CC Presents: Greg Giraldo

  • Season 3, Ep 10
  • 08/08/2000

I WAS OUT THE OTHER NIGHT,YOU KNOW,

AND THIS HOMELESS GUYASKED ME FOR MONEY.

I WAS ABOUT TO GIVE IT TO HIM,AND THEN I THOUGHT,

"HE'S JUST GONNA USE ITON DRUGS OR ALCOHOL."

AND THEN I THOUGHT, "THAT'SWHAT I'M GONNA USE IT ON."

WHY THE HELL SHOULD I JUDGETHIS GUY, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

PEOPLE ALWAYS JUDGEHOMELESS GUYS, LIKE,

"IF YOU GIVE HIM MONEY,HE'S JUST GONNA WASTE IT.

HE'S GONNA WASTE THE MONEY."

WELL, HE LIVES IN A BOX.

WHAT DO YOU WANT HIMTO DO WITH IT?

SAVE IT UPAND BUY A WALL UNIT?

OR TAKE SOME KARATE CLASSES

OR PICK UP THAT HOT NEWRICKY MARTIN CD

HE'S HAD HIS EYES ON?

PEOPLE CAN BE SUCH BASTARDSTO HOMELESS GUYS.

I WALKED BEHIND THIS GUYTHE OTHER DAY.

A HOMELESS GUYASKED FOR MONEY.

HE LOOKS AT THE HOMELESS GUYAND GOES,

"GET A JOB, YOU BUM."

GET A JOB,LIKE IT'S ALWAYS THAT EASY.

THIS HOMELESS GUY WAS WEARINGHIS UNDERWEAR OUTSIDE HIS PANTS.

I'M GUESSING HIS RESUMEAIN'T ALL UP-TO-DATE.

I'M PREDICTING SOME PROBLEMSDURING THE INTERVIEW PROCESS.

I'M PRETTY SUREEVEN YOUR BASIC SWEAT SHOP

HAS AN UNDERWEAR-GO-INSIDE-THE-PANTS POLICY.

WHAT KIND OF WORKIS HE SUPPOSED TO GET?

HE LIVES IN THE GARBAGE.

"WELCOMETO SMITH BARNEY, SMELLY.

"COME ON IN.

"HERE'S YOUR DESKWITH THE AIR FRESHENERS ON IT.

"MAKE YOURSELF COMFORTABLE.

"NICE LOOK WITH THE UNDERWEAR;NICE TOUCH.

"IT'S CASUAL FRIDAY,SO THAT'S PERFECT, YOU KNOW.

MIGHT WANT TO GOWITH BOTH SHOES ON MONDAY."

AND THIS IS EASIERTHAN EXERCISING.

WE ARE ALL GETTING FATAS A COUNTRY, MAN.

SOMETHING LIKE 70%OF AMERICAN ADULTS ARE OBESE,

AND THE REST OF THEMARE WOMEN ON ALLY McBEAL.

EVERYBODY IN THE COUNTRYIS FAT.

WE'RE LIKE THE FATTEST COUNTRYIN THE WORLD.

I READ RECENTLY AMERICA'S IN THEMIDDLE OF AN OBESITY EPIDEMIC.

AN EPIDEMIC--THAT'S KIND OF A LOFTY WAY

TO DESCRIBE BEING A NATIONOF FAT BASTARDS, ISN'T IT?

AN EPIDEMIC,

LIKE WE'LL BE TELLINGOUR GRANDKIDS ABOUT IT ONE DAY:

THE GREAT OBESITY EPIDEMICOF THE YEAR 2000.

"HOW'D YOU GET THROUGH IT,GRANDPA?"

"OH, IT WAS HORRIBLE, JOHNNY.

"THERE WAS CHEESECAKEAND PORK CHOPS EVERYWHERE.

THERE WERE MORE DOUGHNUTS THANYOU COULD SHAKE A STICK AT."

WE'RE ALL GETTING FAT.

NOBODY KNOWSWHY WE KEEP GETTING FATTER.

OUR DIET IS TERRIBLE;YOU DON'T BURN ANY CALORIES.

DID YOU EVER TRY TO GETONE CHEESEBURGER

AT A FAST FOOD PLACE?

IT'S IMPOSSIBLE.

LIKE, "MAN, CAN I GETONE CHEESEBURGER?"

