Schimmel, McCullough, Guillory, Mellard, Alonzo, Belleville, Segura

  • Season 2, Ep 204
  • 07/05/2007

Julian McCullough talks about mentally preparing for a breakup, and Gerard Guillory explains how PlayStation can ruin relationships.



Yeah, not that part.

Uh, no one's ever wooedor clapped

in my part of Brooklyn ever.

I am terrified in myneighborhood walking around.

I'm the only onethat looks like me,

if you know what I'm saying.

And, uh... like, I only livefive minutes

from my subway stop,but it take me 20 minutes

to get there 'cause I stop andplay dead every five seconds.

It doesn't work.

Puerto Rican toddlers

are like, "Puto."

I'm so scared walking there

that that's why I likewhen it rains really hard.

It looks like I'm runningfrom the weather...

which is less embarrassing.

And, uh... I have two roommatesand they're gay.

They're a couple and they livein the other room.

When I moved in,my other friends were like,

"Dude, that's goingto be weird."

And actually it's awesome.

It's like livingin Pottery Barn.

I have tealights and potpourriin my bathroom.

How awesome is that, right?

'Cause I used to livewith five straight guys,

and ew.


Our cleaning schedulewas "nope."

'Cause like nowwhen I take a shower

not only is it romantic,the water goes down the drain.

How... right?

Switchin' it up.

Before I don't think

we had a drain in our shower.

The water was alwaysa foot deep

with like a six-inch pond scumon top of it.

We had moss growingup the walls.

When you steamed it up in thereit looked like Cambodia 1967.

One time I was taking a shower

and Martin Sheen's head poppedout of the water behind me.


One time this girl was like,

(whispering):"Let's have sexin your shower."

And I was like, "No."

She was like, "Come on."

I was like, "All right."

That's all it takes.

So, uh... I put onmy galoshes, right?

She says, "Aren't you goingto wear a condom?"

I was like, "You're worriedabout that?"


"You should be worriedabout malaria and Predator.

It's right behind you."


Oh, thank you.Thank you, lady and dude.

Um, so...

We'd been going outfor two years,

and when you've been going outfor that long, uh,

the breakup is complicated.

You can't do it, first of all,the day you decide to do it.

Nobody is that mentally awesomethat they can pull that off.

It takes days, sometimes weeksof mental preparation

to break up with somebody.

Have you ever completelybroken up with somebody

in your own head

and you kind of forgetto tell them for a few days?

'Cause it feels fantasticand you don't want to ruin it.

They always figure it out.

They're like,"What's going on?!"

You're like,"You're still here?"

So I said that the other night,

and this couplein the front row,

the girl cracked up like

it was the funniest thingshe ever heard.

Her boyfriend was like,"What? I don't get it.

What's going on?Why is that so funny?"

I was like,"Dude, you got two days.

You might want to grabyour CDs."

So, uh...

so the day came, I was goingto do it, right?

I had confidence and a plan.

My plan was keep it shortand get out of there.

My confidence took a dip

when I had to ride my biketo her house.

That is not a powerful vehiclefor a man to arrive on,

especially when her complaintsare, you're immature

and you don't have your(bleep) together.

I'm like, bitch doesn't knowwhat she's talking about.

I'm doing great.

So, uh, this is what I did

to build my confidence back up,right?

When I got to her street...Are you ready for this, sir?

I landed a sweet jumponto her sidewalk, right?

And I stuck it,

and I was like,who's the man?

And then, uh... she's waitingfor me on her stairs.

When I got to her stoop

I skidded my back tiressideways like that

and she was like, "Oh, (bleep)."

And then, uh...

I remembered my plan:keep it short.

So I took a newspaperand I threw it at her face.

And I was like,"This just in: you're out."

And I popped a wheeliedown the street.

It was awesome.

It was fantastic.



uh, that's what she did.

She clapped and criedat the same time.

She was like, "I'm heartbroken,but that wheelie was sick.

"I didn't even knowyou could do that.

Let's reconsider."

So, uh,

the reason we... I broke upwith my ex-girlfriend,

we were fighting all the time,like every day.

And it was never that hardwhen I was growing up.

My first girlfriend, firstof all, we never fought, right?

'Cause I was 14;she was a magazine.

It was really easy.

I'm kidding.

But she was a born-again...

her parents wereborn-again Christians, right?

And they wouldn't let her dateat all, so we would have to...

our entire relationship wasmaking out under the stairs

in the high schoolafter eighth period

for a half an hour every day.

And, uh... about two weeksinto it, I decided to take

the relationshipto the next level, right?

Not emotionally.

And, uh...

so I go to reach my hand downinto her area, right?

If you know what I'm saying.Do you know what I'm saying?

'Cause I'll tell you.All right.

And, uh...

I think you need to tell him.

And, um...

I'm down there, right,it's my first time doing this

and I've no idea what I'm doing,right?

But I want to do a good job

'cause I would liketo be asked back.


I remember, in that moment,I remember my dad always said

whenever you're doing anythingnew, you know, new territory,

just use what you do knowand try to adapt that.

Right?But I'm 14, I'm like,

um... up, up, down, down,left, right, left, right,

B, A, B, A, start.


She (bleep) 30 times.

It was unbelievable.

It's really hardbeing a single mom nowadays,

which is whyI don't have children.

I am a blackout drinker though,so that's cool.

I am. I love drinking.

I'm a big drinkerfor obvious reasons.

I'm Catholic.

Catholics...We do nothing but drink.

I mean, that's all we do.

I used to hate,when I was little,

and have to go to church.

I hated church until the day

I discovered wine.

Or what we Catholics callthe "blood of Christ."

I was, like, you give wineto little kids?

