Comedy Central Presents
Season 14

CC Presents: Pete Holmes

  • Season 14, Ep 4
  • 01/11/2010

Pete Holmes takes a closer look at Facebook, YouTube commentators and girlfriend speed.

I'M A DUMMY.

SEE THAT?THAT'S MY DUMMY FACE.

LIKE...

ANYBODY?

I'LL GIVE YOU AN EXAMPLE.

EVERY TIME I'M IN A BOOKSTOREOR A LIBRARY

AND I SEE THE PHRASE"NONFICTION,"

I HAVE TO FIGURE IT OUT...

[ LAUGHTER ]

...IN MY HEAD.

LET'S BE CLEAR. I'M 30.

I WENT TO COLLEGE.I FINISHED.

I SEE "NONFICTION," I FREEZE.

LIKE, "NONFICTION?"

"FICTION...NOT TRUE."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"NONFICT--

NOT NON-TR--"

[ LAUGHTER ]

"DOUBLE NOT, TRUTH NOT --NOT OPEN PARENTHESES NOT TRUE.

SCREW IT.I'M READING HUSTLER."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"THAT'S BOTH AT THE SAME TIME --TRUE AND FALSE."

AFTER THE 18 HOURSOF FACEBOOKERY THIS AFTERNOON.

[ LAUGHTER ]

YEP.JUST THE 18 HOURS FOR ME TODAY.

I HAVE NO MEMORY OF WHATI WAS DOING BEFORE FACEBOOK.

WHAT WAS --

SOMETHING WAS THERE.

I WAS DOING -- WHAT WAS IT?TILLING WHEAT?

WHAT WAS I DOING?

NOW IT'S JUST FACEBOOK.

AND I LIKE IT,BUT I HAVE A THEORY ABOUT IT

THAT YOU CAN USEIN YOUR OWN CONVERSATIONS

IF THERE'S EVER A LULL.

I THINK THE GOVERNMENTMADE FACEBOOK

IN AN ATTEMPT TO MAKE PRIVACYUNCOOL.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THINK ABOUT THAT.I THINK THAT'S TRUE.

'CAUSE THEY DON'T HAVE TOTAP OUR PHONES OR SURVEY US

WHEN WE JUST YIELD TO THEMEVERYTHING...

JUST ON OUR OWN FREE WILL.

JUST LIKE, "HOME ADDRESS?IT'S A LITTLE WEIRD. OKAY."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"PHONE NUMBER? CALL ME.

PHOTOS?PHOTOS OF EVERYONE I KNOW?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

"HERE.LET ME TAG THOSE FOR YOU."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"THAT'S ADAM.HE DEALS WEED."

[ LAUGHTER ]

'CAUSE I WAS INTOO GOOD OF A MOOD.

[ LAUGHTER ]

WHENEVER I'M FEELING GOOD ANDRIGHT ABOUT THE YOUTH OF TODAY,

JUST READSOME FREAKING YouTube COMMENTS.

KNOCK THAT DOWN A NOTCH.

THE MOST RACIST, VILE, MEAN,DISGUSTING GARBAGE.

IT'S ALWAYS ON SOME, LIKE,HARMLESS JUGGLING VIDEO.

[ LAUGHTER ]

LIKE, "LOCAL CLOWN JUGGLESTHREE BALLS."

"DIE, YOU PUERTO RICANPIECE OF CRAP!"

WHOA! WHOA!

HOW CAN YOU TELLHE'S PUERTO RICAN?

HE'S WEARING FACE MAKEUP.

AND I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU,BUT I'M AN INTERNET SLEUTH.

I LIKE TO CLICK ON THE NAME ANDSEE WHO'S LEAVING THE COMMENT.

AND IT'S NEVERWHO YOU THINK IT IS.

IT'S NEVER SOME TOOTHLESS YOKELIN A SHACK.

HE DOESN'T HAVE Wi-Fi.

IT'S ALWAYSSOME 14-YEAR-OLD GIRL

WITH A HELLO KITTYBEHIND HER PICTURE,

JUST LIKE, "HEY, I'M TRIXIE!I LIVE IN SAN FRAN!

