Extended - Thursday, December 10, 2015 - Uncensored

  • 12/10/2015

Jermaine Fowler, Adam Conover and Alice Wetterlund bring classical art to Snapchat, #RuinAChristmasMovie and write ads for the worst jobs in this extended, uncensored episode.

>> HARDWICK: All right, now it's

time to take a long depressing

tour of the bullshit factory.

It's Panderdome!

(applause and cheering)

>> Oh.

>> Just...

>> HARDWICK: If elderly dandruff

model Bernie Sanders looks a

little more confident this week,

that's because he's won the

reader's poll for Time's Person

of the Year!

(applause and cheering)

>> Wow.

>> The Reader Poll.

>> HARDWICK: Bernie Sanders,

seen here in this picture like a

dog being surprised by his own

fart...

(laughter)

>> He's so cute!

>> Oh, no.

>> Marty!

(Hardwick mutters like dog)

(laughter)

>> HARDWICK: Arr, Arr.

>> Oh, he thinks he's people.

Oh.

>> HARDWICK: He thinks he's

people, he does.

>> Oh, my God.

>> HARDWICK: But Bernie kind of

had this award unlocked because

it hits both of his voters'

demos-- people who read reddit,

and his personal demo-- people

who still read magazines.

(laughter)

Which are like the Internet that

you can't click on.

Uh, despite the victory, "Time"

did not put Bernie on the cover,

but not on purpose.

Bernie fell asleep while having

lunch at a Sizzler, and he

missed the photo shoot, so he

just...

(laughter)

Oh, then he's...

>> It happens in old age.

That's what happens.

It just happens.

>> HARDWICK: It does, yeah.

>> Yeah.

>> HARDWICK: But, comedians, no

one can take away Bernie's

digital victory, so, please give

me a line from Bernie Sanders's

acceptance speech.

Adam.

>> (imitating Sanders): Uh,

thank you to the Internet for

voting for me.

I don't know what that is, but,

apparently, it exists.

>> HARDWICK: All right, points.

Uh, Alice.

(applause)

>> (imitating Sanders): Uh, it's

hard to imagine "Time" being on

my side.

(laughter)

(applause)

>> HARDWICK: Points.

Mr. Fowler.

>> And I would like to thank

Jesus who's an old friend of

mine from high school.

(laughter, applause)

>> HARDWICK: Well done.

Points.

Moving on with Panderdome.

Serial killer skin suit come to

life Ted Cruz has...

(laughter and groaning)

>> Oh, God! Oh, it's true!

>> HARDWICK: I'd fuck me.

I'd fuck me. Dancing.

>> It's like his eyes are extra

deep.

>> HARDWICK: Yeah, they are.

Well, that's because the skin is

stretched over his own face.

Uh...

(laughter and groaning)

>> Ew.

>> Oh! Oh! Oh!

>> HARDWICK: He's made... he's

made a...

Just, you go to Ted Cruz's

house-- it's just full with

death head moths.

Just like everywhere.

(laughter)

For...

>> Many-faced candidate.

>> HARDWICK: Was she a real big

fat person?

>> Yeah, he looks like a

ventriloquist dummy come to

life, yeah.

>> Yeah.

>> HARDWICK: He does a little

bit.

Actually, I don't think he looks

like he's come to life.

He just looks like...

(laughter, applause & cheering)

He just looks like a

ventriloquist's dummy.

>> Yeah, that's, uh...

That's what he looks like in his

storage box.

(laughter and groaning)

Nice guy.

>> Ted, Ted. Oh.

>> This is what you do.

>> HARDWICK: Well...

>> "I can't wait till I kill

again. Aah!"

>> HARDWICK: Aah, aah, aah, aah.

"When do I get to leave the

box?"

All right. Anyway, he's made it

a whole lot easier to shop for

your upcoming ugly Christmas

sweater party because his online

store now has a Christmas

sweater with his big face on it.

Uh...

(audience groaning)

You know, for a guy who doesn't

believe in abortion, how do you

explain this sweater?

(laughter)

(applause, whooping)

>> Put it out of its misery.

>> HARDWICK: I know.

>> I think Macaulay Culkin wore

that in Home Alone.

>> HARDWICK: It looks like

Macaulay Culkin-- absolutely!

>> You don't need abortion--

that sweater is birth control.

>> HARDWICK: It is.

(laughter)

All he needs is some zombies

and, like, a half man-half

goat, and this Christmas sweater

looks like the goddamn

Apocalypse!

