Bill Hicks & Jeff Stilson

  • Season 1, Ep 0126
  • 02/24/1992

I GET CONFUSED THANKINGFOR OTHER PEOPLE BUT...

ACTUALLY THISWHOLE AREA REMINDS...

YOU CAN JUST SMELL THE FOOD,CAN'T YOU?

WAFTING IN FROM THE OCEAN

ALL THOSE TUNA FISHWHO ARE POISONED UNNECESSARILY.

BUT MY GRANDPARENTSUSED TO LIVED HERE.

"USED TO LIVED HERE."

GOOD NIGHT, NO GRAMMAR.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

I NEVER STUDIED GRAMMAR.

I HAD THE ENGLISHTEACHERS WHO DID

LIKE DAVID COPPERFIELD,NO GRAMMAR

AND THAT'S WHY I MAKE A FOOLIN FRONT OF STRANGERS

WHICH IS WHY I MAKE A LIVING.

BUT MY PARENTSAND MY GRANDPARENTS LIVED HERE.

MY PARENTS MOVED BACK TO JERSEY

BUT THEY ACTUALLY SETTLEDMY GRANDPARENTS

IN A LITTLE PLACE HERE...BUT FOOD WAS THEIR LIFE.

THEY HAD A LITTLECORNED-BEEF-SHAPED POOL

IN THEIR MOTEL,AND LIFE WAS FOOD.

I GO, "GRANDMA,I DON'T FEEL WELL.

I'M SUICIDAL."

SHE SAYS, "YOU'RE HUNGRY.

YOU'RE JUST HUNGRY."

I WENT, "OKAY."

BUT THE BREATH--

WITH ALL DUE RESPECT,WE ALL HAVE BAD BREATH--

BUT MY GRANDMOTHER'S BREATH,IT WAS LIKE MOTHRA.

I MEAN, YOU'D CHANGE YOUR GOALS.

YOU'D GO, "HI, GRANDMA.

I'M GOING TO STUDY COMPUTERS."

( in a breathy voice: )"OH, GOOD FOR YOU."

"BUT YOU KNOW,I WANT TO KILL MYSELF.

I DON'T FEEL..."

SHE WAS JUST, UH...

AND THEY COULDN'T COOK.

IT WAS SO SAD.

PARTICULARLY ON THANKSGIVING,MY GRANDMOTHER MADE...

SHE FAKED US OUT.

SHE MADE TURKEY ROLL.

THIS IS THAT CRAPTHAT IS MANUFACTURED

WHERE THEY MAKE BOMBS, I THINK.

AND WE HAD A DINNER ONCEFOR 30 PEOPLE

AND IT WAS AT LEAST12 FEET LONG.

IT'S THAT FAKE CR...

IT LOOKS LIKE VASELINEON A HYDROGEN BOMB

BUT SHE GLUED TWO REAL WINGSON THE END OF IT

AND WE DOVE FOR THE REAL CRAP.

BUT IT WAS, LIKE... IT WAS SAD.

AND OF COURSE, SADLY,ONE OF MY UNCLES

ABOUT 20 YEARS AGO, HE DIED.

HE FELL OFF THE WILD MOUSE AT ANAMUSEMENT PARK IN JERSEY CITY...

GOOD-- ME, TOO.

AH... I'M A LITTLE CONFUSED.

BEING IN L.A.IS A VERY CONFUSING PLACE.

IT'S THE ONLY PLACE I KNOW WHEREYOU CAN HAVE SIMULTANEOUSLY

A DROUGHT AND A FLOOD.

I NEED MORE INFORMATION.

EVERY TIME I'M HEREIT'S POURING DOWN RAIN.

EVERY TIME YOU WATCHTHE WEATHERMAN

HE GOES, "RAINED ALL DAY.

"DIDN'T HELP THE DROUGHT.

BACK TO YOU, TOM."

I GOT NEWS FOR YOU, FOLKS.

IF WATER DOESN'T SOLVEYOUR DROUGHT, YOU'RE SCREWED.

OKAY?

THERE'S NOTHING ELSE COMING.

THERE'S NO ANTI-DROUGHT GEL

BEING DEVELOPEDBY DUPONT RIGHT NOW.

ALMOST SURE WATER WASTHE NUMBER ONE SHOO-IN ANSWER.

ANYWAY, THANKS FOR COMING OUT.

I APPRECIATE PEOPLE COMING OUT

BECAUSE I KNOW HOW HARD IT ISTO GET OFF THE COUCH THESE DAYS.

