The A-List
Season 1

Dana Gould & Judy Gold

  • Season 1, Ep 0123
  • 02/24/1992

I HAD AN UNCLEWHO LIVES IN SANTA MONICA.

I DON'T THINK JEWS COULD EVERBE EXPLORERS, QUITE FRANKLY.

I'M GLAD COLUMBUS WAS NOT A JEW.

HE LIVES SO CLOSE TO HEREAND HE SAYS--

I SAID, "THAT'S A RED LIGHT,WE CAN'T GO.

"NO, THAT'S NOT A RED LIGHT,ISN'T THAT A...?

I THINK THAT'S...THAT'S AN OUTHOUSE, ISN'T IT?"

"NO, NO, IT'S A RED LIGHT."

AND WE START DEBATING

WHETHER WAS IT AN OUTHOUSE,WAS IT A RED LIGHT

THEN FINALLY, ALL RIGHT,IT'S A LIGHTHOUSE.

THERE'S... WE CAN GO.

"LET'S GO, UNCLE SOL, COME ON."

AND MY MOTHER...I USED TO TAKE TRIPS

WITH MY BROTHER AND MY SISTERAND MY BROTHER AND MY...

WITH MY MOM AND DADAND... GEEZ.

MY MOTHER'S FIRST CAR WASA CHEVY-- I THINK IT WAS A NOVA.

I'M NOT SURE WHAT IT WAS.

HAD A COMPUTER IN IT, YOU KNOW.

YOU PUT THE KEY IN,IT SAID, "HELLO."

BUT I THINK SHE PUT,FOR ANOTHER HUNDRED BUCKS

LIKE, A JEWISH RABBI IN THERE

THAT WENT, "IT'S DRIZZLING OUT,WHY ARE YOU EVEN LEAVING?"

( laughter )

YOU KNOW.

SO, YOU KNOW, I CAN'T TRAVEL.

I... IT'S A NIGHTMARE.

( laughter )

IT IS!

NO, I'M NOT KIDDING.

WELL, YOU KNOW.

I MEAN, THEY SCREAM, THEY...

I MEAN, MY FAMILY,I SWEAR TO GOD

THEY ARE FOUR ARGUMENTS SHORTOF SYNDICATION, I'M NOT KIDDING.

AND THEN, NOT THAT I'M NOT FUNNY

BUT MY FAMILY, THEY'RE SOBORING, I MEAN, AND I...

AND ANYONEWHO'S WATCHING, YOU KNOW

I DON'T MEAN YOU, YOU KNOW.

BUT WE ACTUALLY WENTTO SAN FRANCISCO FROM JERSEY.

WE PULLED OUT OF THE DRIVEWAY

MY MOTHER WASJINGLING SOMETHING.

I SAID, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"

SHE SAYS, "I HAD THE TOLLS READYFOR THE GOLDEN GATE BRIDGE."

I WENT, "OH, WOW, WHAT A TRIPTHIS IS GOING TO BE."

I LOVE THE...

I LOVE THE SET, IT'S...

IT'S LIKE, WHAT IF MILTON BERLEDESIGNED A BROTHEL?

IT LOOKS LIKE THE SETOF A SHAKESPEAREAN PLAY

BUT AT A REALLY CHEESY THEATER.

LIKE IF THE BURT REYNOLDSDINNER THEATER

DECIDED TO DO SHAKESPEARE.

JULIUS CAESARWITH CHARLES NELSON REILLY.

"BEWARE THE IDES OF MARCH."

( as Reilly: )"IDES OF MARCH-SMIDES OF MARCH.

"WHERE'S BRETT SOMMER?

BRUTUS SAID TO CASSIUS,'STAB HIM WITH YOUR BLANK.'"

( chortling )

THAT'S A GREATNEW THEORY I HAVE

OF ALL THE CLASSICS DONE

BY MODERN,VERY EFFEMINATE ACTORS.

A LITTLE MYTHOLOGY,ARABIAN LEGENDS BROUGHT TO LIFE.

RICHARD SIMMONS AS SINBAD,THE SENSITIVE SAILOR.

( as Simmons: )"IT DOESN'T MATTERTHAT YOU'RE A CYCLOPS."

( laughter )

"IT ONLY TAKES ONE EYETO LOOK IN HERE."

( laughter )

"I DON'T NEED GLASSESTO SEE YOU'RE HURTING."

( laughter )

"HEY, WYATT EARP,TIME FOR A SHOOTOUT

AT THE 'I'M OKAY' CORRAL."

( laughter )

I THINK ALL THOSE OLD MEN...

I'D LOVE TO SEE ALL THOSE OLDSCIENCE-FICTION MOVIES REMADE.

LIKE MODERN POP PSYCHOLOGYTHEORIES, YOU KNOW

LIKE PLANET OF THE REALLY INSECURE APES.

CHARLTON HESTON ALL TIED UP:

( as Heston: )"I'M FROM ANOTHER PLANETIN ANOTHER SOLAR SYSTEM."

( as ape: )"DO I LOOK FAT IN THESE PANTS?"

"WHAT?"

"I HAVE BIG BONES,IT MAKES ME LOOK HEAVY."

"I DON'T UNDERSTAND."

"SO, I UNDERSTANDYOU WERE DISCOVERED

BY DR. ZIRA AND CORNELIUS."

"YES, THAT'S TRUE."

"THEY THINK I'M A JERK?

SCREW THEM, I DON'T NEED THEM!"

( laughter )

UM... FOR THE PAST FOUR YEARS

I'VE BEEN LIVINGWITH THIS WOMAN.

WE'LL CALL HER "ANN."

( laughter )

AND LAST YEAR,JUST BEFORE THANKSGIVING

SHE MOVED OUT AND WE BROKE UP

AND MY FIRST REACTION,REALLY, TYPICALLY, WAS "FINE.

