John Caponera & Ed Crasnick

  • Season 1, Ep 0155
  • 02/24/1992

WITH THE LATE LUCILLE BALL-- GODBLESS HER-- AND MICHELE LEE.

I WAS THIRD ON THE COUCH.

I COULD BARELY HEARTHE CONVERSATION.

I WAS CRANING TO HEARTHE DAMN THING, BUT I LOVED IT.

LUCY WAS SITTINGBETWEEN ME AND MICHELE.

MICHELE STARTED TELLING JOHNNY

THIS LONG, DRAWN-OUT,HIDEOUS STORY

LIKE, YOU KNOW,ONLY MICHELE CAN DO.

MICHELE IS A GREAT TALENT

BUT WHEN SHE WEAVES A TALE,YOU WISH SHE'D KNOCK IT OFF.

SO SHE'S GOING ON AND ON.

LUCILLE BENDS FORWARD, SHE GOES,"YOU'RE LOSING THEM, KID."

AND I'LL NEVER FORGET THAT.

THE DRESS, THE NIGHT,THE VIBE, THE ENERGY--

IT REMINDS ME OF THE GREAT,LATE LUCILLE BALL.

OH, YEAH!

( generous applause )

YOU KNOW.

THEY DON'T MAKE THEMLIKE LUCY ANYMORE.

DID YOU COME INWITH THE QUEEN LATIFAH PARTY?

OH, QUEEN LATIFAH!

QUEEN LATIFAH'S TIREDOF DEALING WITH THIS CRAP.

QUEEN LATIFAH'S BURNED OUT,QUEEN LATIFAH'S EXHAUSTED.

SHE'S DYING TO GET OUT.

DID I TELL YOUMY NAME IS QUEEN LATIFAH?

THEY DON'T KNOWQUEEN LATIFAH HERE.

YOU ARE WORKING THAT LOOK.

THAT NATURAL BLONDE HAIRIS TURNING IT OUT.

( laughter )

NO, YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL,WE LOVE YOU.

WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

RHONDA.

I KNEW A RHONDA IN HIGH SCHOOLWHO WAS VERY BITCHY TO ME.

SHE DIDN'T HAVE A RINGIN HER NOSE.

MAYBE THAT WAS THE PROBLEM.

SHE WAS EXTREMELY WASPYAND ADOPTED AND HATED ME.

WHAT CAN YOU DO, YOU KNOW?

SHE WAS JUST POOR, WHITE TRASH

BUT SHE WAS ADOPTEDBY A RICH FAMILY

AND STARTED ADOPTINGTHE WHOLE ATTITUDE

AND I COULDN'T DEAL WITH IT.

THAT WAS ANOTHERLIFETIME AGO, YO.

AND WHAT ABOUT YOU,WEARING BLACK IN THE SUMMER

AND JUST ALL... THE PERFECTLITTLE 90130 BEVERLY HILLS?

THEY COULD HAVE MADE YOU...ANYBODY A STAR.

YOU JUST WERE IN THE WRONG PLACEAT THE RIGHT TIME.

YOU WEREN'T THERE;YOU DIDN'T LINE UP.

ANY CUTE GUY COULD HAVEBEEN A STAR ON THAT SHOW.

LUKE... WHAT IS HIS STORY,LUKE PERRY?

CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?

YOU'RE NOT BUYING ITFOR ONE MINUTE, I KNOW.

LUKE WHO?

TWO YEARS FROM NOW-- WHO?

YOU KNOW HOW ROLLING STONEEVERY TEN YEARS

DOES "WHERE ARE THEY NOW?"

WELL, WHERE WERE THEY THEN?

( laughter and applause )

JESUS!

YOU KNOW, AND NOW THEY'REALL POSING IN THEIR UNDERPANTS.

MARKY MARK, LUKE, THEY'RE ALLIN THESE LITTLE BRIEFS.

IT'S LIKE,"PUT THE PANTS BACK ON.

THE SCHLONG IS NOTIMPRESSING ME, I'M SORRY."

I DON'T LIKE A GUY, YOU KNOW

EITHER, NUMBER ONE, IN THEIRUNDERPANTS AND NOTHING ELSE

OR IN LIKE... I SAW SOME GUYIN SWEAT PANTS-- HE WAS FRENCH--

DIRTY WHITE SWEAT PANTS.

AND HIS SCHWANZ RIGHT THEREBOUNCING UP AGAINST IT.

I DON'T NEED THIS.