WHAT UP?!"

WHY?!

WHY ARE YOU BOILINGWITH BUBBLING HATE, TRIXIE?

THAT'S HER DAY.SHE'S 14.

SHE'S LIKE, "MOM, MOM, MOM!TUNA SMELTS FOR LUNCH, MOM!

"TUNA SMELTS!

JEWS..."

WHY?

[ LAUGHTER ]

YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE A VOICETHAT REACHES MILLIONS OF PEOPLE

WHEN YOU'RETHAT YOUNG AND STUPID,

BECAUSE THERE'S A RECORDOF THAT.

THINK ABOUT IT.

HOW IS ANYONE EVER GONNA RUNFOR PRESIDENT?

[ LAUGHTER ]

50 YEARS LATER,IT'S JUST GONNA BE A TRIAL,

LIKE, "SENATOR O'NEAL[CLEARS THROAT]

WHO IS ONEALLY19?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

"I DON'T RECALL."

"YOU DON'T RECALL?

YOU DON'T RECALL WATCHINGA KOREAN FREESTYLE RAP VIDEO?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

"LEAVING THE COMMENT, 'LMAO,THESE BORIENTALS SUCK ASS'?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

"YOU DON'T RECALL SPELLING 'ASS'WITH 13 Z's, SIR?

GET THE HELL OUT OF MY OFFICE."

[ LAUGHTER ]

I LOVE MY GIRLFRIEND,BUT SHE SLOWS ME DOWN.

CAN WE TALK ABOUT THAT?

IT'S JUST TRUE.I'M NOT MAKING FUN.

IT'S JUST TRUE.SHE'S ADORABLE.

SHE'S JUST, EH, MORE LEISURED.

LADIES ARE MORE LEISURED.

I'M A MAN.

I'M A COLD, GRAYCOMPUTER PERSON.

I DON'T EVEN HAVE TO BEIN A RUSH TO BE IN A RUSH.

I'M LIKE, "GET OUT OF MY WAY!

GOT TO GET TO TASTI D-LITE,DAMN IT."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"CALM DOWN, MAN."

BUT WOMEN MOVE DIFFERENTLY.I'LL TELL YOU -- THIS IS IT.

THE MAIN DIFFERENCE FOR ME

BETWEEN BEING SINGLEAND BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP

IS MISSING THE TRAIN.

[ LAUGHTER ]

YES.CAN WE TALK ABOUT THIS?

WHEN I'M SINGLE,I DON'T MISS IT.

I MAKE IT.DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

I HEAR IT THROUGH THE GRATEAND ASSESS ITS DIRECTION

LIKE A HERD OF BUFFALOTHAT I'M STALKING,

TEAR OPEN MY SHIRTLIKE A CAVEMAN, HIT THE STAIRS.

I'M AMAZING ON THE STAIRS.

TWO AT A TIME ON THE STAIRS.

I'M IN A RUSH, I DON'T EVEN LOOKLIKE I'M IN A RUSH.

HERE TO HERE, I'M COOL.

DOWN HERE,I'M DOING AN IRISH CAPER.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

HERE TO HERE, I'M OBAMA.

DOWN HERE, I'M LUIGI JUMPING.

DO YOU GET IT?

MY METRO CARD --IT'S RIGHT HERE!

DO YOU WANT TO SEE IT?!I CAN GET IT!

TWO SECONDS, SWIPE,DOWN THE STAIRS,

WITH TIME BEFORE THE DOORS CLOSE

TO GET MY HAT ON THE PLATFORMLIKE INDIANA JONES,

PUT IT ON, LIGHT A CIGARETTE,KISS A WOMAN I DON'T KNOW.

I MAKE IT.

HOLD ON.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

NOW --

NOW I HAVE THIS GIRLFRIEND.

SHE'S LOVELY,WITH HER CUTE, LITTLE LEGS

AND HER TINY, LITTLE BOOTS.

WHEN I HAVE TO GET HERON THE TRAIN,

I HAVE TO LEAD HERATOP THE STAIRS.

