Extended - Thursday, January 7, 2015 - Uncensored

  • 01/07/2016

Erica Rhodes, Rory Scovel and Doug Benson deliver lines from bad VHS clips, list ways to #LoseAFriendIn3Words and shop for Nicolas Cage in this extended, uncensored episode.

NOW IT'S TIME TO JUMP INTO APOOL OF THE FOUNDING FATHERS'

TEARS FOR PANDERDOME!

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)>> WOW.

>> HARDWICK: WE ARE NOT PARTISANHERE ON PANDERDOME.

ANYONE WHO WANTS TO BE PRESIDENTIS FUCKING INSANE, SO WE'RE

GOING TO MAKE SURE EVERYONE GETSIT EQUALLY.

DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATE HILLARYCLINTON, SEEN HERE I THINK

DOING...

I THINK... I THINK SHE'S DOINGKEGELS HERE.

I'M NOT 100% SURE.

(LAUGHTER)UH, YEAH.

>> LOOKS LIKE A BLOWFISH.

>> HARDWICK: "KEEPING IT TIGHTFOR THE WHITE HOUSE."

(LAUGHTER)ANYWAY, SHE'S DESPERATELY BEEN

TRYING TO STEAL ANY PRESS SHECAN AWAY FROM THE CLOWN ORGY

THAT IS THE REPUBLICANPRESIDENTIAL RACE BY REACHING

OUT TO FRINGE GROUPS.

LIKE, OH, I DON'T KNOW, ALIENTRUTHERS?

SURE. WHY NOT?

ON A RECENT PRESS STOP, SHEACTUALLY PROMISED TO INVESTIGATE

UFOS, SAYING, "I THINK WE MAYHAVE BEEN VISITED ALREADY.

WE DON'T KNOW FOR SURE."

WELL, A WAY TO KIND OF DIP YOURTOE INTO THEIR WORLD WITHOUT

REALLY COMMITTING EITHER WAY.

(LAUGHTER)YOU KNOW THERE'S A BAIT SHOP

MANAGER IN WEST VIRGINIA WHOSEES THIS AND THINKS, "WELL,

SHIT, YOU KNOW, I'M NOT NUTSABOUT NO LADY PRESIDENT, BUT

MAYBE SHE'LL FIGURE OUT WHO'SBEEN PROBING ME AT NIGHT AND

FIND ME A BIG FEETS TO MARRY."

(LAUGHTER)SO, COMEDIANS, WHAT'S SOMETHING

HILLARY COULD SAY ON THECAMPAIGN TRAIL TO REACH OUT TO

OTHER FRINGE GROUPS?

DOUG BENSON.

>> AS MY FIRST ACTION ASPRESIDENT, I WILL OFFICIALLY

DECLARE "PINKERTON" AS THE BESTWEEZER ALBUM.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: "I PROMISED ALL

AMERICANS, ONE IN THE"PINKERTON," TWO IN THE

STINKERTON."

(LAUGHTER)UH, RORY SCOVEL.

>> TO ALL YOU KENNEDYASSASSINATION CONSPIRACY

THEORISTS OUT THERE, I, TOO,THINK THERE WAS A SECOND GUNMAN,

AND HIS NAME IS JOHN F. KENNEDY.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: SO HE'S PART OF THE

CONSPIRACY, TOO.

>> THAT'S... NO ONE'S GONE THEREYET.

>> HARDWICK: NO ONE...

>> IT'S THE QUESTIONS YOU DON'TASK THAT HURT YOU THE MOST.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT, POINT.

ERICA RHODES.

>> I KNOW BARACK OBAMA, I'VEWORKED WITH BARACK OBAMA, BUT I

STILL THINK HE'S PROBABLY ASECRET LIZARD MAN.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, UH-HUH,POINT.

(WITH SOUTHERN ACCENT): "HEY,SHE'S RIGHT.

IT THINK SHE'S RIGHT."

POINTS. POINTS.

(APPLAUSE)ALL RIGHT, UH, HERE'S A PICTURE

OF PRESIDENTIAL HOPELESS-FULLJEB BUSH...

(LAUGHTER)...ALSO DOING KEGELS. UH...

(LAUGHTER)SUCH ENTHUSIASM!

NORMALLY, HIS...