"IF YOU HAVE 25 MORE CENTSYOU GET 40 OF THEM.

I'LL PAY FOR ITIF THAT'S THE PROBLEM."

ALL WE DO IS SNACKON GARBAGE ALL DAY LONG.

A FRIEND OF MINE TOLD ME

HE BOUGHT HIS GIRLFRIEND EDIBLEUNDERWEAR FOR VALENTINE'S DAY.

EDIBLE UNDERWEAR--THAT'S A ROMANTIC TOUCH, HUH?

EDIBLE UNDERWEAR.

EVEN DURING SEX,WE CAN'T STOP EATING.

WHAT HAS TO BE GOING ON IN YOURLIFE TO TAKE YOUR MIND OFF FOOD?

HOLY [bleep],MY HOUSE IS ON FIRE.

MARSHMALLOWS.

[laughter and applause]

WE ARE ALL GETTING FATTERBY THE SECOND.

THAT'S WHY EVERYBODY HAS TO GOON THESE STUPID DIETS.

YOU SEE, EVERY WEEK,THERE'S, LIKE, A NEW DIET--

THE CAVEMAN DIET, YOU KNOW:ALL FAT.

EAT JUST MEAT;EAT ALL THE MEAT YOU WANT.

AND YOU GET SKINNYJUST BY EATING MEAT.

THAT'LL WORK; EAT ALL THE MEAT--

ALL DAY LONG,JUST MEAT, MEAT, MEAT.

AND YOU'LL GET SKINNYLIKE A CAVEMAN.

THAT'S NOT GONNA WORKIN THE LONG RUN.

THE REASON CAVEMEN WERE SKINNY

IS BECAUSEBEFORE THEY ATE SOMETHING,

THEY HAD TO CHASE IT AROUND FORA WEEK AND KILL IT WITH A STICK.

I MEAN, YEAH,

IF YOU HAD TO TRACKA PINT OF HAAGEN-DAZS

ACROSS THE TUNDRA FOR FIVE DAYS

BEFORE YOU BEAT IT WITH ABOULDER, SURE, THAT WOULD WORK.

THEN YOU GOT TO EXERCISE;THAT'S, LIKE, A PAIN.

YOU KNOW, IF YOU JOIN A GYM,

YOU GOT TO, LIKE, GO A LOTFOR IT TO WORK.

IT'S UNBELIEVABLE.

YOU GOT TO KEEP GOING AND GOING.

I DON'T KNOWHOW THESE GAY GUYS DO IT.

IT'S UNBELIEVABLE.

EVERY GAY GUY I KNOWIS BUILT LIKE A BODY BUILDER.

WHEN DID THAT START HAPPENING?

IT'S TOTALLY GOING TO CHANGETHE STEREOTYPE.

IT'S GONNA BE LIKE,"DO YOU THINK THAT GUY'S GAY?

IS HE A LITTLE--YOU KNOW, IS HE GAY?"

"OH, YEAH, HE BENCHES,LIKE, 450 POUNDS."

"WOW, THAT IS REALLY GAY--450?

THAT IS, LIKE, THE GAYEST GUYI'VE EVER HEARD OF."

PEOPLE WILL BEALL PROUD OF THEIR KIDS:

"LOOK AT THIS KID; HE'S GONNAGROW UP TO BE A LINEBACKER, MAN.

"HE'S BUILT LIKE A GAY GUY;LOOK AT HIM.

"LOOK AT THE SHOULDERSON THIS KID,

I READ RECENTLY,

50% OF AMERICAN ADULTS DON'TKNOW WHO MADELINE ALBRIGHT IS.

CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?

SHE WAS SO GOODON MURDER, SHE WROTE.

HOW DO YOU FORGET THIS WOMAN?

THEY RECENTLY DID A STUDY

WHERE THEY COMPARED THE MATH ANDSCIENCE SKILLS OF 12th GRADERS

IN 25 DIFFERENT COUNTRIES.

THE UNITED STATES CAME INTHIRD FROM THE BOTTOM.

YOU KNOW WHO WE BEAT?WE JUST BEAT OUT CYPRUS.

MY FIRST THOUGHT WAS, "MAN,WE GOT SOME REALLY STUPID KIDS."

AND THEN I THOUGHT, "I DIDN'TEVEN KNOW CYPRUS WAS A COUNTRY."

THAT IS JUST PATHETIC.