(laughter)

It is just like this giant

floating head haunting the White

House.

Bow down to me...!

I am Christmas Cruz, harbinger

of the end of times...!

These are my serpent servants.

Uh, so, comedians...

>> My body is the White House,

and it...

That's what my body is.

>> HARDWICK: My body is the

White House, and the Washington

Monument's my cock...!

(laughter)

>> All right.

>> Yeah.

>> HARDWICK: That's what it...

that's what it is.

That's what an obelisk is-- it's

an obelisk.

Uh, comedians, what would be

your reaction if someone gifted

you this holiday sweater?

Well, first of all, the audience

has to wrap their... to wrap

their minds around that

happening.

30% of you were visibly upset.

(laughter)

Oh, oh, oh!

>> Oh, no!

>> HARDWICK: Oh, the horror!

>> Oh! To imagine opening a box

and finding this inside!

>> HARDWICK: Oh, my God!

>> I got to imagine this?

>> Well, you're not gonna like

this-- look under your seats.

(laughter)

>> You get one and you get one

and you get one!

Oh, my God!

(applause)

Oh!

>> HARDWICK: Ah.

>> Sorry.

>> You got to feel bad for all

the African kids who are gonna

get these in 2017.

That's when you got to feel bad.

They open them up.

>> HARDWICK: Yeah, we're, like,

the Anti-Oprah.

>> They probably think he's

Oscar Pistorius or...

>> HARDWICK: Alice. Alice.

>> Oh, thank you-- you know how

cold I get when I'm yelling at

immigrants.

(laughter)

>> HARDWICK: Points. Well done.

(whooping, applause)

Mr. Conover.

>> Oh, thank you-- I'll wear it

to my Ugly-on-the-Inside sweater

party. Yeah.

>> HARDWICK: All right, points.

Jermaine Fowler.

(applause)

>> Oh, oh, perfect.

I ruined my other sweater

spray-painting "Go Home Niger"

on a barbershop.

(laughter)

>> Niger? Ha-ha!

>> Oh, he also can't spell.

>> No, no, no.

He can't spell! I know that.

It has two G's in it.

(laughter)

Yeah? All right.

>> HARDWICK: Watch all the white

comics slowly back away from

that one. Huh?

>> Yes, you can make that joke,

you can make that joke, yes.

>> It's 2015! ? All right.

>> HARDWICK: It is.

Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

Uh, all right, moving on.

Guns! Can't live with them,

can't live with them.

You know, people...

(laughter)

...sure love the shit out of

their guns, especially Nevada

assemblywoman Michele Fiori, who

posted this "War on Christmas"

card on her Facebook page.

(audience groans)

Uh, this was taken right before

a key party at a Waffle House.

(laughter)

>> (laughing): Oh, God.

>> HARDWICK: Here, hold the

baby-- I'm gonna go inside and

fuck a pancake!

(laughter)

>> They don't even look happy.

>> HARDWICK: No, of course they

don't look happy!

This looks like an evolution

chart.

(laughter)

(whooping, applause)

That... that got pooped out this

Christmas butthole right here.

>> It looks like that family

shares one long unibrow.

>> HARDWICK: One... just all the

way across.

>> Hey, what if those shirts

started off white?

>> Oh-ho! Oh.

(laughter)

>> What if? I'm just saying.

>> HARDWICK: What if? What if?

Well, if you like that, you'll

love her calendar.

There it is.

Hey, there she is with a gun

there.

Order your 2016 calendar today.

Get to shoot whoever did her

hair in this picture. Uh...

(laughter)

The best... the best part is the

quote at the top, though, which

I don't know if you can see.

But this quote up here says...

Ted Fuckin' Nugent!

Ted Nugent!

She's quoting Ted Nugent!

That gun-totin',

guitar-slingin',

minority-hatin', right wing

creature made of Slim Jims...

who sang the classic song "Cat

Scratch Fever" and then nothing

else, really. Uh...

(laughter)

It's funny, when we were in the

writers' room, and... and we

were questioning whether or not

we should put "minority-hating"

in there, and I go, "Do we know

if he hates minorities?" and one

of our writers, Blaine Capatch,

goes, "Look at the hat."

(laughter)

(whooping)

>> Yeah.

Got the hat.

>> HARDWICK: That... that hat

has its own hood. Uh...

(laughter)

Comedians, I would like you to

give me another inspirational

message from Ted Nugent.

