Schimmel, McCullough, Guillory, Mellard, Alonzo, Belleville, Segura

  • 07/05/2007

(applause)

Wow.

Yeah, not that part.

Uh, no one's ever wooedor clapped

in my part of Brooklyn ever.

I am terrified in myneighborhood walking around.

I'm the only onethat looks like me,

if you know what I'm saying.

And, uh... like, I only livefive minutes

from my subway stop,but it take me 20 minutes

to get there 'cause I stop andplay dead every five seconds.

It doesn't work.

Puerto Rican toddlers

are like, "Puto."

I'm so scared walking there

that that's why I likewhen it rains really hard.

It looks like I'm runningfrom the weather...

which is less embarrassing.

And, uh... I have two roommatesand they're gay.

They're a couple and they livein the other room.

When I moved in,my other friends were like,

"Dude, that's goingto be weird."

And actually it's awesome.

It's like livingin Pottery Barn.

I have tealights and potpourriin my bathroom.

How awesome is that, right?

'Cause I used to livewith five straight guys,

and ew.

(laughing)

Our cleaning schedulewas "nope."

'Cause like nowwhen I take a shower

not only is it romantic,the water goes down the drain.

How... right?

Switchin' it up.

Before I don't think

we had a drain in our shower.

The water was alwaysa foot deep

with like a six-inch pond scumon top of it.

We had moss growingup the walls.

When you steamed it up in thereit looked like Cambodia 1967.

One time I was taking a shower

and Martin Sheen's head poppedout of the water behind me.

(laughing)

One time this girl was like,

(whispering):"Let's have sexin your shower."

And I was like, "No."

She was like, "Come on."

I was like, "All right."

That's all it takes.

So, uh... I put onmy galoshes, right?

She says, "Aren't you goingto wear a condom?"

I was like, "You're worriedabout that?"

(laughing)

"You should be worriedabout malaria and Predator.

It's right behind you."

AUDIENCE:Aw...

Oh, thank you.Thank you, lady and dude.

Um, so...

We'd been going outfor two years,

and when you've been going outfor that long, uh,

the breakup is complicated.

You can't do it, first of all,the day you decide to do it.

Nobody is that mentally awesomethat they can pull that off.

It takes days, sometimes weeksof mental preparation

to break up with somebody.

Have you ever completelybroken up with somebody

in your own head

and you kind of forgetto tell them for a few days?

'Cause it feels fantasticand you don't want to ruin it.

They always figure it out.

They're like,"What's going on?!"

You're like,"You're still here?"

So I said that the other night,

and this couplein the front row,

the girl cracked up like

it was the funniest thingshe ever heard.

Her boyfriend was like,"What? I don't get it.

What's going on?Why is that so funny?"

I was like,"Dude, you got two days.

You might want to grabyour CDs."

So, uh...

so the day came, I was goingto do it, right?

I had confidence and a plan.

My plan was keep it shortand get out of there.

My confidence took a dip

when I had to ride my biketo her house.

That is not a powerful vehiclefor a man to arrive on,

especially when her complaintsare, you're immature

and you don't have your(bleep) together.

I'm like, bitch doesn't knowwhat she's talking about.

I'm doing great.

So, uh, this is what I did

to build my confidence back up,right?

When I got to her street...Are you ready for this, sir?

I landed a sweet jumponto her sidewalk, right?

And I stuck it,

and I was like,who's the man?

And then, uh... she's waitingfor me on her stairs.

When I got to her stoop

I skidded my back tiressideways like that

and she was like, "Oh, (bleep)."

And then, uh...

I remembered my plan:keep it short.

So I took a newspaperand I threw it at her face.

And I was like,"This just in: you're out."

And I popped a wheeliedown the street.

It was awesome.

It was fantastic.

(applause)

That's...

uh, that's what she did.

She clapped and criedat the same time.

She was like, "I'm heartbroken,but that wheelie was sick.

"I didn't even knowyou could do that.

Let's reconsider."

So, uh,

the reason we... I broke upwith my ex-girlfriend,

we were fighting all the time,like every day.

And it was never that hardwhen I was growing up.

My first girlfriend, firstof all, we never fought, right?

'Cause I was 14;she was a magazine.

It was really easy.

I'm kidding.

But she was a born-again...

her parents wereborn-again Christians, right?

