CC Presents: Gary Valentine

  • Season 5, Ep 14
  • 09/30/2001

THERE'S SOME BEAUTIFUL LADIES

HERE.

CAN I JUST SAY THAT?

MY GOODNESS.

NOT TONIGHT, BUT LAST NIGHT WE

AH...

(LAUGHTER)

JUST KIDDING.

YOU KNOW NEW YORK HAS THE MOST

BEAUTIFUL LADIES IN THE WORLD.

I AM CONVINCED OF THAT.

IT'S JUST SO TOUGH TO MEET,

YOU KNOW?

I WAS IN A SUPERMARKET THE OTHER

DAY.

GREAT LOOKING GIRL JUST HAPPENED

TO TURN AND LOOK MY WAY.

JUST AS SHE DID I WAS IN THE

MIDDLE OF A YAWN.

(LAUGHTER)

AND I TRIED TO CUT IT SHORT,

YOU KNOW HOW YOU...

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

I LIVE IN LOS ANGELES NOW.

IT'S SO TOUGH OUT THERE.

I WENT OUT ON A DATE THE OTHER

NIGHT.

I TOOK THIS GIRL TO DINNER.

I KNEW IT WASN'T GONNA GO

ANYWHERE SEXUALLY BECAUSE I WAS

OUT OF CHLOROFORM AND RAGS.

(LAUGHTER)

YEAH, WHAT DO YOU DO?

I THINK ANYTHING'S BETTER THAN A

BLIND DATE.

BLIND DATES ARE BRUTAL.

BRUTAL!

CAPITAL B, CAPITAL R, UTAL.

YOU KNOW WHEN YOU'RE NOT

CLICKING WITH SOMEONE.

YOU KNOW IT RIGHT AWAY.

YOU KNOW, YOU PICK HER UP,

"HI...

I'M GONNA PUKE."

(LAUGHTER)

YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S ABOUT?

IT'S ABOUT KIDS.

I WANT KIDS, THAT'S WHAT I WANT.

I REALLY DO.

MY BUDDIES ARE ALL MARRIED

AND THEY HAVE KIDS.

MY FRIEND, I HAVEN'T SEEN THIS

GUY IN TWO YEARS, HE WANTED TO

SHOW ME PICTURES...

OF HIS KIDS THE OTHER DAY.

I'M A SINGLE GUY, NO KIDS,

HOW DO YOU RELATE TO THAT?

HE'S ALL EXCITED, "LOOK, HERE'S

MY 2 YEAR OLD BOY AND 3 YEAR OLD

GIRL."

AND I WENT, "OH, WOW, YEAH,

SHE'S HOT."

(LAUGHTER)

WHICH IS WRONG.

MY OTHER FRIEND PUTS HIS LITTLE

GIRL ON THE PHONE WITH ME EVERY

TIME I CALL UP.

THAT'S CUTE, ONCE OR TWICE,

NOT 10 (BLEEP)-IN TIMES.

"HEY, JACK, HOW YOU DOING

BUDDY?"

"HEY NOTHING GARY, JUST HANGING

AROUND, WAIT, LISA, SAY HELLO

TO GARY."

"NO, NO, JACK, I CAN'T, I GOTTA,

I GOTTA GET GOING.

I DON'T..."

(BLEEP)

(LITTLE GIRL VOICE) "HI"

GARY>> "HI, HI, LIS, HOW ARE

YOU?"

GIRL>> "HI"

GARY>> "HI.

LISTEN, I HEAR DAD BROUGHT YOU

HOME SOME ICE CREAM TODAY, HUH?"

GIRL>> "HI"

GARY>> "PUT YOUR FATHER BACK ON

THE PHONE!

THIS IS GOING NOWHERE!"

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

I HAD A POOL PARTY LAST SUMMER.

ALL THE KIDS CAME OVER,

YOU KNOW, WITH THEIR PARENTS.

THEY'RE RUNNING AROUND,

THIS KID, THE KIDS,

NOT THE PARENTS.

(LAUGHTER)

THEY'RE RUNNING AROUND,

YOU KNOW, LIKE LITTLE KIDS,

AND THIS 2 YEAR OLD GUY

WANTED TO RUN AROUND NAKED.

DIDN'T EVEN CARE.

OUT THERE IN HIS OWN LITTLE

WORLD.

