Pulp Comics: Julia Sweeney

  • Season 1, Ep 0110
  • 12/21/1998

>> Thank you very much.

Hello.

I live in Los Angeles now,

which is--it's interesting.

I love Los Angeles.

It's a very liberal city,

but it's so hypocritical

in what it's liberal about.

Like, you can be driving down

Hollywood Boulevard, see a guy

in lipstick and high heels

wearing a fur coat,

masturbating into a mailbox,

people giving him a hard time

as they drive by,

"Hey, is that real fur?"

"Course not; that's sick."

I'm 34 now, and for the first

time in my life, occasionally,

I'm getting hit on.

Occasionally, not often.

I'm not bragging.

Seldom, but not never.

Somebody--a woman will come into

a bar and start talking to me,

and when I was, like, single

and could actually do something

about it, nothing.

Never--not even--nothing

by accident or mistake.

Nobody came up to me thinking

I was someone else.

Nothing.

And they say it's the

confidence, that if you're not

looking for something, people

sense that, and they become

attracted to you--maybe.

I have no claim on what it is.

I don't even realize that

apparently, I'm floating through

nightclubs like Cary Grant:

"Hello, darling.

So good to see you.

No, I don't have time

for drinks.

Why don't we brunch on Sunday?

And what do you mean, you can't

go because you won't look

fantastic?

You always look fantastic

because you are fantastic.

End of conversation.

I'll see you on Sunday,

darling.

Thank you very much."

The same bar, the same people,

but you're single and looking?

Suddenly you're coming through

a trapdoor in the back with

a big cape, like Vincent Price:

"I couldn't help noticing you

sitting alone at the bar.

Why don't you look at me

when I'm speaking to you?

Look at me.

Look at my face.

They did this to me.

They did this to my face.

Where are you going?

Why won't you dance with me?

Come--you're all doing Jell-O

shots, or I'll kill you."

In one of my favorite movies,

The Pit and the Pendulum,

Vincent Price looks down at this

woman and says, "By the end

of this day, you'll beg me

to kill you."

How cool would it be if your job

allowed you to say that during

the day and actually mean it?

I think hell is probably

your most embarrassing moment

in life repeated over and over

and over.

And I know what that is.

I was--clearly, I remember.

I was a sophomore in college.

My girlfriend was a freshman.

And for Christmas break, we

spent it at her parents' house.

Now, they were very nice people.

They had a big house

in Connecticut.

Dad had a lot of money.

He was a doctor--you know,

invented blood or something.

I don't know.

They were very--they were

very, very nice.

A little stuffy, you know,

like, "Catherine sleeps

in the bedroom.

Dana sleeps on the couch."

>> What do you mean, Dana

has to sleep on the couch?

How can you embarrass me

like this?

I'm not your little girl

anymore.

I'm in college.

I mean, it's not like back at

school, we don't sleep together

every night.

We're practically married.

My God!

>> [sighs]

[tinkly Christmasy music]

Now, everybody, dig in.

There's plenty to go around,

so pile it on.

[dishes clinking]

Dana, you must, uh, work up

quite an appetite

having sex with my baby.

>> [gulps]

>> Mm, sorry, sorry.

Don't know where that came from.

What, honey?

Oh, just a little slip.

Everybody's fine.

Isn't everybody fine?

Mm, by the way,

the roast is delicious, dear.

So, uh, Dana, do you...

well, enjoy having sex

with my baby, hmm? Huh?

Fruit of my loins and now

the bounty of your bed.

Just bouncing her up and down

on the Sealy Posturepedic, huh?

Potatoes?

Candied yams are delectable.

Course, probably not as tasty

as taking a big old bite

out of my baby's buttocks, huh?

Say, I got an idea.

Why don't you two jump up

on this table and have sex

right now?

What do you say, huh?

Hey, Chad-o, clear the table,

boy.

These kids are gonna have sex.

>> No. No.

>> Now, now, now.

Nope, don't be shy.

I won't take no for an answer,

not until you kids et up there

and start goin' at it

like jackrabbits.

>> Please, just...having dinner.

[giggles]

Huh?

[tinkly Christmasy music]

[laughter]

Worst sex I'd ever had.

I went to Scotland and performed

in this place called

the Edinboro Festival,

fulfilling a lifelong dream

of being heckled in Gaelic.

