Bill Hicks & Jeff Stilson

  • 02/24/1992

I GET CONFUSED THANKINGFOR OTHER PEOPLE BUT...

ACTUALLY THISWHOLE AREA REMINDS...

YOU CAN JUST SMELL THE FOOD,CAN'T YOU?

WAFTING IN FROM THE OCEAN

ALL THOSE TUNA FISHWHO ARE POISONED UNNECESSARILY.

BUT MY GRANDPARENTSUSED TO LIVED HERE.

"USED TO LIVED HERE."

GOOD NIGHT, NO GRAMMAR.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

I NEVER STUDIED GRAMMAR.

I HAD THE ENGLISHTEACHERS WHO DID

LIKE DAVID COPPERFIELD,NO GRAMMAR

AND THAT'S WHY I MAKE A FOOLIN FRONT OF STRANGERS

WHICH IS WHY I MAKE A LIVING.

BUT MY PARENTSAND MY GRANDPARENTS LIVED HERE.

MY PARENTS MOVED BACK TO JERSEY

BUT THEY ACTUALLY SETTLEDMY GRANDPARENTS

IN A LITTLE PLACE HERE...BUT FOOD WAS THEIR LIFE.

THEY HAD A LITTLECORNED-BEEF-SHAPED POOL

IN THEIR MOTEL,AND LIFE WAS FOOD.

I GO, "GRANDMA,I DON'T FEEL WELL.

I'M SUICIDAL."

SHE SAYS, "YOU'RE HUNGRY.

YOU'RE JUST HUNGRY."

I WENT, "OKAY."

BUT THE BREATH--

WITH ALL DUE RESPECT,WE ALL HAVE BAD BREATH--

BUT MY GRANDMOTHER'S BREATH,IT WAS LIKE MOTHRA.

I MEAN, YOU'D CHANGE YOUR GOALS.

YOU'D GO, "HI, GRANDMA.

I'M GOING TO STUDY COMPUTERS."

( in a breathy voice: )"OH, GOOD FOR YOU."

"BUT YOU KNOW,I WANT TO KILL MYSELF.

I DON'T FEEL..."

SHE WAS JUST, UH...

AND THEY COULDN'T COOK.

IT WAS SO SAD.

PARTICULARLY ON THANKSGIVING,MY GRANDMOTHER MADE...

SHE FAKED US OUT.

SHE MADE TURKEY ROLL.

THIS IS THAT CRAPTHAT IS MANUFACTURED

WHERE THEY MAKE BOMBS, I THINK.

AND WE HAD A DINNER ONCEFOR 30 PEOPLE

AND IT WAS AT LEAST12 FEET LONG.

IT'S THAT FAKE CR...

IT LOOKS LIKE VASELINEON A HYDROGEN BOMB

BUT SHE GLUED TWO REAL WINGSON THE END OF IT

AND WE DOVE FOR THE REAL CRAP.

BUT IT WAS, LIKE... IT WAS SAD.

AND OF COURSE, SADLY,ONE OF MY UNCLES

ABOUT 20 YEARS AGO, HE DIED.

HE FELL OFF THE WILD MOUSE AT ANAMUSEMENT PARK IN JERSEY CITY...

GOOD-- ME, TOO.

AH... I'M A LITTLE CONFUSED.

BEING IN L.A.IS A VERY CONFUSING PLACE.

IT'S THE ONLY PLACE I KNOW WHEREYOU CAN HAVE SIMULTANEOUSLY

A DROUGHT AND A FLOOD.

I NEED MORE INFORMATION.

EVERY TIME I'M HEREIT'S POURING DOWN RAIN.

EVERY TIME YOU WATCHTHE WEATHERMAN

HE GOES, "RAINED ALL DAY.

"DIDN'T HELP THE DROUGHT.

BACK TO YOU, TOM."

I GOT NEWS FOR YOU, FOLKS.

IF WATER DOESN'T SOLVEYOUR DROUGHT, YOU'RE SCREWED.

OKAY?

THERE'S NOTHING ELSE COMING.

THERE'S NO ANTI-DROUGHT GEL

BEING DEVELOPEDBY DUPONT RIGHT NOW.

