Chris Rock: Bring the Pain

  • Season 1, Ep 1
  • 05/15/2016

In this one-hour special, Chris Rock gets real about topics ranging from settling down to legalizing crack.

I THINK THEY SHOULD JUST

LEGALIZE CRACK.

LEGALIZE IT.

YOU KNOW WHY I WANT THEM

TO LEGALIZE CRACK ?

JUST SO MY FRIENDS' MOTHERS

CAN HAVE SOMETHING

TO BRAG ABOUT.

YOU KNOW, RONALD GOT HIS OWN

CRACK HOUSE NOW !

CHILD, HE GOT HIS OWN

CRACK HOUSE !

AND I DRIVE BY EVERY DAY, GOING,

THAT'S MY BABY'S CRACK HOUSE,

RIGHT THERE !

THEY GOT JUMBO !

LEGALIZE IT, MAN, ALL DRUGS

SHOULD BE LEGAL.

ALL DRUGS SHOULD BE LEGAL, WHY ?

BECAUSE PEOPLE WANNA GET HIGH.

THAT'S RIGHT.

PEOPLE THINKING ABOUT GETTING

HIGH RIGHT NOW.

PEOPLE ARE LIKE, DAMN, HOW MUCH

LONGER IN THE SHOW ?

PEOPLE LOVE TO GET HIGH, MAN.

YOU COULD GET RID

OF ALL THE ILLEGAL DRUGS

IN THE WORLD,

WON'T MEAN ( bleep ) !

PEOPLE WANNA GET HIGH.

YOU COULD GET RID OF ALL

THE CRACK.

ALL THE HERB, ALL THE BLOW,

YOU KNOW WHAT'LL HAPPEN ?

PEOPLE WILL JUST THINK

OF NEW WAYS OF GETTING HIGH.

THAT'S RIGHT.

GUYS WILL GO IN THEIR BASEMENT

AND BECOME SCIENTISTS.

LIKE, YO, CHECK THIS OUT,

CHECK THIS OUT.

YOU KNOW, IF YOU GET A BABY'S

BOTTLE, RIGHT ?

FILL IT UP WITH A LITTLE

GASOLINE, A DEAD LIMA BEAN

AND SUCK IT,

YOU'LL BE ( bleep ) UP !

PEOPLE ARE FULL OF ( bleep ),

MAN !

PEOPLE SHOOT HEROIN,

AND THEY GO,

YOU KNOW, RED MEAT'LL KILL YOU !

WHAT DO YOU MEAN,

RED MEAT'LL KILL YOU ?

ONLY IN AMERICA

WILL WE SAY SOME ( bleep ) LIKE

RED MEAT'LL KILL YOU.

WE'VE GOT TOO MUCH FOOD

IN AMERICA.

TOO MUCH FOOD.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, RED MEAT'LL

KILL YOU ?

PEOPLE ARE STARVING ALL OVER

THE WORLD.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN,

RED MEAT'LL KILL YOU ?

NO, NO, NO.

DON'T EAT NO RED MEAT ?

NO-- DON'T EAT NO GREEN MEAT,

OKAY ?

WHAT YOU TALKING ABOUT ?

YO, IF YOU'RE ONE OF THE CHOSEN

FEW PEOPLE ON THIS EARTH

THAT'S LUCKY ENOUGH

TO GET YOUR HANDS ON A STEAK,

BITE THE ( bleep ) OUT OF IT !

TOO MUCH FOOD

IN AMERICA, MAN !

WE GOT SO MUCH FOOD--

DO YOU REALIZE AMERICA IS

THE ONLY COUNTRY

IN THE WHOLE WORLD THAT MAKES

PEOPLE FEEL BAD FOR BEING FAT ?

THE ONLY COUNTRY

IN THE WHOLE WORLD !

PEOPLE STARVING

ALL OVER THE WORLD !

IF YOU'RE FAT SOMEPLACE ELSE,

PEOPLE ARE LIKE, DAMN,

HOW'D YOU DO THAT ?

THAT'S AMAZING !

I GOTTA HANG WITH YOU !

OH, YOU THINK YOU'RE ALL THAT,

WITH YOUR FAT ASS !

WELL, I'LL PUT ON SOME WEIGHT,

WE GONNA HANG !

TOO MUCH FOOD IN AMERICA, MAN.

WE GOT SO MUCH FOOD IN AMERICA,

WE'RE ALLERGIC TO FOOD.

ALLERGIC TO FOOD !