IT WAS PROBABLY UNCIRCUMCISED.

IT WAS... TWO INCHESFROM MY FACE.

DIRTY AND BAREFOOT IN MY HOUSEON MY NEW RUG.

I ALMOST FAINTED.

I WAS LIKE LOOKING

"IF HE WALKS ON MY RUG BAREFOOT,I'M GOING TO THROW UP."

HE DID.

WELL, I'LL FIX THAT.

NO, DRINK UP, ENJOY YOURSELF.

THAT'S WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT,RIGHT?

GET DRUNK AND DRIVE HOME

AS FAST AS YOU CAN,LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

NO, YOU GOT TO BECAREFUL DRINKING.

SOME OF THESE DRINKSWILL KNOCK YOU OUT.

I WAS DRINKING THAT"SEX ON THE BEACH" LAST NIGHT.

HAD ABOUT SIX OF THEM.

WOKE UP THIS MORNING WITH SANDIN THE CRACK OF MY ASS.

OH, FOLKS, STOP MEIF YOU HEARD THESE.

"DID HE SAY CRACK OF HIS ASS?

HE'S KILLING ME."

I WENT TO THE BEACH TODAYFOR ABOUT A HALF HOUR.

COULDN'T HOLD MY STOMACH INANY LONGER.

IT'S A BITCH TRYING TO WALKAROUND THE BEACH LIKE THIS.

"YEAH, SNACK BAR, IT'SOVER HERE, BABE, FOLLOW ME."

YOU GET HOME, YOU'RE LIKE

"DAMN, I CAN'T BELIEVEI LASTED THAT LONG."

CAN'T HIDE IT ANYMOREAT THE BEACH, HUH?

THE SWIMWEAR'S SO TINY.

NOT EVERYONE CAN WEARTHESE NEW BATHING SUITS.

DON'T YOU THINK THERE SHOULD BE

A LITTLE WEIGHT RESTRICTIONON THE LABELS

WHEN THEY BUY THESE OUTFITS?

SOME OF THESE PEOPLE,YOU FEEL LIKE GOING

"HEY, TITANIC, COME HERE.

"PUT SOME CLOTHES ON.

"YOU'RE EMBARRASSING YOURSELF.

DID YOU LOOK IN THE MIRRORBEFORE YOU CAME OUT?"

SOME PEOPLE HAVE NO SHAME.

SOMEONE SHOULD PATROL THE BEACHFOR PEOPLE LIKE THIS.

KIND OF LIKE A FAT PATROL.

"HEY, FAT PATROL!

"COME ON, PAL, LET'S GO.

"YOU'RE GROSSING PEOPLE OUT.

"NOT ENOUGH CLOTHES ON,FOLLOW ME, PARTY'S OVER.

"SWIMWEAR'S TOO SMALLFOR THE BODY.

"COME OUT, FAT BOY, MOVE IT.

"ALL RIGHT, SPREAD YOUR THIGHS.

"OH, THEY'RE ALREADY SPREAD?

FORGET ABOUT IT."

EVEN THE MENSWEAR'S TINY.

YOU SEE THE GUYS NOW?

THEY'VE GOT THE LITTLEG-STRING SPEEDO THINGS.

LIKE "COME ON, PAL, CUT IT OUT,WILL YOU?"

THEY LOOK LIKE THEY'RE SMUGGLINGOLIVES IN FROM ANOTHER COUNTRY.

IT'S LIKE, "COME HERE, PUT SOMEGYM SHORTS ON, WILL YOU?

"YOU'RE GOING TO POKE SOMEBODY'SEYE OUT, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD

YOUNG MAN, YOU."

YOU EVER MEET PEOPLE LIKE THAT?

ALWAYS HAVE THIS PUSSON THEIR FACE, "THIS SUCKS.

EVERYTHING SUCKS."

NO MATTER HOW MUCH GOOD FORTUNECOMES THEIR WAY

THEY'RE MISERABLE.

"HEY, YOU WON THE LOTTERY--$40 MILLION, THAT'S GREAT!"

"WELL, THEY'LL TAKEA THIRD IN TAXES.

PROBABLY DIEBEFORE I SEE ANY OF IT."

"WHAT ABOUTTHE MERCEDES YOU WON?"

"I GOT TO GET INSURANCE,THAT'S GOING TO COST ME."

"YOU BEAT CANCER."

"IT'LL COME BACK.

MAYBE LOSE AN ARMOR A LEG NEXT."