Adam.

>> Life could always be worse.

You could always be Ted Nugent.

>> HARDWICK: All right, points.

Yes, Jermaine Fowler.

>> Dream as if you'll live

forever, live as if you'll

accidentally shoot yourself in

the face with a shotgun today.

>> HARDWICK: All right.

Points, points.

Alice Wetterlund!

>> Now, only you can prevent

forest fires by shooting at

them.

(laughter)

>> HARDWICK: Yeah, you got to...

you got to shoot them in the

heart.

You got to shoot that fire in

the brain like a zombie.

>> Take a shot, shoot that

forest fire right in the face.

It's now time for our Hashtag

Wars.

(whooping, cheering)

Now... if you've flipped through

TV channels recently-- please

don't do it right now, even

though I'm sure you're watching

this on the Internet--

you may have noticed there are

about 400 Christmas movies

playing at any one given time.

You know, things like Miracle on

34th Street, Muppet Christmas

Carol, and Die Hard.

Yeah, I'm that asshole friend

who thinks he's so cool and

subversive by pointing out that

Die Hard is actually a Christmas

movie! It is!

It just is a Christmas movie!

>> It just is!

(whooping)

>> HARDWICK (like Jeremy Irons):

M-M-Mr. McClane.

Merry Christmas.

(laughter)

That guy sure knows how to

totally ruin a Christmas movie,

so in the spirit, tonight's

hashtag is RuinAChristmasMovie.

Examples might be: A Christmas

Without Carol, or Single All the

Way, or The Santa Cruz.

Uh, I'm gonna put 60 seconds on

the clock, and begin.

Jermaine.

>> Jingle All the Wayans.

>> HARDWICK: Points.

Adam.

>> Miracle on Dirty Whore

Street.

>> HARDWICK: Points.

Alice.

>> Home Alone 15: So Alone.

>> HARDWICK: Points.

Jermaine.

>> Ernest Saves Child

Pornography on His Hard Drive.

>> HARDWICK: Points.

(applause, laughter)

Alice.

>> There Is a Scientific

Explanation for What Happened on

34th Street.

>> HARDWICK: All right, points.

Adam.

>> Boodged!

>> HARDWICK: Yes, points.

Alice.

>> 50 Shades of Red and Green.

>> HARDWICK: All right, points.

Jermaine Fowler.

>> Oh. How the Grinch Stole the

Life Savings of Korean War

Veterans.

>> HARDWICK: All right, points.

Yes.

>> He would!

>> HARDWICK: He would do that.

>> He would.

>> HARDWICK: He would do that.

Adam.

>> Uh, Black Face Nativity.

>> HARDWICK: Okay.

That would ruin a Christmas

movie!

>> That's white people but

they're.. .but they're all in...

>> HARDWICK: It would ruin...

a Christmas movie!

It's time to play Go Medieval.

Go Medieval.

With Snapchat's drawing feature,

everyone can create timeless

works of art that last just ten

seconds.

Maybe Snapchat could use some

more enduring works like this

one.

>> That's amazing.

>> HARDWICK: That's from

Dr. Seuss's ancestor

Bloodletter Seuss, during his

contaminator water... during his

contaminated water period.

Comedians, I'm gonna show you a

medieval painting from the

derpyeahmiddleages.tumblr and

for 250 points I want you to

give me the Snapchat caption,

all right?

First up, this bloody display of

teamwork.

Yes, Adam?

>> Inquisition had me like...

>> HARDWICK: Points.

Points.

Alice.

>> You know, I said just a

little off the top.

>> HARDWICK: All right, points.

Jermaine.

>> Performing surgery,

Dr. Ben Carson like...

>> HARDWICK: Points, points.

>> That's how they talk.

How little kids talk.

Like...

>> Like...

>> That's how all Snapchats end.

>> No one ever finishes a

sentence on Snapchat, it drives

me crazy.

>> HARDWICK: Yeah, no, that's

'cause they just can't even...

>> Can't even what?!

>> HARDWICK: I can't even...

>> Can't even what?!

>> HARDWICK: I can't even...

>> I can't wit' you.

>> HARDWICK: I can't even...

>> I can't wit' you.

>> HARDWICK: I be all, like...

>> That's my cousin.

>> HARDWICK: I'll be all like,

"I can't even..."

I can't eve...

>> I can't, I can't!

>> HARDWICK: Stop.

>> I won't!

>> HARDWICK: Kardashian.