LITTLE "PINKY TOE'd JUST

DANGLING THERE.

I HAD A COUPLE OF DRINKS IN ME

I GAVE IT A THWACK.

(AUDIENCE GROANS)

LITTLE SUMMER FUN, RIGHT?

HE, GET THIS, HE RUNS AWAY

CRYING LIKE A LITTLE 1 YEAR OLD.

I'M LIKE, "LIGHTEN UP, TIMOTHY,

IT'S A BARBECUE."

(LAUGHTER)

NOT FRIENDS WITH THEM ANYMORE.

SOME PEOPLE JUST DON'T LIKE A

COOKOUT.

I JUST GOT BACK FROM ATLANTA

GEORGIA.

ANYBODY FROM GEORGIA?

DON'T CARE.

ANYWAY, THERE WAS UM...

Y'KNOW THE THING WITH THE FLIGHT

AND THE WHOLE TRAVELING.

LUGGAGE.

WHY DO THEY BOTHER PUTTING

WHEELS ON LUGGAGE?

DID YOU EVER TRY TO PULL YOUR

LUGGAGE THROUGH THE AIRPORT?

THERE'S NO CONTROL.

I KILLED LIKE THREE KIDS ON THE

WAY HERE.

I HAVE A HUGE SUITCASE AND FOUR

MARBLES ON THE BOTTOM AND A NINE

FOOT STRAP IT'S LIKE WALKING A

BAD DOG.

"C'MON, SAMSONITE. C'MON, BUDDY.

C'MON, SAMMY.

DON'T LAY DOWN NOW.

(APPLAUSE)

DON'T LAY DOWN NOW.

YOU WANNA COME WITH PAPA?

YOU WANNA GO ON THE ESCALATOR?"

YOU WANNA GO ON THE ESCALATOR?"

SO I REALLY WAS IN ATLANTA.

IT'S REALLY BEAUTIFUL DOWN

THERE.

YOU KNOW WHAT THOUGH,

THOSE PEOPLE HAVE TO RELAX

WITH THEIR TEA.

YOU KNOW?

WE'RE ALL PROUD OF OUR ICED TEA.

WE DON'T PUSH IT ON YOU LIKE A

CRACK DEALER WHEN YOU GO TO THE

RESTAURANT.

GOD, YOU SIT IN A RESTAURANT

IN ATLANTA GEORGIA AND THE

WAITRESSES COME OUT WITH TWO

PITCHERS FULL OF THE TEA AND YOU

HAVE TO DRINK IT.

THEY CALL IT SWEET TEA.

THAT'S WHAT THEY CALL IT.

"Y'ALL WANT A SWEET TEA?

SWEET TEA?

Y'ALL WANT A SWEET TEA TODAY?

HOW ABOUT A SWEET TEA.

Y'ALL WANT A SWEET TEA?

HOW ABOUT A SWEET TEA.

Y'ALL WANT A SWEET TEA?

HOW ABOUT A SWEET TEA.

Y'ALL WANT A SWEET TEA?

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

Y'ALL WANT A SWEET TEA?

Y'ALL WANT A SWEET TEA?"

I'M BY MYSELF, WHO THE HELL ARE

YOU LOOKING AT?

IT'S LIKE, "OH, YOU DON'T WANT

NO SWEET TEA?"

UH, "WE ALL DON'T WANT NO SWEET

TEA."

"Y'ALL AIN'T FROM AROUND HERE

ARE YA?"

I ASKED THE GUY ON V3 HE WANT NO

SWEET TEA.

HE SAID HE DON'T WANT NO SWEET

TEA.

I SAID, WHY NOT?

YOU DON'T DRINK NO SWEET TEA?

(LAUGHTER)

I SWEAR I COULD DO MY ACT

IN A CLOSET BY MYSELF.

I DON'T EVEN NEED...

LIKE IF THE ROOM WAS EMPTY RIGHT

NOW, SAME SHOW.

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

IT'S JUST HOW I LIKE IT.

SHAKING MY ASS FOR THE PEOPLE.

WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING?

ACTUALLY, I THINK THAT'S HOW WE

SHOULD KISS, JUST RUB ASSES.

THAT'S HOW WE SHOULD GREET

SOMEONE.

KISSING'S SO PERSONAL.

I DON'T KNOW EVERY GIRL.

HEY, VERONICA, HOW YA DOING?