I HAD A ROOMMATELIKE THAT ONE TIME--

THE "WHO ARE YOU?" MAN.

HE ALWAYS HAD THESE"WHO ARE YOU?" COMMENTS.

"HEY, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?"

"I'M GOING GOLFING."

"WHO ARE YOU,ARNOLD PALMER TODAY?

HOW YOU GETTING THERE?"

"I'M DRIVING."

"WHAT ARE YOU, MARIO ANDRETTIALL OF A SUDDEN?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING AFTERWARDS?"

"I'M GOING DRINKINGWITH NINE WOMEN."

"WHAT ARE YOU, TED KENNEDY NOW?"

IT WAS LIKE ANYTHINGYOU WANTED TO DO.

I COULDN'T TAKE A BATH.

"WHAT ARE YOU,JACQUES COUSTEAU NOW?

"HUH, MR. BUBBLES?

TAKE A SHOWERLIKE EVERYBODY ELSE."

THEY'RE NOT SO MUCH IDIOTS, THEYJUST DON'T KNOW WHO THEY ARE.

THEY'RE CONFUSED.

THIS MTV'S GOT THEMALL MESSED UP.

I WAS AT THE MALL LAST WEEK,THIS WHITE KID COMES UP TO ME.

"WHAT'S UP?"

"WHAT'S UP, HOMEBOY?"

"POP, POP GOES THE WEASEL,GOES THE WEASEL!"

"WHAT THE HELLARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?"

"JUST CHECKIN' OUTTHE QUIFF FACTS

"COPPIN' SOME HO'.

"CHILLIN' WITH THE TANG.

POPPIN' THAT WEASEL."

BLACK PEOPLE ARE LIKE,"WE DON'T EVEN HAVE A CLUE.

"WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

"BE WHITE, WILL YOU?YOU LOOK STUPID.

YOU'RE MAKING USLOOK STUPID, STUPID."

"POP, POP, POP.

( rapping: )"I'M ANOTHER WHITE BOYTRYING TO BE A BLACK BOY.

"I GOT A TAN TRYINGTO LOOK AS BLACK AS I CAN.

I'M CONFUSED."

"I'VE BEEN ABUSED.

"I DON'T KNOW WHO I AM.

SO I SAY, POP, POP, POP."

"SHUT UP,YOU STUPID SON OF A BITCH.

I SWEAR TO GOD, I'LL KILL YOU."

SOME CRAZY BASTARDS OUT THERE.

FUNNY GUY, BUT WHAT A BIGOT.

THIS GUY HATED EVERYBODY.

WE'D BE DRIVING ALONG.

HE'S LIKE, "COME ON,MOVE THAT PIECE OF TRASH

"YOU NO-GOOD, TACO-BENDING,TAMALE-EATING

"GREEN CARD-CARRYING,GUACAMOLE-DUMPING, CHEVY-DRIVING

"JOBLESS SON OFA WETBACK BASTARD.

I'M LATE FOR CHURCH."

IT'S LIKE, "OH, MAN."

"COME ON, GRAMP.

HE'S JAPANESE."

"WHAT?

"THAT NO-GOOD, SLANTY-EYED,PEARL HARBOR..."

"SHUT UP, YOU STUPID BASTARD."

IGNORANCE IS BLISS, RIGHT?

YOU CAN'T BE PREOCCUPIEDWITH ALL THAT STUFF, MAN.

YOU CAN'T BE PREOCCUPIEDWITH RACISM AND PREJUDICE

BECAUSE WE DON'T LIVE THAT LONG.

YOU GOT TO LIVE DAY TO DAY

BECAUSE YOU NEVER KNOWWHEN YOU'RE GOING TO GO.

YOU CAN GO LIKE THAT.

I GOT ON A PLANE YESTERDAY,I SAID

"SIT ME NEXT TO THE FATTESTSON OF A BITCH ON THIS PLANE"

BECAUSE WHEN THAT EXPLOSION HITSAND THAT HOLE COMES IN THE SIDE

MAYBE HE'LL GET SUCKED INTO ITLONG ENOUGH

FOR ME TO GET OFF THE PLANE.

( applause )

IS THAT SELFISH OF ME?

I DON'T MEAN KILL THE GUY,JUST CLOG THE HOLE FOR A WHILE.

"HELP ME!"

"WILL YOU JUST KEEP IT DOWN, PAL

"AND LET THE CABIN PRESSURELEVEL OFF?

MR. SELFISH!"

"WHO'S GOING TO FEED ME?"