Heck, yeah! Love me some Jesus!Bring it on!

What would Jesus do?Get me hammered.

I was up to, like, two bottlesof Christ a day.

I was going to churchall the time. Why?

Because God doesn't check IDs.

It's true.

I'm kind of a tomboy.

I don't like being a chick.

I think certain women...

You messed it upfor me bad, man.

And not all women.

I'm talking to thoseskinny little chicks out there.

The ones who liketo wear underwear

and call it an outfit.

I hate you!

And these chicks,they all have their national

holiday: Halloween.

They all come out on Halloween.

It's always so cute.They're always really cute.

I'm wearing a yellow thong.

I'm a sexy pikachu!


I'm wearing a black bra.

I'm a nun. Party!

And then we all goto the Halloween party,

and all the guysare after the naughty nurse...

the naughty kitten...

the naughty devil.

Where am I? Well,I'm in the corner of the room.

Hey! Who wantsto (bleep) the pumpkin, huh?

Anybody want some pumpkin pie?

Honey, whipped cream!

It's, like, a year later,I'm an M&M.

Melt in your mouth,not in your hands.

What's up?

You know you're out of shapewhen that tires you out.

Yeah. It's crazy.

in Vietnam.

Where all my workersspeak nothing but English.

It's payback time!

I gained 40 poundsin two years,

and no one said a thing.

No one.

Until the day I went to getmy eyebrows waxed by Linda,

who I hadn't seenin over a year.

She's the one that told meI was overweight.

Like she needed to tell me!

The moment I walked in,she was, like,

"Oh, no!


"What happened?!

Oh, you used to be little.Now you are huge!"

Th-Thank you.

Can you wax my eyebrows?

Actually, my goal in lifeis to look like a stripper.

I've decided that strippersare, like,

the hottest-looking womenin the world.

And I meet a lot of strippers,

and they always saythe same thing.

"I'm paying my waythrough medical school."

Now, if that's the truth,why is it

that you never meet a doctorthat used to be a stripper?

You think they'd be everywhere.

I'd advertise it.

Guys would want to go in forcheckups all the time, you know?

It's, like, "Hey, big boy.

Does it hurtwhen I go like this?"

How about this?

Does it hurtwhen I go like this?

Yeah! Yeah!

Daddy's got a big deductible!

Yeah! Yeah!

Stick it in the thong! Ha-ha!

Hundred dollars!

Dr. Peaches says you're healthy!

Like, wow.

My husband's sick again.

It's weird.

That's why I like watching

the late-night phone sexcommercials on TV.

'Cause they're ridiculous.

You always have these, like,five chicks,

and they're always wearingthese, like,

tight, plastic-looking bikinisand things.

And they're always doingsomething weird,

like, they're dancingup and down a barbed wire fence.


For no reason.

And these chicks, they've gottwo, like, best friends,

and their friend's over here,

and they're doingsomething weird,

like bouncing beach balls.

By the barbed wire fence.

So it's always the same

from beginning to end:

you've got these chicks,and they're, like,

(sexy voice):"Oh, yeah...

"I'm a bad girl.

"That's why I'm dancingup and down

this barbed wire fence."


And their friend's over here,and they're, like...


"And we like playingwith balls."


Give us a call.Let's talk about your balls.

It's awesome.

That's why I think every companyshould hire these chicks

to do every commercialthere is to make.

So you're, like, watching TV,commercial break, boom,

five chicks in the littletight plastic clothes,

and they're just looking at you,and they're, like...

Oh, yeah...

I like it hot.(giggles)

I like it hot,and I like it fun.

Hot and fun.

That's why I...

go to Chuck E. Cheese.


You know, I live in Los Angeles, and I was thinking

one of the things

that we have in common

in Los Angeles and New Yorkis that either place

you can lookat a beautiful girl...

like you, and you haveto think to yourself,

"Maybe that's a dude."

(laughter)You know?

You don't get that in Missouri,do you? No.

That's big-city stuff, right?

I do love New York. I do.

I was walking down, uh,West 16th Street earlier today,

and this homeless guystarted peeing on my leg.

All right? Now,in all fairness to him,

I think I was standingwhere he normally pees.

(laughter)Okay? Yeah.

So... I don't knowif you'd ever had that.

But I let him finish, all right?

You don't wantto start and stop.

I know that doesn'tfeel good, so...

When he was done, he asked meif I had any spare change.

And I said no, 'cause I didn't.

And then you know what he did?

Then he wished me well--

but in a really creepy kindof way, where you feel like

some (bleep) about to go down.

You know? Where you're, like,"I'm sorry, man.

I don't have anything for you."

"Oh, that's all right, man.

Have a wonderful day."

(laughter, clapping)

"What'd you say to me?What was that?"

"Nothing. I hopeyou have healthy children."

I was, like,"I don't have children.

"I got a 20. Don't everdo that to me again.

That wasn't cool."

You guys ever do this?Don't lie, all right?

You ever (bleep) so big,

you tell yourselfit counts as exercise.


'Cause you're sweating likeyou ran four miles, you know?

And then your friends

call you up, "Hey,let's go get a beer!"

And you're, like,"I think I'm done for today."

I'm gonna lay down.

I had two of those today,everybody.

(one person clapping)

Thank you, sir.Thank you very much.

There's a guy that likes to takea dump right there, everybody.

I saw somethingpretty crazy today.

I saw somebody usinga pay phone.

What a loser, right?


Those things are so outdated.

That's like guys with ponytails.

Holy (bleep)!That's a bold look, yeah?

That is a bold look.

There's only two kinds of guyswith ponytails.


and folksingers.


So if you don't seea banjo, run.

That guy's gonna getcha.