I'M LIKE, "COME ON!IT'S TIME FOR THE TRAIN!"

SHE'S LIKE,"WHOO, THE WORLD IS MAGIC!"

THIS ISN'T MY DAUGHTER.DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

THIS IS ANOTHERCAPABLE ADULT HUMAN.

I SHOULD BE ABLE TO BE LIKE,"GO, HUMAN,

LIKE I'M ASSUMING YOU DO WHENI'M NOT HERE TO SHEPHERD YOU."

I SWIPE THROUGH,SHE'S JUST STARTING THE PROCESS.

SHE'S OPENING A BAGTO GET ANOTHER BAG.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

IT'S A BAG WITHIN A BAG,

LIKE A RUSSIAN-DOLL SYSTEMOF BAGGERY.

GETTING DISTRACTEDBY THE SEA OF RECEIPTS,

LIKE, "OOH!WHEN WAS I AT JAMBA JUICE?"

TRAINS ARE LEAVING.I'M LIKE, "93! LET'S GO!"

SHE'S STARTING WITH THE SWIPES,LIKE -- SWING!

"INSUFFICIENT FARE.

HOLD ON TO THAT ONE."

[ LAUGHTER ]

SWING! "INSUFFI-- KEEPER."

WHY?!WHY DO YOU HAVE THESE?!

WHY DO YOU HAVE A GRAVEYARDOF METRO CARDS

IN YOUR BAG-WITHIN-A-BAG SYSTEMOF BAGGERY?

ARE YOU SCRAPBOOKING?

JUST LATER AT HOMEWITH A BIG, EMPTY, WHITE BOOK,

LIKE, "CRAZY SUMMER!

"WE MISSED SO MANY TRAINS.

WHOO!"

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

I DON'T HAVE ANY KIDS, BUT I'MKIND OF ALREADY LIKE A FUN DAD.

ARE YOU'RE GETTING THAT VIBE,

JUST THAT DORKY DADAT THE BARBECUE?

IT'S LIKE [HUMMING]

"FRESCA." THAT GUY?

[ LAUGHTER ]

IF WE GO TO A SHOPPING MALL,

I'M GONNA PLAYFULLY ASKA MANNEQUIN FOR DIRECTIONS.

FUN DAD.

I CAN'T MAKE IT ANY MORE CLEAR.

I HAVE A DORKY SENSE OF HUMOR.

FUN DAD KIND OF HUMOR.

I WAS CHECKING INTO A HOTELWITH LIKE-AGED GUYS.

WE WERE ALL IN OUR 20sAT THE TIME.

GUY BEHIND THE COUNTERAT THE HOTEL GOES,

"OKAY, ONE OF THE ROOMS WE HAVEIS A NONSMOKING QUEEN."

[ LAUGHTER ]

MOST PEOPLE SAY NOTHING.

FUN DAD GOES[Effeminate voice] "THAT'S ME!

"CIGARETTES -- GROSS!

HA, HA, HA, HA, HA!"

[ Normal voice ] WHAT?!WHO MAKES THAT JOKE?

NOT A 30-YEAR-OLD GUYLIVING IN THE BIG APPLE.

I CALL IT THE "BIG APPLE."THAT'S PART OF THE PROBLEM.

IT'S NOT AN ACT, FOLKS.NOT AN ACT.

I EMBRACE IT, THOUGH.I DON'T GIVE A [BLEEP]

ON A KID'S BIRTHDAY,

INSTEAD OF GIVING HIM $20IN A BIRTHDAY CARD,

I'LL SHAKE HIS HAND,PUT THE $20 IN IT.

MAGIC FUN DAD.

[ LAUGHTER ]

ON A FISHING TRIP,I'LL LET A KID TRY BEER.

NOT EVEN MY KID, JUST LIKE,"I'D RATHER YOU DO IT WITH ME."

FUN DAD.

YOU GOT TO BE CAREFUL, THOUGH.

THERE'S A THIN LINE BETWEENFUN DAD AND CREEPY UNCLE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I'M NOT A MANLY GUY, EITHER.

I DON'T KNOWIF YOU CAN TELL THAT.

