Monday, March 23, 2015

  • 03/23/2015

Vanessa Ramos, Kyle Kinane and Rhys Darby comfort a forlorn piccolo player, #InternetASong, guess why vloggers are crying and fill in the blanks in Deepak Chopra tweets.

RIPPED FROM INTERNET HEADLINES,IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

OH, NEW GRAPHIC! NEW GRAPHIC!

WELL, THE FIRST WEEKENDOF MARCH MADNESS IN THE

BOOKS, PLENTY OF UPSETSINCLUDING NUMBER ONE SEED

VILLANOVA GOING DOWN.

NO ONE TOOK IT HARDER THEVILLANOVA BAND'S POOR PICCOLO

PLAYER.

SHOW ME TINY BAND TEARS!

OH.

(LAUGHTER)

>> OH.

(APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: THIS ONE TIME AT BANDCAMP --

SEE LADIES, YOU WANT TO STARTWITH THE PICCOLO AND WORK YOUR

WAY UP TO THE FLUTE.

AND DON'T FORGET TO WORK THESAX.

THE #PICCOLOGIRL EVENSTARTED TRENDING, TURNING

THIS WOODWIND IN A SOCIALMEDIA STAR AND BIRTHED THIS

REAL SAD REMIX.

♪ ♪

(APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: THE POOR GIRL.

THAT MUSIC MAKES ME SADBECAUSE I PICKED 20th

CENTURY FOX TO WIN IT ALL.

COMEDIANS, WHICH OF THESEPICCOLO GIRL MEMES GOT THE

MOST RETWEETS.

A, HER GETTING THE WHIPLASHTREATMENT.

NOT MY [BLEEP] TEMPO.

B, SHE'S QUEEN OF THE WORLD!

OR C, BEING THE MEAT IN A CREEPYBIDEN/TRAVLOTA SANDWICH.

YES, VANESSA.

>> I THINK IT'S A BECAUSEPEOPLE LOVE RETWEETING THE

WORD [BLEEP] AND TEMPO.

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT, LET'S FINDOUT.

YES, IT'S A, FOR 100 POINTS.

(APPLAUSE)

COMEDIANS, THIS SHOWS HUGEIN THE COLLEGE BAND DEMO, SO

I HAVE TO ASSUME PICCOLOGIRL IS WATCHING. FOR BONUS

POINTS PLEASE SAY SOMETHINGTO THE CAMERA TO HELP CHEER

HER UP.

SHE'S SWEET. KYLE.

>> YOU THINK YOU'RE SADBLOWING YOUR LITTLE HORN,

YOU SHOULD SEE MY GIRLFRIENDON MY BIRTHDAY.

>> Chris: POINTS.

RHYS DARBY.

>> HI.

(LAUGHTER)

IT'S OKAY.

LOOK, SO YOU WILL ALWAYSBE THE GIRL THAT RID THE

TOWN OF RATS.

>> Chris: POINTS.

POINTS.

IN JUST A FEW SHORT MONTHS,SUMMER INTERNS WILL INVADE YOUR

OFFICE TO MESS UP YOURCOFFEE OR REMIND YOU OF

YOUR FLEETING YOUTH GONE BY.

A NEW YORK ADVERTISING COMPANYCALLED MOTEHER RELEASED A

BIZARRE VIDEO TO FIND A NEWGAGGLE OF SUMMER INTERNS.

CHECK IT OUT AND SEE IF YOU MEETTHEIR EXPECTATIONS.

WAF, WAF, WAF, WAF.

>> FRESH MEAT!

WE WANT YOU BECAUSE WE'REHUNGRY.

EVEN IF YOU HAVE BEEN ON THEFLOOR.

>> Chris: FUN FACT: THIS WHOLEVIDEO WAS SHOT ON LOCATION IN A

RON SWANSON FEVER DREAM.

BASED ON THIS VIDEO, WHATARE SOME OF THESE NEW

INTERN'S RESPONSIBILITIES.

RHYS DARBY.

>> THE INTERNS HAVE BEENREQUIRED TO DOT USUAL THING.

THEY'LL, THEY'LL BE SORTINGPAPER CLIPS, CATEGORIZEING

LEAFLETS.

AND AT THE END OF THE YEAR,THEY'LL ATTEND THE ANNUAL

CHRISTMAS DU AND GET TOPARTAKE IN THE PARTING OF

THE MEAT CURTAIN.

>> Chris: YEAH, OKAY

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

I FEEL LIKE THAT PROBABLYMEANS THE SAME THING HERE.

>> THAT'S THE VAGINA, LADIES.

IT'S NOW TIME FOR TONIGHT'SHASHTAG WARS.