WE ARE NOT A BRIGHT NATIONOF PEOPLE, LET'S FACE IT.

YOU KNOW WHO BEAT US?MADAGASCAR.

MADAGASCAR, THE PEOPLETHAT RUN THE INDY 500--

[laughter]

HAVE BETTER MATHAND SCIENCE SKILLS

THAN THE UNITED STATESOF AMERICA.

EVER TALK TO A EUROPEAN PERSON?

THEY MAKE YOU FEELLIKE AN IDIOT.

PEOPLE FROM EUROPEKNOW EVERYTHING.

THEIR SCHOOLSARE UNBELIEVABLE.

THEY KNOW MORE ABOUT AMERICATHAN WE'LL EVER KNOW.

IT'S EMBARRASSING.

YOU GET IN CONVERSATIONSWITH THESE GUYS, LIKE,

"THE UNITED STATES WAS LUCKYTO KEEP ITS INDEPENDENCE

AFTER THE WAR OF 1812."

AND YOU'RE LIKE, "YEAH, FRENCHCHICKS GOT HAIRY PITS, RIGHT?

I KNOW THAT, MAN;HEY, IDIOT."

THEY HAD TO DUMB DOWNTHE BRITISH VERSION

OF WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE?

FOR AMERICAN AUDIENCESAND MAKE IT EASIER

SO WE CAN GETSOME QUESTIONS RIGHT,

AND IT'S STILL IMPOSSIBLE.

THAT SHOW IS A BIG HIT.

IT'S GONNA BE ON THE AIRFOR TEN YEARS,

AND WE KEEP GETTING DUMBER.

WHAT DO YOU THINK THAT SHOWWILL BE LIKE THEN?

"FOR $5 MILLION, WHAT DOESTHE A IN U.S.A. STAND FOR?

IS IT A, AMERICA?OR B, CUCUMBER?"

"I GOT TO USE MY LIFELINE,REGIS.

"I GOT TO CALL MY FRIEND HANS.

"HE'S A FOUR-YEAR-OLDIN HOLLAND.

HE KNOWS ALL THIS STUFF."

THIS GUY RECENTLY SUEDHIS LANDLORD

BECAUSE HE SAID

SCALDING WATER FROM THE SHOWERBURNED HIS GENITALS.

THAT'S A HELL OF A WAYTO TEST THE WATER, HUH?

[applause]

IT'S NOT A VERY BRIGHT COUNTRY,IS WHAT I'M GETTING AT.

I READ A BOOK RECENTLYFILLED WITH LETTERS

THAT SOLDIERSDURING THE CIVIL WAR

WROTE TO THEIR GIRLFRIENDSBACK HOME.

THESE WERE 17-YEAR-OLD KIDS.

MOST OF THEMNEVER EVEN WENT TO SCHOOL,

BUT EVERY LETTER IN THE BOOKWAS INCREDIBLE.

EVERY SINGLE LETTER WAS LIKE,"MY DEAREST HANNAH,

"THIS MORN FINDS ME WRACKED BYTHE FIERY PANGS OF YOUR ABSENCE.

"I'LL BEARYOUR CHERISHED MEMORY WITH ME

AS I BATTLE THE FORCESOF TYRANNY AND OPPRESSION."

NOW THINK ABOUTWHAT THE TYPICAL LETTER

FROM YOUR AVERAGEGULF WAR SOLDIER

TO HIS GIRLFRIEND BACK HOMEIN, LIKE, BROOKLYN

MUST HAVE READ LIKE.

"DEAR MARIE, IT IS HOTAS [bleep] OUT HERE.

[applause]

"IT IS HARD TO FIGHTTHESE SAND MONKEYS

"WITH YOUR BALLS STUCKTO YOUR LEGS.

"IT IS VERY, VERY HOT,AND I AM VERY, VERY SWEETY.

"IT IS VERY, VERY HOT OUT HEREBECAUSE I AM IN THE DESSERT.

"WHAT ELSE DID I WANT TO AX YOU?

OH, YEAH, DON'T [bleep] NOBODYTILL I GET BACK."

LOCAL NEWS IS WORTHLESS;IT'S ONLY WEATHER.

LOCAL NEWS IS JUSTFIRES AND CRIMES

AND 15 MINUTES OF WEATHER.

