Monday, December 1, 2014

  • 12/01/2014

Tom Papa, Dave Hill and Morgan Murphy come up with titles for a racially diverse "Star Wars" film, welcome Garth Brooks to Facebook and write taglines for awful kids' toys.

>> Chris: IT'S 11:59 AND 59SECONDS.

THIS HAPPENED ON YOUTUBE.

WHILE WE WERE ON BREAK JJ ABRAMSSHOWED KIM KARDASHIAN'S BIG

GREASY BUTT WHAT IT'S REALLYMEANT TO BREAK THE INTERNET

WHEN HE RELEASED A NEW TRAILERFOR STAR WARS: THE FORCE

AWAKENS.

WHICH IS THIS.

>> HAVE YOU FELT IT?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Chris: OH, [BLEEP]!

I KNOW.

THE INTERNET RESPONDED THE ONLYWAY IT KNOWS HOW: WITH HILARIOUS

MEMES LIKE THIS ONE.

SEE --

'CAUSE YOU GOTTA HAVE AS MANY ASPOSSIBLE.

I NEED TO OPEN A SPACE BOTTLE.

SO, THEY ALSO HAD UNFOCUSEDOUTRAGE.

NOW, THE NORMALLY QUIET NATIONOF RACIST DOKLYVANIA IS FURIOUS

THAT THE TRAILER STARTS WITH ASHOT OF A BLACK STORM TROOPER.

THEY INSIST THEIR RAGE IS LESSABOUT RACE AND MORE ABOUT

CONTINUITY, LIKE THIS FINEFELLOW ON TWITTER:

STORMSTROOPERS ARE ALL CLONES OFTHE SAME PERSON (JANGO FETT).

NOT RACIST, JUST FOLLOW THE STARWARS LORES.

HASHTAG #BLACKSTORMTROOPERHASHTAG #DOESNTMAKESENSE.

WELL, OKAY, TRAVIS GARDENER, AKATRAVGARD.

LET'S FOLLOW THE STAR WARSLORE.

ALLOW ME TO READ FROM THEOFFICIAL STAR WARS WIKI:

WOOKIPEDIA.

WHERE'S MY HYPE NERD, GET MYHYPE NERD OUT HERE.

>> WHAT UP, WOOKIPEDIA!

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT. LISTEN UP.CHECK IT OUT.

BY THE TIME THE GALACTIC CIVILWAR BEGAN, AN ERNEST JANGO FETT

CLONES WERE HEAVILY SUPPLANTEDBY CLONES BASED ON A VARIETY OF

TEMPLATES AROUND 9 BBY.

>> THAT'S BEFORE THE BATTLE OFYEMEN.

>> Chris: FOLLOWED SHORTLY BYENLISTED YEVIN.

THUS, THE FETT CLONES WEREINRONICALLY REDUCED TO MINORITY

STATUS!>> MINORITY STATUS!

>> Chris: AFTER YEARS OFVIRTUALLY FILLING THE STORM

TROOPER RANKS IN IT'S ENTIRETY.

>> TAKE A BREAK, CHRIS.

TAKE A BREAK.

>> Chris: IN SUMMATION, THEFIRST STORMTROOPERS WERE CLONES

OF JANGO FETT, BUT BY THE TIMEEPISODE VII TAKES PLACE

STORMTROOPERS CLONES OF MANYPEOPLE -- MANY PEOPLE AND MANY

ALIENS AS WELL AS NORMALGALACTIC CITIZENS OF ALL COLORS.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> ALL COLORS! [MIC DROP]

>> Chris: PERSONALLY I THINKMORE RACIALLY DIVERSE STAR WARS

MOVIES ARE GREAT IDEAS.

SO COMEDIANS, WHAT WOULD A ALLBLACK STAR WARS BE CALLED.

TOM PAPA, GO.

>> TYLER PERRY PRINCESS MADEA.

>> Chris: YES.

[ APPLAUSE ]

DAVE HILL.

>> THE RIZA D2.

THANK YOU.>>Chris: MORGAN MURPHY.

>> CLONES, THUGS AND HARMONY.

>> Chris: YES.

IT'S TIME TO START AT MIDNIGHT.

I THINK WE SHOULD START THE SHOWSTRAIGHT FROM TODAY'S HEADLINES.

IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

[ APPLAUSE ]

>> Chris: THIS IS FANTASTIC NEWSFOR YOUR MIDDLE AGE AUNT SANDY.

GARTH BROOKS HAS JOINEDFACEBOOK.

YAY.

THE COUNTRY STAR AND ONE-TIMECHRIS GAINES ANNOUNCED HIS NEW

PAGE IN A DIMLY LIT HOTEL ROOMVID THAT STARTS OFF AS INTENSELY

FRIENDLY YOUTH PASTOR AND RAMPSUP TO A SERIAL KILLER ADDRESSING

HIS PRAY.