ALMOST SURE WATER WASTHE NUMBER ONE SHOO-IN ANSWER.

ANYWAY, THANKS FOR COMING OUT.

I APPRECIATE PEOPLE COMING OUT

BECAUSE I KNOW HOW HARD IT ISTO GET OFF THE COUCH THESE DAYS.

YOU WATCH THE NEWS

YOU GET THE IMPRESSIONYOU WALK OUT YOUR DOOR

YOU'RE IMMEDIATELYGOING TO BE RAPED

BY SOME CRACK-ADDICTED, AIDS-INFECTED PIT BULL OR SOMETHING.

SOME HORRIBLE CNN TALE.

"HONEY, I'M GOINGTO CHECK THE MAIL."

( imitates vicious dog barking )

"WHAT DO YOU SAY WE STAYINSIDE TONIGHT, HONEY?

"LET THAT DOMINO'S GUY DEALWITH THAT THING OUT THERE.

HEY, DOMINO'S, CAN YOU SENDANOTHER GUY OVER?"

"IT'S YOUR THIRD ONE!"

"LAST ONE ALMOST MADE IT, MAN."

PRETTY SOON WE'RE ALL GOINGTO BE LOCKED IN OUR HOUSES

NOTHING BUT DOMINO'S GUYS

IN ARMORED CHEVETTESWITH TURRETS...

SHOOTING PIZZAS THROUGH THEMAIL SLOTS OF OUR FRONT DOOR.

"HERE HE COMES."

THE NEWS IS TOO MUCHFOR ME, MAN.

YOU EVER SIT AROUNDAND WATCH CNN

LONGER THAN, SAY,20 HOURS IN ONE DAY?

I DO THAT EVERY DAYAND I DO NOT RECOMMEND IT.

IT'LL BUM YOU OUT, MAN.

WATCH HEADLINE NEWS FOR AN HOUR.

IT'S THE MOST DEPRESSING THING.

"WAR, FAMINE, DEATH, AIDS,HOMELESS, RECESSION

"DEPRESSION, DROUGHT,FLOOD, PIT BULL.

WAR, FAMINE, DEATH, AIDS..."

THEN YOU LOOK OUT YOUR WINDOW,IT'S JUST...

( imitates crickets chirping )

WHERE'S ALLTHIS STUFF HAPPENING?

TED TURNER'SMAKING THIS STUFF UP, MAN.

JANE FONDA WON'T SLEEP WITH HIM,HE RUNS TO A TYPEWRITER.

"IN 1995,WE WILL ALL DIE OF AIDS.

"READ THAT ON THE AIR.

I DON'T GET ANY,NO ONE GETS ANY."

( laughter )

I'M WRITING JANE FONDA.

"WOULD YOU SLEEP WITH THIS GUY

"SO WE CAN GETSOME GOOD NEWS, PLEASE?

I WANT TO SEE A WELL-SATISFIEDTED TURNER NEWSCAST":

"HEY, IT'S ALL GOINGTO WORK OUT-- HERE'S SPORTS."

MAN, EVERY TIME...

WHERE ARE ALL THESE POLLS?

WHO'S GETTING POLLED?

I'VE NEVER BEEN POLLED.

I WANT TO GET POLLED.

HOW MANY PEOPLE HERE BY ROUND OFAPPLAUSE HAVE NEVER BEEN POLLED?

( loud applause )

ABOUT 85% OF YOU.

I GOT NEWS FOR YOU, FOLKS.

I JUST POLLED YOU.

HOW DOES IT FEEL-- WAS IT MAGIC?

YOU GOING TO TELL YOUR FRIENDS,"LAST NIGHT I GOT POLLED.

"BILL HICKS POLLED ME-- HE DID.

POLLED ME."

HOW MANY OF YOU LADIESEVER GOT POLLED?

YOU THOUGHT IT WENT REAL WELL

AND THE POLLERNEVER CALLED YOU BACK.

THERE'S TERRIBLE POLLSOUT THERE.

HOW ABOUT THIS?

YOU EVER GET POLLEDAND BEFORE YOU CAN ANSWER

THE GUY JUST ROLLS OFFAND GOES TO BED?