NORMALLY, THE CAMPAIGN SIGN ISJUST "JEB!," BUT HERE IT'S,

"¡JEB!"(LAUGHTER)

>> THAT'S REALLY HOW YOU GET THEHISPANIC VOTE-- THE UPSIDE DOWN

EXCLAMATION POINT.

>> HARDWICK: THAT'S RIGHT.

IT'S LIKE HE'S SPEAKING OURLANGUAGE.

NO, THEY JUST PUT AN EXTRA...

>> BUT THEN YOU DEFINITELY LOSEIT WHEN THEY TAKE THIS

PHOTOGRAPH OF YOU SHITTING INPUBLIC.

(LAUGHTER)I'M RUNNING.

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE)

>> HARDWICK: HUNDRED POINTS TODOUG BENSON JUST FOR THAT.

HE IS A BRUSHFIRE TRAPPED IN ASEXY SWEATER-- THAT'S WHAT

JEB IS!

LOOK AT THAT RIGHT THERE!

(LAUGHTER)ACTUALLY, I THINK... THIS IS A

RECENT CAMPAIGN STOP, AND ITHINK WHAT HE'S ACTUALLY DOING

HERE IS, IF YOU LOOK AT THEBACK, THE BACKGROUND HERE: JEB

CAN F.

ALL RIGHT, SO...

(LAUGHTER)I THINK THIS IS JUST A BALLER

STANCE, LIKE: YEAH, I CAN FUCK,ALL RIGHT?

(LAUGHTER)I CAN FUCK.

(APPLAUSE)BUT... THERE'S A WORD ON THE

OTHER SIDE OF THAT F, SO WHATDOES THE REST OF THE SIGN SAY?

RORY.

>> JEB CAN, FATTIES. CAN YOU?

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE, WHOOPING)>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

DOUG BENSON.

>> JEB CAN FIND SOMETHING ELSETO DO WITH HIS LIFE.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)>> HARDWICK: MAYBE. POINTS.

MOVING ON. SCREAMING BREAD BOWLFILLED WITH VOMIT DONALD TRUMP,

UH...

(LAUGHTER)...HAD SUCH A SUDDEN BOOM IN

POPULARITY IT'S EASY TO FORGETTHAT HE IS A HILARIOUS 69 YEARS

OLD.

HE HAS BEEN SHAMELESSLYPANDERING FOR YEARS.

CASE IN POINT, MASHABLE TURNEDUS ON TO A NEWSWEEK PROFILE FROM

1987, AND IT CONT...

(LAUGHTER)HE LOOKS LIKE... HE LOOKS LIKE A

FUCKIN' MIAMI VICE BAD GUY.

(LAUGHTER)HEY!

I DON'T... WE GOT TO HIDE THECOKE BEFORE CROCKETT AND TUBBS

SHOW UP!

(LAUGHTER)>> HE LOOKS LIKE HE WENT THROUGH

A HUGE "I LOVE DUDLEY MOORE"PHASE.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK (LIKE TRUMP): THAT

MOVIE ARTHUR IS REALLY GOOD.

YOU KNOW, REALLY GOOD MOVIE.

BUT JUST COCAINE ON THE OTHER...

THIS IS ALL COCAINE.

THIS COUCH IS MADE OF COCAINE.

THIS IS A COCAINE VENUS DE MILO.

>> THIS WAS BEFORE HE SOAKED HISTOUPEE IN...

(LAUGHTER)...BEFORE HE SOAKED HIS TOUPEE

IN CHLORINE FOR TWO YEARS.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

IT WAS A LOT DIFFERENT. 1987.

UH, HERE'S A PICTURE OF HIM...

UH, NEXT PICTURE IS, UH...

DURING HIS MORNING POOP. UH...

(LAUGHTER)RIGHT THERE.

YEAH, I SHIT ON IT AND I THROWIT AWAY AND THEN THEY BRING IN A

NEW ONE.

(LAUGHTER)I JUST SHIT THROUGH MY PANTS.

>> JEB ISN'T THE ONLY ONE WHOCAN.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: THERE HE IS...

THERE HE IS IN HIS KITCHENPREPARING THE TRADITIONAL TRUMP

FEAST OF SPAGHETTIOS ANDDEEP-FRIED ENDANGERED SPECIES.

(LAUGHTER)AND THIS IS THE MAN HE HAD

DEPORTED AFTER HE MADE HIMBREAKFAST.

