CC Presents: Jon Reep

  • Season 10, Ep 11
  • 03/23/2006

I LOVE IT. I DO.

EVERY TIME I GO OUT DANCING THOUGH, MAN,

YOU ALWAYS SEE THAT ONE IDIOT ON THE DANCE FLOOR, YOU KNOW?

SOMETIMES I'M THAT GUY, WHATEVER.

BUT THERE'S ALWAYS ONE DUDE AND HE'S DOING THIS ONE.

AND HE'S LIKE,"CHECK IT OUT YOU GUYS,I'M A SPRINKLER."

[LAUGHTER]

"NO, YOU'RE NOT.THAT'S CALLED THE IDIOT.AND YOU'RE GOOD."

I'M JUST JEALOUS THOUGH, YOU KNOW.

I DIDN'T HAVE THAT KIND OF SPRINKLER WHEN I WAS A KID.

THAT WAS FOR THE GOLF COURSE KIDS. I DIDN'T HAVE IT.

I HAD THAT $2 WAL-MART SPRINKLER.

YOU KNOW THE ONE THAT JUST GOES LIKE THIS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"JUMP THROUGH ME." AND YOU'RE LIKE, "YES. HA-HA!

I GOT MY CROTCH WET. THIS IS BETTER THAN A POOL."

SO, CAN YOU GUYS TELL THAT I'M NOT FROM THE "CITY"?

- ANY CITY. - [LAUGHTER]

- "PICK A CITY." "NOPE." - [LAUGHTER]

I'M FROM A LITTLE TOWN IN NORTH CAROLINA CALLED HICKORY.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THAT'S HOW YOUGOTTA SAY IT TOO, RIGHT?

YOU GOTTA SHAKE YOUR HEAD, WHEN YOU SAY, "HICKORY."

- [LAUGHTER] - I'M FROM HICKORY.

EH, HICKORY'S ARE GREAT, MAN. WE ARE KIND OF FAMOUS,

YOU KNOW WE USED TO BE THEFURNITURE CAPITOL OF THE WORLD.

HOME TO WINSTON CUP CHAMPION DALE JARRETT

AND THAT PIG FROM GREEN ACRES FROM HICKORY.

- HE'S HUGE. - [LAUGHTER]

HICKORY ACTUALLY SITS AT THE BOTTOM OF THE APPALACHIAN MOUNTAINS.

SO, LIKE EVEN HILLBILLIESARE ACTUALLY LOOKING DOWN ON US.

"LOOK AT 'EM DOWN THEREBRUSHIN' THEIR TOOTH."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I AM. I DON'T HATE ANYBODY.

I'VE NEVER BEEN ON SPRINGE OR MAURY.

I'M NOT ATTRACTED TO ANY OF MY COUSINS.

AND I GOT SOME HOT COUSINS, TOO.

I'M JUST A CHARACTER.THAT'S WHAT THEY CALL MEBACK HOME IN HICKORY.

THEY GO,"OH, HE'S A CHARACTER."

YEAH, TRANSLATION, "OH, HE'S RETARDED.

[LAUGHTER]

"I CAUGHT HIM DANCING NAKED WITH THE PIG IN A SPRINKLER.

HE'S A CHARACTER."

YEAH, WE GOT ALL KINDS OF WORDS AND PHRASES LIKE THAT

THAT THE REST OFTHE COUNTRY JUST HAS AHARD TIME FIGURING OUT.

YOU KNOW, LIKE IF YOUEVER HEAR SOMEBODY SAY,

"WELL, I LOVE HIM TO DEATH,"

THEY'RE ABOUT TO SAY SOMETHING HORRIBLE.

IT'S LIKE, "WELL, I LOVE HIM TO DEATH,

- "BUT HE BEATS PUPPIES. - [LAUGHTER]

"HE DOES WITH KITTENS.

HE BEATS 'EM WITH KITTENS LIKE THIS. BUT I LOVE HIM TO DEATH."

IT'S THE SAME THINGWITH "BLESS HIS HEART."

IF YOU EVER SOMEBODY SAY, "BLESS HIS HEART,"

THEY'RE ABOUT TO TALK SOME TRASH.