YOU WATCH THE NEWS

YOU GET THE IMPRESSIONYOU WALK OUT YOUR DOOR

YOU'RE IMMEDIATELYGOING TO BE RAPED

BY SOME CRACK-ADDICTED, AIDS-INFECTED PIT BULL OR SOMETHING.

SOME HORRIBLE CNN TALE.

"HONEY, I'M GOINGTO CHECK THE MAIL."

( imitates vicious dog barking )

"WHAT DO YOU SAY WE STAYINSIDE TONIGHT, HONEY?

"LET THAT DOMINO'S GUY DEALWITH THAT THING OUT THERE.

HEY, DOMINO'S, CAN YOU SENDANOTHER GUY OVER?"

"IT'S YOUR THIRD ONE!"

"LAST ONE ALMOST MADE IT, MAN."

PRETTY SOON WE'RE ALL GOINGTO BE LOCKED IN OUR HOUSES

NOTHING BUT DOMINO'S GUYS

IN ARMORED CHEVETTESWITH TURRETS...

SHOOTING PIZZAS THROUGH THEMAIL SLOTS OF OUR FRONT DOOR.

"HERE HE COMES."

THE NEWS IS TOO MUCHFOR ME, MAN.

YOU EVER SIT AROUNDAND WATCH CNN

LONGER THAN, SAY,20 HOURS IN ONE DAY?

I DO THAT EVERY DAYAND I DO NOT RECOMMEND IT.

IT'LL BUM YOU OUT, MAN.

WATCH HEADLINE NEWS FOR AN HOUR.

IT'S THE MOST DEPRESSING THING.

"WAR, FAMINE, DEATH, AIDS,HOMELESS, RECESSION

"DEPRESSION, DROUGHT,FLOOD, PIT BULL.

WAR, FAMINE, DEATH, AIDS..."

THEN YOU LOOK OUT YOUR WINDOW,IT'S JUST...

( imitates crickets chirping )

WHERE'S ALLTHIS STUFF HAPPENING?

TED TURNER'SMAKING THIS STUFF UP, MAN.

JANE FONDA WON'T SLEEP WITH HIM,HE RUNS TO A TYPEWRITER.

"IN 1995,WE WILL ALL DIE OF AIDS.

"READ THAT ON THE AIR.

I DON'T GET ANY,NO ONE GETS ANY."

( laughter )

I'M WRITING JANE FONDA.

"WOULD YOU SLEEP WITH THIS GUY

"SO WE CAN GETSOME GOOD NEWS, PLEASE?

I WANT TO SEE A WELL-SATISFIEDTED TURNER NEWSCAST":

"HEY, IT'S ALL GOINGTO WORK OUT-- HERE'S SPORTS."

MAN, EVERY TIME...

WHERE ARE ALL THESE POLLS?

WHO'S GETTING POLLED?

I'VE NEVER BEEN POLLED.

I WANT TO GET POLLED.

HOW MANY PEOPLE HERE BY ROUND OFAPPLAUSE HAVE NEVER BEEN POLLED?

( loud applause )

ABOUT 85% OF YOU.

I GOT NEWS FOR YOU, FOLKS.

I JUST POLLED YOU.

HOW DOES IT FEEL-- WAS IT MAGIC?

YOU GOING TO TELL YOUR FRIENDS,"LAST NIGHT I GOT POLLED.

"BILL HICKS POLLED ME-- HE DID.

POLLED ME."

HOW MANY OF YOU LADIESEVER GOT POLLED?

YOU THOUGHT IT WENT REAL WELL

AND THE POLLERNEVER CALLED YOU BACK.

THERE'S TERRIBLE POLLSOUT THERE.

HOW ABOUT THIS?

YOU EVER GET POLLEDAND BEFORE YOU CAN ANSWER

THE GUY JUST ROLLS OFFAND GOES TO BED?

REMEMBER, THOUGH,IF YOU GET POLLED

YOU'RE NOT GETTING POLLEDBY THAT ONE GUY

BUT EVERY GUY HE'S POLLEDIN THE LAST SEVEN YEARS.

BE SAFE, WEAR A CONDOMWHILE YOU'RE BEING POLLED.

THE WEIRDEST POLLI EVER SAW WAS THIS ONE:

"HOW MANY PEOPLE DISAPPROVE

"OF GEORGE BUSH'SHANDLING OF THE COUNTRY?

"79%.

"HOW MANY PEOPLE WOULD VOTEFOR HIM AGAIN?

79%."

WHERE'D THEY TAKE THAT POLL?