HUNGRY PEOPLE AIN'T ALLERGIC

TO ( bleep ) !

DO YOU THINK ANYBODY IN RWANDA'S

GOT A ( bleep )

LACTOSE INTOLERANCE ?

I DROPPED OUTTA SCHOOL.

DROPPED OUT, SORRY.

GOT MYSELF A G.E.D.

YOU KNOW WHAT

"G.E.D." STANDS FOR ?

"GOOD ENOUGH DIPLOMA".

YOU KNOW A G.E.D. IS ( bleep ).

LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT.

I CAN MAKE UP

FOUR YEARS IN SIX HOURS ?

( audience cheering )

YOU KNOW, AS SOON AS YOU GET

YOUR G.E.D.,

SOMEBODY ALWAYS GOT THE NERVE

TO GO,

NOW YOU CAN GO TO COLLEGE !

SLOW DOWN.

I THINK IT'S OBVIOUS HIGH SCHOOL

WAS BUSTING MY ASS.

YOU CAN'T GO TO NO COLLEGE

WITH NO G.E.D. !

ONLY COLLEGE YOU CAN GO TO WITH

A G.E.D. IS COMMUNITY COLLEGE.

YOU KNOW WHY THEY CALL IT

COMMUNITY COLLEGE ?

BECAUSE ANYBODY IN

THE COMMUNITY CAN GO.

A CRACKHEAD, PROSTITUTE,

DRUG DEALER, COME ON IN !

COMMUNITY COLLEGE

IS LIKE A DISCO WITH BOOKS.

HERE'S $10,

I WANNA GET MY LEARN ON !

SO I WAS IN COMMUNITY COLLEGE,

I'M IN THERE.

FIGURED, LET ME TAKE SOME

( bleep ) I KNOW.

SO I TOOK A BLACK HISTORY CLASS.

I GOTTA KNOW THIS, RIGHT ?

I'M BLACK, RIGHT, RIGHT ?

I'LL GET A "B"

JUST FOR SHOWING UP, RIGHT ?

WRONG.

FAILED IT.

AIN'T THAT SOME SAD ( bleep ) ?

A BLACK MAN FAILING BLACK

HISTORY.

THAT'S SAD.

'CAUSE YOU KNOW FAT PEOPLE

DON'T FAIL COOKING !

THAT'S PAPRIKA !

CAN'T CHEAT !

KNOW WHY ?

'CAUSE YOU'RE GONNA GET CAUGHT.

YOU'RE GONNA GET CAUGHT,

I DON'T CARE WHO

YOU ARE, YOU'RE 007,

YOU'RE GONNA GET CAUGHT.

YOU ARE GONNA GET CAUGHT !

AND YOU DON'T WANNA GET CAUGHT.

BOY, I'D RATHER GET CAUGHT

STEALING SOME ( bleep )

FROM THE GOVERNMENT, THAN TO GET

CAUGHT CHEATING ON A WOMAN.

'CAUSE I GOT CAUGHT OUT THERE.

ABOUT FIVE YEARS AGO.

I REMEMBER LIKE IT WAS

YESTERDAY.

A WOMAN FOUND TWO CONDOMS

IN MY POCKET.

BUT IT WAS A PACK OF THREE.

AND ALL I COULD HEAR WAS,

WHERE'S THE OTHER CONDOM ?

WHERE'S THE OTHER CONDOM, WHERE

THE ( bleep ) IS

THE OTHER CONDOM ?

WHERE IS THE CONDOM ?

YOU KNOW, WOMEN ARE JUST LIKE

THE POLICE.

THEY COULD HAVE ALL THE EVIDENCE

IN THE WORLD.

BUT THEY WANT THE CONFESSION.

I KNOW YOU DID IT,

JUST ADMIT IT.

I KNOW YOU DID IT, JUST

ADMIT IT.

I KNOW YOU DID IT, I GOT IT

ON FILM !

I KNOW YOU DID IT,

JUST ADMIT IT !

I FOUND A BLOND HAIR !

YOU WAS ( bleep ) A CRACKER

( bleep ) CRACKER, WASN'T YOU ?

I KNOW YOU DID IT, JUST

ADMIT IT.

CAN YOU BE A MAN ?

CAN YOU BE A ( bleep ) MAN,

AND SAY THAT-- WAS IT GOOD ?

DID SHE TOSS YOUR SALAD ?

I KNOW YOU DID IT,

JUST ADMIT IT !