All right, next up, how about

these derpy devils?

How about these derpy devils?

Jermaine.

>> When you meet your favorite

demon goat cousin, hashtag...

#PaganThanksgivings.

>> HARDWICK: All right, points.

Uh, Adam.

>> Uh, that feeling when you

show up to the party in the same

outfit, oh.

>> HARDWICK: Yeah, points.

>> God.

>> HARDWICK: Oh, you got it in

yellow?

Alice.

>> I can't demon...

>> HARDWICK: Jesus Christ.

Oh, goddamn it.

Aah...

>> (whoops)

>> HARDWICK: I... I must give

you points for that, I'm...

angered and in love with that

joke at the same time.

Next one, what about this

phallic foliage?

Oh, good lord!

Well, it's time to go pick the

dick tree.

These are... these are wicked

urethra slits there, that is...

>> Hey, the fact that they're

circumcised is the best part,

man.

They fall... she trims 'em with

the hedge trimmers.

>> That's what... Yeah.

>> HARDWICK: And look at

this-this poor, sad soul.

I have to go to market again.

(Cockney accent): What's all

this, then?

What's all this, then?

>> What's all this?

>> HARDWICK: What's all this,

then?

>> What's all this?

>> HARDWICK: Look at these big

ol' dicks in a tree.

>> They're trimming big ol'

massive dicks in the tree,

they're trimming massive dicks.

Oi... Oi!

>> HARDWICK: It's a massive

bush, that's a fucking massive

bush!

>> Put me cock in the basket.

>> HARDWICK: All right, Alice.

>> Okay.

Uh... okay.

>> HARDWICK: There's a-there's a

whole separate side meta show

going on with... that's in

parallel to the show.

>> This is a continuation of

something you guys were doing

this weekend.

>> That was cut.

>> HARDWICK: It just happened,

yeah.

>> You have to get the DVD

extras, it's, um... uh, eggplant

emoji.

>> HARDWICK: Yes, points.

Points.

Adam.

>> Oh, well, this is... this is

clearly Jeb and George's

brother, Dick Bush.

>> HARDWICK: All right.

Clearly.

>> What? What?

>> HARDWICK: Clearly.

>> Lesser-known bush.

>> HARDWICK: Points.

>> The governor of Arkansas.

>> HARDWICK: Jermaine.

>> You know you a ho when you

farming dicks.

I'm a ho like...

I'm a ho like...

>> HARDWICK: I mean... I don't

know if she's farming them.

She's just picking them.

>> Oh, 'tis a hard life for a

dick farmer, oh.

>> She got the wrong... she got

the wrong seeds.

>> Oh... me fingers are bloody.

>> Got the wrong seeds.

>> Or covered with something

else, perhaps.

>> It's easier to pick them in

the morning.

>> Hey!

>> HARDWICK: Oh, 100 points to

Alice Wetterlund for that.

>> Yay.

Boom!

>> That was nice, there, Alice.

>> HARDWICK: What about this

cross-eyed cocoon?

What is this crazy...

Yes, Jermaine.

>> Dyin' of bird flu, y'all.

>> HARDWICK: Points, points.

>> (coughs)

And he coughs.

>> HARDWICK: Oh, my God, he's

totally doing the two in the...

He's doing the shocker.

>> Yeah, I know my fingers.

>> HARDWICK: He's totally doing

the shocker.

>> Or he's a Crip, one of those

two.

>> HARDWICK: No, he's doing the

shocker, he's shocked all those

birds, that's why they look so

surprised.

>> (exclaims)

>> HARDWICK: Yeah, up here it

hasn't happened yet.

They're like, "Oh, what's going

on?"

And then down here: "I totally

got shocked, you guys, I totally

got..."

>> They haven't walked into it

yet, you have to walk into the

shocker, they don't even know.

>> HARDWICK: I totally got... I

totally got finger blasted by a

weird-talking sarcophagus.

>> Don't come down here, Frank.

You-you don't want to come down

here, man, it's bad down here.

>> HARDWICK: You're not gonna be

happy.

Uh... yes, Alice.

>> Uh, new profile pic, LOL.

>> HARDWICK: Yeah, points.

Adam.

>> Uh, typical Friday night--

just gonna stay home, finger

blast my birds, so...

>> HARDWICK: Yeah, points.

Jermaine.

>> That's-that's just me.

>> HARDWICK: Next up, we have

these frolicking nudes.

>> Oh.