GOOD TO SEE YOU.

HOW'S IT GOING?

THIS IS MY HUSBAND HANK.

HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON HANK?

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

NOTHING LIKE A LITTLE SOUTHERN

TWANG.

REALLY.

A LITTLE SOUTHERN TWANG ON A

GAL.

THAT'S A VERY SEXY THING.

"HOW Y'ALL DOING?

WHAT'S GOING ON?

HOW YOU DOING?

WELCOME TO GEORGIA.

WHAT'S GOING ON?

BUT SOME OF THOSE BACK WOODS

PEOPLE I DON'T KNOW WHERE--

I COULDN'T UNDERSTAND THIS GUY.

THE PILOT.

I GO, "HOW LONG'S THE FLIGHT

GONNA BE?"

HE GOES, "IT'S GONNA TAKE ABOUT

A NOUR."

(LAUGHTER)

"I'M SORRY, HOW LONG?"

"ABOUT A NOUR."

"A BUTTERED WHAT?

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU SAYING?"

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

"IT'LL TAKE ABOUT A NOUR.

'BOUT A NOUR."

HE SLOWED IT DOWN FOR ME LIKE

THAT WAS GONNA MAKE A

DIFFERENCE.

"A HOUR.

ABOUT A NOUR."

"A NOUR"?

I'VE HAD DRY HEAVES WITH MORE

PRONUNCIATION THAN THAT.

"HOW LONG'S THE FLIGHT?"

"OH IT'S ABOUT [HEAVING SOUND]"

"45 MINUTE?"

(HEAVING CONTINUES)

(LAUGHTER)

"WHAT IS THAT 20 MINUTES?"

(HEAVING)

OH, MY GOD, I ALMOST THREW UP

THAT LAST TIME.

HOLD ON A MINUTE.

(L

I'M GONNA GET ONE OF THOSE

MASSAGE CHAIRS.

THEY GOT THOSE BIG RECLINING

MASSAGE CHAIRS.

THEY ARE DELIGHTFUL.

I'M GONNA GET ONE.

I WAS IN ONE THE OTHER DAY

FOR LIKE 20 MINUTES.

YOU KNOW HOW THEY HAVE LIKE

THE DISPLAY MODEL.

(HUMMING NOISES)

IT STARTED MAKING NOISES.

YOU KNOW, YOU FORGET,

I WAS LIKE, AAHHH!

THEY KICKED ME OUT.

APPARENTLY YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED

FACE DOWN.

YOU EVER THINK ABOUT PUTTING UP

A SIGN?!

CAN I HAVE MY SHIRT BACK PLEASE?

I LIKE TO SHOP.

I LIKE TO SHOP FOR CLOTHES.

HERE'S A LITTLE TIP, MAN.

PEOPLE, WHEN YOU BUY A SWEATER

FOLD IT UP PUT IT INTO THE

DRAWER.

I HUNG MINE UP.

I HAVE SHOULDER NIPPLES.

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO GET RID OF

THEM.

YOU CAN'T SUCK THOSE THINGS OUT.

COULD SOMEBODY PLEASE WRITE

A BOOK ON HOW TO REVERSE

A SHOULDER NIPPLE?

DID A LITTLE SHOPPING FOR MY

MOM.

WHAT'S YOUR NAME RIGHT HERE?

DENISE?

HI.

WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR?

DENISE.

A LITTLE TWITCHY POO.

NICE TO MEET YOU DENISE.

WHEN'S YOUR BIRTHDAY?

NOVEMBER WHAT?

9th?

OH, MY GOD, MY MOM'S AUGUST 1st.

(LAUGHTER)

SMALL WORLD.

SO I GO UP TO THE COUNTER TO BUY

SOME PERFUME FOR MY MOM MY

SISTER.

ALL RIGHT?

I WALK UP THERE, THE LADY'S

STANDING THERE AND SHE GOES,

"MAY I HELP YOU?"

I SAID, "YEAH, I'D LIKE TO BUY

SOME PERFUME."

REAL SNIPPY, SHE GOES,

"WELL, HOW OLD'S THE PERSON

YOU'RE BUYING FOR?"

"WHY, HOW OLD'S YOUR PERFUME?"

(LAUGHTER)

SHE GOES, "NO, NO, NO.

CERTAIN FRAGRANCES FOR CERTAIN

PEOPLE.