And they wouldn't let her dateat all, so we would have to...

our entire relationship wasmaking out under the stairs

in the high schoolafter eighth period

for a half an hour every day.

And, uh... about two weeksinto it, I decided to take

the relationshipto the next level, right?

Not emotionally.

And, uh...

so I go to reach my hand downinto her area, right?

If you know what I'm saying.Do you know what I'm saying?

'Cause I'll tell you.All right.

And, uh...

I think you need to tell him.

And, um...

I'm down there, right,it's my first time doing this

and I've no idea what I'm doing,right?

But I want to do a good job

'cause I would liketo be asked back.

So...

I remember, in that moment,I remember my dad always said

whenever you're doing anythingnew, you know, new territory,

just use what you do knowand try to adapt that.

Right?But I'm 14, I'm like,

um... up, up, down, down,left, right, left, right,

B, A, B, A, start.

(applause)

She (bleep) 30 times.

It was unbelievable.

Not lonely, just single.

I decided I should try to getmyself in a relationship.

I started asking all my buddieswho are married

"How do you hang onto your girl forever?"

That's a good question, right?

"How you hang onto your girl forever?"

And they all tell methe same thing.

"Gerard, you want to hang onto your girl forever,

you got to do a lot of stuffyou don't want to damn do."

Right? So I composedand compiled several lists

of the things that I don'tlike to do in life.

And at the top of every listis talking on the phone.

I have never liked talking on...

Do you remember when you werein the seventh grade

when the phone first came out?

Y'all remember that?

We on the phone foreverin the seventh grade, right?

12 years old, you haven'taccomplished a thing in life,

but every time you get home,you run upstairs, slam the door

and talk on the phone.You talk on the phone all night.

Fell asleep on the phonein the seventh grade.

Anybody here ever fall asleepon the phone?

Everybody here fell asleepon the phone.

And this was the conversationthat did it.

"Uh-uh, you hang up first.""No, you hang up first."

"No, you hang up first.""No, you hang up first."

(snoring)

Sleep on the phone.Daddy mad as hell.

"Hang that damn phone upand go to bed.

Wash it off and go to bed."

Hate talking on the phone,especially to women.

'Cause you talk a lot.

You do, and I'm not hereto bash you, it is the truth.

Every man in this room knows it.

As a matter of fact,I don't even do impressions,

but tonight I'm going to doan impression.

Ladies, tonightI am your boyfriend

when he's with his friendand your ass calls.

Everybody got that?I'm your boyfriend.

I'm with my friendsand you call.

Yeah, that was a bad game.

Hold on one second.My phone is ringing.

(bleep)

Hey...

(applause)

It's not a problemthat you talk a lot, ladies.

It is a factthat you talk a lot.

The problem is that y'allare not understanding, aware

from the point at whichyour phone conversation

goes from being just that,mere phone conversation

to start soundingjust like a motorcycle.

Now, fellas, it's the same timeyou're on the other line

considering shooting yourselfin the face.

You can't believe that she's notpaying attention to the fact

that you're notpaying attention to her.

You can't believethat 45 minutes ago

you put the phone down, wentto the garage, changed the oil,

cut the grass,smoked a bag of weed,

came back, picked the phone up,she didn't even know you left.

She's still talking.

"And then..." "And then...""And then..."

(imitates motorcycle revving)

Like, oh, my God, she just dida wheelie in my ear.

She just did the Supermanseat grab in my...

But I want y'all to takethis serious.

This is gonna bethe most serious thing

I tell you all night.

Maybe because of my experience,

you won't have to learnthe hard way.

Fellas, listen to this.

If you live with a woman

and she has a joband you do not have a job...

when she gets up to go to work,

you get up and do something.

(laughing)

Anything.

Just put some work boots on

and sit on the porchuntil she leaves,

you know what I'm saying?

Get your old shirt from when youused to work at Taco Bell,

say "Tony called, said he needsme for the lunch rush."

Make her thinkyou got something to do.

Women don't like itwhen you just lay around

their couch all day.I did not know that.

As much time as I spent at mymother's house, I had no idea.

I was living with this girlfor one month and one half.

She put me right out.You understand that?

She put me right out.

We together... you know,I don't do much during the day.

I'm a comedian.She got a full-time job.

This particular day,she's been gone forever.