Hi, I'm Dana Gould from America.

[in Scottish accent]

"Screw ye."

I'm sorry; what?

"Screw ye."

Scree ye? I'm sorry?

"Ach, into your ass...

you bastarrrrd."

What?

Everything over there ends

in a strangled "bastard,"

you know.

"And do you take this woman to

be your lawfully wedded wife?"

"Ach, o' course I do.

I known you all my life.

I love you, girl.

Ach, you bastard."

[laughter and applause]

"I now pronounce you man

and wife, you flippin' sods."

I just did a tour

of the Midwest.

I went to Chicago, St. Louis,

Minneapolis, and a couple of

small towns in between--

South Bend, Indiana,

places like that--

and I noticed that every town in

this country, no matter how

small, has a porno shop,

every town, no matter how pious.

Jesus Christ Happyville USA.

They have Main Street,

they have a post office,

and they have a little

corner store in the back...

adult novelties...

marital aids...

open 24 hours.

Oh, that's the one thing

I never understood.

They're all open 24 hours.

When did that start?

"Hey, boss, when do we close?"

"Never.

This is Cleveland, damn it.

People need nipple clamps.

4:00 in the morning on a

Thursday in March, we are here

to meet your nipple needs."

It's nice to live in a country

that has its priorities

straight.

The library's open three hours

a week, and the House of Fist

is 24/7.

[laughter and applause]

to misunderstand me.

I'm not a pessimistic person.

I'm actually quite optimistic.

I bet death is gonna suck.

>> ♪ Oh, yeah, honey, baby.

♪ Oh, yeah, darlin' mama.

♪ Oh, yeah, honey, baby.

♪ Yeah, honey, baby.

♪ Yeah, yeah.

[horn honking]

Aahhh!

[loud crash]

[metal clanking]

>> Hi. [chuckles]

Boy, oh, boy, do you drive fast.

Give me this.

Come on in.

How many times did they have

to tell you, keep your hands

on the wheel at 10:00 and 2:00?

10:00 and 2:00.

Eyes front.

[diabolical laughter]

[maniacal laughter]

>> Where am I?

>> Oh, you died, buddy.

Traffic accident.

Big truck hit car, go boom.

>> Wait; you're Death?

Is--is this Heaven?

>> Oh. Uh-uh.

>> You mean I'm--

>> No, no, no.

Do I look like him?

>> Well, then, where am I?

>> You are in Purgatory.

Remember?

Not bad enough for Hell,

but Heaven doesn't want you yet?

>> Why not?

>> Remember all that stuff

you did in the bathroom

when you were 12?

>> Everybody does that.

>> Wearing your grandmother's

bra? Buddy.

>> All right, all right.

What's my punishment?

What? Do I burn

in a lake of fire?

>> No.

>> Am I eaten by rats?

>> No.

>> You don't scare me, Death.

Do your worst.

>> Do you want to know

what your punishment is?

>> Yeah.

>> Do you?

Do you want to know

what your punishment is?

Well, let's spin

the big punishment wheel.

[organ music]

Your punishment is...

[wheel clacking]

[bell rings]

the rodeo.

>> What?

>> What do you think

Purgatory is, pal?

You know all those crappy jobs

on Earth?

That's people trying to work

their way into Heaven:

meter maids, tollbooth workers,

rodeo clown.

>> I just thought it would be

a little more bizarre.

>> Look, I do have a strip joint

full of horny ventriloquist

dummies, but you really don't

want to go there.

You're gonna be a rodeo clown.

[laughter]

[lively country music]

[screams]

[loud footsteps]

Ouch.

>> Ah, it was your first day.

You did good.

Just try to stay away

from the bull next time.

I've never stopped loving them.

Planet of the Apes is one of

my favorite films of all time.

I'm actually writing a remake,

Planet of the Insecure Apes,

just like the original,

but now the apes are all

really neurotic, you know.

Charlton Heston's still tied up

in his underwear.

"I'm from another planet

in another solar system."

"Do I look fat in these pants?"

"I don't understand."

"Well, bright eyes, it says here

you were discovered in the

Forbidden Zone with Dr. Zira

and Cornelius."

"That's true, Doctor."

"What did they say about me?

They think I'm a jerk.

Well, they can kiss

my monkey butt.

I don't care about that."

"I define who I am.

I know that much."