"SHUT UP, YOU WHINER.

"HERE'S SOME PEANUTS.

BOY, YOU GET A LITTLE WIND ONYOUR ASS AND YOU'RE BITCHING."

YOU GOT TO ENJOY LIFE.

YOU NEVER KNOWWHEN YOU'RE GOING TO GO.

A GUY GOT KILLED IN L.A.LAST YEAR.

SOME JERK DROPPED A BOULDEROFF THE FREEWAY OVERPASS

ONTO THE EXPRESSWAY.

IT GOES THROUGHTHE GUY'S WINDSHIELD

KILLS HIM COMING HOMEFROM A FISHING TRIP.

THAT'S HOW FLEETING LIFE CAN BE.

HERE'S A GUY FISHING, RIGHT?

PROBABLY NOT CATCHINGA DAMN THING.

THINKING TO HIMSELF,"I GOT A BETTER CHANCE

"OF GETTING HIT WITH A FRIGGINGBOULDER OUT OF THE SKY TODAY

THAN CATCHINGA GOD-BLESSED FISH."

AND SURE ENOUGH...( imitates car engine )

HE'S HISTORY.

SO LIVE LIFE WHILE YOU CANAND ENJOY YOURSELVES.

BACK ON THE SET OF WILD, WILD WEST, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

WHAT A GRAND PLEASURE.

I'M ORIGINALLYFROM BOSTON, MASSACHUSETTS.

( mild applause )

THANK YOU, UNCLE SAUL.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

MY FAMILY STILL LIVESBACK THERE.

AND I, OF COURSE, NOW MAKEMY HOME 3,000 MILES AWAY

RIGHT HERE IN BEAUTIFUL,SUNNY CALIFORNIA.

COINCIDENCE?

I DON'T THINK SO.

PLANNED MOVE.

I LOVE MY FAMILY,BUT I WANT TO BE HAPPY.

OKAY? OKAY.

I'M 33 YEARS OLD.

I GO HOME TO SEE MY FAMILYABOUT EVERY SIX MONTHS.

33, I SEE MY FAMILY

AND IN AN HOUR, I'M REGRESSINGAT THE SPEED OF LIGHT.

THAT'S ALL IT TAKES IS ONE HOUR.

I'M STANDING IN THE KITCHENIN A ROBE AND SHORTY PAJAMAS

SLEEPING IN A CRIB,SOILING MYSELF

NOXZEMA ALL OVER MY FACE.

THERE'S A FUTURE OBLIGATIONSMOBILE SPINNING AROUND MY HEAD.

A LOT TO SEE AND DO--CALL YOUR AUNT, CALL YOUR UNCLE

SEND A THANK-YOU NOTETO EVERYONE YOU NEVER LOVED.

IT NEVER STOPS!

IT'S LIKE THEY'RE RUNNINGA SELF-ESTEEM LENS CRAFTERS.

"COMPLETE LOSS OF IDENTITYIN ABOUT AN HOUR."

THAT'S THE WAY SHE WORKS.

I GO HOME, EVERYONE'S SITTINGAROUND THE TABLE.

THEY'RE LIKE A HEBREW POSSE.

THEY ATTACK FROM RIGHT TO LEFT.

EVERYONE'S THERE, FOLKS.

YOU LOOK ON THAT TABLE--

A CERAMIC PIG WITH SWEET 'N' LOWCOMING OUT OF ITS ASS.

YOU GO HOME, YOU GO HOME.

THE FIRST WOMAN TO GREET MEAT THE TABLE

IS MY AUNT ETHELWHO COMES FROM FLORIDA.

SO NATURALLY, SHE WEARSTHOSE SLEEVELESS DRESSES

THAT ARE OH, SO ATTRACTIVEON AN OLDER WOMAN.

SHE'S A DREAM.

MY MOM IS THERE, AND I LOVEMY MOM FOR SO MANY REASONS

BUT AS SOON AS I COMEIN THE HOUSE

SHE HAS A NEED TO GIVE METHE TRAGIC HEALTH NEWS

THAT'S HAPPENEDSINCE I'VE BEEN AWAY

WHILE SHE'S FEEDING ME LARGEDELICATESSEN SANDWICHES

THAT WOULD TAKE A CRANE TO LIFT.

HER WHOLE WORLD IS A COMBINATIONOF TWO THINGS.

HER WHOLE WORLD IS A COMBINATIONOF FOOD AND ILLNESS.

THAT'S ALL IT IS.