THEY HAVE THE WEATHER ONFOR 15 MINUTES,

BUT THEY SOMEHOW STILL MANAGETO DISGUISE THE FORECAST

SO THAT I MISS ITEVERY SINGLE TIME.

THEY ALWAYS TEASE YOU.

THEY NEVER ACTUALLY COME OUTAND TELL YOU.

THEY GOT TO WASTEA LOT OF TIME WITH IT.

THEY'RE LIKE,"TOMORROW'S GOING TO BE--

"LET'S TAKE A LOOKAT THE MAP.

"WE GOT A LOT OF BLUE AND PINKSTUFF HAPPENING OVER HERE.

"THERE'S A LOW PRESSURE FRONTOF SOME KIND

"COMING DOWN FROM CANADA

INTO A PART OF THE COUNTRYYOU'LL NEVER, EVER GO TO EVER."

THEY GIVE YOU, LIKE,THAT WINDCHILL FACTOR.

THAT'S A HELPFUL--WINDCHILL FACTOR.

THAT'S WHAT IT FEELS LIKEWHEN IT'S WINDY.

WHAT IT FEELS LIKE.

THAT'S A REAL SCIENTIFICMEASUREMENT, HUH?

"WHAT IT FEELS LIKE"--SEEMS A LITTLE SUBJECTIVE.

"YEAH, TOMORROW'SGOING TO BE RAINING,

"BUT IF YOU HAVE AN UMBRELLA,IT'LL FEEL LIKE IT'S DRY,

"SO DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

"IF YOU LIVEIN A BASEMENT APARTMENT,

TOMORROW WILL BE JUST LIKEEVERY OTHER DAY."

I LIKE WHEN THERE'S A BADWEATHER FORECAST ON THE NEWS,

AND THE ANCHORMAN PRETENDSHE'S ANGRY AT THE WEATHERMAN,

LIKE THE WEATHERMAN'SRESPONSIBLE FOR ALL THE WEATHER.

THEY ALWAYS DOTHAT CORNY LITTLE MOVE

WHERE THEY'RE LIKE,"SHOWERS ALL WEEKEND.

THANKS A LOT, BOB."

THEY NEVER BLAMETHE OTHER REPORTERS

FOR THEIR BAD NEWS.

THEY'RE NEVER LIKE,

"12 DEAD IN COLORADO;WAY TO GO, WILLY.

THAT IS BAD NEWS."

THEY DO THOSE MAN-ON-THE-STREETINTERVIEWS.

HOW STUPID IS THAT?

WHERE THEY JUSTINTERVIEW PEOPLE

AND GET THEIR OPINIONSABOUT THINGS

YOU DON'T WANT TO HEARANYONE'S OPINION ABOUT.

THEY'RE LIKE,"DO YOU THINK HILLARY CLINTON

SHOULD RUN FOR THE SENATEIN NEW YORK?"

THEY ASK SOME RANDOM GUYIN LINE AT THE MOVIES,

AND HE'S LIKE, "NO."

"WELL, THAT'S THE WORDON THE STREET, DAN.

BACK TO YOU IN THE STUDIO."

I LIKED WHEN THEY INTERVIEWEDPEOPLE

TO GET REACTIONSTO THE THINGS JOHN ROCKER SAID.

THAT WAS UNBELIEVABLE.

"WHAT DO YOU THINKOF JOHN ROCKER'S STATEMENT

"THAT NEW YORKIS FILLED WITH FOREIGNERS

THAT DON'T SPEAK ENGLISH?"

"I DON'T--I DON'T KNOW--"

[laughter and applause]

YEAH, IT'S FILLEDWITH FOREIGNERS,

BUT THAT'S WHAT MAKESAMERICA GREAT, RIGHT?

PEOPLE COME TO THIS COUNTRYFROM ALL OVER THE WORLD

TO PURSUE THEIR DREAMS

OF DRIVING A TAXIOR SELLING HOT DOGS

OR WORKING IN A SWEAT SHOP--

OPPORTUNITIES THAT DON'T EXISTIN THEIR COUNTRIES.

YOU KNOW WHAT SOMEBODY SAIDTO ME THE OTHER DAY?

"THESE ILLEGAL ALIENS COME OVERAND TAKE AWAY AMERICAN JOBS.

THEY'RE TAKING AWAY JOBSFROM AMERICANS."

WHEN'S THE LAST TIME YOU LOSTA JOB TO AN ILLEGAL ALIEN?