REMEMBER, THOUGH,IF YOU GET POLLED

YOU'RE NOT GETTING POLLEDBY THAT ONE GUY

BUT EVERY GUY HE'S POLLEDIN THE LAST SEVEN YEARS.

BE SAFE, WEAR A CONDOMWHILE YOU'RE BEING POLLED.

THE WEIRDEST POLLI EVER SAW WAS THIS ONE:

"HOW MANY PEOPLE DISAPPROVE

"OF GEORGE BUSH'SHANDLING OF THE COUNTRY?

"79%.

"HOW MANY PEOPLE WOULD VOTEFOR HIM AGAIN?

79%."

WHERE'D THEY TAKE THAT POLL?

SOME S AND M PARLOR?

IT HURTS, IT HURTS.

MORE, MORE.

KEEP POLLING ME.

( scattered laughter )

GERALDO GETS PLASTIC SURGERYDONE ON THE AIR

IN THE NAME OF JOURNALISM.

I CAN'T WAIT TILL HE TRIESTHAT KEVORKIAN SUICIDE MACHINE.

( laughter and scattered applause )

THAT'S THE SHOW I'M TAPING.

"I WAS GERALDOAND I WILL NOT BE RIGHT BACK.

THANK YOU, GOD."

THE WEIRDEST STORY I SAW ON CNN

THESE FUNDAMENTALIST CHRISTIANSDOWN SOUTH

ARE TRYING TO GET CREATIONISMTAUGHT IN SCHOOLS AS A SCIENCE.

GREAT-- DEFINITELY,THE SHORTEST CLASS OF THE DAY.

"WELCOME TO CREATIONIST SCIENCE.

"IN THE BEGINNING, GOD CREATEDTHE HEAVENS AND THE EARTH.

"ON THE SEVENTH DAY, HE RESTED.

"CLASS DISMISSED.

SEE YOU AT THE FINAL."

YOU EVER NOTICE HOW PEOPLEWHO BELIEVE IN CREATIONISM

LOOK REALLY UNEVOLVED?

EYES REAL CLOSE TOGETHER,BIG FURRY HANDS AND FEET.

"I BELIEVE GOD CREATED MEIN ONE DAY."

LOOKS LIKE HE RUSHED IT.

( laughter )

PEOPLE'S BELIEFSARE SO WEIRD, MAN.

A LOT OF CHRISTIANS WEAR CROSSESAROUND THEIR NECKS.

YOU THINK WHEN JESUS COMES BACK

HE'S GOING TO WANTTO SEE A CROSS?

( scattered applause )

KIND OF LIKE GOING UPTO JACKIE ONASSIS

WITH A RIFLE PENDANT ON,YOU KNOW?

"JUST THINKING OF JOHN, JACKIE.

WE LOVE HIM."

( laughter )

DO ME A FAVOR,DON'T LOVE ME THAT MUCH, OKAY?

GET A HOBBY.

I'VE HEARD SOMEINCREDIBLE THEORIES

ABOUT THE KENNEDY ASSASSINATIONSINCE THAT MOVIE CAME OUT.

THE WEIRDEST ONE I EVER HEARD--

I HEARD THE GUY WHO SHOT KENNEDYWAS THE SECRET SERVICE MAN

IN THE FRONT SEAT OF THE LIMO.

EVERY TIME YOU'VE EVER SEENTHE ZAPRUDER FILM

HAVE YOU EVER LOOKEDAT THE SECRET SERVICE MAN

IN THE FRONT SEAT OF THAT LIMO?

IT'S LIKE THE ULTIMATEMAGIC TRICK OF MISDIRECTION.

BECAUSE LIKE MOST PEOPLE,WHEN I SEE THE ZAPRUDER FILM

I'M LOOKING AT JACKIE'S ASS

WHEN SHE GETSON THE TRUNK OF THAT CAR.

I GOT MY CONS ONAND I'M RARING TO GO!

I GOT MY...

A SECOND AGO YOU GUYS INTV LAND, JUST, LIKE, "SNEAKERS."

I'M SORRY.

I WAS MOCKING MY FAMILY AGAINBUT I DID LIVE AROUND HERE.

I SMELL THEM.

I HAVE A GREAT NOSE.

