Jacqueline Novak

  • Season 5, Ep 14
  • 10/07/2016

Jacqueline Novak talks about the horror of the human body, her love of food, her biggest fear and the least sexual word in the English language.

I'm an apple woman.

An apple... woman.

If you readthe ladies magazines,

you might know what that is.

They like to tell the womenwhat shape we are

and what jeans to buy.

Pear is a classic shape.

They always say, "You're a pearif you carry your weight

in your hips."

They're like,"You're a pear,

if you have a woman's body."

And then they're like,"You're an apple,

if your shirt hurts."

There's celeries, as well.


they don't say much about them,

'cause they're doing okayon their own.

I was born a celery.

But I knew I was an apple.

I'm a trans-vegetable.

That's the only punyou're gettin' out of me,

so I hope you enjoyed it.(chuckles)

They're rude to apples,they do this thing.

Next to apple, there's alwaysa little asterisk.

And then,at the bottom of the page,

in tiny letters, they're like,

"By the way, if you're an apple,

you're at greater riskfor heart disease."

But you go, apple girl.(chuckles)

I like to eat.

Sorry about that.

Eating is, without a doubt,

my favorite ofthe survival-based activities.

Like, I'll breathe,but I don't enjoy it.

I don't like the way it feels.

A deep breath.

Everyone's alwayspushing a deep breath

in tough times.

They're the worst.

I find hunger very attractivein a man.

Yes, this is the momentwhere I reveal

that I'm a heterosexual.

And I'm not proud of it.

Nah, it's nothing to be proud ofin this day and age.

It's an embarrassment,

to lust after the common shaft.

It's like, "Does she read?"

But I do findthat hunger attractive,

in a man.

That's why I like to seehow he treats his buffalo wings.

I think it's very telling.

I think it's a great way

to feel someone out.

'Cause I-I-I got to say,

if a man's throwing bonesinto that bones pile,

and they stillhave flesh on 'em,

I'm not impressed.

Nah, I'm-I'm throwin' real bonesin there,

you know what I'm saying?(chuckles)

I'm throwing true bonesin there.

They are-- they are clean,and dry,

and ready to bea pirate wench's earring.

They're readyfor the bones pile, okay?

He's-he's throwingflesh lollipops in there.

It kind of makes me wonder,you know,

"Are you gonnaleave the meat on me, too?"


Are you someone

who's afraid to getinto the corners

where the flavor's at?