She been at work eight hours,been to the cleaners,

the gym, the store,been in traffic both ways.

She been gonefor about 15 hours.

I haven't done a damn thing.Nothing.

I didn't even feel bad about it

until I heard the keyhit the keyhole.

Oh, my God, it was like my mamawas coming home.

The whole day just wentin slow motion.

I'm like, oh...

nnno...

(heavy breathing)

she's... home...

Try to run in the kitchen realquick, cut the hot water on,

act like I'm aboutto wash dishes.

Meet her at the front doorwith a kiss and a lie.

Hey, baby, how was your day?Listen...

before you go in the kitchen,I just want to let you know

I was just about to wash dishes.

That's whythat water's not warm.

I've been staying over therefor a month and a half.

She don't even go to thekitchen, she go straight

to the living room.

"But the back of the TV is hotas a son of a bitch, Gerard.

"PlayStation has got smoke...

"Smoke don't supposedto come off the PlayStation.

You're 35 years old."

And I don't knowif you know somebody

who does play PlayStation.

But I'm gonna tell y'allsomething tonight.

A PlayStation is seriousbusiness, you understand that?

A PlayStation is like dope.

A PlayStation just called you.

Fellas, you can just finishmaking beautiful sweet love

to your girl, you gonnacome up with a lie

to go downstairs and play.

You be like, "Ooh, girl,you wore me out tonight.

"Ooh, you were a tigressin the sack.

Ooh, (yawns) I think I'm gonnago downstairs and..."

(mumbles)

And she knows it,

just like every womanin this room,

as long as the power buttonto the PlayStation

is in the "on" position,

she just slipped to #2on your list of priorities.

And no woman wants to slip.

She don't want to bebehind your mama,

your friends, your career...

certainly not John Madden.

And that's why she always wantto argue with you

when you know you got a housefull of guys playing the game.

And tell the truth, fellas, youdon't want to hear that (bleep).

Game is already on mute.

So now you got to tell everybodyin the house be quiet.

"Shh, y'all hold it down.I got my girl on the phone.

"Be quiet, my, shh,my girl is on the phone.

All right, baby, I'm listeningto you. Go ahead."

Mm-hmm.

You better throw in an "uh-huh."

Otherwise she gonna knowyou playing that game.

Now let me let y'allknow this right now.

Addiction is addictionis addiction.

You cannot uphold and maintaina productive relationship

when you have an addictionof any sort--

crack, heroin, John Madden,same thing.

At some point... that's whypeople who do cocaine,

it's great and fun at first,

but eventually, you'll beforced to react.

And that's why peoplewho do cocaine a lot,

they end up losing everythingthey have.

You be standing down thereby the mailbox

with your last two belongings

trying to figure outwhat the hell just happened.

That's why you never let yourgirl hear the PlayStation

in the backgroundbecause she will snap on you,

you will snap on her,

you'll be outside by the mailboxwith your last few belongings

trying to figure outwhat the hell just happened.

It go just like this.

"I know you ain't playingthat damn John Madden."

You be like, "Look, bitch,let me call you back.

You 'bout to make mehave to punt."

(laughing)"Hit pause, hit pause.

"Look, girl, I didn't meanto call you a bitch.

"I'm just saying...

it's third and 12."

(laughing)

"Look, I don't have a job.

I need this win."

and while I was there, I foundmy old Cub Scouts uniform.

And, sadly, I can still fitin the damn thing. Yeah.

For a second,I actually felt pretty cool.

I looked at myself.I was, like, oh, my God!

I'm the biggest,most badass Cub Scout ever!

And then I just realized thatI am a tiny, tiny man. Yeah.

It's not that funny.

It's sad.

I worked at a pharmacywhen I was 14.

And, in order to get condomsfrom this pharmacy,

you have to ask somebodyfrom behind the counter,

which was awesome for me.

And I remember, at one point,

this older gentlemanasked me for some prophylactics.

And, at that time,

my sexual vocabularywasn't that great, you know?

So I'm checking my word bank

for the closest thing I haveto "prophylactics."

Closest thing I got?

Pterodactyls. Yeah.

I was all confused.

I was, like, "Excuse me, sir.I hate to break it to you,

but those things have beenextinct for 65 million years."

He was even more confused.

He was, like, "Look, kid,I just need some condoms."