>> I REALLY WASN'T SURE ABOUTTHIS AT THE START.

BUT THEN A FRIEND OF MINE SAIDSOMETHING THAT JUST MADE ALL

KINDS OF SENSE.

SHE SAID, THINK OF IT MORE AS ACONVERSATION.

IT ALLOWS US INTO EACH OTHERSWORLDS, OR I GUESS IN MY CASE,

A HOTEL ROOM.

>> Chris: OH.

OKAY, GARTH.

WELL, AS I'M TIED TO THIS CHAIRI CAN'T REALLY SEE WHAT'S OVER

THERE.

BUT WHAT STUFF DO YOU WANT TOPOST, GARTH.

>> COOL STUFF, SLICK STUFF, NEATSTUFF.

>> Chris: WELL ...

WHY -- WHY DID YOU LOCK THEDOOR?

>> SO IF THIS IS TRULY ACONVERSATION, THEN I SAY, LET

THE CONVERSATION BEGIN.

>> OH.

[LAUGHING]

>> Chris: I'M PRETTY SURE HEBURIES HIS FRIENDS IN LOW

PLACES.

COMEDIANS YOU HEARD THE ODDUNBLINKING MAN.

HOW WOULD YOU START YOURCONVERSATION WITH GARTH?

TOM PAPA.

>> CAN YOU SIGN THE ROOM SERVICEBILL AND GIVE ME MY PANTS BACK

SO I CAN LEAVE.

[ APPLAUSE ]

>> Chris: POINTS FOR TOM PAPA.

MR. DAVE HILL.

>> YOU'RE NOT REALLY FRIENDSWITH MY DADDY, ARE YOU

MR. BROOKS.

[LAUGHING]

>> Chris: POINTS.

LOOK, SINCE GARTH AND STARWARS WERE OUR BIGGEST THINGS IN

OUR NECK OF THE INTERNET TODAY,WE HAD TO MASH THEM UP.

WE WERE FORCE TO MAKE THIS.

>> WELL, I GUESS IT'S OFFICIAL.

WE'RE NOW ON FACEBOOK.

THE WALLS OUT BETWEEN YOU ANDME.

I REALLY LIKE THAT.

I WANT TO POST COOL STUFF,SLICK STUFF, NEAT STUFF.

SO IF THIS IS TRULY ACONVERSATION, THEN I SAY, LET

THE CONVERSATION BEGIN.

>> Chris: GARTH BROOKS.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Chris: NEXT ONE.

PRESENTED BY GAME OF WAR FIREAGE, WHICH YOU CAN NOW PLAY FOR

FREE.

HERE'S A LOOK AT THEIR NEWEYE-POPPING TRAILER FEATURING

SPORTS ILLUSTRATED MODEL KATEUPTON.

>> COME AND PLAY WITH ME.

>> Chris: DISCLAIMER.

KATE UPTON WILL NOT COME ANDPLAY WITH YOU, NOR WILL SHE

[BEEP] YOU WHILE PLAYING THISGAME.

I KNOW, SORRY.

COMEDIANS, WHAT IS THE NAME OFTHE SPECIFIC BATTLE IN "GAME OF

WAR." TOM PAPA.

>> THE BATTLE OF TITTIESBERG.

>> Chris: THANK YOU FOR SAYINGTHAT LINCOLN-STYLE.

POINTS FOR TOM.

DAVE HILL.

>> THE BATTLE OF THE BULGE, INMY PANTS.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

IT'S NOW TIME FOR THE HASHTAGWARS.

I MISSED THESE FOR A WEEK.

NOW, I GUESS TECHNICALLY IT'SDECEMBER 2nd.

WHICH MEANS YOU ONLY HAVE 23DAYS BEFORE A CURSED TIM ALLEN

ATTEMPTS TO FORCE HIS WAY INTOYOUR HOME AND LEAVE YOU STUFF

UNDER A TREE.

BECAUSE HE WAS BIT BY THAT RABIDSANTA DURING A FULL MOON.

I DON'T KNOW, I DIDN'T SEE THESANTA CLAUSE.

WITH THAT IN MIND, WE WANT TOHELP YOU GET YOUR CHRISTMAS LIST

GOING WITH TONIGHT'S HASHTAG#XMASLISTIN3WORDS.

SO EXAMPLES MIGHT BE,RESTRAINING ORDER LIFTED.

OR SUNGLASSES, DMT, SWORD.

OR, LIVE TRANSPLANT, HURRY!

I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ON THEOLD CLOCKAROO. GO!

MORGAN MURPHY.

>> MY CHILDHOOD BACK.

>> Chris: POINTS.

TOM.

>> BING CROSBY'S FIST.

>> Chris: IS IT GOING TO FILLYOUR STOCKING?

POINTS.

MORGAN MURPHY.

>> TINDER WITHOUT TIGERS.

>> Chris: POINTS. DAVE.