"BLESS HIS HEART, BUT HE IS A PEDOPHILE.

"HE'S A GAY PEDOPHILE, WITH A CLUB FOOT.

BLESS HIS HEART." THERE ARE TONS OF THOSE, MAN.

IF SOMETHING'S EASY, YOU'LL HEAR THIS ONE,

"WELL, THAT'S AS EASY AS SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL."

IS THAT EVEN EASY? HAVE YOU DONE THAT?

FISH ARE FAST.HOLD STILL, YOU LITTLE [BLEEP].

WHY WOULD YOU EVEN SHOOT A FISH ONCE HE'S IN THE BARREL?

YOU GOT HIM. YOU'VE ALREADY ONE.

HE'S NOT GOING ANYWHERE, MAN. YOU'RE JUST GONNA MAKE A MESS.

GO GET A NET SCOOP AND SCORE. THAT'S A FISHY.

THIS IS MY FAVORITE ONE.AND YOU'VE PROBABLY HEARD THIS.

I LOVE THIS ONE. "[BLEEP] EATING GRIN."

WHAT? I KNOW. [BLEEP] EAT-- IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE?

I DON'T EVER WANNA BE THAT HAPPY.

IF YOU CAN GRIN AND EAT THAT AT THE SAME TIME,

- BLESS YOUR HEART. - [LAUGHTER]

YOU GOTTA LEARN TO BE CREATIVE, MAN.

AND ALL THE FOLK SONGS THIS COUNTRY KNOWS ARE FROM SMALL TOWNS.

WHICH WHY THEY DON'T MAKE A WHOLE LOT OF SENSE THESE DAYS.

YOU KNOW, "JIMMY CRACK CORN AND I DON'T CARE."

AH, ME EITHER?

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT CRACK CORN IS.

WHAT IS THAT? YOU KNOW WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE?

IT SOUNDS LIKESOME KIND OF INNER CITYHILLBILLY DRUG PROBLEM.

YOU KNOW, "DID YOU HEARWHAT HAPPENED TO JIMMY?"

"WHAT?" "HE STUCK ON THAT CRACK CORN.

BUT I DON'T CARE. BUT BLESS HIS HEART."

OR "I'M GOING TO LOUISIANA TO SEE MY SUZIEANNA

SINGING POLLY WALLY DODDLE ALL DAY."

ALL DAY, POLLY WALLY DOODLE.

IT'D GONNA BE A GREAT DAY. SINGING WHAT?

NOT IN MY TRUCK.I GOT AN I-POD.

I LIKE THIS ONE, TOO

"SHE'LL BE COMING ROUND THE MOUNTAIN WHEN SHE COMES."

WHAT'S THAT SONG ABOUT? I DON'T KNOW EITHER, MAN.

BUT SHE'LL BE RIDING SIX WHITE HORSES.

THAT'S SICK. THAT IS DISGUSTING.

I THINK I'VE SEEN THAT VIDEO. NOT SO BAD.

EVEN THE NURSERY RHYMES,IF YOU GUYS REMEMBER THE LYRICS

TO SOME OF THESE. I DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY'RE TRYING TO SAY EITHER.

IT'S LIKE, "ROCKABYE BABY IN THE TREETOPS."

YOU'RE LIKE, "WELL, THERE'S A BABY IN THE TREETOPS?

IS IT A MONKEY BABY?"

"NO. NO. YOU JUST BE QUITE AND LISTEN, SON.

"OKAY, NOW WHEN THE WIND BLOWS THE CRADLE WILL ROCK.

"AND WHEN THE BOW BREAKS, THE CRADLE WILL FALL.

"AND DOWN WILL COME BABY,CRADLE AND ALL.

-GOOD NIGHT, SON." -[LAUGHTER]

"DADDY, CAN YOU LEAVE THE LIGHT ON?

MOMMA, DADDY'S ON THE CRACK CORN."

[LAUGHTER]

LIKE HE ALWAYS HAD THIS MASTER PLAN FOR A PROBLEM THAT NEVER WORKED EVER.

WE HAD A POOL GROWING UP.

IT WAS A NICE POOL. HAD A DEEP END.

HAD A SHALLOW END. HAD A LINING IN IT.