SOME S AND M PARLOR?

IT HURTS, IT HURTS.

MORE, MORE.

KEEP POLLING ME.

( scattered laughter )

GERALDO GETS PLASTIC SURGERYDONE ON THE AIR

IN THE NAME OF JOURNALISM.

I CAN'T WAIT TILL HE TRIESTHAT KEVORKIAN SUICIDE MACHINE.

( laughter and scattered applause )

THAT'S THE SHOW I'M TAPING.

"I WAS GERALDOAND I WILL NOT BE RIGHT BACK.

THANK YOU, GOD."

THE WEIRDEST STORY I SAW ON CNN

THESE FUNDAMENTALIST CHRISTIANSDOWN SOUTH

ARE TRYING TO GET CREATIONISMTAUGHT IN SCHOOLS AS A SCIENCE.

GREAT-- DEFINITELY,THE SHORTEST CLASS OF THE DAY.

"WELCOME TO CREATIONIST SCIENCE.

"IN THE BEGINNING, GOD CREATEDTHE HEAVENS AND THE EARTH.

"ON THE SEVENTH DAY, HE RESTED.

"CLASS DISMISSED.

SEE YOU AT THE FINAL."

YOU EVER NOTICE HOW PEOPLEWHO BELIEVE IN CREATIONISM

LOOK REALLY UNEVOLVED?

EYES REAL CLOSE TOGETHER,BIG FURRY HANDS AND FEET.

"I BELIEVE GOD CREATED MEIN ONE DAY."

LOOKS LIKE HE RUSHED IT.

( laughter )

PEOPLE'S BELIEFSARE SO WEIRD, MAN.

A LOT OF CHRISTIANS WEAR CROSSESAROUND THEIR NECKS.

YOU THINK WHEN JESUS COMES BACK

HE'S GOING TO WANTTO SEE A CROSS?

( scattered applause )

KIND OF LIKE GOING UPTO JACKIE ONASSIS

WITH A RIFLE PENDANT ON,YOU KNOW?

"JUST THINKING OF JOHN, JACKIE.

WE LOVE HIM."

( laughter )

DO ME A FAVOR,DON'T LOVE ME THAT MUCH, OKAY?

GET A HOBBY.

I'VE HEARD SOMEINCREDIBLE THEORIES

ABOUT THE KENNEDY ASSASSINATIONSINCE THAT MOVIE CAME OUT.

THE WEIRDEST ONE I EVER HEARD--

I HEARD THE GUY WHO SHOT KENNEDYWAS THE SECRET SERVICE MAN

IN THE FRONT SEAT OF THE LIMO.

EVERY TIME YOU'VE EVER SEENTHE ZAPRUDER FILM

HAVE YOU EVER LOOKEDAT THE SECRET SERVICE MAN

IN THE FRONT SEAT OF THAT LIMO?

IT'S LIKE THE ULTIMATEMAGIC TRICK OF MISDIRECTION.

BECAUSE LIKE MOST PEOPLE,WHEN I SEE THE ZAPRUDER FILM

I'M LOOKING AT JACKIE'S ASS

WHEN SHE GETSON THE TRUNK OF THAT CAR.

I GOT MY CONS ONAND I'M RARING TO GO!

I GOT MY...

A SECOND AGO YOU GUYS INTV LAND, JUST, LIKE, "SNEAKERS."

I'M SORRY.

I WAS MOCKING MY FAMILY AGAINBUT I DID LIVE AROUND HERE.

I SMELL THEM.

I HAVE A GREAT NOSE.

I SMELL EVERYTHINGTHAT WENT ON AROUND HERE.

WE USED TO GO TO A DELIABOUT TWO BLOCKS FROM HERE

AND I HATED GOING

BECAUSE MY MOM, I LOVE HERAND YET... SHE'S SO LOUD.

SHE'D WALK IN LIKE WYATT EARP,LIKE IN A BAR

LIKE IN THE EARLY 19th CENTURY

LIKE, "YOU KNOW, UNCLE SIDSTILL HAS THAT BOIL ON HIS NECK.

DID YOU KNOW THAT?"

SHE WAS LIKE A BOWLING ALLEYWITH LIPSTICK.

IT WAS FRIGHTENING.

WE'D SIT THERE AND SHE WOULD...

( speaking gibberish )

AND SHE HAD GOSSIP DYSLEXIA.

SHE WOULD ACTUALLY TALKIN FRONT OF PEOPLE'S BACKS

WHICH IS REALLY UPSETTING.