Monday, June 9, 2014

  • 06/09/2014

Michelle Buteau, Dave Hill and Steve Agee come up with memes for Hardwicking, #RuinThe90s and answer FAQs from the Church of Satan's website.

>> RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S "RAPID REFRESH."

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )HI, GUYS!

ANOTHER DAY, ANOTHER N.B.A.FINALS INJURY MEME.

GAME ONE BROUGHT US LEBRONING,WHERE PEOPLE IMITATED A CRAMP-Y

LEBRON JAMES GETTING CARRIED OFFTHE COURT, WHICH LOOKED LIKE

THIS ON TWITTER.

IT LOOKS LIKE MORE LIKE THEY'REPRESENTING HER.

( LAUGHTER )GAME TWO THEN GAVE US PARKERING,

A.K.A., COLLAPSING LIKE SPURSGUARD TONY PARKER INTO

( FRENCH ACCENT )LE FETAL POSITION, WHICH LOOKED

LIKE THIS ON TWITTER.

ALL THESE GUYS ARE PARKERRINGRIGHT THERE.

I WANT @MIDNIGHT TO OUT-MEME THEN.B.A. FINALS.

I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO HAVE THISKIND OF MEME.

SO, COMEDIANS, IF HARDWICKINGWAS A MEME, WHAT WOULD IT BE?

MR. CAVE HILL.

>> BEING A REALLY HANDSOMEPOPULAR GUY THAT EVERYONE LOVES

BUT STILL CALLING YOURSELF ANERD FOR SOME REASON ANYWAY.

( APPLAUSE )>> I WILL GIVE YOU POINTS.

STEVE AGEE.

( BLEEP) A MODEL IN YOUR JAGUARAND THEN GIVING AGEE POINTS.

( APPLAUSE )

>> TO BE CLEAR-- I OWN AN ACTUALJAGUAR, THE ANIMAL.

( LAUGHTER )I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE TWITTER

LIKE, "HARDWICKING IS WHEN YOUSAY YOU'RE HOSTING A SHOW BUT

YOU REALLY SUCK 20 DICKS, ORWHATEVER IT'S GOING TO BE.

I DON'T KNOW IF I ACTUALLY WANTTO SEE WHAT YOU GUYS ARE GOING

TO DO WITH THE HARDWICKINGMEME, BUT I WOULD LIKE TO GIVE

YOU A CHANCE.

SO MAKE UP YOUR OWN POST ANDPOST IT ON TWITTER, TUMBLR,

INSTAGRAM, OR VINE, WITH THEHASHTAG HARDWICKING, AND IF WE

SEE ANY WE LIKE, WE MIGHT PUTTHEM ON THIS VERY SHOW.

PROBABLY NOT, THOUGH, BECAUSE IDON'T KNOW IF THAT'S GOING TO

TURN OUT SO WELL FOR ME.

ALRIGHT NEXT. KUTATU BROUGHT USA STORY ABOUT A MALL IN SOUTH

KOREA THAT HAD A STATUE OF APOPULAR SUPER HERO REMOVED

BECAUSE OF, UM, REASONS -- THATMAY HAVE BEEN SEXUAL.

>> COMEDIANS WHAT WAS THESTATUE OF?

A, THE HULK GENTLY FLICKING HISERECT NIPPLES?

B, SPIDER-MAN WITH A HUGE BONER

C, A FANTASTIC FOUR-WAY.

MICHELLE.

>> ALTHOUGH I LOVE C, I'M GOINGTO SAY B.

>> THE CORRECT ANSWER IS B.

AND THIS IS WHAT THAT LOOKEDLIKE.

THERE IT IS.

#HASHTAGWARS.

KIDS!

YOUR VIDEO GAMES.

E3 STARTED TODAY AND X-BOX ONEANNOUNCED THE RELEASES OF A NEW

"HALO: MASTER CHIEF COLLECTION"AND A NEW TOMB RAIDER, WHICH

FEATURES ALL THE EXCITEMENT OFLARA CROFT IN THERARPY

>> I THINK WE'RE MAKING PROGRESSIN THESE SESSIONS.

YOU SAY THE THE FLASH BACKS HAVESTOPPED.

THAT'S EXCELLENT IMPROVEMENT.

( LAUGHTER )>> I HOPE SHE SORTS OUT HER

ISSUES?

IN THIS GAME.