AND ONE DAY THE LINING GOT RIPPED AT THE VERY BOTTOM.

AND HE HAD TO FIX IT.NOW, HE COULD'VE EASILY

DRAINED OUT ALL THE WATER FIRST.

BUT THAT WOULDA BEEN SIMPLE, SAFE, AND EFFICIENT. AIN'T GOT TIME FOR THAT.

SO, HE FIGURES HE'LL JUST GET A BACKPACK, ALL RIGHT?

FILL IF FULL OF ROCKS TO HOLD HIM DOWN AT THE BOTTOM.

YEAH. YEAH. YOU KNOW, SO HE CAN FIX IT WITHOUT FLOATIN' UP.

AND THEN HE'S GONNA USE A GARDEN HOSE TO BREATH THROUGH,

ME AND MY BROTHER AREJUST 'SPOSED TO HOLD ITAT THE TOP FOR HIM.

I WISH YOU GUYSCOULDA SEEN IT.

HE WAS HANGIN' ON THE SIDE OF THAT POOL,

HE'S GOT A SACK OF ROCKS ON HIS BACK,

THERE'S DUCK TAPE EVERYWHERE,HOSE AND HE GOT NERVOUS

RIGHT BEFORE HE WENT UNDER WATER.

AND HE GAVE THIS LITTLE SPEECH.

HE'S LIKE "LISTEN TO ME. SHUT UP. THIS IS IMPORTANT.

"LISTEN. IF YOU TWO BOYSFEEL YOUR DADDY HERE

"TUGGIN' ON THIS HOSE, THAT MEANS ABORT MISSION.

AND I WANT YOU TO PULL ME BACK UP WITH THE HOSE."

SO, YOU GOTTA IMAGINE, TWO TEN YEAR OLDS,

JUST STANDING THERE WITH THIS HOSE,

YOU KNOW, IN CHARGEOF THEIR FATHER'S LIFE.

AND WE'RE JUST THINKING, "DADDY SURE IS SMART. WOW."

HE'S DOWN THERE MAYBE TEN SECONDS.

AND OF COURSE, THE WATER PRESSURE STARTS TO COLLAPSE THE HOSE.

RIGHT? YEAH. SO, HE STARTS TUGGIN' ON IT.

AND ME AND MY BROTHER PANIC. WE JUST WE JUST YANK IT

OUTTA HIS MOUTH AND OUTTA THE POOL.

AND YOU CANNOT GET A HOSE TO GO BACK UNDER WATER. IT SNAKES UP ON YOU.

SO, HE'S DOWN THEREFREAKIN' OUT, YOU KNOW,

'CAUSE HE CAN'T GET THE BACKPACK OFF.

AND ME AND MY BROTHER UP TOP, "HEY LOOK, DADDY'S WAVIN'."

FINALLY, HE DECIDES THE ONLY WAY OUT OF THIS PROBLEM

IS HE HAS JUST GOTTA RUNAS FAST AS HE CAN

TO THE SHALLOW END OF THE POOL UP THE SLOPE.

I DON'T KNOW IFYOU'VE EVER SEEN ANYBODY

JUST GET IT UNDER WATER WITH A SACK OF ROCKS ON THEIR BACK.

HE LOOKED LIKE AN ASTRONAUT ON A STAIRMASTER.

HE FINALLY MADE IT UP SOMEHOW

ALL THE WAY UP TO THE SHALLOW END.

HE'S JUST LIKE, "BEH, BEH, BLEGAW,

"AHUH, AHUH, AHUH, AHUH, AHUH, AHUH, AHUH, AHUH, COME HERE.

"AHUH, AHUH, AHUH, AHUH, BOTH OF YA.

"AHUH, AHUH, AHUH, AHUH, OH MY GOD.

"AHUH, AHUH, AHUH, WHAT THE HELL.

"DIDN'T YOU TWO IGIOTS--

DIDN'T YOU SEE YOUR DADDY DOWN THERE WAVING FOR HELP?"

WE JUST LIKE, "WELL, WE JUST THOUGHT YOU WAS WAVING DADDY.

WHAT'S AN IGIOT?"

I CAN'T STAND IT. I'M JUST A KID...