YOU WANT TO DELIVERYOUR OWN CHINESE FOOD?

IS THAT A JOB YOU'RE AFTER?

YOU WANT TO RIDEYOUR RATTY LITTLE BIKE

DOWN BROADWAY IN THE RAIN?

50ยข AN HOUR?

THEY'RE NOT TAKING AWAY

THE DREAM JOBSYOU WISH YOU COULD GET.

THEY'RE NOT BECOMING ILLEGALALIEN INVESTMENT BANKERS,

YOU KNOW, OR, LIKE,ILLEGAL ALIEN TV WEATHERMEN.

HEY, QUE PASA?

[mimicking Mexican accent]TODAY IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA

WILL BE WARM, MUGGY,

LOW VISIBILITY.

GOOD DAY TO CROSS A RIVER.

[cheers and applause]

HE CAME HERE FROM COLOMBIA.

YOU KNOW WHAT HE DOESFOR A JOB?

HE TRANSLATES FOR DEFENDANTSIN THE CRIMINAL COURTS,

FOR DEFENDANTSTHAT DON'T SPEAK ENGLISH.

BUT HE HATESALL THE DEFENDANTS.

I CAN'T IMAGINE WHAT KINDOF TRANSLATING HE'S DOING.

[speaking Spanish]

HE SAYS HE DID IT.

MY FATHER'S ALWAYS MADABOUT SOMETHING.

YOU KNOW WHAT HE HATES?

HE HATES THAT TACO BELL DOG.

EVERY TIME IT COMES ON,HE FREAKS OUT.

I'M JUST GLAD THE LITTLE GUYIS GETTING WORK.

THERE HASN'T BEEN A MEXICANACTOR GETTING THAT MUCH TV TIME

SINCE ERIK ESTRADALANDED ON CHIPS.

HE SAYS IT MAKES IT SEEM

LIKE ALL MEXICANS WANT TO DOIS GO TO TACO BELL.

WHAT DOES HE WANTTHE DOG TO SAY?

"YO QUERO TACO BELL.

"BUT THAT'S ONLY ONE OF THE MANYINTERESTS THAT I HAVE.

I ALSO ENJOY BOWLING,AND FROZEN YOGURT IS VERY GOOD."

HE LIKES TO SEEA WELL-ROUNDED CHIHUAHUA.

I DON'T SENSEA LOT OF THE PREJUDICE

BECAUSE, YOU KNOW,I'M SO WHITE.

MOST PEOPLE FIND OUTTHAT I'M HISPANIC,

THEY REACT THE SAME WAY,

LIKE, "WOW, MAN,YOU DON'T SEEM HISPANIC."

THEY SAY IT LIKEIT'S AN ENORMOUS COMPLIMENT.

"YOU DON'T SEEM HISPANIC.

"SERIOUSLY, YOU LOOK GOOD.NICE WORK.

YOU COULD ALMOST PASSFOR NORMAL; I LIKE IT."

I GOT CLOSE TO GETTING A JOBHOSTING A NATURE SHOW ON PBS,

AND I DIDN'T GET IT.

YOU KNOW WHAT THEY TOLD ME?

THEY DECIDED THEY WERE LOOKINGFOR SOMEONE ETHNIC.

I TOLD THEM,"ACTUALLY, I'M HISPANIC."

THEY SAID, "WELL,YOU'RE NOT HISPANIC ENOUGH."

NOT HISPANIC ENOUGHTO HOST THE NATURE SHOW ON PBS.

WHAT WERE THEY LOOKING FOR?

[mimicking Mexican accent]OKAY, CHECK IT OUT.THERE'S A TIGER, MAN.

JULIO, MANOLO, LOOKA HERE.

LOOKA WHAT HE DOIN', MAN.

[speaking Spanish]

AND YOU STILL SEE PREJUDICE,BUT IT'S SUBTLE.

I WAS READING THIS ARTICLEIN THE PAPER THE OTHER DAY

ABOUT A SMALL TOWN IN TEXAS,

AND THEY DESCRIBED THE TOWN ASBEING "OVERWHELMINGLY HISPANIC."

OVERWHELMINGLY.

WHY DON'T THEY JUST SAY,"IT'S CRAWLING WITH THEM"?

OVERWHELMING SOUNDS LIKEYOU'RE LOSING A WAR, YOU KNOW?