THESE VIDEO GAMES BRING ME BACKTO THE 90s, SO IN HONOR OF

THEIR RESURECTIONS, TONIGHT'SHASHTAG IS #RUINTHE90S.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )EXAMPLES WOULD BE CLARISSA

EXPLAINS MY BALLS.

OR JUST SINGLED OUT. ( BLEEP )IT.

YEAH.

NICOLAS CAGE AGAINST THEMACHINE.

ANYTHING FROM THE 90s.

BULLS ON PARADE.

I'M GOING TO PUT 60 SECONDS ONTHE CLOCK AND GO.

STEVE AGEE.

>> BOY MEETS WORLD STAR HIP-HOP.

>> POINTS.

MICHELLE.

>> FRESH PUBES OF HAIR.

>> YES, POINTS.

STEVE.

>> BILLY CRYSTAL PEPSI.

>> OH, CRYSTAL PEPSI.

THAT ALREADY RUINED THE 90s.

POINTS.

MICHELLE.

>> LOST THE BABY SPICE.

>> DAVE HILL.

>> LA-LA CHLAMYDIA.

>> POINTS.

MICHELLE.

>> SALT AND POOPERS HERE.

>> POINTS. AH, PUSH IT.

STEVE.

>> CHODE THE WET SPROCKET.

>> YEAH, CHODE THE WETSPROCKET, SURE, POINTS. DAVE.

>> OKAY LOOKING WOMAN.

( LAUGHTER )

>> OH, YES, SURE.

YES.

( APPLAUSE )>> NO, NO, COME BACK!

IT'S NOT OVER, STEVE.

>> HOLE.

"WHAT'S THE 666?"

THERE ARE SO MANY RELIGIONSVYING FOR OUR SOULS ON THE

INTERNET, IT'S PUTTING THOSEDOOR-TO-DOOR JEHOVA'S WITNESSES

OUT OF BUSINESS.

CHURCHOFSATAN.COM HAS ACONVENIENT SECTION OF FREQUENTLY

ASKED QUESTIONS TO HELP LURE YOUTO ETERNAL DAMNATION.

COMEDIANS, I'M GOING TO READ YOUA QUESTION FROM THE CHURCH OF

SATAN F.A.Q., AND I WANT YOU TOFILL IN THE ANSWER.

"MY PARTNER AND I WANT TO HAVE ASATANIC WEDDING?

HOW CAN WE DO THAT?"MICHELLE.

>> YOU NEED TO HAVE A CASH BAR.

>> YES.

THAT'S GOOD ADVICE FOR ANY--I'LL GIVE YOU POINT FOR THAT.

DAVE HILL, DID YOU WANT TO THROWONE IN?

>> HAVE AN UNAPPEALINGVEGETARIAN OPTION.

>> YEAH, DEFINITELY, POINTS.

NEXT ONE.

"HOW DO I SELL MY SOUL?"DAVE.

>> USE A PICTURE OF A-- FROMWHEN I WAS YOUNGER AND THINNER.

>> OH, YES, POINTS.

WHEN YOU SHOW UP THEY'RE LIKEYOU DON'T LOOK LIKE YOUR

PICTURE.

>> WHAT IF YOU WERE NEVERTHINNER?

YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN THIS SIZE?

>> OOOH.

>> STEVE?

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

>> WHAT I LIKE TO DO IS JUSTTAKE IT TO THE PARKING LOT OF A

PHISH CONCERT AND TELL PEOPLEIT'S MOLLY.

>> I LIVE IN BED-STY, SO I WOULDDEFINITELY RENT TO OWN.

>> THIS IS A REAL BUSINESS FORYOU.

ARE YOU THE DEVIL THAT CAPE?

>> DO YOU REALLY WANT TO FINDOUT?

>> NO.

( APPLAUSE )

>> POINTS!

POINTS!

LAST ONE.

"MY PARENTS DON'T UNDERSTAND WHYI AM INTERESTED IN SATANISM AND

THINK I'M INTO DEVIL WORSHIP.

WHAT CAN I DO?"MICHELLE.

>> TRY DATING A BLACK GUY.

THEY'LL COME AROUND.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

"TERADORABLE."

( APPLAUSE )BABIES ON THE INTERNET ARE

ALWAYS GETTING INTO THETHE CRAZIEST SITUATIONS.

WE'RE GOING TO SHOW YOU ACLOSE-UP OF AN INTERNET BABY,

AND YOU HAVE TO TELL US IFTHEY'RE IN A TERRIBLE SITUATION

OR AN ADORABLE SITUATION.