IF YOU LIKE TO HAVE FUN,DO THIS.

GO OUT IN PUBLIC AND FIND A GUY TALKIN' ON HIS CELL PHONE

AND GENTLYWALK UP TO HIM LIKE THIS

AND THEN LEAN IN ANDSTART LISTENIN' TO HIM.

"WHAT'S HE SAYING? CAN I TALK ON IT?"

NOW, THEY'LL GET ANNOYED AFTER A MINUTE, YOU KNOW.

THEY'LL SAY, "WHAT? EXCUSE ME.

CAN I HAVE ALITTLE PRIVACY PLEASE?"

THAT'S WHEN YOU SAY THIS,"NO. BECAUSE YOU'RE IN PUBLIC."

YEP. THAT'S HOW IT WORKS. THAT'S HOW THAT SYSTEM WORKS.

IT TURNS OUT THERE'S NO PRIVACY IN PUBLIC.

IN FACT, YOUR PRIVACYIS INVADING OUR PUBLIC.

"WHY DON'T YOU GO SOMEWHERE

WHERE WE CAN HAVE A LITTLE PUBLIC AROUND HERE."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU GOT BEER DRINKERS IN HERE?

OH MY GOD. THAT'S MY KRYPTONITE. THAT'S MY WEAKNESS.

I'D MARRY BEER IF I COULD. "WILL YOU BEER TAKE ME,

TO BE YOURAWFULLY WETTED HUSBAND,UNTIL A DUI DO US PART?"

I LOVE YOU BEER.

I'D LIKE TO MEET THE GUYTHAT INVENTED BEER

AND THEN BUY THAT DUDE A BEER.

- YES. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I EVEN LOVE THOSE OLD BEER SLOGANS, MAN.

YOU GUYS REMEMBER THIS ONE? "THERE'S OLD MILWAUKEE.

THAT DON'T GET NO BETTER THAN THIS."

- YES, IT DOES.- [LAUGHTER]

THEY SHOULD SAY,"OLD MILWAUKEE.

IT DON'T GET NO CHEAPER THAN THIS." THAT'S WHY YOU BUY IT.

THAT'S WHY YOU EVER BOUGHT IT.

I KNOW YOU'VE ALL DONE THAT BEER MATH IN YOUR HEAD, RIGHT?

YOU'RE IN FRONT OF THE BEER COOLER AT THE GROCERY STORE.

YOU'RE FREAKING OUT."HANG ON. I'LL GET THIS.

I CAN FIGURE THIS OUT NOW, HANG ON.

OKAY. OKAY.HERE'S THE DEAL.

WE CAN GET A CASE OF HEINEKEN OR 15 CASES OF OLD MILWAUKEE.

[LAUGHTER]

THAT'S A NO-BRAINER. THAT'S MILWAUKEE EVERY TIME.

HOW MUCH FUN DO YOU WANNA HAVE?

I LIKE BUDWEISER.THAT'S MY FAVORITE BEER.

NOT BECAUSE OF THE WAY IT TASTES OR ANYTHING,

BUT BECAUSE IT'STHE EASIEST ONE TO ORDERWHEN YOU'RE HAMMERED.

BARTENDER SAYS, "LAST CALL." YOU CANNOT SAY, "HEINEKEN,"

- AFTER 15 HEINEKENS. - [LAUGHTER]

"LAST CALL, WHAT CAN I GET YOU?"

- "HAVADED. - [LAUGHTER]

"HANNANEKI. HEINAKINAKINAKINAKINE.

BUD."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS, WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

YOU CAN ALWAYS SAY "BUD."

I GOT A BETTER ONE THOUGH.

I'M COMING OUT WITH MY OWN BEER.

IT'S GONNA BE HUGE. I'M GONNA BE RICH.

- I'M GONNA NAME IT "UH." - [LAUGHTER]

"LAST CALL, WHAT COULD I GET YOU?"

- "UH. TWO PLEASE." - [LAUGHTER]

"$17.50." "PUT THAT ON A CARD."

THIS IS HOW MUCHI LOVE BEER,

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE NOTICED THIS YET.

HAVE YOU SEEN MY BELT BUCKLE? CHECK IT OUT Y'ALL.