NOW, HERE'S HOW IT WORKS--

FEEDS ME, GIVES ME THE BAD NEWSON TOP OF IT.

IT'S PSYCHO-SANDWICH.

CAN YOU SEE THAT?

THEN SHE TURNS INTOA GUILT-RIDDEN JAI ALAI PLAYER.

DO YOU SEE WHAT SHE DOES?

HAVEN'T SEEN HER IN SIX MONTHS,FIRST WORDS OUT OF HER MOUTH

ALWAYS ABOUT FOODAND TRAGIC HEALTH NEWS.

"HONEY, SWEETHEART,COME ON IN THE KITCHEN.

"I HAVE VERY LEAN CORNED BEEFFOR YOU.

"ARE YOU ENJOYINGTHAT SANDWICH, HONEY?

"DOES THAT TASTE GOOD?

"GREAT, BECAUSE TODAY YOURAUNT ROSE HAD A MASSIVE STROKE.

"JUST MASSIVE.

"HUGE, LOT OF PAIN.

"AND NOW SHE'S TOTALLY ALONEAND LIVES JUST LIKE A DOG.

"MORE JUICE, HONEY?

"HAVE SOME JUICE, HONEY.

"HAVE SOME DELICIOUSPOTATO SALAD.

"I MADE IT SPECIAL FOR YOU.

"WHY DON'T YOU CHEW ON THATWHILE I TELL YOU ABOUT THIS?

"YOU REMEMBER YOUR FRIENDDEBBIE LEVINE, DON'T YOU?

"SHE'S GOINGTHROUGH A CROSSWALK.

"ALONG COMES A CARLIKE A BAT OUT OF HELL.

"SHE'S A VEGETABLE, HONEY.

"MORE PEAS?

I'VE EVER MET IN MY LIFE.

MY MOM WILL TELL YOU A STORY

ABOUT A TUNA SANDWICHSHE ATE IN 1946

AND MAKE IT SOUND EXCITING.

SHE'S THE CENTER OF ATTENTION.

ALL THE RELATIVESAROUND THE TABLE.

THERE'S A CARBOHYDRATE CONVEYORBELT BLOWING THROUGH TOWN.

A SNACK CRACKER ALLEY CAROUSEL,AND SHE'S THERE.

AND SHE'S GOTEVERYBODY'S ATTENTION.

"WAIT AND I TELL YOU.

"I GOT A STORY FOR YOU.

"DO YOU HAVE ANYWHERE TO GO?

"DO YOU REMEMBER SARAHFROM DOWN THE STREET?

"I GET A CALL FROM HER--

"WANTS ME TO HELP WITH HERDAUGHTER'S BRIDAL SHOWER.

"BETWEEN ME, YOU AND THE WALL,THE DAUGHTER IS NO PRIZE.

"THIS GIRL ISSTRICTLY FROM HUNGER

"IF YOU'LL PARDON MY FRENCH.

"THEY WANT ME TO HELP?

"WHERE WAS SHE 3h WEEKS AGO

"WHEN I WAS TRAPPEDIN THE DAMN HOUSE?

"DID YOU HEAR FROM HER?

"I HEARD FROM HERLIKE YOU HEARD FROM HER.

"YOU KNOW WHAT SHE'LL GETFROM ME?

"YOU EVER HEAR OF'CRAP ON A STICK'?

"THAT'S WHAT SHE'LL GET FROM ME

"BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I GOTFROM HER.

WHAT DO I NEED IT FOR?"

AND THEN ALL THE RELATIVESWILL SAY

"WHAT DOES SHE NEED IT FOR?"

"WHAT DO I NEED IT FOR?"

IT'S LIKE THE CRASNICKOPERA HOUSE.

THEY'RE ALL LOOKING AT MEFOR ANSWERS.

I'M THREE, I'M SITTING INA HIGH CHAIR, AND I'M GOING

"WHAT DOES SHE NEED IT FOR?"

I'M SAYING,"WHAT DOES SHE NEED IT FOR?"

MAYBE SOON, SHE WON'T BENEEDING IT FROM ME.

IT'S AN INCREDIBLE FAMILY.

WHEN I WAS A KID, WE WERE LUCKY.

WE HAD A BEACH HOUSENEAR THE ATLANTIC OCEAN.

AND IT WAS THE GREATESTBECAUSE EVERY MORNING

MY MOM WOULD WAKE US UPWITH THIS BATTLE CRY:

"DAMN YOU, KIDS,IT'S A BEACH DAY, GET UP!"