I'M NOT.I'M NOT A MANLY GUY.

I'M NOT ONE OF THOSE GUYS THAT'SLIKE [Deep voice] "OH, YEAH.

LET'S GO EAT SOME HAMON THE BONE."

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ Normal voice ]FURTHER ILLUSTRATED BY THE FACTTHAT THAT'S MY EXAMPLE...

[ LAUGHTER ]

...OF WHAT MEN ARE DOING --

EATING HAM ON THE BONE.

LIKE THEY'RE LOOKING AT ME LIKE,

"THAT GUY PROBABLYTAKES IT OFF THE BONE."

BUT I'M NOT MANLY.

PART OF THE PROBLEM -- I REALLYLIKE TO STAND LIKE THIS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

YOU CAN LAUGH IF YOU WANT TO,

BUT EVERYBODY IN THIS ROOM KNOWS

THIS IS THE MOST COMFORTABLE WAYTO STAND.

BUT MEN AREN'T SUPPOSED TO STANDTHIS WAY,

WHICH IS [BLEEP]

LOOK AT MY BODY.

LOOK AT THIS FLESH SHELFTHE LORD HAS BLESSED ME WITH.

I WILL USE IT.

I WANT TO STANDLIKE A PREGNANT WOMAN,

STIRRING CHICKEN SOUPFOR A NEEDY CHILD.

THIS WAY."YOU WILL MEND, BOY," LIKE THIS.

NOT THE MANLY WAY,LIKE A SUPERHERO.

[ IMITATES FANFARE ]

[ Deep voice ] "WHAT A HARD DAYOF HAM AND BONE."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"I'M GONNA RELAX NOW."

[ Normal voice ]NOTHING IS THERE.

WHAT IS THERE?OH, I'M RELA-- NOTHING IS THERE.

I EVEN LOOK GAY WHEN I DO THAT.IT'S LIKE JAZZ HANDS.

[ Effeminate voice ]NOTHING IS THERE.

NOTHING!

[ Normal voice ] I DON'T WANTTHE "LET'S CHOP FIREWOOD" WAY.

I WANT THE "LET'S BAKE A CAKE"WAY.

AND CLOSE-MINDED PEOPLE SAYTHAT MAKES ME LOOK GAY.

I'M NOT.

I LIKE SEX WITH WOMENAND STANDING LIKE THIS...

[ LAUGHTER ]

...EQUALLY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

ANOTHER PART OF THE PROBLEM --CAN'T GROW A BEARD.

I HAVEN'T SHAVEDIN LIKE THREE WEEKS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

IT'S NOT COMING.

MY BROTHER GOT ALL THE HAIRIN THE FAMILY IN THAT WAY.

MY BROTHER WALKS THROUGHTHE WOODS WITH HIS SHIRT OFF.

PEOPLE TAKE BLURRY PHOTOGRAPHS.YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

"THE MYTH IS TRUE."

I DON'T EVEN WANT A BEARD.I JUST WANT THE CHOICE.

I WANT TO SHAVE IT OFFIN THE MORNING.

'CAUSE WHAT HAPPENSIF I'M IN, LIKE, A PLANE CRASH

AND I HAVE TO LIVE ON A DESERTEDISLAND FOR LIKE SIX YEARS?

THAT'S AN AWESOME MOMENTFOR MY BROTHER.

WHEN THE RESCUE CHOPPER COMES,

HE'S COMING OUT OF THE BUSHESWITH HIS, LIKE, LOINCLOTH.

HUGE FREAKIN' BEARD.

CRAB MEAT AND COCONUT MILKALL IN IT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

A FALCON LANDS ON YOU.HE'S NOT AFRAID OF YOU.

"HELLO, FALCOR."

HE NAMED IT FALCOR.THAT'S AMAZING.

IT'S A GREAT MAN MOMENT.

NOT FOR ME.I'LL BE THERE SIX YEARS.

RESCUE CHOPPER COMES,

I COME OUT OF THE BUSHES --BABY-FACE, LOINCLOTH.

I LOOK LIKE A GUYWHO'S BEEN THERE 15 MINUTES.