IT'S A BOTTLE OPENER. LOOK AT THAT.

YEAH. DUDES, YOU GOTTA GET ONE OF THESE, MAN.

CHICKS DIG IT.

YOU SEE A GIRL WITH A BEER AT PARTY.

"LEMME GET THAT FOR YOU,SWEETHEART." PA-PAH!

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

LOOKS LIKE YOU GOT A WHOLE BUCKET OF BEERS OVER HERE.

ALRIGHTY. PA-PAH-PAH-PAH-PAH-PAH-PAH!

[LAUGHTER]

ME, TOO.I'M FROM NORTH CAROLINA.

I LIKE THE PANTHERS, CAROLINA PANTHERS.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[HISSING AND SCRATCHING] THAT'S WHAT A PANTHER DOES.

- [HISSING AND SCRATCHING] - [LAUGHTER]

I KNOW THAT 'CAUSE I WENT TO GAME AND THEY PLAYED

THAT SOUND EFFECT LIKE EVERY 15 SECONDS.

JAKE DELHOMME JUST SCRATCHED HIS NADS, PHOW.

WE MOVED THE BALL TWO INCHES, PHOW.

LIKE, I GET ITWE'RE A PANTHER.

IT'S LIKE THERE'S SOME DUDE ON CRACK

AND HE BROKE INTO THE BOOTH

AND HE LOCKED THE DOOR AND HE'S GOTTA A SEE AND SAY.

HE'S LIKE, "THE PANTHER SAYS, PHOW." DO OTHER TEAMS TO THAT?

I NEVER HEARD, "FIRST DOWN PHILADELPHIA EAGLES, AOW, AOW."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"INTERCEPTION BY THE MIAMI DOLPHINS,

A-KEKEKEKEKEKE-KE-KE-KE-KE."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THEY'LL SQUIRT YA WITH THAT HOLE IN THEIR HEAD. WHOF!

"TOUCHDOWN DALLAS COWBOYS, YEE-HAW! PHFEW, PHFEW, PHFEW!"

- [SNIFFING SOUND] - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

DEDADEDLE. THEY DO DRUGS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THIS IS MY IMPRESSION OF EVERY PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALL REFEREE

YOU'VE EVER SEEN. AT SOME POINT--

THIS IS HIM RIGHT HERE, HANG ON.

[LAUGHTER]

"WHAT? WHAT?TWENTY-SEVEN. I GOT IT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"WE GOT A HOLDING ON NUMBER SEVEN!

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

[MOUTHING DIALOGUE] TEN YARD PENALTY."

[LAUGHTER]

I FEEL SORRY FOR THAT GUY.

HIS MICROPHONE NEVER WORKS, EVER.

HE'S JUST OUT THERE BY HIMSELF. YEP.

"THAT'S...AUTOMATICE FIRST DOWN!"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

FIX IT.IT'S A NINE-VOLT, OKAY?

WHAT IF IT WASN'T THE MICROPHONE THOUGH?

YOU KNOW LIKE HE'S JUSTMESSIN' WITH EVERYBODY.

LIKE, "HEY REF, WHAT ABOUT THAT CALL YOU MADE

IN THE 3rd QUARTER?" "I CALL 'EM LIKE I SEE 'EM."

MAYBE GOES HOMETO HIS WIFE, SHE'S LIKE,

"HEY HONEY, HOW WAS YOUR DAY?"

LIKE, "OH NO, BABY, THE GAME...

[UNINTELLIGIBLE PHRASE] [BLEEP]."

[LAUGHTER]

MAYBE THEY'RE IN BED MAKING LOVE, YOU KNOW,

"OH MY OD YOU EL SO OOD."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

FIRST DOWN!

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

ALL RIGHT CHECK THIS OUT. HE'S ANOTHER GREAT IMPRESSION.

HANG ON.

[LAUGHTER]

CAN Y'ALL SEE THIS?

ALL RIGHT, THIS ONE'S CALLED

"LARRY BIRD SMASHED IN A SCREEN DOOR."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"OPEN THE DOOR,IT'S ME, LARRY."

THANKS A LOT YOU GUYS. THAT WAS GOOD.

Loading...