>> HARDWICK: This is shortly

before they go to the dick tree.

Yay!

>> Yay.

>> HARDWICK: Guys, let's go to

the dick tree!

We're going to the dick tree!

We're going to the dick tree!

>> It's full of dicks!

>> HARDWICK: Dick tree!

It's time to harvest some dicks,

yay!

>> It's full of dicks.

>> HARDWICK: (sighs)

Uh, all right...

Wh... Jermaine.

>> Circle jerk squad goals.

>> HARDWICK: All right, points.

Adam.

>> Uh, oh, this is Burning Man,

year one.

The first year of Burning Man

ever.

>> HARDWICK: Wait, Burning Man

year one they were literally

burning a man.

>> He had the plague, I swear.

>> HARDWICK: It's a witch!

>> Yeah.

>> HARDWICK: All right, finally,

this reclining goblin.

>> Yes.

Nailed it.

>> HARDWICK: Adam.

>> Uh, woke up like this.

#NoMakeup, #NoFilter, #Flawless.

>> HARDWICK: All right, points.

>> #Flawless.

>> HARDWICK: Jermaine.

>> #Flawless.

>> Just waiting to get smashed

by Aquaman.

>> Hey, yeah, oh, he's in the

background.

>> Yeah.

>> Sticking his arms and legs

up-- hi!

>> I'm just in the ocean bed

waiting for Aquaman.

>> Aquaman.

Before the break, I showed you a

list of the best jobs in

America, so we at @midnight were

like, "What would the worst jobs

be like?"

Oh, us. Uh...

Let's-let's see what you guys

came up with.

Let's start with you, Jermaine.

>> The Chicago Police Department

needs an experienced dash cam

video editor.

>> HARDWICK: Oh, shit. Oh...

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. Adam.

>> Now accepting applications to

drive Andy Dick to the airport.

>> HARDWICK: All right.

Alice Wetterlund.

>> Looking for someone to

murder.

Must have experience being

murdered.

No deads!

As we go to our next

game, Prez Dispensers.

Prez Dispensers.

Xenophobic sweet potato and

wispy human queef, Donald Trump,

is...

(cheering and applause)

not the...

>> He's queefing now.

>> HARDWICK: He's queefing right

now!

>> Yeah. Yeah, out of his mouth.

He's queefing out of his mouth.

(all growling and sputtering)

>> HARDWICK: "It's not my fault.

I told you this would happen if

we did doggy."

(growling)

'Cause you know how dogs queef

all the time.

He's not the only celebrity

who's had a hard time forming

complete sentences to run for

office.

Ronald Reagan was former

president of this country, in

case you don't remember.

Uh, he was a movie star before

he became president.

And both Arnold Schwarzenegger

and Jesse Ventura got elected on

the "if it bleeds, we can kill

it" platform.

Now, if this trend continues,

the embarrassing celebrities of

today will be embarrassing

politicians of tomorrow.

So, comedians, I'm gonna show

you a celebrity.

For 250 points, I want you to

tell me what their first action

as president will be.

First up, Kanye West.

(bell dings)

Jermaine.

>> Uh, rename the West Wing the

Kanye West Wing...

>> Nice.

>> ...and any room Kim is in the

Oval Office.

>> HARDWICK: All right, points.

>> 'Cause of her ass!

>> HARDWICK: Yep.

>> Oh!

I got it, I got it, I got it.

>> HARDWICK: Points. Next up,

uh, Adam Conover, Ronda-Ronda

Rousey.

>> Uh, eat applesauce for the

next 11 months.

>> HARDWICK: Oh, shit. Oh, damn.

I didn't... He said it, Ronda

Rousey!

He said it!

>> And then she'll be back in

there!

She'll be back in it!

>> HARDWICK: What, Jermaine?

>> Uh, immediately lose her

presidency to somebody no one's

ever heard of.

>> HARDWICK: Oh, shit! Oh, damn.

I got to give you points for

that.

>> She got knocked the fuck out!

>> HARDWICK: I got to give you

points for that.

Next up, Johnny Depp.

Johnny Depp.

Alice.

>> Make Tim Burton Chancellor of

Goth Bullshit.

>> HARDWICK: Yeah. All right.

Points.

Finally, Beyoncé.

President Beyoncé. Jermaine.

>> Start a can drive for the

surviving members of Destiny's

Child.

>> HARDWICK: All right.

Oh, shit. Oh, damn.

I don't think anyone's gonna top

that one.