(LAUGHTER)THIS LOOKS TO ME LIKE A COOKING

SHOW WITH THE MOST RACIAL SLURSPER MINUTE SINCE PAULA DEEN.

SO, COMEDIANS, WHAT WOULD THENAME OF DONALD TRUMP'S COOKING

SHOW BE?

DOUG BENSON.

>> THE GALLOPING TOUPEE.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, POINTS.

VERY GOOD.

LET'S GO WITH ERICA RHODES.

>> ANYTHING BUT MEXICAN FOOD.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: POINTS. POINTS.

RORY SCOVEL.

>> MAKE LEFTOVERS GREAT AGAIN.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH. POINTS.

POINTS.

IT IS NOW TIME FOR TONIGHT'SHASHTAG WARS.

(CHEERING)I'M SURE YOU KNOW THIS, BUT IF

YOU DON'T, ASK REDDIT'S ADELIGHTFUL LITTLE CORNER OF THE

INTERNET WHERE YOU CANCONTEMPLATE LIFE'S BIGGEST

QUESTIONS, LIKE THIS ONE FROMJANON14, WHO ASKS...

THIS GOT US THINKING-- I'LL BETYOU COULD ALIENATE THE PEOPLE IN

YOUR LIFE IN THREE WORDS ORLESS, WHICH IS WHY TONIGHT'S

HASHTAG IS LOSEAFRIENDIN3WORDS.

LOSEAFRIENDIN3WORDS.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE: SECRET TOILETCAMERA, OR...

(LAUGHTER)OR FUCK, YEAH, NICKELBACK!

(LAUGHTER)I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ON THE

CLOCK, AND BEGIN.

DOUG BENSON.

>> LOTION IN BASKET.

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE)

>> HARDWICK: THANK YOU. POINTS.

RORY.

>> GUILTY... POOP COLLECTOR.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

ERICA RHODES.

>> VOTE FOR TRUMP.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(LOUD CHEERING, APPLAUSE)RORY.

>> I LOVE LINKEDIN.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

DOUG BENSON.

>> I EAT BAND-AIDS.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

ERICA.

>> DO MY PODCAST?

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

OH, NO, I'VE LOST A LOT OFFRIENDS WITH THAT ONE.

(LAUGHTER)DOUG.

>> (SINGSONGY): TIME FOR MURDER!

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: YOU KNOW...

I'M JUST A BIT OF A MURDER NERD.

POINTS.

RORY.

>> FIERI FAN CLUB.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

ERICA.

>> YOU'RE TOTES, BAE.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

RORY.

>> MY COME STASH.

(LAUGHTER, CHATTER)OH, SHUT UP!

YOU'VE ALL GOT 'EM!

>> HARDWICK: I DON'T KNOW IFTHEY ALL HAVE 'EM.

ERICA RHODES.

>> STAR WARS SUCKS.

>> HARDWICK: NO!

(JEERING, SHOUTING)OH, THAT'S HOW YOU LOSE A

FRIEND.

>> THAT'S HOW YOU LOSE A FRIEND.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH. YEAH.

SHE'S FINE. IT'S FINE.

IT'S FINE.

(WHOOPING, CHEERING, APPLAUSE)>> I SAID "MY COME STASH," NO

ONE EVEN CARED.

SHE SAID "STAR WARS," GUNS COMEOUT.

>> HARDWICK: GUNS.

IT'S TIME TO PLAY VINE-HS.

VINE-HS.

(CHEERING)AS THE OLD SAYING GOES, DOUG

LOVES MOVIES, AND TRUE MOVIELOVERS LIKE DOUG GET BUMMED OUT

WHEN THEY THINK OF ALL THECLASSIC FILMS THAT ARE TRAPPED

ON OBSOLETE VHS TAPES.

UH, THOSE ARE CASSETTES NOTDEEMED WORTHY ENOUGH TO BE

RIPPED ONTO NETFLIX OR PORNHUBAND THEY'RE JUST KIND OF

FLOATING SOME... I'M JUSTTHROWING OUT RANDOM, UH...

BUT THANKS TO VINE ACCOUNTS LIKEGRIMY GHOST! AND IT CAME FROM

THE VCR, WE CAN REVISIT THEWEIRDEST GEMS EVER PUT TO TAPE.

SO I'M GONNA SHOW YOU A BIZARRECLIP FROM AN OLD VHS, AND THEN

FOR 250 POINTS, I WANT YOU TOTELL ME WHAT THE NEXT LINE OF

DIALOGUE IS, ALL RIGHT?

