Patrice O'Neal: Elephant in the Room

  • 02/19/2011

Patrice O'Neal expounds on cheating, safe sex and the need for an official Harassment Day.

I'MA SHOW YOU SOMETHING.

HERE'S WHY YOU SHOULDBE RESPONSIBLE FOR SAFE SEX.

ALL RIGHT, HOW MANY GUYSIN HERE, HONESTLY,

HAVE USEDA DENTAL DAM BEFORE?

[pop pop pop]

[pop pop pop]

[pop pop pop pop poppop pop]

DO YOU KNOWWHAT A DENTAL DAM IS?

YOU DO? NO ONE'SEVER USED ONE BEFORE, HUH?

SEE?SEE WHAT I'M SAYING?

YOU SEE WHAT I'M SAYINGABOUT THE CONDOMS?

Y'ALL JUST LIKE,"PUT THAT CONDOM ON,"

BUT, YOU KNOW,THE DENTAL DAM

IS A PIECEOF A TRASH BAG, RIGHT?

ABOUT AS BIG AS A NAPKINTHAT YOU FLIP OUT,

AND YOU LAY ITOVER A WOMAN'S VAGINA...

JUST IN CASE, YOU KNOW,IT'S--IT'S POISON...

TO PROTECT USFROM IMMINENT DANGER,

BUT WE DON'T USE IT'CAUSE YOU'LL BE INSULTED.

IF I'M GETTING READYTO HAVE SEX WITH YOU,

AND I PULL OUTA PIECE OF A TRASH BAG...

AND YOU GO,"UH, WHAT IS THAT?"

"OH, I'M JUST GONNA LAY THATOVER YOUR VAGINA,

JUST IN CASE IT KILLS ME."

"I'M SORRY,WHAT DID YOU SAY?"

AND WE SEE THAT FACE?"NOTHIN', FORGET IT.

"DON'T EVEN--PRETENDYOU DIDN'T SEE THAT.

"I'D RATHER DIE THAN TO...

"INSULT MY WAYOUT OF SOME PUSSY.

I'D RATHER JUST GETWHAT YOU GOT."

I CAN FEEL...

I CAN FEEL MY SEX DRIVE,RIGHT?

I STILL LOVE WOMEN,BUT I DON'T FEEL LIKE--

I DON'T FEEL LIKE HAVING SEXLIKE THAT.

BUT I STILL LOVELOOKING AT 'EM, LIKE, "OH."

BUT HERE'S WHAT GODDID FOR MEN.

HE TURNED MY HORNINESSINTO CREEPINESS.

LIKE, SO...

I CAN HAVE A GOOD TIMESITTING AT THE MALL

WATCHING CHICKS TRYIN'ON SNEAKERS AT THE FOOT LOCKER,

WITH THE CREEPY FACE, LIKE...

MMM!

I'M GOOD FOR THE DAY.

BUT WOMEN,YOU DON'T GET CREEPY.

YOU GET HORNIERAS YOU GET OLDER.

IT'S WEIRD,YOU WANT TO DO ALL YOUR SEXIN'

BETWEEN THE AGESOF 30 AND 50.

THAT'S WHEN YOU WANT IT.

BUT HERE'SHOW SAD THINGS ARE.

THE VALUE OF VAGINA'S ONLY GOODFROM 18 TO 29.

PUSSY GET OLD LIKE BREAD,NOT LIKE WINE. IT--

I DON'T WANT THE WAITER TO BRINGME A VINTAGE GLASS OF TWAT.

HE'D BE LIKE,"WOULD YOU LIKE A

"'52 LE STINKY VAGINA

FROM THE FUNK-FUNK REGION?"

YOU'D BE LIKE, "UGH!

"NIGGA, YOU AIN'T GOTA BETTER YEAR THAN THAT?

"YOU AIN'T GOT A..."

[laughs]

"GOT A '89 DOWN THERE?GIVE ME A '89.

"I DON'T CARE WHAT IT IS.

YOU KNOW HOW YOU CAN TELL HOWPRETTY A WHITE WOMAN IS?

THE VALUE?

YOU LOOK AT HER,

AND THEN YOU WONDER HOW LONGTHEY WOULD LOOK FOR HER

IF SHE WAS MISSING.

[laughter and applause]

COME ON, TAKE A LOOK.TAKE A LOOK.

LOOK AT THIS NIGGA LOOKIN'.LOOK, LOOK, LOOK, LOOK!

OOH-OOOOOH.

I SAW YOU LOOK MAD, SWEETIE.

HOW LONG,IF YOU WAS MISSIN',

HOW LONG YOU THINKTHEY WOULD--

HOW LONG YOU THINK--EXAC--

SHE DON'T EVEN--SHE WENT--

YOU KNOW THE DEAL.I AIN'T SAYING NOTHIN' WRONG.

WHITE WOMAN'S LIFEIS VALUABLE.

WHAT'S HIS NAME,JORAN VAN DER SLOOT?

RIGHT?

WE FOUND OUT HE WASA SERIAL KILL--

MAN, HE KILLS WOMEN.THAT'S WHAT HE DO.