THIS VERY DAY YOUTUBE HELDIT'S ANNUAL MUSIC AWARDS,

SO IN HONOR OF THE MEDIUMTHAT GAVE US GANGNAM STYLE,

REBECCA BLACK'S "FRIDAY" ANDCOUNTLESS OTHER SONGS THAT MAKE

YOU WANT TO LIGHT A BAR-B-QUESCEWER ON FIRE AND SHOVE IT IN

YOUR EAR HOLES, TONIGHT'SHASHTAG IS #InternetASong.

#InternetNetASong.

THERE IS THE GRAPHIC FORTHAT.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE "STAY WITHMEME, OR "MYSPACE ODDITY," OR

"DIAL UPTOWN FUNK."

LET'S PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK AND BEGIN!

VANESSA.

>> LADY IN REDDIT.

>> Chris: POINTS.

RHYS.

>> BORN IN THE USB.

>> Chris: POINTS.

KYLE.

>> OKAY COMPUTER, LET ME USETHE INTERNET.

>> Chris: POINTS.

BIG RADIOHEAD FAN.

VANESSA.

>> SWEET CHILD OF MINECRAFT.

>> Chris: POINTS.

KYLE.

>> FOOTLOOSE BY KENNEYLOGON.

>> Chris: HEY, SO WELL DONE.

POINTS.

RHYS.

>> I WANT TO HOLD YOURHANDHELD DEVICE.

>> Chris: POINTS.

VANESSA.

>> DEVIL WITH A BLUE ORWHITE DRESS, DEPENDING WHO IS

LOOKING.

>> Chris: POINTS.

RHYS.

>> WE WILL, WE WILL, WE WILLBLOCK YOU.

>> Chris: POINTS.

(APPLAUSE)

NOW IT'S TIME TO PLAY WHY ISTHIS VLOGGER CRYING?

(APPLAUSE)

ONE OF THE MOST MYSTIFYINGTREND IS PEOPLE RECORDING

VIDEOS OF THEMSELVESS CRYINGAN PUTTING THEM ON YOUTUBE

FOR THE WORLD.

EVERYONE HAS TO LET THEIRSADS OUT SOMETIMES BUT

SOMETIMES THOSE TEARS FLOWFOR RIDICULOUS REASONS.

COMEDIANS, I'M GOING TO SHOW YOUA VLOGGER, AND FOR 250 POINTS,

YOU TELL ME WHAT RIDICULOUSTHING THEY'RE CRYING ABOUT.

FIRST ONE --

IS HES CRYING ABOUT ONEDIRECTION'S NEW MUSIC VIDEO OR

EVERYONE BEING TOO MEAN TOJUSTIN BIEBER.

YES, RHYS.

>> WHO GIVES A [BLEEP]?

(APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: THE CORRECT ANSWERBEING...

>> I'VE BEEN WATING MY WHOLELIFE, FOR LIKE, FOR A MUSIC

VIDEO LIKE THIS.

>> THIS IS WHY WE DON'T HAVETHE INTERNET IN NEW ZEALAND.

BULL (BLEEP).

NEXT ONE.

IS HE CRYING ABOUT HISGIRLFRIEND'S HAIR WEAVE OR

THE "GLEE" FINALE.

KYLE.

>> IT IS EITHER RACIST ORHOMOPHOBIC.

(APPLAUSE)

>> WHICH ONE IS IT?

>> THE "GLEE" FINALE.

>> Chris: LET'S FIND OUT.

>> I CAUGHT THIS BITCH WITHHER WEAVE OUT.

IT IS LIKE, [BLEEP] BOY.

I CAN'T BELIEVE I'VE BEEN[BLEEP] THIS BITCH FOR MONTHS.

>> HE'S NOT FEELING ANY GLEEAT THIS PARTICULAR MOMENT

ABOUT HIS GIRLFRIEND'S HAIRWEAVE.

>> CAN WE POINT OUT AT HOWWHITE THAT CAPTION IS BY

TELLING US IT IS A BLACK GUYAND THEN CLARIFYING THAT

WEAVE MEANS HAIR INPARENTHESIS.

IT'S TIME FOR OUR NEXT GAMEDEEPAK THOUGHTS.

DEEPAK THOUGHTS.

DEEPAK CHOPRA IS NOT JUSTTHE ALIASES I USED TO CHECK

IN THE RED ROOF INN WHEN I'MDOING STAND-UP OR HIDING

FROM THE FBI. DEEPAK CHOPRAIS ALSO A SPIRITUAL GURU WHOSE

HANDS MAY OR MAY NOT BE GLUEDTOGETHER AND WHOSE TWITTER FEED

SAY STEADY STREAM OF MINDWARPING IDEAS LIKE WE EXIST

IN EACH OTHER AS MEMORIES.

THAT'S SOME DEEPAK [BLEEP],RIGHT?

