Find My Boyfriend a Girlfriend

  • Season 1, Ep 6
  • 03/15/2016

Nikki weighs the pros and cons of sexting with T.J. Miller and Pete Holmes, considers entering into an open relationship and tries out a marijuana-infused lubricant.

- So is monogamy a badthing in your opinion?

- Long-term sexualmonogamy is not congruent

with our species.

I look at monogamy as beingakin to vegetarianism.

- So like annoying.

- Potentially annoying.

- Okay.

- You can choose to be avegetarian,

but you are still an omnivore.

You can't choose to be anherbivore.

- Yes.

- They're still gonna smell thebarbecue.

It's still gonna smell good.

- Pretty much we're made tolike fuck a lot of people.

- Exactly.

- So I'm here today because Iwant to find

a girl for my boyfriend to havesex with.

You don't think that I'm likeweird?

- No, I think you're weird, ofcourse.

- Everyone who's beendisapproving of this,

my therapist, my mom, God.

Even worse, Dr. Drew.

- Dr. Drew?

- Dr. Drew told me not to do it.

- But Dr. Dre is find with it.

- Dr. Dre would be fine with it.

(laughter)

- Society doesn't approve ofthis,

but hey, five years ago,society didn't approve

of medical marijuana.

It didn't approve gay marriage.

It didn't approve a lot ofthings.

Society needs to grow up.

So I think what you're doing isgood.

It's revolutionary.

It's important.

- A lot of people whohave told me I should

not be doing this say,"You're gonna be jealous."

- Which makes perfect sense.

There's a heightened senseof connecting with the person

because there's maybe a dangerthat you're losing them.

- So it's a risk, you know?

- Yeah, like rock climbing.

- Exactly.

And I'm just picking therock he's going to climb

and have sex with.

So you think that it's maybehealthy for my relationship.

- If it's something thatyou both want to do,

then why not, yeah.

The hell with Dr. Drew.

- Thank you.

- Good luck.

- Hello, hi.

- Hey, how's it going?

- [Blonde girl] Nikki?

- Yes.

- [Blonde girl] Hi, nice to meetyou.

- Likewise.

- I'm interviewing youto date my boyfriend.

- Yes.

- Okay.

If you get the job..

- [Brunette girl] Mm-hmm.

- You and my boyfriend cango and do whatever it is

you two wanna do, no questionsasked.

- And you're okay with that?

- Yeah, I am.

Tell me why you would begood for this position.

- I know how to please a man.

- I am super funny.

- How funny are you?

Because that's kind of my thing.

- Oh, yeah.

Not funnier than you.

- Okay, okay.

What do you look for in a guy?

- I like 'em tall.

- I really like black guys.

- I'm cool with that, too.

Boom.

- Hello.

This is your boyfriend?

Damn.

- [Blonde girl] Yeah.

- Hit it, man, his straight-assteeth.

- Would you lick those teeth?

- I would honestly suck thewhite out of that guy's teeth.

- You got a hottie on yourhands.

- You could sit on that.

- I could sit on that, yeah.

- Okay.

Could sit on.

My boyfriend knows what's wrongwith me,

so what is wrong with you?

- I'm hard-headed.

I'm a bull.

I'm Taurus.

- Oh, so you're into astrology.

- [Girl on right] A little bit.

- That's what's wrong with you,okay.

How good at sex are you?

- Awesome.

- I'm really good at sex.

- Like how good?

- I do porn.

- You do porn?

- Yeah.

I actually did my firstinterracial gang bang

like a week ago.

- So did I.

- Everybody's doing it.

- Now, tell me, what isyour like best skill in bed?

- The cowboy on top maybe.

- Way too spicy.

On a scale of a limp handshaketo a like vice grip pliers,

like how tight are you?

- Oh, I'm pretty tight.

- Really?

- Yeah, I'm really little.

- It's actually tighterthan I'd like it to be.

- You wish you weren't as tight.

Oh, you poor thing.

- Actually, it's itty-bitty.

Itty-bitty kitty.

- Mine looks like it's trying toescape.

Do you ever have that feeling?

- No, I haven't.