[chuckles]

Hey, remember the Moon?

Remember the--I mean, the Moon

is still there, but remember

when the Moon was really

important?

We used to go to the Moon every

year, and then we just stopped.

Billions of dollars were spent.

We just quit.

Nobody said anything.

What? Did we just finally come

to the conclusion that maybe the

Moon's not really that great?

Did one astronaut come back?

"Yeah, I went to the Moon.

Sucked."

But you know the Moon sucked

because nobody ever went twice.

They'd always offer them,

"You want to"--

"Oh, no, I'd love to go, really,

but, you know, I'm in the middle

of a root canal.

I'm building a shed

for the kids.

It's a lot of fun.

You go.

You know, little tiny ship.

You pee in a bag.

It's a really good time."

The phone rings

at Alan Shepard's house.

"I'm not here."

But I always really admired

Neil Armstrong when he came down

that ladder: "One small step

for man, one giant leap

for mankind."

And he screwed that up.

That amazed me.

When they did the anniversary

of the Moon landing, I read

in a magazine that he was

supposed to say, "One small step

for a man, one giant leap

for mankind."

And he screwed it up.

And when I read that, I thought,

"Yeah, he never made that up."

You always just assumed,

"Wow, he's an astronaut

and really eloquent."

Yeah, right.

He's a test pilot.

"I'm wearing big shoes,

and there's a lot of stars.

I hope there's no monsters.

I need the bag," you know.,

They were landing on the Moon.

They weren't taking chances.

NASA had a bunch of poets

locked in a room.

"All right, boys, we're landing

on the Moon.

I want something with zip,

something with pep,

something with moxie," you know.

"Oh, I don't know, uh..."

>> What if you died, and you

found out that when you died,

we all went to the same place?

No Heaven, no Hell.

Doesn't matter what you did

in life, you all go to the same

place, regardless.

I know a lot of nice people

who will be really pissed off.

You'll see Gandhi

arguing with the doorman.

"What? What?

Hitler and me

in the same--what?

What the--

Holy mother--

Huh?

I don't believe this.

No. Time out, time out.

I've got to get this straight.

You mean--

The whole time, nothing.

The whole time.

I can't believe--

And I could have--

Do you know I never once

had a really cool car?

Fiddle Faddle, I never ate it,

not even one time.

People would frequently see me

at parties: 'Gandhi,

you look a tad wan.

Enjoy some Fiddle Faddle.'

I would go, 'I must not have

the Fiddle Faddle.'

I could have had

the Fiddle Faddle,

and no one would have cared.

I don't believe--

[laughter and applause]

I mean, passive resistance

is one thing, but compared

to delicious, crunchy popcorn

coated with sweet caramel

and salty peanuts...

Give me a day, one more day.

I want to get a big hooker

and some snow pops."

Or, worse, what if you went

to Hell, and it was exactly

what you thought it would be:

just a cave with fire,

and the Devil really was

this idiot in a red leotard

with a pitchfork?

You would feel like a moron.

"This is it?"

"Yeah, screw you.

I'm the Devil.

Screw you."

[laughter]

"This is Hell?"

"Yeah.

Aaaghhh.

Bet you're hot."

"74."

"It'll be 80 by noon,

Buster Brown."

Well, just remember,

it's easy going through life

putting people down because

they're different than you,

but remember one thing.

No matter who you are

or where you're from,

when we're born, we all

enter the world the same.

We're naked, covered in blood,

and screaming in terror.

And that sort of thing

doesn't have to stop there

if you know how to live right.

The end.

Thank you very much

for coming down.

Good night.

Thank you very much.

[cheers and applause]

>> Are you sure you want

to go through with this?

>> I can't go back to the rodeo.

I can't!

>> Okay.

But I warned you.

[snaps fingers]

[electricity zapping]

>> Let's welcome the sexy

Satin Doll.

[stripper music]

[man snapping fingers]

>> Strip.

>> I'm sorry?

>> Take it off.

>> Where is everybody?

>> It's just me.

Strip! Strip now.

>> I-I don't understand.

>> You heard the man.

The man said "Strip."

>> Don't think.

Just take it off.

Aahhh.

>> [whimpering]

[crying]

>> I told him

he wouldn't like it.

>> Lick it.

Lick it!

Yeah, baby, yeah.

All of it!

All of it.

Let's see that pink tongue.

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