ACTUALLY IT'S JUST A BUNCH OFNEW AGEY STUFF, RIGHT?

I'M GONNA GIVE YOU THE BEGINNINGOF A DEEPAK TWEET, AND FOR 250

POINTS, I WANT TO HEAR YOUFINISH IT.

FIRST ONE, SUCCESS FOLLOWSNATURALLY IF YOU DO WHAT YOU

BELIEVE IN AND BLANK.

RHYS.

>> DO WHAT YOU BELIEVE INAND DRIVE AN AUDI.

>> Chris: YEAH, POINTS.

>> AT LEAST THAT'S WHAT CHIPTOLD ME AT THE AUDI

DEALERSHIP.

>> Chris: YEAH, HE WAS RIGHT.

HE WAS RIGHT.

>> THANKS, CHIP.

>> Chris: POINTS FOR RHYSIE.

NEXT ONE.

WE'RE ALIVE TO LOVE AND BE LOVEDAND TO SEEK BLANK.

>> DAT ASS, CHRIS.

>> Chris: RHYS.

>> AND TO SEEK OUT THOSETHAT HAVE HIDDEN AFTER YOU

HAVE COUNTED TO TEN.

CHECK BEHIND THE GARAGE!

THERE HE IS.

>> Chris: POINTS.

>> FOUND YOU!

>> Chris: WHAT'S IN THERE.

WHAT'S IN THERE?

>> FOUND YOU!

I WAS HIDING.

I WAS HIDING.

I-- YOU CAME AND I FOUND YOU.

WE OFTEN PLAY IN NEW ZEALAND,WE OFTEN PLAY HIDE AND HIDE.

AND YEAH, A LOT OF MYFRIENDS ARE STILL MISSING.

AS WE JUMP TO OUR NEXT GAME KINGOF TWEETS, KING OF TWEETS.

IN AN INTERVIEW WITH "THEWASHINGTON POST," AMERICA'S

GRANDFATHER LARRY KING REVEALEDHOW HE MAINTAINS A TWITTER

ACCOUNT AND SURPRISE! IT'SCOMPLICATED.

FIRST HE OPENS THE FLIPPHONE, HE STORES BETWEEN HIS

SUSPENDER STRAPS AND THENHE CALLS A SPECIAL VOICEMAIL TO

SET UP THE TWITTER AND RELEASE AMESSAGE SAY WAG HE WANTS TO

TWEET, AND THEN FINALLY HISASSISTANT TRASCRIBES IT UNDER

HIS ACCOUNT @KINGSTHINGS.

A PROCESS ONLY SLIGHTLY LESSEXHAUSTING THAN EXPLAINING

PHOTOSHOP TO YOUR MOM.

LARRY IS A WONDERFUL MAN, IHAVE BEEN ON HIS SHOW MANY

TIMES AND I ENJOY HIM BUT ITHINK IT WOULD BE OKAY.

I WANT YOU TO CRAWL INSIDETHE MIND OF LARRY KING AND

LEAVE AS MANY TWITTER VOICEMAILSAS YOU CAN FROM HIS POINT

OF VIEW. 60 SECONDS AND BEGIN.

YES, VANESSA.

>> WHY DO WE PARK IN ADRIVEWAY AND DRIVE THROUGH A

FARMER'S MARKET.

>> Chris: POINTS.

JESUS CHRIS.

RHSY.

>> IT'S LARRY AGAIN, TWEETTHIS, PLEASE.

I SLEEPED THROUGH THE ALARM.

I DREAMT I WAS WORKING IN ANALARM SHOP.

>> Chris: POINTS.

VANESSA.

>> DON'T ASK ME TO PICK MYFAVORITE WORLD WAR BECAUSE I

JUST CAN'T.

>> Chris: OKAY, POINTS.

KYLE.

>> IF IT WAS UP TO ME, IWOULD LOVE TO STOP

SWALLOWING MY OWN TEETH.

>> Chris: POINTS.

RHYS.

>> HEY, LARRY AGAIN.

LOOK, DON'T TWEET THIS.

DON'T TWEELT WHAT I'M SAYINGNOW.

TWEETING THE FIRST PART AND THELAST PART OF THE SENTCE IS BEING

CUT...

HELLO?

>> Chris: KYLE.

>> THE HOTTEST RAPPER TODAYBY FAR IS ZIGGY PIGMALIA.

>> Chris: POINTS. RHYS.

>> OKAY, DON'T TWEET THIS.

DON'T TWEET LOOK, THIS-- I'MSICK OF THIS.

DON'T TWEET EVERYTHING I SAYWHEN I CALL YOU.

TWEET AFTER NOW -- "OH, THESUN'S OUT T MIGHT BE A

FLIP-FLOP DAY."

>> Chris: POINTS.