YOU DON'T WANT YOUR MOM SMELLING

LIKE A FRENCH WHORE."

(LAUGHTER)

"UH, NO...

THAT'LL BE MY SISTER.

MOM RETIRED LAST YEAR,

THANK YOU."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

I GAVE THE PERFUME TO MY SISTER.

YOU KNOW WHAT SHE DOES?

SPRAYS IT ON HER WRISTS.

I GO, "YOU COMPLETELY MISSED

YOUR NECK."

(LAUGHTER)

I GIVE THE PERFUME TO MY MOM.

SHE SPRAYS IT IN FRONT OF HER

AND WALKS INTO IT.

I GO, "DID YOU THINK YOU WERE

THERE?

WHAT'RE YOU DOING?"

(MAKES SPRAYING SOUND)

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

I CAUGHT HER PUTTING DEODORANT

ON ONE DAY.

(LAUGHTER)

SPEAKING OF DEODORANT I HAVE ONE

ARM PIT THAT SWEATS AND ONE THAT

DOESN'T.

DOES ANYBODY HAVE THAT

PARTICULAR GLAND PROBLEM?

I DO, I HAVE AN ARM PIT AND A

KNEE CAP.

AND I USE THE STICK.

I LIKE THE DEODORANT STICK.

IT'S THE BEST I THINK.

THE THING WITH THE DEODORANT

STICK...

WHAT THE HELL'S SO FUNNY?

YOU DON'T SEE ANY MALES

LAUGHING.

HE HAS WHA-- WHAT?

HE LOOKS LIKE A ROLL-ON,

LOOK AT HIM.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

I GOT A HOUSEKEEPER.

I'M NOT RICH, I'M JUST LAZY.

AND SHE IS THE SWEETEST LADY.

SHE COMES EVERY TWO WEEKS...

I THINK.

I GAVE HER A KEY BECAUSE SHE

CAME AS A REFERRAL AND I TRUST

HER AND I GAVE HER A KEY.

SHE NEVER GIVES ME A WARNING

WHEN SHE--

YOU KNOW, SHE'S A LITTLE

HISPANIC LADY AND SHE SPEAKS

VERY BROKEN ENGLISH.

SHE JUST WALKS DOWN

"GOOD MORNING" AND I'M LIKE

IN MY UNDERWEAR, "GOOD MORNING"

"GOO MORNING."

I GO, "MARTHA, YOU KNOW THERE'S

A 'D' AT THE END OF 'GOO'

RIGHT?"

"SI, SEÑOR, GOO MORNING."

I LEFT THE OTHER DAY I CAME BACK

SHE GOES, "UH, SEÑOR THERE'S A

PROBLEMO.

I WAS CLEAN THE CAFE MACHINE AND

IT'S A BROKE, CAN I HAVE?"

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

"YOU BROKE THE COFFEE MACHINE

AND YOU WANT IT?"

"SI"

"ALL RIGHT.

GO AHEAD."

"GOOD THANK YOU.

I'M GONNA GO CLEAN THE BIG

SCREEN TV."

"NO, DON'T CLEAN THE BIG SCREEN

TV.

(LAUGHTER)

CLEAN THE COBWEBS THAT ARE

AROUND HERE.

I HAVE A LOT OF COBWEBS IN L.A.

YOU KNOW, L.A. HAS A BIG SPIDER

PROBLEM.

THEY REALLY DO.

AND I AM PETRIFIED OF SPIDERS.

I SAW A SPIDER ON THE WALL

I WENT TO HIT IT, IT JUST FELL

AND RAN AWAY.

I WAS LIKE, OH, MY GOD,

HE KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE.

(LAUGHTER)

WHAT DOES A SPIDER DO?

DOES ANYBODY KNOW?

WHAT A...IT'S LIKE THE DULLEST

EXISTENCE.

(EXHALES)

I GOTTA GET NEW CONTACTS.

LOOK AT THE WALLPAPERING JOB

THIS GUY DID.

YEAH, IT LOOKS LIKE REAL BRICKS.

Jackass.

(SIGHS)

WISH I COULD WHISTLE.

NAH, I THINK YOU NEED LIPS.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF I HAVE

LIPS.

(SIGHS)

WHAT AN EXISTENCE.

EVERYBODY JUST STARING AT MY

ASS.