BONUS POINTS IF YOU CAN CONVINCEME THAT IT SHOULD BE THE OTHER

WAY AROUND.

FIRST ONE, TERRIBLE OR ADORABLE?

TERRIBLE OR ADORABLE. STEVEAGEE?

>> ( BLEEP ) TERRIBLE.

>> WAIT WHY?

IT'S WEARING A NECKLACE.

( LAUGHTER )>> ALL RIGHT LET'S FIND OUT IF

NECKLACE BABY IS A TERRIBLESITUATION.

YES.

( APPLAUSE )>> I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT'S NOT

ADORABLE!

IT'S KIND OF ADORABLE!

>> IT'S FEEDING TIME.

>> TO BE FAIR, IT'S A CRUCIFIX.

SO-->> YEAH, HE'S GIVING DADDY BEER

FOR THE LORD.

>> THE NECKLACE DOESN'T SEEM ASBAD NOW.

THE OTHER THING.

>> COMPARATIVELY. THE NECKLACEIS ACTUALLY THE BEST THING

IN THAT PICTURE.

ALL RIGHT, NEXT ONE, HOW ABOUTTHIS LITTLE GUY?

HOW ABOUT THIS LITTLE GUY?

>> AW, MICHELLE.>> ADORABLE.

I WANT TO BREAST FEED THAT BABY!

DAMN, THAT BABY'S CUTE!

>> LET'S FIND OUT. LET'S FINDOUT.

>> I'M CONFUSED.

IS IT TERRIBLE? >> IT'S A TACO BABBY!

( APPLAUSE )>> I THOUGHT IT WAS A DINOSAUR

COSTUME.

>> THAT POOR BABY HAS NO( BLEEP ) IDEA WHAT'S HAPPENING

TO HIM RIGHT NOW.

IT JUST HAS NO-->> EXTRA GASSY.

( LAUGHTER ).

>> ALL RIGHT, NEXT ONE.

HOW ABOUT THIS LITTLE CRY BABY?

AAAHHH.

MICHELLE.

>> SOMETHING TERRIBLE LIKECOMING OUT OF VAGINA.

>> YOU THINK THIS IS CHILD BIRTHRIGHT THERE?

>> YEAH, IT LOOKS LIKE IT.

>> THAT IS-- THAT IS A LUSTROUSCOIF OF HAIR.

LET'S FIND OUT. TERRIBLE ORADORABLE?

FAILURE TO LAUNCH

FARTHER TO LAUNCH.

SO THE OTHER DAY, RICHARD A53-YEAR-OLD SINGLE DIVORCA FROM

FLAGSTAFF ARIZONA, SO THIS GUYPOSTED AN AD IN THE MEN SEEKING

WOMEN SECTION OF CRAIGSLIST,HERE ARE TONIGHT'S TOP 10

REASONS WHY YOU SHOULD HAVELUNCH WITH RICHARD.

RIGHT AWAY, I'M GOING TO PUTNUMBER ONE AS BECAUSE HE LOOKS

LIKE WILFERRELL'S DAD ENGAGED ININDIANA JOANS COSPLAY.

SOME OF THE REASONS HE LISTEDINCLUDES LOVES TO LAUGH.

MAY BREAK INTO SPONTANEOUSTICKLE FIGHTS WITH YOU.

HOPEFULLY WITH YOUR CONSENT. ITDIDN'T SPECIFY.

COMEDIANS, PLEASE HELP RICHARDOUT BY COMING UP WITH MORE

REASONS TO HAVE LUNCH WITH HIM.

I'M PUTTING 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK STARTING NOW.

STEVE.

>> YOUR LIFE ISN'T GOING TO ENDITSELF.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

>> MICHELLE.

>> HE'S GOT AN INSURANCE POLICYAND A HEART CONDITION.

>> POINTS, DAVE.

>> HIS TURTLENECK IS GOING TOLOOK A WHOLE LOT BETTER ON YOUR

BEDROOM FLOOR.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )( APPLAUSE ).

>> POINTS. STEVE.

>> TICKLE FIGHT MAY ESCALATE TOMURDER FIGHT.

>> SURE, I'LL GO TO LUNCH WITHTHAT GUY.

POINTS.

MICHELLE.

>> YOU WANT TO MEET YOURBIOLOGICAL FATHER.

( APPLAUSE )>> YEAH, POINTS.

DAVE?

>> WHEN YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY SUREYOU DON'T WANT TO DIE ALONE,

I'LL BE WAITING.

>> POINTS.

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