And that's when I said,

"Sir, if you're going to have sex with a pterodactyl,

you need to leave."

Because thatis against store policy.

And it's disgusting.

And/or the coolest thingI've ever heard in my life.

Anybody love Valentine's Day?

(scattered cheering)

Who here hates Valentine's Day?

(loud cheering)Yes! Yes!

These are my people! Whoo! Yes!

I hate that.If Cupid were here,

I'd rip off his wingsand punch him in the diapers.

Let's go. Yeah.

Let me tell you whyI hate Valentine's Day.

'Cause, a few years ago,on Valentine's night,

I thought I would havea nice, romantic evening in

with a lady.

But little did I know that,that same night,

her ex-boyfriend thought hewould try to win her heart back.

And, being the sweet,romantic guy that he is,

he thought the best wayto do this

would be to get all coked up...

and then jump through a window

and try to murder me.

Whoo!

Don't "whoo" that.

I know what whatyou fellas are thinking.

Like, why didn't I think of it?I know.

There's always next year.

'Cause, you know what?It worked.

They're still together.It's great.

Don't feel sorry for me thoughbecause, you know,

I got a cash settlementout of the deal.

And I'll tell you thisright now--

getting stabbed actuallypays better than comedy.

So... yeah.

Highlights magazine--best magazine ever.

Am I right? Yeah!

Whoo!

I love that magazine.

It's very educational.

I get my current events from it.

It's great.

I was reading itthe other day though,

and I couldn't get pastthe front cover

'cause on the front cover,it said,

"How many things are wrongwith this picture?"

I was baffled.

I was, like,how about everything?

It's a bunch of beaverswearing flannel,

doing construction.

Yeah, I know.

Clearly some sort of weird,hidden lesbian agenda.

I don't know. It's strange.

If I could go back in time,

I would go to the setof Back to the Future

in a DeLorean,and tell Michael J. Fox

that he has Parkinson's.

(laughter and moaning)

Who... who's moaning, right?

I would go to all that troubleto help him out,

and you wouldjust leave him there?

Shame on you. Awful.

So I read this story onthe Internet about Jim Carrey.

And, apparently, beforehe got all rich and famous,

he wrote his dad a checkfor ten million dollars,

knowing that, someday,he would be successful.

Then he told his dad, "Dad,someday you can cash this."

And since I'm in the biz,

I thoughtI'd write my dad a check

for $80 million,'cause I'm not a pussy.

And then I told my dad,"Dad, someday you can cash this

because I'm goingto rob Jim Carrey."

You guys have been great!

It's really hardbeing a single mom nowadays,

which is whyI don't have children.

I am a blackout drinker though,so that's cool.

I am. I love drinking.

I'm a big drinkerfor obvious reasons.

I'm Catholic.

Catholics...We do nothing but drink.

I mean, that's all we do.

I used to hate,when I was little,

and have to go to church.

I hated church until the day

I discovered wine.

Or what we Catholics callthe "blood of Christ."

I was, like, you give wineto little kids?

Heck, yeah! Love me some Jesus!Bring it on!

What would Jesus do?Get me hammered.

I was up to, like, two bottlesof Christ a day.

I was going to churchall the time. Why?

Because God doesn't check IDs.

It's true.

I'm kind of a tomboy.

I don't like being a chick.

I think certain women...

You messed it upfor me bad, man.

And not all women.

I'm talking to thoseskinny little chicks out there.

The ones who liketo wear underwear

and call it an outfit.

I hate you!

And these chicks,they all have their national

holiday: Halloween.

They all come out on Halloween.

It's always so cute.They're always really cute.

I'm wearing a yellow thong.

I'm a sexy pikachu!

Whoo!

I'm wearing a black bra.

I'm a nun. Party!

And then we all goto the Halloween party,

and all the guysare after the naughty nurse...

the naughty kitten...

the naughty devil.

Where am I? Well,I'm in the corner of the room.

Hey! Who wantsto (bleep) the pumpkin, huh?

Anybody want some pumpkin pie?

Honey, whipped cream!

It's, like, a year later,I'm an M&M.

Melt in your mouth,not in your hands.

What's up?

You know you're out of shapewhen that tires you out.

Yeah. It's crazy.

in Vietnam.

Where all my workersspeak nothing but English.

It's payback time!