- Can you give me an example ofa sound

you would make during sex?

- Uh, uh, uh,

oh, God, yeah.

Is that good?

- No.

(laughter)

Fuck.

I like to try new things in bed,like changing my sheets.

[ Laughter ]

It wasn't really for me, though.

That's why I was psyched,though, when I read about Foria.

It's a marijuana-infused lubethat enhances your orgasms.

[ Cheers and applause ]Yeah.

It's illegalin almost every state,

and I sprayed itall over my puss-ay.

[ Laughter ]

So, now, when my doctor asks me,like, how my vagina's doing,

I just say,"Hangin' and bangin', man."

[ Laughter ]

Pete,you've tried this, right?

I haven't tried it,but my girlfriend has.

You had your lady use it?

She used it,and it works really well

because the "vagine" is the mostabsorbent part of your body,

so she was givinga lot of squirts,

like a hefty woman witha baked potato and spray butter.

It is a weird --

[ Laughter and applause ]

So, she's really gettingin there.

And it worked so wellthat she got so high,

she forgot to masturbate.

[ Laughter ]

-You know, Kate ---It is a weird thing. Like...

It is weird.Kate and I tried it.

-Okay.-And she doesn't smoke a lot.

And the sex was sort of good,but in the same realm.

Then, afterwards,we were so [bleep] high.

[ Laughter ]

Like, you can't imagine.

She went into the bathroom,and she started shuddering

and being like,"I think I'm having kids.

I can feel my kidshappening right now."

And she was like,"Quickly, quickly!

Get me hot water!Get me hot water for my head!"

So I'm, like, running.

I'm trying to, like, getthe towel hot and run back in.

And I go back in there.And she's not screaming anymore.

She's just like, "I feel likewe should get ramen."

[ Laughter ]

Like...

And it wasn't --And then my dick --

my dick was so high,

it watched "Pulp Fiction"three times in a row.

Whoa! [ Laughs ]

It's okayto get your dick high,

because if it gets the munchies,it's right by the nuts.

Yeah!

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Laughs ]

I used it last night.

I -- It's weird, though,because it says you have to --

it says a serving sizeis --

[chuckles]it has serving size on it --

it says 3 to 8 sprays.

Oh, Like I Can't BelieveIt's Not Butter.

Yes, exactly!

I can't believeyou're not wet already.

[ Laughter ]

And I was, like, spraying it.I had so many servings.

It was Thanksgiving last nightin [Laughing] my house.

-You had to do it.-I had so many.

I emptied the bottleup in there, and...

-You did not.-I really -- I got very high.

You basted.

But then we did it, and I --

the sex was good,but it's always good, you know?

The same, yeah.Like, you were like,"Was it it?"

But afterwards,I was very heavy.

I will say, though,I think that's like

when you smoke pot --smoke too much pot.

This felt likea relaxing high.

I think, when you getthe paranoid high,

it is the worst to have sex on,'cause I --

The last time I had sexwith one of my ex-boyfriends,

we were having sex,and it just --

you start thinking aboutthe mechanics of it too much.

-Yeah.-And I remember --

I stopped him, and I go,"Get out of me," and I just --

-Really?-I told him.

-Oh.-And he said, "What?"

And I said, "Get out of me,"'cause it just --

I saw it as like an MRI.

Like, I just saw him --

like, I saw it,and I was just like, "Ugh!"

It is, though.

And that was --it was over like that.

You get so in your headabout the mechanics of it

that I once...-Yeah.

...I didn't say it,but I was having sex,

and I was like, "God, I mean,you know, who are we?

Like, this is this --this is this woman's body.

Like, this is her body,and this is my body.

But is it even my bodyright now?

It's more her body."

And then, suddenly, I was like,"Whose dick is this?"

[ Laughter ]

So, it's bad.

You don't want to bein that headspace,

where you're like,"Aaaaaah."

Yes. Seriously.

Thank you guysfor sharing so much.

And to you at home, tweet mehow you feel about stoned sex...

Are you into it?Is it into you? Whoa!

I want to hearyour thoughts.

Tell us, and we might use iton the show.

We'll be right back.

Yeah!