I SMELL EVERYTHINGTHAT WENT ON AROUND HERE.

WE USED TO GO TO A DELIABOUT TWO BLOCKS FROM HERE

AND I HATED GOING

BECAUSE MY MOM, I LOVE HERAND YET... SHE'S SO LOUD.

SHE'D WALK IN LIKE WYATT EARP,LIKE IN A BAR

LIKE IN THE EARLY 19th CENTURY

LIKE, "YOU KNOW, UNCLE SIDSTILL HAS THAT BOIL ON HIS NECK.

DID YOU KNOW THAT?"

SHE WAS LIKE A BOWLING ALLEYWITH LIPSTICK.

IT WAS FRIGHTENING.

WE'D SIT THERE AND SHE WOULD...

( speaking gibberish )

AND SHE HAD GOSSIP DYSLEXIA.

SHE WOULD ACTUALLY TALKIN FRONT OF PEOPLE'S BACKS

WHICH IS REALLY UPSETTING.

I USED TO LIVEIN SEATTLE, WASHINGTON.

I MOVED TO NEW YORKA COUPLE YEARS AGO.

I LEFT A CITYTHAT HAS A HIGH SUICIDE RATE

FOR ONE THAT HASA HIGH HOMICIDE RATE.

GUESS I'M JUST NOTA DO-IT-YOURSELF KIND OF PERSON.

I WAS BORN AND RAISEDIN SPOKANE, WASHINGTON--

A SMALLER CITY.

OUR ZOO IN SPOKANE WAS NAMED THEWORST ZOO IN THE UNITED STATES

BY U.S.A. TODAY.

MOST OF THE ANIMALS IN THE ZOOARE NATIVE TO THE SPOKANE AREA.

THEY JUST HAPPENED TO BE ON THEGROUNDS WHEN THE ZOO WAS BUILT.

WE NAMED OUR AIRPORT IN SPOKANE

THE SPOKANEINTERNATIONAL AIRPORT

EVEN THOUGH THERE ARENO INTERNATIONAL FLIGHTS.

WE GOT THE IDEA FOR THE NAME

FROM THE INTERNATIONALHOUSE OF PANCAKES.

I MISS MY HOME STATEOCCASIONALLY.

LIVING IN NEW YORKHAS HARDENED ME.

WHEN I FIRST MOVED THERE

I GAVE MONEYTO EVERY PANHANDLER I SAW.

NOW A HEAD COULD COME ROLLINGUP THE SIDEWALK

WITH A CUP IN ITS MOUTHAND I WOULDN'T BE MOVED.

"WHY SHOULD I GIVE YOU MONEY?

"I SAW HALF A HEAD ON BROADWAY.

YOU THINK YOU GOT IT BAD--THIS GUY COULDN'T EVEN ROLL."

CRIME IS SO BAD IN NEW YORK,WHEN I FALL ASLEEP NOW AT NIGHT

IT'S USUALLY TO THE SOUNDOF CAR ALARMS BLARING.

THE CAR ALARM IS FAST BECOMING

THE URBAN EQUIVALENTTO THE CRICKET.

VIOLENT CRIME'S ON THE RISETHROUGHOUT THE NATION.

THIS GUY IN MILWAUKEE--

JEFFREY DAHMER'S CONFESSEDTO COMMITTING 17 MURDERS.

LIKE ALL SERIAL KILLERS,HE'S BEEN DESCRIBED AS A LONER.

OF COURSE HE'S A LONER.

HOMICIDE IS NOT THE TYPE OFACTIVITY IN WHICH ONE PARTAKES

WHEN ONE ENTERTAINS--PEOPLE ASK QUESTIONS.

"JEFF, DID YOU KNOW YOU HAVEA HEAD IN YOUR REFRIGERATOR?"

DID YOU FOLLOW DAHMER'S SANITYTRIAL AT ALL ON TELEVISION?

AT ONE POINT IN THE TESTIMONY

IT WAS REVEALEDTHAT DAHMER USED CONDOMS

WHEN HE HAD SEX WITH CORPSES.

ISN'T IT INCREDIBLE

THAT THIS MESSAGE-- "ALWAYS WEARA CONDOM"-- GOT THROUGH?