COULDN'T WAITTO WEAR A LOINCLOTH.

IT'S LIKE[Effeminate voice] "FREEDOM!

"RESCUE ME!

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!"

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

"I MADE MARGARITAS!

DOUBLE IT UP!"

I DON'T TRUST ADULTSWHO EAT CANDY.

IT'S ONE OF MY FAVORITE THINGSTO TALK ABOUT.

I WAS RECENTLY ON A FLIGHTHERE IN NEW YORK.

WE LAND AT LaGUARDIA.

THIS WOMAN HAD TO BE 65IN MY ROW.

TO CELEBRATE LANDING, TOOK OUTA THING OF WILD BERRY SKITTLES.

AND SHE'S LIKE, "OH, YEAH."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"MAMA DID GOOD TODAY," YOU KNOW?

IT IMMEDIATELY POPS UPON MY RADAR. IT DOESN'T MIX!

BEING A GROWN-ASS PERSONAND EATING SILLY CANDIES --

THOSE THINGS ARE AT ODDSWITH EACH OTHER.

MY FATHER HAS GROWN-ASS FRIENDS,55-, 60-YEAR-OLD GUYS.

THEY'RE ALWAYS TALKING TO MELIKE, "HEY, PETE.

"PETE, YOU EVER THINK ABOUTREAL ESTATE, MAN?

"THAT'S HOW I MADE MY FORTUNEWHEN I WAS YOUR AGE.

"YEAH. NOW IS THE TIMETO INVEST, TOO.

"PRIME IS LOW.

THINK ABOUT IT."

ATOMIC FIREBALL.WHAT?

[ LAUGHTER ]

STOP THAT!YOU'RE A GROWN MAN!

I'M GONNA CHASE YOUWITH A BROOM.

OR WEARING A CANDY NECKLACE,LIKE, "17 IS A HARD AGE.

"YOU GOT TO GIVE THEMDISCIPLINE.

"IF YOU THINKYOU'RE BEING HARD ON THEM,

YOU'RE GIVING THEMWHAT THEY NEED."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"LOOK AT MY JEANIE.SHE WASN'T ALWAYS THAT WAY."

OPENING A THING OF FUN DIP,LIKE, "MARRIAGE IS HARD, MAN."

"IT'S HARD.

"IT'S NOT 50/50.IT'S 100/100.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

"YOU GOT TO RECOMMITTO THAT PERSON EVERY DAY.

"SHE'S MY FRIEND,BUT SHE'S ALSO MY LOVER.

"YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

"RAISES THE KIDS,

"BUT KEEP THAT STUFFOUT OF THE BEDROOM.

ANGELS AND WHORES, MAN."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"YEAH, I'VE BEEN TEMPTED."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"MOSTLY EMOTIONAL STUFF.NOTHING PHYSICAL.

"THERE WAS A WOMAN AT WORK --CATHERINE.

SHE JUST CONNECTED WITH ME INA WAY THAT MEREDITH NEVER DID."

"WE'D GO TO LUNCH.

"WE'D WRITE IT OFFAND SAY IT WAS FOR BUSINESS,

BUT...SHE SAW A HOLE IN ME."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"IT WAS RIGHT AFTERTHE MISCARRIAGE. I..."

RING POP.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THE JOKE IS DOING ITAS LONG AS I CAN.

SHOULD STOP DOING.

ONE OF THEM IS THIS JOKE.

"REALLY?"THAT'S GOT TO STOP.

"REALLY?"

IT'S KIND OF ALL I SAY OFFSTAGE.

"REALLY? REALLY?

"COLD SOUP? REALLY?

REALLY, GAZPACHO? REALLY?"

IT'S ALL I HAVE.

I WAS ALMOST HIT BY A CAR.

I ALMOST DIED BY A CAR.

I LOOKED IN THE WINDOW.THE GUY WAS READING.

I THINK AN ADULT MAN WOULDGET ANGRY IN THAT SITUATION.

NOT ME.I JUST GO, "REALLY?

"REALLY?DRIVING WHILST READING?

REALLY?"

[ Slurring ] "REALLY?"