WHICH IS A NICE WAY TO GREETTHE DAWN IF YOU'RE A YOUNGSTER.

IT TOOK US HALF THE DAYTO GET THERE

AND HALF THE DAY TO GET BACK.

WHY? WE TOOK EVERYTHINGIN THE HOUSE.

WE TOOK TABLES, CHAIRS, LAMPS,THE CERAMIC PIG

THE TWIN TOWERS OF DIETING,BIG BOTTLES OF TAB AND FRESCA

TUNA SANDWICHES FILLED WITH SAND

SEA & SKI, COPPERTONEAND PRELL BY THE GALLON

RIGHT DOWN TO THE ATLANTIC,RIGHT INTO THE WATER.

AND MY MA WOULD COMETO THE WATER'S EDGE

AFTER I'D BEEN IN THREE SECONDS

"COME ON IN,YOU'RE OUT WAY TOO FAR.

"YOU'RE MAKING ME NERVOUS.

"AND IF I'M NERVOUS, EVERYBODY'S NERVOUS, COME ON.

YOU'RE GOING TO BE IN THERAPYYOUR WHOLE LIFE, COME ON."

I'D JUST BE OUT THEREIGNORING HER, YOU KNOW.

AND THEN SHE'D GET REAL ANGRYBECAUSE SHE'D GO TO THE LIP.

"GODDAMN YOU KIDS, GET IN HERE!"

AND WE'D JUST BEOUT THERE WAVING.

INCREDIBLE.

COME BACK TO THE HOUSE,AND IT'S SUCH A WONDERFUL THING.

GREAT MEMORY FOR ME.

I'M SITTING ON THE PORCHREMEMBERING MY FIRST BICYCLE.

MY FATHER BOUGHT ITFOR ME AT SEARS.

IT WAS A FIRE-ENGINE RED HUFFY.

IT HAD A BANANA SEAT,A SISSY BAR 50 FEET TO THE SKY

STREAMERS ON THE HANDLEBARS.

I LOOKED LIKE THE GRAND MARSHAL

IN THE TOURNAMENTOF ROSES PARADE.

HE TAKES ME OUT FORA TEST DRIVE, I'M VERY EXCITED.

ALL THE NEIGHBORS ARE WATCHING

AS EDDIE CRASNICKGOES DOWN "S" STREET

TOWARDS THE ATLANTIC OCEAN WITHTHE SALT AIR HEAVY ON MY BODY.

I'M PEDALING, THENA WONDERFUL THING HAPPENS.

MY DAD LETS GO OF THE BIKE.

I'M SO HAPPY.

I'M GETTING AWAY FROM MY FAMILY.

( laughter and applause )

SUDDENLY, I'M SEIZED WITH WORRY.

"WHAT HAPPENED TO DAD?IS HE OKAY?"

NEXT THING I KNOW,I SLAMMED INTO A TELEPHONE POLE

BROKE MY ARM IN TWO PLACES.

THERE'S A MORAL TO THIS STORY.

WHEN YOU'RE MOVING AHEADIN LIFE

AND YOU'RE STARTINGTO FEEL FREE AND HAPPY

AND YOU'RE GETTING AWAYFROM YOUR FAMILY

JUST KEEP GOING, MAN!

DON'T LOOK BACK.

DO YOU HAVE A MOM WHO WILLEXPLODE OVER LITTLE THINGS?

WON'T LET IT GOFOR THE REST OF YOUR DAMN LIFE.

I'M SITTING IN THE LIVING ROOM--

I DON'T KNOW WHETHER I'M THREEOR 8,500 YEARS OLD--

SHE BURSTS IN AND SAYS,"HEY, TELL ME SOMETHING, ED.

ARE THOSE YOUR SOCKS DOWN THEREON THE LIVING ROOM FLOOR?"

I SAID, "YEAH, MA, THEY ARE."

SHE SAID, "WELL,THAT'S REAL INTERESTING

"BECAUSE THIS USED TO BE A HOME!

"WHERE PEOPLE WERE ABLETO RELAX AND ENJOY THEMSELVES.

"NOW, APPARENTLY, YOU KIDS GOTSOME KIND OF A DAMN, BIG HOTEL

"AND I'M THE MAID IN THE HOTEL.

"AND THE MAID'S GOTA BIG ANNOUNCEMENT

FOR ALL THE HOTEL GUESTS."

"IT'S CHECK-OUT TIME."

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