BUT OTHERS DIDN'T,LIKE, "DON'T EAT PEOPLE"?

I DON'T HAVE MUCH SYMPATHY

FOR THESE FOOLS WHO FELL PREYTO BAKKER'S SCHEMES.

I FIGURE IF THEY WERESTUPID ENOUGH

TO TRUST HIM WITH THEIR MONEY

IT WAS A FLUKE THAT THEY HAD ANYIN THE FIRST PLACE.

IF NOT BY BAKKER, THEY WOULD'VEBEEN DUPED BY SOMEONE ELSE.

EVERY SUNDAY YOU CAN WATCHA DIFFERENT TELEVANGELIST

HUSTLING HIS CONGREGATIONFOR DONATIONS.

HE ALWAYS USEDTHE SAME LINE, TOO

THAT HE JUST SPOKEWITH THE LORD THE NIGHT BEFORE.

POOR JESUS--FIRST HE'S CRUCIFIED

THEN HE HAS TO SPEND HISSATURDAYS WITH JERRY FALWELL.

WHEN WILL THE SUFFERING END?

SO I LIVE ALONE IN NEW YORK.

I JUST MOVEDINTO A NEW APARTMENT.

I'M STILL FURNISHING IT.

THE OTHER DAY I BOUGHTA CUTTING BOARD FOR MY KITCHEN.

IT'S A PIECE OF WOODWITH A HANDLE ON IT.

IT'S MADE IN YUGOSLAVIA.

APPARENTLY, WE DON'T HAVETHE TECHNOLOGY IN THIS COUNTRY

TO MAKE A CUTTING BOARD.

I TRIED SHOPPING BY MAIL.

I DECIDED TO ORDER MY GIRLFRIENDSOME CLOTHES

FROM VICTORIA'S SECRET.

BAD IDEA.

THE MODELS IN THIS CATALOGARE SO BEAUTIFUL

THAT BY THE TIME I GOT DONEMAKING MY SELECTIONS

I WANTED TO BREAK UPWITH MY GIRLFRIEND.

( laughter )

I SHOULD FEEL MORE COMFORTABLEIN THE MARKETPLACE.

MY DEGREE FROM COLLEGEIS IN ECONOMICS.

WE STUDIED MOSTLY THEORY.

WE SPENT A LOT OF TIME

DETERMINING HOW MANY WIDGETSA PERSON WOULD PRODUCE

GIVEN A CERTAIN SETOF CIRCUMSTANCES.

A WIDGET, I LEARNED

IS AN IMAGINARY PRODUCTUSED IN ECONOMICS MODELS.

JUST ABOUT EVERYTHINGIN ECONOMICS IS IMAGINARY

INCLUDING THE JOB I GOTWHEN I GRADUATED.

( laughter )

I SPENT ONE YEAR STUDYINGIN VIENNA, AUSTRIA.

I DIDN'TACCLIMATE WELL OVERSEAS.

LITTLE THINGS THREW ME,LIKE SPEAKING GERMAN TO DOGS.

KOMM.

JA, DU BIST EIN GUTER HUND.

I FELT AS THOUGHTHEY WERE LOOKING AT ME LIKE--

"GOD, YOU HAVETHE WORST ACCENT."

( laughter )

YOU WEREN'T TAUGHTIN THE CLASSROOM

WHAT YOU REALLY NEED TO KNOW,LIKE HOW TO SWEAR IN GERMAN.

IF I GOT CUT OFF IN TRAFFICIN VIENNA

THE VILEST THING I COULD SCREAM

WAS THE EQUIVALENT TO"GO AWAY, YOU BIG BAD MAN."

( laughter )

I'VE ALWAYS FOUND THE STUDYOF LANGUAGE INTRIGUING.

I HAD A LINGUISTICS PROFESSORWHO SAID

THAT IT'S MAN'S ABILITYTO USE LANGUAGE

THAT MAKES HIM THE DOMINANTSPECIES ON THE PLANET.

I WOULDN'T GO THAT FAR.

I THINK WHAT SETS US APARTFROM OTHER ANIMALS

IS THAT WE AREN'T AFRAIDOF VACUUM CLEANERS.