HE DO IT WELL,YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

WE KNOW THE GIRLTHAT HE--

THAT HE, YOU KNOW,SUPPOSEDLY HAD, UH--

WHAT'S THE GIRLIN ARUBA?

NATALEE HOLLOWAY.

RIGHT?

BUT THE ONE--HE JUST KILLED A GIRL IN PERU.

WHAT'S HER NAME?UM...

EXACTLY.

LOOK HOW FASTYOU SAID NATALEE.

YOU SAID NATALEE!

♪ NATALEE-E-E

♪ HOLLOWA-A-A-AY

♪ THAT ANGEL

Y'ALL SAID THATLIKE FAMILY FEUD.

A'IGHT, NAME A WHITE GIRLBEEN MISSING

FOR FIVE YEARSIN ARUBA.

F--NATALEE HOLLOWAY!

SURVEY SAYS...

NAME A PERUVIAN GIRLTHAT WAS KILLED YESTERDAY.

WHAT IS THAT BIG-HEAD,

THIRD-WORLDPERUVIAN BITCH'S NAME?

HAS TO BE YORRISOR SOMETHING GOOFY.

DON'T GET MADAT YOURSELF.

I GAVE IT TO YOU.

YOU SAW HOW FASTSHE SAID NATALEE HOLLOWAY.

DIANA ROSS RIGHT HERESAID NAT--

SHE KNEW HER NAME!

HA!

[hoarse feminine voice]"THAT WHITE GIRL

WAS NATALEE HOLLOWAY!"

IF YOU WANT TO UNDERSTANDMEN, LADIES

LOOK, I'M HERE FOR YOU.

I'M JUST TELLING YOUWHAT WE ARE.

WHAT WE ARE,YOU KNOW, NOT WHO WE ARE.

WHAT WE ARE.

JUST LIKE WHAT WE ARETHAT MAKES US STRUGGLE.

AND, REALLY,MEN ARE PERFECT CREATURES,

EXCEPT FOR, YOU KNOW,ONE...

LIKE, IF MOST WOMENWOULD WANT TO BE A MAN

IF YOU DIDN'T HAVETO GIVE UP

THAT POWERTHAT YOU HAVE,

WHICH IS OUR WEAKNESS.

THAT'S OUR WEAKNESS.

IT'S VERY DIFFICULT.

I'M TELLING YOU, MAN.

LIKE, I DON'T WANT TO WANTTO BE WITH OTHER WOMEN EVER.

LIKE, I WANT TO JUSTWALK DOWN THE STREET AND GO,

"I NEVER NEED TO LOOKAT ANOTHER WOMAN AGAIN,

'CAUSE I'M WITH THE LAST WOMANI'M EVER GONNA BE WITH."

AND I'M LIKE...BUT IT AIN'T REAL.

IT'S JUST...

LIKE, NO GUY WANTS TO CHEATAND HURT HIS WOMAN, MAN.

THAT HURTS.

FIRST OF ALL, THINK ABOUT

WHAT CHEATING ISFOR A SECOND, LADIES.

CHEATING IS A MAN,

HE SNEAKSOUT OF HIS OWN HOUSE

TO GO, LIKE, FIND SOME HAPPINESSBEHIND YOUR BACK

SO YOUR FEELINGSAREN'T HURT.

CHEATING IS FOR YOU.

IT'S NOT...

IT'S NOT FOR ME.

WE DON'T WANT TO HURT YOU.

IF YOU GAVEA LIE DETECTOR TEST

TO A MAN AND A WOMAN

AND ASKED THEMTHE SAME QUESTIONS, MAN,

WE WOULD PASS THEM BOTH

UP TO A POINT WHEREIT'S LIKE, HEY,

ASK A WOMAN, "YOU LOVE YOUR MAN?YOU LOVE YOUR FAMILY?

YOU LOVE YOUR HOME?YOU LOVE WHAT YOU BUILT?"

"YEP."

"ALL RIGHT, YOU SEE BRAD PITTOR DENZEL WASHINGTON

"OR WHATEVERSTANDING THERE,

"WOULD YOU RISK EVERYTHINGYOU BUILT WITH YOUR MAN

JUST TO SLEEP WITH HIM?"

AND WOMEN, LOOK, THEY'LL GO"NAH, I WOULDN'T."

AND THEY'LL PASS THE TEST.

THEY'LL BE LIKE,"EH, YOU KNOW,

"THEY LOOK GOOD,BUT I WOULDN'T."

ASK GUYS THE SAME THING,YOU KNOW, BOOM,

LOVE YOUR WOMAN,THE KIDS, THE HOU--

"YEAH.""ALL RIGHT, YOU--

YOU SEE THAT GIRL PASSED OUTBEHIND THE DUMPSTER?"

"WOULD YOU RISK EVERYTHINGFOR A PASSED-OUT WOMAN

BEHIND A DUMPSTER?"

"I DON'T WANT TO,BUT LOOK AT HER

WITH GARBAGE ON--SHE LOOKSSO CUTE WITH GARBAGE ON HER."

TO BE FAIR TO WOMEN...UM...

YOU KNOW, IT'S...