(LAUGHTER)

WHAT'S TOMORROW?

SATURDAY?

I'M NOT DOING (BLEEP) TOMORROW.

SO, I'LL TELL YOU ABOUTMY FREE TIME.

I'M TAKING AN ARCHERY CLASSBECAUSE YOU JUST NEVER KNOW.

(LAUGHTER)I WANNA BE READY.

DID YOU EVER STRING A BOWAND ARROW?

IT'S TOUGH.

I MEAN, YOU GET THE LITTLE ARROWON THE LITTLE NOTCH AND THE

STRING.

IT'S TOUGH STANDING UP,YOU KNOW?

I WOULD HAVE BEEN THE WORSTINDIAN.

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE)

(CHEERING)(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

THAT'S A GOOD BIT TO DO IF YOUHAVE ASTHMA.

YOU MIGHT JUST WANNA TALKAMONGST YOURSELVES FOR A FEW

MINUTES.

BE RIGHT WITH YOU.

I REALLY DO HAVE ASTHMA.

DOES ANYBODY HAVE ASTHMA?

OH, YEAH?

YOU LIKE IT?

(LAUGHTER)I'VE HAD IT SINCE I WAS TWO.

WHEN I WAS A LITTLE KID MYPARENTS SENT ME TO CAMP...

IT WAS AN ASTHMA CAMP.

IT WAS GOOD AT NIGHT WE ALL SANGSONGS AROUND THE HUMIDIFIER.

IT WAS FUN.

DIDN'T EVEN NEED HARMONICAS.

(MAKES WHEEZING SOUND)PLAYED GAMES.

YOU KNOW, FOLLOW THE WHEEZERTHAT WAS GOOD.

PRIMATINE MIST ROULETTE.

SIX INHALERS ONE OF THEM WASFULL OF CAT HAIR.

TRICKY VERY TRICKY.

HIDE AND GO SEEK REALLY SUCKED.

(WHEEZING)"WHY'D WE HAVE TO HIDE IN THE

BUSH?"(WHEEZING CONTINUES)

"SHUT UP AND CLOSE YOUR MOUTH."

(WHEEZING LOUDLY)(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

I DO.

I USED TO HAVE A TOUGH JOB.

MAN I USED TO BE IN JUST HARD

LABOR.

I USED TO BE IN THE RIVERDANCE.

(LAUGHTER)

GOT KICKED OUT FOR USING MY

ARMS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

(IRISH ACCENT) VALENTINE,

WHAT KIND OF CRAP WAS THAT?

USING YOUR ARMS IN THE

RIVERDANCE.

WE DON'T USE OUR ARMS IN THE

RIVERDANCE.

THAT'S WHY IT'S CALLED

RIVERDANCE.

IT MEANS...

NO ARMS...

I THINK.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT MEANS.

ANYWAY, I WANT TO SEE YOU IN MY

OFFICE.

IMMEDIATELY.

RIGHT NOW.

LET'S GO.

C'MON.

YEAH, YOU.

LET'S GO.

(LAUGHTER AND AP

EVERYTHING HURTS.

YOU KNOW THE X-RAY BITE PLATE

THEY ASK YOU TO BITE ON.

WHAT IS THAT?

A BROKEN ASH TRAY THEY'RE

STICKING IN MY MOUTH?

THEN THEY PUT THAT 200 POUND

HORSE BLANKET ON YOUR CHEST.

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA THROW ROCKS

AT ME?

WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?

I HAD THE NITROUS OXIDE FOR THE

FIRST TIME.

IF YOU'VE NEVER HAD THE NITROUS

ORDER IT.

IT'S DELICIOUS.

I'M IN THE CHAIR.

THE DENTIST COMES IN,

PUTS THE MASK ON MY FACE,

TURNS THE MACHINE ON,

WALKS OUT OF THE ROOM FOR LIKE

TEN MINUTES.

(GAS LEAKING SOUND)

(LEAKING SOUND CONTINUES)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

(LEAKING SOUND CONTINUES)

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

HE COMES BACK TEN MINUTES LATER.

I'M NOT EVEN NEAR THE CHAIR.

WHERE WERE YOU?

I PULLED MY OWN TEETH.

THESE ARE DENTURES.

I FOUND THEM IN THE JAR.

NO CHARGE.

HEY, THAT'S IT FOR M

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