FIRST UP-- THIS TEACHER TANTRUM.

>> YOU'RE STUPID! I HATE YOU!

YOU'RE NEVER GONNA GET OUT OFTHIS CLASS.

NOW, HOW DID THAT FEEL?

>> HARDWICK: ERICA.

>> NOW YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS TOANYONE WHO ASKS ME IF I'M JANE

LYNCH.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

YOU'RE NOT GONNA MAKE THATMISTAKE AGAIN.

RORY SCOVEL.

>> I DON'T KNOW, CHERYL, IT FELTA LOT LIKE YOU WERE TAKING YOUR

AGGRESSION OUT ON YOUR CLASSBECAUSE YOUR HUSBAND'S CHEATING

ON YOU WITH A PIGGLY WIGGLYCASHIER.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

THAT IS SO...

I'M FROM MEMPHIS, WHERE PIGGLYWIGGLY IS FROM.

THAT IS SO SPECIFIC.

>> YEAH.

>> HARDWICK: I AM THRILLED TOGIVE YOU POINTS FOR THAT.

>> ALL MY JOKES COME FROM A REALPLACE.

>> HARDWICK: THAT REAL PLACE ISMEMPHIS, TENNESSEE.

RIGHT ON THE CORNER OF POPLARAND...

>> YEAH!

>> HARDWICK: OH. ALL RIGHT.

CLEARLY, YOU ARE ALSO FROMMEMPHIS.

>> YES, I AM.

>> HARDWICK: OH, GOOD.

HOW IS IT GOING?

(LAUGHTER)STILL THERE?

MEMPHIS STILL THERE?

THE MID-SOUTH, IT'S STILL THERE?

MEMPHIS STILL THERE?

>> CRIME IS UP.

>> HARDWICK: CR... OF COURSECRIME'S UP, IT'S MEMPHIS.

MEM... THEY BUILT A FUCKING...

THERE'S A CONCERT VENUE CALLEDMUD ISLAND THAT IS, UH, BUILT ON

MUD.

>> AND PIG... PIGGLY WIGGLY HASNEVER INSPIRED THIS MUCH ENERGY

BEFORE.

TWO... TWO SHIPS PASSING IN THENIGHT.

>> HARDWICK: HEY.

>> PIGGLY WIGGLY!

>> HARDWICK: WMC CHANNEL 5!

ROCK 103!

ALL RIGHT.

>> JERRY LAWLER!

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT.

YEAH, JERRY LAWLER, ALL RIGHT,GOOD.

OKAY, WE GOT IT.

OVERTON SQUARE!

IT'S JUST SUPER LOCAL REFERENCESTHAT YOU GUYS DON'T KNOW.

>> I'M GONNA GET A TURN SOMEDAY.

>> HARDWICK: SOMEDAY, SOMEDAY.

>> LET'S FORGET ALL ABOUT THECLIP WE WATCHED BEFORE DOUG SAYS

WHAT HE HAS TO SAY ABOUT IT.

>> HARDWICK: SO, UH, DOUG, THISIS A PRIVATE CONVERSATION.

SO...

DID YOU EVER BOWL AT MY DAD'SBOWLING CENTER?

>> MAYBE.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH,HAR-HARDWICK'S ALL STAR LANES.

>> REALLY?

>> HARDWICK: QUIN... YEAH,THAT'S MY DAD.

QUINCE AND WHITE STATION.

RIGHT THERE.

>> THAT'S AWESOME.

>> HARDWICK: OH, MY GOD, I CANSEE YOUR FACE!

ANYWAY, THIS WAS A FUN CATCH-UP,TELL MEMPHIS I SAID HI.

YOU TELL THE CRIME IT KNOWS WHATIT DID.

ALL RIGHT, UH, DOUG.

>> UH...

HOW DOES IT FEEL?

YOU DIDN'T EVEN HIT ME WITH THATTHIRD ONE, BITCH.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS, POINTS.

NEXT UP...

>> AND I'M GONNA GROW UP TO BECHRIS HARDWICK.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH...

OH, MY GOD.

WHICH ONE?

>> YOU'VE HAD BOTH OF THE THOSEHAIRCUTS.

>> HARDWICK: I GOT BOTH THOSE...