LOOK, GOD HAS BEENVERY CRUEL TO YOU.

BEING A WOMAN,AS A CREATURE,

I THINKIT'S JUST UNFAIR.

I WOULDN'TWANT TO BE A WOMAN.

IT'S JUST...I MEAN, LIKE, YOUR PERIOD,

LIKE,I LOOK AT THAT AND--

AND SEE WHAT MY WOMANGO THROUGH EVERY MONTH.

LIKE, IF MY NOSE BLEDEVERY MONTH,

I THINK I WOULDKILL MYSELF.

I WOULD BE LIKE,"MOTHER--OH, MY GOD, MAN."

YOU GOTTA STICK SOMETHINGIN YOUR NOSE

WITH A STRING HANGING OUT.

GOTTA TAKE THAT OUT,WHAT, EVERY SEVEN SECONDS

OR WHATEVER.

AND FIVE DAYSBEFORE YOUR NOSE BLEEDS,

YOU KNOWIT'S GONNA BLEED,

BUT YOU DON'T KNOW WHEN,

SO YOU JUSTSITTIN' THERE LIKE,

"WHEN IS MY NOSE

"GOING TO START BLEEDING?

OH, MY GOD!"

AND THEN IF YOUR NOSE DON'TBLEED WHEN IT'S SUPPOSED TO,

YOU'RE LIKE,"OH, MY GOD!

"MY NOSE IS SUPPOSEDTO BE BLEEDING BY NOW!"

[crying]

"I'MA GO TO THE HOSPITAL

IF IT'S NOT BLEEDING SOON!"

AND Y'ALL GET HORNYAND...

MY WOMAN GETS HORNY ON HER--OH, MY GOD.

AND I AIN'T DOWN WITH THAT.

AND I SEE HER FACE,LIKE IF I WOULD DO IT ONE TIME,

IT PROBABLYWOULD CHANGE HER LIFE,

LIKE SHE WOULD BEJUST SO GRATEFUL,

BUT I JUST CAN'T.

SHE'S LIKE, "COME ON.

"YOU KNOW, COME ON.JUST...

JUST LAY A--COME ON,LAY A TOWEL OR SOMETHING DOWN."

AND I WAS GONNA DO ITONE TIME,

BUT THEN I GOOGLEDTHE WHOLE CYCLE.

THERE'S ALL KIND OF STUFFHAP--I DON'T...

I SHARPENED A MOP STICK.

EVERY MONTH,I JUST POKE HER,

I GO, "YAH! GET BACK!

"YAH! BACK!GET IN THE CLOSET!

GET OUT OF HERE!"

SLIDE HER SOME RAW MEATUNDER THE DOOR.

"EAT THAT FOR A WEEK!HA! GET BACK!"

I MEAN, LOOK.

LET'S DISCUSS HARASSMENT...

FOR A SECOND.

WHY CAN'T...

I HARASS YOU...

SOMETIMES?

SOMETIMES.

I CAN NEVER HARASS YOU?

NEVER?

AND I'M NOT TALKIN' ABOUT--

[growls]

ARRRGH!

OOGA-BOOGA!

LIKE, I'M TALKIN' JUST...

AT THE JOB.

IT'S UNFAIRTHAT I CAN'T HARASS YOU

AT THE WORKPLACE.

LIKE--

YOU LOOKIN'HOW YOU LOOKIN',

AND I CAN'T JUST--A LITTLE SOMETHIN'

THAT HAS TO DO--

LIKE, YOU GOTTA BE CAREFULJUST TO SAY,

"HEY, YOU LOOKBEAUTIFUL TODAY."

THAT'S HOW MESSED UPTHE GAME IS.

I THINK YOU SHOULD BE ABLETO COMMENT

ON ANY PART OF THE BODY

THAT YOU SEE.

IF YOU--

I'M SERIOUS.

WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

JEANNIE.NOW, JEANNIE, NO DISRESPECT.

BUT IF I WORKWITH YOU,

I SHOULD BE ABLETO WALK IN AND GO,

"OH, JEANNIE, BEAUTIFUL, UH,

TITTY MEATYOU HAVE THERE."

AND--

'CAUSE I SEE THAT.

BUT WHATEVERTHE SCIENTIFIC TERM IS--

I'M LOOKING AT MR. F--

HEY, 4.9 GRADE POINT AVERAGE,WHAT'S THE--

WHAT'S THE SCIENCE TERM

FOR, UH, T--THE TITTY MEAT?

WHAT'S THE ACTUAL--

AND IT'S NOT THE CLEAVAGE.

I MEAN, THE CLEAVAGE ISTHE SPACE IN THE MIDDLE.

I'M TALKING 'BOUT THE MEAT.

THE MEAT, THE TITTY PART.

AND I'M NOT BEIN' FOUL.

JUST, YOU KNOW,WHOA.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

JUST SO I CAN GOTHROUGH THE REST OF THE DAY

WITHOUT PRETENDING...

THAT I DON'T SEEWHAT--WHAT YOU--

YOU--YOU UNDERSTANDWHAT I'M SAYING?

I MEAN,LET'S WORK OUT A DEAL.

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