I DON'T EVEN SAY THE FULL WORDSOMETIMES.

[ GRUNTING ]

IT'S AN EGYPTIAN SUN GOD.

[ GRUNTS ]

[ LAUGHTER ]

PEOPLE ARE LAUGHING,DOING BACKFLIPS,

LIGHTING MATTRESSES ON FIRE.

LIKE, "YOU'RE ROBIN WILLIAMS."

[ GRUNTS ] "REALLY?"

WE GOT TO STOP THAT.

THERE'S A LOT OF JOKESI THINK WE SHOULD STOP MAKING,

AND NOW THAT I HAVEYOU ALL HERE, I THINKWE SHOULD TALK ABOUT IT.

FOR EXAMPLE,WHEN YOU'RE IN A STORE

AND YOU'RE TRYINGTO BUY SOMETHING,

YOU GET UP TO THE CASHIER,THEY TRY AND SCAN IT.

WON'T SCAN, SO THEY DON'T KNOWHOW MUCH IT IS, DOESN'T SCAN.

10 TIMES OUT OF 10,

A KNUCKLEHEAD IN THAT SITUATIONWILL GO,

"OH, YEAH?

MUST BE FREE."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"YOU DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH IT IS?

"I'LL WAGER A GUESS.

"FREE?

"IS IT FREE?

GIVE THAT TO ME FOR FREE."

SHUT UP!THAT JOKE IS OVER!

THEY HEAR ITA THOUSAND TIMES A DAY!

IT'S NOT FREE.YOU'RE FREE.

YOU'RE WORTHLESS.BE QUIET.

WHEN I'M WALKING ON THE STREETAND A GROUP OF MY FRIENDS,

WE SEE A LIMOUSINE, ALWAYSONE PERSON IN THE GROUP WILL GO,

"OH, MY RIDE IS HERE!"

BE QUIET.

YOU'RE A DICK.NO ONE LIKES YOU.

I WANT TO HIT YOU IN THE HEADWITH A FROZEN HAM.

AN AMBULANCE IS YOUR RIDE.

YOU RIDE A HUFFY.

THIS IS THE LAST THINGI'LL MENTION.

I'M GLAD TO BE A GROWN PERSON.

ARE YOU GUYS GLAD TO BEAN ADULT?

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

YEAH. LOOK AT US,DOING WHATEVER WE WANT.

I THINK PEOPLE ROMANTICIZEWHAT IT MEANS TO BE A CHILD.

WE'VE FORGOTTEN.

PEOPLE WANT TO BE A KID AGAIN?NO, YOU DON'T.

IT SUCKS TO BE A KID.

I RECENTLY SAWA 40-YEAR-OLD WOMAN

TALKING TO A 10-YEAR-OLD BOY,

JUST GUSHINGAND BEING LIKE, "OH, MY GOD!

"TO BE 10 AGAIN.

"WHOO!BE FAST AND SWIFT.

"SEE COLORAND SMELL THINGS AGAIN.

YEAH."

NO.YOU DON'T WANT TO BE A KID.

BEING A KID SUCKS.

THIS IS THE SOUND OF EVERY10-YEAR-OLD KID I'VE EVER SEEN.

ARE YOU READY?THIS IS THE SOUND.

[ WHINING ]

THAT'S IT.

YOU PROBABLY HAVEN'T HEARDTHAT NOISE IN DECADES

'CAUSE YOU HAVE NO NEED FOR ITAS AN ADULT.

BUT AS A KID, IT'S ALL YOU HAVE.

JUST LIKE [WHINING]

FREAKIN' SNOT-NOSED,LIKE [WHINING]

YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DOWITH YOUR ARMS.

YOU'RE STILL KIND OF NEWWITH ARMS.

LIKE, "IS THIS NATURAL?"[ WHINES ]

MITTENS ATTACHED TO YOUR JACKET'CAUSE YOU'RE STUPID.

"OH, THERE THEY ARE."[ WHINES ]

ACTIVELY TRYINGTO NOT POOP YOUR PANTS,

'CAUSE IT WASN'T THAT LONG AGOTHAT YOU WERE ALLOWED TO.