THIS IS... THAT'S A... THAT IS ABEFORE AND AFTER OF ME.

UH...

>> THAT'S MACAULAY CULKIN.

>> HARDWICK: THAT IS MACAULAY.

THAT'S BOTH.

THAT'S MACAULAY CULKIN MEETINGHIMSELF IN A TIME LOOP.

NO, YOU'RE NOT HOME ALONEANYMORE, ALL RIGHT?

SHUT UP.

I'M HERE...

ALL RIGHT, NEXT UP, THESE AGINGANGLOS.

>> I CAN'T SEEM TO GET IT UPPROPERLY.

>> ARE YOU LESS MOIST, FOREXAMPLE?

>> YES, EXACTLY.

>> HARDWICK: RORY.

>> ASHLEYMADISON.COM.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

DOUG.

>> YES, WE ARE BOTH DRY AS FUCK.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, POINTS.

POINTS.

ERICA.

>> I USED TO SQUIRT AND NOW IT'SMORE OF A LIGHT MISTING.

>> HARDWICK: AND THEN YOU JUSTSEE HER... (HISSES)

EXCUSE ME!

POINTS TO ERICA RHODES.

>> CUP O' TEA.

>> HARDWICK: VERY WELL PLAYED.

UH, NEXT UP, THESERANDY RANGERS.

>> I NEED-A NEW CUSTOMERS.

AAH! RIGHT ON TIME!

>> WE'RE HERE TO TOSS YOURSALAD.

>> NOW, HOW DO WE FIND YOUR ASSOR OUR MOUTH?

>> HARDWICK: YEAH...

POINTS.

ERICA.

>> AND AFTERWARDS YOU CAN EATALL OUR PUSSIES.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

DOUG.

>> UH, YOU'RE GONNA TOSS MYSALAD?

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO WITH MYSCRAMBLED EGGS?

♪ THEY'RE CALLING AGAIN. >> HARDWICK: OH, FRASIER

REFERENCE, YEAH.

I'LL GIVE YOU POINTS FOR YOURFRASIER REFERENCE.

NEXT UP, NEXT UP, THIS CUTTINGCRITIQUE.

>> COLOR ISN'T THAT GREAT ANDTHIS HORSE IS FAT, LOOKS A

LITTLE BIT OVERWEIGHT.

THIS HORSE'LL NEVER GET MY MONEYANY DAY.

(BELL DINGS)>> HARDWICK: WHAT A FUCKING

DICK.

HEY, REAL HORSES HAVE CURVES,ALL RIGHT?

UH, DOUG.

>> IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I'MGONNA GO BET ON THIS FAT LOSER.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

RORY.

>> OKAY, THANK YOU, TIM INPONTIAC, MICHIGAN.

THAT'S THE LAST TIME WE GO TOTHE PHONES.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

POINTS.

ERICA.

>> AND THE HORSE LOOKS EVENWORSE.

>> OH!

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

I MEAN, YOU CAN SEE THIS HORSEISN'T STABLE.

(AUDIENCE GROANS)ALL RIGHT, GALLOPING AHEAD.

UH, NEXT UP, THESE FISH LOVERS.

>> COME ON, ERIC, YOU'VE HADYOUR LUNCH.

(BABBLES)(BELL DINGS)

DOUG.

>> HE GOES ON TO SAY...

(BABBLING)AND THEN THE DOLPHIN GOES, "WHY

ARE YOU SPEAKING PORPOISE?">> HARDWICK: POINTS.

YEAH, THAT'S VERY RACIST.

WE'RE NOT THE SAME.

ERICA.

>> (MUFFLED): I CAN'T FEEL THELEFT SIDE OF MY FACE.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

RORY SCOVEL.

>> CUT! JAMES, LOOK, IF YOUCAN'T REMEMBER THE LINES, JUST

CALL FOR THEM.

DO NOT DOLPHIN SCAT AGAIN.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS, POINTS.

>> (BABBLING)>> HARDWICK: FINALLY, THIS LURID

EMBRACE.

(BELL DINGS)YOU GUYS HAVE NEVER SEEN, UH,

SPIDER-BOYZ II MEN?

UH...

DOUG BENSON.

>> I DON'T KNOW IF THERE'S ANYDIALOGUE, CHRIS, BUT HERE COMES

SPIDER-MAN.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

POINTS.