MAYDAY, MAYDAY, BE ADVISED WEARE OVERWHELMED WITH HISPANICS.

THESE GREASY LITTLE [bleep]ARE IN MY PERIMETER.

BE ADVISED.

I COULD SEEMY PROPERTY VALUE DROPPING

THREE CLICKSNORTH BY NORTHWEST.

IT'S NOT EASY TO FINDTHE ONE PERSON OUT THERE

YOU'RE MEANT TO SPENDTHE REST OF YOUR LIFE WITH.

I DIDN'T USED TO BELIEVE THAT

TILL I SAW SIEGFRIED AND ROY.

YOU GOT A GAY LION TAMER

WHO HOOKED UPWITH ANOTHER GAY LION TAMER.

WHAT ARE THE ODDS OF THATHAPPENING, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

TALK ABOUT HOLDING OUTFOR MR. RIGHT.

MY WIFE AND I,WE'RE VERY, VERY DIFFERENT.

WE LOVE EACH OTHER,

BUT WE FIGHT CONSTANTLYBECAUSE WE'RE VERY DIFFERENT.

I'M A SLOB;SHE'S A BITCH,

SO THE COMBINATION IS BAD.

WE FIGHT CONSTANTLY.

WE GET IN SO MANY FIGHTSABOUT ME BEING A SLOB,

IT'S GETTING TO THE POINTTHAT WHEN I MASTURBATE,

I FANTASIZE ABOUT HAVINGMY OWN APARTMENT.

I USED TO THINKABOUT CINDY CRAWFORD.

NOW I THINK ABOUT LEAVING DISHESIN THE SINK OVERNIGHT

WITHOUT A WAR BREAKING OUT,

LIKE, "I'M GOING TO LEAVETHE TOILET SEAT UP ALL NIGHT."

WE USED TO GET IN FIGHTSBECAUSE I WAS AN IDIOT.

I CAME HOME DRUNK ONE TIMEON MY MOTORCYCLE.

I HAD TO PRETENDI WASN'T DRUNK.

THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE, BECAUSEWE HAD ONE OF THOSE LOFT BEDS.

I HAD TO CLIMB UP IN THISLOFT BED AND PRETEND I'M SOBER.

SHE COULD SEERIGHT THROUGH IT

BECAUSE I'M TALKING TOO LOUDAND I'M SLURRING,

STILL WEARING MY HELMET,

LAYING IN BED BUCK-ASS NAKED

WITH A BIG FULL-FACE HELMETON MY HEAD.

"I AIN'T DRUNK, HONEY.

I THOUGHT WE COULD PLAYALIEN SPACE FANTASY GUY."

THE LONGERYOU'RE IN A RELATIONSHIP,

IT'S JUST HARDTO SUSTAIN THAT ENERGY, RIGHT?

LOOK AT TITANIC.

EVERYONE THOUGHT THAT WASTHE MOST ROMANTIC MOVIE.

IT WASABOUT TWO TEENAGERS

THAT KNEW EACH OTHERFOR TWO DAYS.

THEY SHOULD'VE DONE IT

ABOUT A COUPLE THAT HAD BEENTOGETHER FOR A FEW YEARS.

LET'S SEE HOW ROMANTICTHEY WOULD'VE STAYED.

"GET IN THE [bleep]DAMN BOAT, ROSE."

"I DON'T WANT TO."

"GET IN THE BOAT.

"I'M FREEZING MY ASS OFFOUT HERE.

"I WANTED TO GO TO JAMAICA,BUT NO.

"I DON'T WANT TO GO TO JAMAICA.

I WANT TO TAKE A CRUISE IN THE MIDDLE OF WINTER."

"YOU NEVER DRAW ME NAKED ANYMORE."

VALENTINE'S DAYJUST USED TO BE

FOR YOUR GIRLFRIENDOR YOUR WIFE.

NOW EVERYONE'S LIKE,"OH, HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY."

I GOT A VALENTINE'S DAY CARDFROM MY GRANDMOTHER.

HOW RIDICULOUS IS THAT?WE STOPPED HAVING SEX YEARS AGO.

SHE'S STILL MAILING ME CARDS.

SO WE'RE HAVINGONE OF THOSE BABIES SOON,

WHICH, THAT'S A LOT--

I'M REALLY EXCITED ABOUT IT,

BECAUSE IT'S PROBABLY MY FIRSTKID, AND I'M REALLY THRILLED.