I gained 40 poundsin two years,

and no one said a thing.

No one.

Until the day I went to getmy eyebrows waxed by Linda,

who I hadn't seenin over a year.

She's the one that told meI was overweight.

Like she needed to tell me!

The moment I walked in,she was, like,

"Oh, no!

(laughter)

"What happened?!

Oh, you used to be little.Now you are huge!"

Th-Thank you.

Can you wax my eyebrows?

Actually, my goal in lifeis to look like a stripper.

I've decided that strippersare, like,

the hottest-looking womenin the world.

And I meet a lot of strippers,

and they always saythe same thing.

"I'm paying my waythrough medical school."

Now, if that's the truth,why is it

that you never meet a doctorthat used to be a stripper?

You think they'd be everywhere.

I'd advertise it.

Guys would want to go in forcheckups all the time, you know?

It's, like, "Hey, big boy.

Does it hurtwhen I go like this?"

How about this?

Does it hurtwhen I go like this?

Yeah! Yeah!

Daddy's got a big deductible!

Yeah! Yeah!

Stick it in the thong! Ha-ha!

Hundred dollars!

Dr. Peaches says you're healthy!

Like, wow.

My husband's sick again.

It's weird.

That's why I like watching

the late-night phone sexcommercials on TV.

'Cause they're ridiculous.

You always have these, like,five chicks,

and they're always wearingthese, like,

tight, plastic-looking bikinisand things.

And they're always doingsomething weird,

like, they're dancingup and down a barbed wire fence.

(laughter)

For no reason.

And these chicks, they've gottwo, like, best friends,

and their friend's over here,

and they're doingsomething weird,

like bouncing beach balls.

By the barbed wire fence.

So it's always the same

from beginning to end:

you've got these chicks,and they're, like,

(sexy voice):"Oh, yeah...

"I'm a bad girl.

"That's why I'm dancingup and down

this barbed wire fence."

(moans)

And their friend's over here,and they're, like...

(giggling)

"And we like playingwith balls."

(laughter)

Give us a call.Let's talk about your balls.

It's awesome.

That's why I think every companyshould hire these chicks

to do every commercialthere is to make.

So you're, like, watching TV,commercial break, boom,

five chicks in the littletight plastic clothes,

and they're just looking at you,and they're, like...

Oh, yeah...

I like it hot.(giggles)

I like it hot,and I like it fun.

Hot and fun.

That's why I...

go to Chuck E. Cheese.

(laughter)

(woman whoops)

(loud grunt)

Um, yeah!

MAN:Yeah!

That guy!That guy!

(Belleville and others whoop)

This guy right here!

(people whoop)You're just looking at me like,

"He looks like a hobbit.Look at him!

Little hobbity fellowwith his little hair and..."

I don't mind, I'm not tough.

Come, let us awayto the shire, friends.

Ladies, I've gotgiant hairy feet.

I am very hobbity.

I'm not the guywho's gonna be attacking Orcs

with a giant sword, going,"Come on, bring it on!"

I'm gonna be the guyunder the table, crying,

hugging you, going,"I miss home, I miss home, Sam.

Do you rememberthe taste of strawberries?"

That's me.

I'm not tough.

Though I look tough in a kindof Clay Aiken-y kind of way.

I don't have the toughness.Are you with me?

Of course you are.

Uh, this is so...You guys are all drinking.

New York is a placewhere you just kind of...

(whoops):drink a lot.

(people whooping)'Cause you...

Exactly. It's New York.

You don't do...you're not, like,

"I'm in Wichita!Let's get hammered!"

But New York, it's a placewhere you're, like,

"Let's go crazy."

Well, had a little too muchto drink last night,

and I had a pretty bad hangover,and I don't mind hangovers

except for the fact that

it's merely a physical reminderthat you accomplished

nothing productivethe night before.

That's all it is, is your mind

just kind of kicking you, going,"You idiot!"

You never wake up,and you're, like, "Oh, no,

I finished my taxes!"

Never.

"Thanks, Johnny Walker."

Never!

(laughter)

It's always, like,"Oh, I (bleep) the bed.

"I (bleep) the bed again.

That was a bender."

Do you think that pigs are awareof how delicious they are?

'Cause bacon's delicious.Isn't bacon tasty?