I WAS... I WASN'T A FAN OF THISONE, 'CAUSE HE'S GOT HIS ORGANIC

WEB SHOOTER RIGHT THERE.

HE'S USING ORGANIC WEB SHOOTERS.

RORY.

>> CRAIGSLIST-- IT'S NOT JUSTFOR BUYING FURNITURE.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

ERICA.

>> WHEN I SAID "USE PROTECTION"I DIDN'T MEAN THIS.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

JUST THESE... THESE TWO DUDESWERE HAVING AN ORGY WITH A

RADIOACTIVE SPIDER AND THEN THISIS... THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS.

BEFORE THE BREAK, I SHOWED YOU AGIF OF A BEAR WALKING ON ALL

FOURS.

I ASKED YOU TO DISH SOME GOSSIPON WHAT, UH, LOOKS LIKE A GUY

THAT YOU'D SEE AT A FURRYCONVENTION.

I CAN'T EVEN LOOK AT IT.

IT FUCKING CREEPS ME OUT SOMUCH.

>> "DON'T LAUGH AT ME, CHRIS.

I JUST WORKED WITH LEODICAPRIO."

>> HARDWICK: YEAH.

LET'S HEAR WHAT YOU GUYS WROTE.

RORY, LET'S START WITH YOU.

>> OH, THIS GASH RIGHT HERE?

YEAH, WELL, THE NEW GUY SMELLEDLIKE HOT GARBAGE, SO, NATURALLY,

I THOUGHT IT WAS JASON.

STARTED GIVING HIM A HAND JOB.

AND HE WENT BERSERK, TURNED ONME, DISEMBOWELED SHERYL.

>> HARDWICK: I'M GLAD... GOSSIPHURTS.

ERICA.

>> WOW, THE NEW GUY HAS HIS LIFEWAY MORE TOGETHER THAN THE REST

OF US.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT.

DOUG BENSON.

>> THAT GUY IS REALLY INTO BEINGA BEAR.

EACH YEAR, HE SLEEPS FOR UP TOSEVEN AND A HALF MONTHS.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT.

AS WE GO TO

OUR NEXT GAME, AMAZON WISH LIST:"THE BEES!" EDITION.

TODAY IS THE BIRTHDAY OF ONE OFTHE INTERNET'S MOST BELOVED

TOTEMS, A MAN WHO REDDIT CALLSTHE ONE TRUE GOD.

I AM TALKING ABOUT, OF COURSE,NICOLAS CAGE.

UH... NOW, NICK IS THE STAR OFOSCAR-WORTHY FILMS LIKE LEAVING

LAS VEGAS AND ADAPTATION, ANDHE'S ALSO CONSTANTLY IN TROUBLE

WITH THE IRS BECAUSE OF HIS KINDOF WEIRD BUT UNDENIABLY AMAZING

SPENDING HABITS.

HE HAS ACTUALLY PURCHASED AHAUNTED HOUSE IN NEW ORLEANS, A

PYRAMID TOMBSTONE, A DINOSAURSKULL, AND A COLLECTION OF

SHRUNKEN HEADS.

IT'S ALMOST LIKE NICK CAGE FOR AWHILE WAS JUST GOING AROUND

GOING, "UH, UH, CAN I BUY THAT?"AND THEN... HE WOULD JUST BUY

IT.

COMEDIANS, WHAT DO YOU GET FORTHE MAN WHO HAS EVERYTHING BUT

ACTUAL MONEY?

I WOULD LIKE YOU TO GIVE ME SOMEITEMS YOU WOULD FIND ON NICK

CAGE'S AMAZON WISH LIST IN 60SECONDS.

AND BEGIN. RORY.

>> THE OPPORTUNITY TO BRINGFACE/OFF TO BROADWAY.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

DOUG.

>> THE DECLARATION OFINDEPENDENCE.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

RORY.

>> A WIND CHIME MADE FROM BENFRANKLIN'S BONES.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

ERICA.

>> A THRONE FOR HIS THRONE.

>> HARDWICK: P-POINTS.

RORY.

>> TO BE IN TEN MOVIES A MONTHFOREVER.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

DOUG.

>> JAKARTA.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

DOUG.

>> THE KEYS TO MOUNT RUSHMORE.

>> HARDWICK: THERE'S CLUES.

THERE'S CLUES IN THERE.

YES, POINTS.

UH, ERICA.

>> EMOTIONAL RANGE.

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.