BUT IT'S A LOT OF PRESSURE,YOU KNOW.

YOU GOT TO FEED THEMALMOST EVERY DAY,

AND YOU GOT TO DOALL KIND OF STUFF,

AND I'M, LIKE, IRRESPONSIBLE.

MY WIFE WENT AWAY ONCEFOR A WEEK.

SHE CAME HOME,AND ALL THE PLANTS WERE DRIED UP

BECAUSE I FORGOT TO WATER THEM.

AND I THOUGHT,"MAN, IF THAT WAS A KID,

THAT WOULD'VE DEFINITELY BEENA FIGHT," KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

NO QUESTION ABOUT IT.

IT'S A LOT OF RESPONSIBILITY.

PLUS MY WIFE NOW IS ALL CRAZED'CAUSE SHE'S ALL HORMONAL.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE EVER BEENAROUND A PREGNANT WOMAN BEFORE,

BUT OH, MY GOD.

THEY MAKE NONPREGNANT WOMENSEEM REASONABLE.

PUT IT THAT WAY.

THE OTHER DAY,SHE WAS ALL UPSET.

I ALWAYS SAY THE WRONG THING.

SHE WAS CRYING, "YOU'RE NOTGONNA FIND ME ATTRACTIVE

WHEN I GET REALLY BLOATEDAND HUGE AND PREGNANT."

I WANTED TO MAKE HER FEELBETTER, SO I'M LIKE,

"HONEY, THAT'S RIDICULOUS.

"I'LL ALWAYS FIND YOUATTRACTIVE; I LOVE YOU.

"BESIDES, IT'S NOT LIKE

I HAVEN'T NAILEDA FAT GIRL BEFORE."

I MEAN, THIS IS AMERICA,AND I'M A HEAVY DRINKER.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

AND IT DIDN'T REALLY CHEER HERUP THE WAY I'D HOPED IT WOULD.

RAISING THIS KIDIS GONNA BE CREEPY.

MY FATHER STILL CONTROLS MY LIFETO THIS DAY, YOU KNOW.

I'VE BEEN RIDINGA MOTORCYCLE FOR YEARS,

AND MY FATHER DOESN'T KNOW ABOUTIT BECAUSE I'M NOT ALLOWED.

AT CHRISTMAS,I'M OPENING MY GIFTS.

SOMEBODY GOT METHESE LEATHER CHAPS

THAT YOU WEAR ON THE MOTORCYCLEIN THE WINTERTIME.

AND I OPEN THEM UPIN FRONT OF MY FATHER.

GREAT, NOW I'VE GOT TO PRETENDTO BE GAY

FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE--

START WORKING OUTAND EVERYTHING, YOU KNOW.

"NO, THEY'RE NOTFOR A MOTORCYCLE, DAD.

THEY'RE FOR HAVING SEX WITH GUYSIN LEATHER BARS."

"OKAY, OKAY; YOU HAD ME WORRIEDFOR A MINUTE."

IT'S NOT AN INNOCENT TIME.

THERE'S TOO MUCH INFORMATIONAVAILABLE TO PEOPLE NOW.

IT'S TOO INTENSE.

YOU TRY TO WATCH TELEVISION NOW.

HALF THE COMMERCIALSARE FOR PRESCRIPTION MEDICINES.

THAT'S HORRIFYING.

YOU WATCH TV FOR FIVE MINUTES,

YOU THINK YOU GOTFOUR FATAL DISEASES.

LIKE, "DO YOU EVER WAKE UP TIREDIN THE MORNINGS?"

OHH.

THEY HAVE COMMERCIALSFOR PRESCRIPTION MEDICINES

THAT TREAT VENEREAL DISEASES.

IMAGINE THAT; YOU'RE SITTINGTHERE WITH YOUR KID.

YOU HAVEN'T EVEN EXPLAINEDSEX YET,

AND NOW YOU HAVE TO JUMP RIGHTTO THE GENITAL HERPES.

"WHAT'S THAT, DADDY"

"WELL, JUNIOR, ONE DAYYOU'LL BE AT A PARTY,

"AND THERE'LL BE SOME SKANKYWHORE HANGING ALL OVER YOU.

"YOU KNOW IT'S A BAD IDEA,BUT YOU DO IT ANYWAY.