( laughter )

WE CAN ACTUALLY OPERATE ONE.

I MENTIONED THAT I LIVE ALONE.

I'M NOT MARRIED.

I HOPE TO BE SOMEDAY, THOUGH,JUST SO I CAN STOP EXERCISING.

I DON'T UNDERSTANDTHESE COUPLES WHO GET MARRIED

AND THEN CONTINUE TO WORK OUTAND EAT HEALTHILY.

WHAT'S THE POINTOF GETTING MARRIED

IF YOU CAN'T LET YOURSELF GO?

IT'S NOT AS IF YOUHAVE TO BE ATTRACTIVE ANYMORE.

THE RACE IS OVER.

TAKE OFF THE UNIFORM.

MY FRIENDS TELL MENOT TO WORRY--

THAT THERE'S SOMEONEOUT THERE FOR EVERYONE.

BUT WHAT IF I ALREADY METMY SOMEONE AND DIDN'T KNOW IT?

WHAT IF I GAVE HER THE FINGERIN RUSH-HOUR TRAFFIC?

I'M GOING TO HAVE TO SPENDTHE REST OF MY LIFE ALONE

BECAUSE MY SOMEONE FORGOTTO USE HER BLINKER.

I'M NOT GOODAT FLIRTING WITH WOMEN.

ALL I KNOW IS THAT I'M SUPPOSEDTO MAKE EYE CONTACT

WHICH IS EASY, BUT FOR HOW LONG?

A FINE LINESEPARATES EYE CONTACT

FROM THE PIERCING STAREOF A PSYCHOPATH.

I WANT TO LOOK CONFIDENT,NOT MANIACAL.

OH, BOY.

AS I GET OLDER, I DON'T FEELANY LESS CLUMSY AROUND WOMEN.

I KEEP READINGTHAT I'M OVER THE HILL SEXUALLY.

I DON'T REMEMBER HAVINGA SEXUAL PEAK WHEN I WAS 19.

I JUST REMEMBERAPOLOGIZING A LOT.

( laughter )

THE FIRST TIME I HAD SEXWAS A TOTAL DISASTER.

I LIED TO MY GIRLFRIEND.

I TOLD HER THAT I'D BEENWITH OTHER WOMEN.

CONSEQUENTLY,THERE WAS A HUGE GAP

BETWEEN WHAT SHEEXPECTED FROM ME

AND WHAT I WAS ABLE TO DELIVERAS A LOVER.

IT WAS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEENTHE PICTURE OF THE FREE TOY

ON THE BACK OF THE CEREAL BOXAND THE ACTUAL ITEM.

I HAD NO IDEAWHAT I WAS DOING IN BED.

I WAS LIKE A SMALL CHILD,BLINDFOLDED

SWINGING A BIG STICK WILDLYAT A PINATA

JUST HOPING THAT I'D GET LUCKY.

WHEN I THINK BACK, I REALLYDIDN'T NEED DATES WHEN I WAS 19.

I HAD SUCH INCREDIBLE DREAMS.

( laughter )

REAL WOMEN COULDN'T COMPARETO THE EXTRATERRESTRIAL NYMPHS

THAT ADORNED MY DREAMSCAPES.

"YEAH, JANET WAS ALL RIGHT,BUT SHE ONLY HAD TWO BREASTS.

SHE WAS NOTHING LIKEFRIGA FROM LOVETRON."

I'VE ALWAYS BEENSOMEWHAT NAIVE SEXUALLY.

I'VE NEVER SOLICITEDTHE SERVICES OF A PROSTITUTE.

I DON'T SEE HOW MEN CAN DO IT.

I HAVE A HARD TIME ASKINGFOR EXTRA BREAD AT A RESTAURANT.

( laughter )

WE MAKE TOO BIG A DEALOUT OF SEX IN THIS CULTURE.

BROOKE SHIELDS SAYSTHAT THE GREATEST GIFT

A WOMAN CAN OFFER A MANIS HER VIRGINITY.

NOT NECESSARILY--EVERYTHING HAS A SHELF LIFE.

I LIKE CHEESECAKE

BUT NOT IF IT'S BEEN SITTINGIN THE FREEZER FOR 30 YEARS.

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