Everybody loves bacon,even vegetarians--

they smell bacon,and they're, like,

"Oh, that's the one smellI miss-- bacon!

"Oh, I'd suck a (bleep)for bacon right now!

I would love some bacon!"

Everybody likes...Bacon'll make you order meat

you didn't even want

in the first place.

You're just, like,"You want the chicken sandwich?"

"Not a big fan of ch...""It comes with bacon."

"You know,I might give that a shot.

That sounds likeit's right up my alley."

And pigs are, like, 90% bacon.

You're 90% the most delicioussubstance on the planet.

Pigs are like giant bacon canswalking to Flavor Town.

That's got to suck.

Do you think a pig

ever licks himself to seewhat all the hype's about?

You think... has that ever...?

It's, like, (snorts),

"Why you eating meall the time?

Ah, 'cause I'm delicious!That's why!"

(laughter)

(scattered clapping)

"I'm way too tasty to live!"

(laughter)

That's why pigs are brilliant,

and they cover themselvesin (bleep).

Unfortunately,I've been dating...

I know, I know.

Yeah, check me out.

Uh...

I've been dating the same girlfor a while.

Occasionally we still fight.

'Cause, you know,there's still arguments.

Every relationship,you have arguments.

Because...

the bitches be crazy!

No. Um...

That's not why.

Arguments happen 'cause,as we all know,

inside the women's left ovary--this is just a fact--

there lives a tiny dwarf, um,

who e-mails complaintsdirectly to the mouth

and... it just kind of, like,

uh... and it just, waah,it comes out.

Waah. There's no sense...it's just, like--

"Where were you tonight?Waah?"-- comes out.

No... It's just, that's a fact.

Men don't have ovaries,so we store our complaints

in a tumor in our colon.

That's just... biology.

You can look that up.

Not on the Internet,'cause the Internet's

just a waste of timepretty much anyway.

You ever find what you'relooking for on the Internet?

Never. It's useless. It's filth.

You're, like, "I want to learnhow to make a pie."

You get 12 photos of a guyhitting his balls with a hammer.

You're, like, "What does thathave to do with pi..."

Using the Internet'slike trying to get help

from a retarded librarian.

"Do you have any Stephen King?"

"I pooped in the cupboard."

(laughter)What?

one of the things

that we have in common

in Los Angeles and New Yorkis that either place

you can lookat a beautiful girl...

like you, and you haveto think to yourself,

"Maybe that's a dude."

(laughter)You know?

You don't get that in Missouri,do you? No.

That's big-city stuff, right?

I do love New York. I do.

I was walking down, uh,West 16th Street earlier today,

and this homeless guystarted peeing on my leg.

All right? Now,in all fairness to him,

I think I was standingwhere he normally pees.

(laughter)Okay? Yeah.

So... I don't knowif you'd ever had that.

But I let him finish, all right?

You don't wantto start and stop.

I know that doesn'tfeel good, so...

When he was done, he asked meif I had any spare change.

And I said no, 'cause I didn't.

And then you know what he did?

Then he wished me well--

but in a really creepy kindof way, where you feel like

some (bleep) about to go down.

You know? Where you're, like,"I'm sorry, man.

I don't have anything for you."

"Oh, that's all right, man.

Have a wonderful day."

(laughter, clapping)

"What'd you say to me?What was that?"

"Nothing. I hopeyou have healthy children."

I was, like,"I don't have children.

"I got a 20. Don't everdo that to me again.

That wasn't cool."

You guys ever do this?Don't lie, all right?

You ever (bleep) so big,

you tell yourselfit counts as exercise.

(laughter)

'Cause you're sweating likeyou ran four miles, you know?

And then your friends

call you up, "Hey,let's go get a beer!"

And you're, like,"I think I'm done for today."

I'm gonna lay down.

I had two of those today,everybody.

(one person clapping)

Thank you, sir.Thank you very much.

There's a guy that likes to takea dump right there, everybody.

I saw somethingpretty crazy today.

I saw somebody usinga pay phone.

What a loser, right?

(laughter)

Those things are so outdated.

That's like guys with ponytails.

Holy (bleep)!That's a bold look, yeah?

That is a bold look.

There's only two kinds of guyswith ponytails.

Rapists...

and folksingers.

(laughter)

So if you don't seea banjo, run.

That guy's gonna getcha.

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