>> CRIME SOLVING CHIMP.

>> Chris: POINTS.

MORGAN.

>> REAL HUMAN EMOTIONS.

>> Chris: POINTS.

TOM.

>> TRAINS, HOBOS, RAPE KIT.

>> Chris: POINTS.

DAVE.

>> RESUSCITATE THE CLOWN.

Chris: POINTS.

MORGAN.

>> GOOD PERSONALITY VIBRATOR.

>> Chris: POINTS.

DAVE HILL.

>> DESTROY THE EVIDENCE.

BUT NOW IT'S TIME TO PLAY TOYS"R" UPSETTING.

[ APPLAUSE ]

>> IT'S CYBER MONDAY.

SO THAT MEANS PARENTS HAVEFORGOTTEN TO FIST-FIGHT OVER

THEIR HOTTEST KIDS WILL BE STUCKWITH THE ONLINE BARGIN BIN.

I'M GONNA SHOW YOU A BUNCH OFWIDLY INAPPROPROPRIATE

CHILDREN'S TOYS AND FOR 250POINTS, YOU HAVE TO GIVE ME A

TAGLINE TO HELP SELL THEM.

FIRST UP.

IT'S NEVER TOO SOON TO GET YOURDAUGHTER INTO POLL DANCING.

[LAUGHING]

START THEM OFF RIGHT.

DAVE HILL.

>> CHRONIC METH HABIT SOLDSEPARATELY.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS.

MORGAN.

>> GET IT NOW BEFORE IT'SPREGNANT.

>> Chris: POINTS. POINTS.

TOM PAPA.

>> CRIES REAL TEARS.

[LAUGHING]

>> Chris: POINTS.

NEXT ONE.

NEXT ONE.

DADDY SADDLE.

DADDY SADDLE.

YES, DAVE.

>> CREATE A LIFETIME OF SECRETS.

>> Chris: POINTS.

I FEEL LIKE THE POLL TOY COMESAFTER THIS ONE.

MORGAN.

>> DADDY SADDLE, YOU DON'T HAVETO GET OFF UNTIL HE DOES.

>> Chris: BRAVO. POINTS.

>> THAT GET'S A HIGH-FIVE.>> THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

>> Chris: TOM.

>> AT LEAST SOMEONE IN THIS GODDAMN HOUSE WILL GIVE DADDY A

RIDE ONCE IN A WHILE.

DON'T TELL YOUR MOTHER I SAIDTHAT.

>> Chris: OH.

NEXT ONE.

THAR SHE REEMS.

JUST IN TIME FOR THE PENGUINSMOVIE.

DAVE HILL.

>> BECAUSE PENGUINS HAVE HAD ITTOO GOOD FOR TOO [BEEP] LONG.

[LAUGHING]

>> Chris: POINTS.

NEXT ONE.

IF ALL ELSE FAILS, GIVE THATKID A SEVERED ALIEN FINGER.

TOM PAPA.

>> KIDS LOVE IT, BECAUSE ITLOOKS LIKE A DICK.

[LAUGHING]

>> Chris: MORGAN.

>> ET PHONE THIRD BASE.

AS WE JUMP TO OUR NEXT GAME,KIRK OUT, KIRK OUT.

TRUSTED NEWS SOURCE AND SEXYMAN-PICKER PEOPLE MAGAZINE

IS SO DESPERATE TO NOT BE BEATENON ANY STORY, EVEN IF THAT STORY

IS, LET'S SAY, COMPLETELY FALSE.

JUST THIS PAST WEEKEND THEY BLEWTHE LID OFF KIRK DOUGLAS DEATH

STORY BY POSTING THE LATEACTOR'S OBITUARY.

THERE WERE A COUPLE OFINACCURACIES, THE MOST GLARING

BRING KIRK DOUGLAS IS NOTDEAD.

SO COMEDIANS, WHAT ARE SOMEOTHER FACTS IN KIRK DOUGLAS'S

OBIT THAT PEOPLE MAGAZINE GOTWRONG.

60 SECONDS ON THE CLOCK AND GO.

DAVE.

>> ONCE GRABBED A HANDFUL OFCATHERINE ZETA JONES "BY

ACCIDENT."

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT, POINTS.

MORGAN MURPHY.

>> BABYSAT BETTY WHITE.

>> Chris: POINTS.

DAVE HILL.

>> ONE FINGER CATHERINE ZETAJONES "BY ACCIDENT."

>> Chris: I WILL GIVE YOUPOINTS.

MORGAN MURPHY.

>> HIS BALLS ARE SO LONG THEYWERE DIRECTED BY PETER JACKSON.

[LAUGHING]

>> Chris: POINTS.

DAVE HILL.

>> FREQUENTLY CONFUSED HIMSELFWITH DONALD SUTHERLAND.

>> Chris: YES.

POINTS.

TOM.

>> MADE OF REAL COWHIDE.