BUT, HEY, NEW RULE,DON'T DO THAT ANYMORE.

SO YOU'RE WALKING AROUND,ARMS CLENCHING,

"SO MANY BALLS IN THE AIR."

IT SUCKS!YOU HAVE NO POWER.

I SAW A KIDWALKING WITH HIS DAD.

DAD IS WALKING A CAR LENGTHAHEAD OF HIM,

WHICH IS A DICK MOVE.

KID'S BEHIND HIM,

TRYING TO KEEP UP WITH HISPATHETIC LITTLE KID LEGS, GOING,

"DAD [WHINES]

"DAD?

"DADDY?

"DAD?

"I DROPPED MY HAT, DAD.

"WHERE'S MY HAT, DAD?

"I LOST IT.

I DROPPED MY HAT."

DAD DOESN'T GIVE A CRAP.

HE'S NOT EVEN TURNINGTHE FULL WAY AROUND.

HE GOES, "BRADLEY!

YOUR HAT IS GONE, BRADLEY!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

"LEAVE IT, BRADLEY!YOUR HAT IS GONE!"

THE KID CAME BACK TO THE DEBATEWITH "[WHINES]"

"SCREW YOUR HAT.YOUR HAT'S GONE."

SCREW THAT!I'M A GROWN-ASS MAN.

IF I LOSE A HAT,I DON'T GIVE A [BLEEP]

I HAVE MONEY, CASH ON ME NOW.

I LOSE ONE, I GO BUY TWO,THROW ONE IN THE STREET,

WEAR THE OTHERLIKE A VICTORY CROWN.

NOBODY'S TALKING TO ME THAT WAY.

YOU TALK TO ME THAT WAY,I PUNCH YOU IN THE HEART.

DO YOU GET IT?

I SAW A DIFFERENT KID,SAME KIND OF DAD,

FOLLOWING HIS DAD GOING, "DAD?

[WHINES]DAD, I'M HUNGRY."

'CAUSE YOU'RE STUPIDAND YOU CAN'T FEED YOURSELF.

[ WHINES ]

SAME KIND OF DAD, JUST GOES,

"DYLAN, YOU JUST HAD A BANANA!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ WHINES ]

YOU'RE NOT EATING TODAY, DYLAN.

[ WHINES ]

YOU WANT TO BE LIKE, "WHY AREYOU SPEAKING TO ME THIS WAY?"

ALL THAT COMES OUT IS "[WHINES]"

SCREW THAT!I'M A GROWN-ASS MAN.

IF I'M EVEN A LITTLE HUNGRY,I'LL GO TO A FREAKING CARVEL

AND BUY AN ICE-CREAM CAKEJUST FOR A NIBBLE,

SMEAR THE RESTON MY FACE LIKE A GEISHA,

THROW THE REMAINDERAT A HOMELESS PERSON.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

I WRITE MY OWN RULES.

I TAKE DayQuil AT NIGHT!

DO YOU GET IT?

I'LL WEAR A BATHROBE IN PUBLICJUST FOR A MONTH,

JUST FOR THE FREEDOM OF IT,JUST A ROBE.

WHO'S GONNA TELL ME NOT TO?YOU?

I'LL KILL YOU.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I CAN RENT A CAR.THINK ABOUT THAT.

AFTER THIS SHOW, $50,I CAN GO TO AN ENTERPRISE.

THEY'LL GIVE ME KEYS TO A CARTHAT I DON'T OWN.

JUST, "HERE YOU GO, GROWN-UP."

"THANKS, GROWN-UP."

[ LAUGHTER ]

I'LL GET THE INSURANCE, TAKEA DUMP IN THE PASSENGER'S SEAT,

DRIVE INTO THE RIVER,AND SWIM TO THE SHORE.

MEANWHILE, A KID IS LIKE,"CAN I GO TO THE BATHROOM?"

[ WHINES ]

I JUST WENT TO THE BATHROOMIN A RENTED SMART CAR.

IT'S BETTER TO BE A GROWN-UP.YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN A LOT OF FUN!

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