"THEN WHEN YOU GO WEE-WEE,

"IT FEELS LIKE THERE'S FIRESHOOTING OUT OF YOU.

"THEN YOU TAKESOME OF THAT STUFF, SWEETHEART.

"THAT'S WHAT THAT IS.THAT'S ABOUT SUPPRESSION.

"SIDE EFFECTS MAY INCLUDEANAL HEMORRHAGE, A BRAIN TUMOR.

SLEEP TIGHT, JUNIOR."

I'LL TELL YOU, THIS VIAGRA THINGHAS ME A LITTLE BIT CONFUSED.

I CAN'T WAITTILL I STOP HAVING ERECTIONS.

FINALLY SOME PEACE AND QUIET.

I ALWAYS THOUGHT THAT WAS ONE OFTHE BENEFITS OF GETTING OLD:

YOU DIDN'T WANTTO HAVE SEX ANYMORE

SO YOU COULD FINALLYBE YOURSELF.

YOU EVER TALK TO AN OLD GUY?

THEY'RE THE ONLY REALLY HONESTPEOPLE LEFT ON THE PLANET.

THEY'LL SAY WHATEVER THE HELLTHEY'RE THINKING:

"I JUST TOOK A DUMPIN MY PANTS."

THEY DON'T CARE.

WE LIVE OUR LIVESTORTURED BY OUR SEX DRIVE.

IT'S A NIGHTMARE.

WE'RE BASICALLY PIGS,WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT.

LOOK AT ALL THE PORNOGRAPHYTHAT'S AIMED AT MEN.

IT'S AIMED AT MEN,LIKE WE DON'T LIKE IT,

THEY'RE JUST SHOVING ITDOWN OUR THROATS.

WHO CONSUMESALL THIS PORNOGRAPHY,

THESE STRIP CLUBS?

IT'S ALL MEN.

WOMEN DON'T GETINTO THAT STUFF REALLY.

WOMEN DON'T GO TO STRIP CLUBS.

ONCE IN A WHILE, THEY MIGHT GOTO CHIPPENDALES OR SOMETHING,

BUT THE GUYSARE REALLY GOOD-LOOKING,

AND THEY GO AND THEY GIGGLE;YOU KNOW, IT'S FUN.

THERE'S NO RATTY-ASS, DISGUSTINGSTRIP CLUB FOR WOMEN TO GO TO

LIKE WE HAVE, YOU KNOW.

NO RATTY PLACE WITH BIG FAT GUYSWITH HAIRY BACKS AND ONE BALL

DANCING ON THE BAR.

WE'LL GO TO THE WORST,MOST NIGHTMARISH--

I'VE BEEN IN STRIP CLUBSTHAT ARE HORRIBLE.

GUYS GO ALL THE TIME.

THERE'S GIRLS WITH BURN MARKSAND SCARS AND PENISES

AND UMBILICAL CORDS.

THEY GOT, LIKE, ONE FAKE BREAST

'CAUSE THEY'RE SAVING UPTO BUY THE OTHER ONE, YOU KNOW.

THEY CAN'T EVEN DANCE.

THEY JUST MARCH ANGRILY

BACK AND FORTH ACROSS THE STAGE.

YOU'RE GIVING THEM MONEYTO PUT THINGS BACK ON AGAIN.

BUT FOR SOME REASON,WE LOVE IT.

EVERY TIME I'M THERE,

ONE OF MY FRIENDS THINKS ONE OFTHE GIRLS IS IN LOVE WITH HIM.

IT'S LIKE, "THIS GIRL'SIN LOVE WITH ME, MAN."

"ARE YOU CRAZY?"

"NO, SHE KEEPS COMING OVERAND DANCING FOR ME.

SHE KEEPS DANCING FOR ME."

"THAT'S HER JOB.

IT'S NOT LIKE IT HAPPENEDIN THE SUPERMARKET."

OH, YEAH, IF YOU WERE IN LINEAT THE SUPERMARKET,

AND SOME GIRL'S LIKE,

"OH, HI, HOW'S IT GOING?HOW ARE YOU?"

"HEY, PAPER OR PLASTIC?

WHAT DO YOU NORMALLY GETIN THIS SITUATION?"

THEN YOU THINKYOU GOT A SHOT, YOU KNOW?

HEY, YOU'VE BEENA FANTASTIC CROWD.

Loading...