"I HAVE BEEN THROUGH THISTOO MANY TIMES.

"I CAN'T CHANGE YOUR MIND,I CAN'T LIVE YOUR LIFE FOR YOU

"YOU'RE GONE IN YOUR DIRECTION,I'M GOING IN MINE.

"I'M NOT GOINGTO LIVE IN THE PAST.

I'M NOT GOINGTO EMBRACE THE PAIN."

I FELT THAT WAYFOR AN HOUR AND TEN MINUTES

AND THEN-- VROOM--IT WAS LIKE A ROLLER COASTER.

"EVERYTHING WILL BE...

( screaming: )FINE!"

AND THEN...SO THAT HAPPENED, YOU KNOW

WANDERING AROUND MY APARTMENTWITH A BLACK HOOD AND A CANDLE.

( growling )

( laughter )

JUST BEFORE CHRISTMAS

THERE'S A MESSAGEON MY ANSWERING MACHINE:

( as Ann: )"HI, IT'S ME.

"JUST... CALLING TO WISH YOUA MERRY CHRISTMAS

AND I'LL... TALK TO YOUAFTER THE HOLIDAY."

( beep )

( laughter )

WELL, THAT'S NICE.

I MEAN, IT'S NICETHAT YOU CAN HAVE A RELATIONSHIP

AND IT CAN FALL APART

AND YOU CAN STILL STAY IN TOUCHAND NOT BECOME OBSESSED.

( clears throat )

I'M NOT GOINGTO ERASE IT RIGHT AWAY.

( laughter )

I WON'T PLAY IT ALL THE TIME.

IF I HAPPEN TO BENEAR THE MACHINE...

( beep )

"HI, IT'S ME.

"JUST CALLING TO WISH YOUA MERRY CHRISTMAS

AND I'LL... TALK TO YOUAFTER THE HOLIDAY."

"WHAT THE HELL WAS SHEREALLY TRYING TO SAY?"

"HI, IT'S ME.

"JUST CALLING TO WISH YOUA MERRY CHRISTMAS

AND I'LL... TALK TO YOUAFTER THE HOLIDAY."

( beep )

WITHIN AN HOUR I'VE PLAYED IT,LIKE, 500 TIMES

SLOWING IT DOWN, REWINDING IT

ANALYZING ITLIKE THE ZAPRUDER FILM.

HI, IT'S... ( tape rewinding )

"HI, IT'S..." ( tape rewinding )

"HI, IT'S..." ( tape rewinding )

"HOLIDAY... HOLIDAY...HOLIDAY... HOLIDAY."

GOT A MAKESHIFT LABIN THE BASEMENT

TEAMS OF SCIENTISTSGOING OVER THE TAPE.

"HER VOICE GOES UPON 'HI, IT'S ME.'"

( laughter )

THAT INDICATES SHE'S SLEEPINGWITH A BIG GUY NAMED TONY.

( laughter )

OH, YEAH.

( applause )

NOW...

THE FIRST THINGI DID IMMEDIATELY

WAS I WENT OUTAND I BLEW, LIKE, $300.

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I BOUGHT.

YOU'RE JUST RUNNING INTO MALLS--

( teary: )"MY LIFE REALLY SUCKS,BUT IF I GET THIS LAMP

I THINK EVERYTHINGWILL BE GREAT."

( sobbing )

BRING IT HOME, PLUG IT IN.

"MY LIFE STILL SUCKSAND NOW I SEE WHY."

( laughter )

I BOUGHT A CAR STEREO,IT WAS A JOKE.

YOU WALK INTO THE STEREO STORE

WHAT'S THE FIRST THINGTHAT A GOOD SALESMAN DOES?

HE LOOKS IN YOUR EYES...

AND HE FIGURES OUT WHETHER ORNOT YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING.

I SHOULD JUST WALK IN

WITH MY PANTS PULLED DOWNAND MY WALLET OPEN.

( whiny: )"WHAT HAPPENS?

"WHAT HAPPENS?

WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN?"

THE OTHER SALESMEN ARE DOINGROCK, PAPER, SCISSORS

TO FIND OUT WHO GETS ME.

I ENDED UP WITH A USED WALKMANSTUCK TO MY DASHBOARD WITH GUM.

( laughter )

AND IT GOT STOLEN.

HE WAS SORT OFASKING FOR IT, REALLY.

I DON'T LIKE C.D.s, YOU KNOW.

I PREFER TAPES, I REALLY DO.

ESPECIALLY IF YOU'RE TAKINGA LONG TRIP

BECAUSE I LIKE TO MAKEMY OWN TAPES, YOU KNOW.

YOU JUST GET OUTON THE HIGHWAY, YOU KNOW

JUST POP IN A TAPE... ( beep )

( as Ann: ) "HI, IT'S ME.

"JUST CALLING TO WISH YOUA... MERRY CHRISTMAS

AND I'LL... TALK TO YOUAFTER THE HOLIDAY."

( beep )

( laughter and applause )

( sighs loudly )

WELL...

I THINK SO FAR THIS SHOWIS GOING REALLY WELL.

BUT... I'M NOT GOINGTO LIE TO YOU FOLKS.

SHOWS REALLY ARE INTERESTING.

IT'S LIKEA CONVERSATION, REALLY.

AND LIKE A CONVERSATION

IT STARTS OFF REALLY AWKWARD

BECAUSE YOU DON'T KNOWIF I'M FUNNY OR NOT.

I MIGHT BLOW,SO YOU'RE SORT OF EYEING ME.

AUDIENCES STILL HOLDA LITTLE BACK.

I'M NOT SAYING IT'S WRONG.

I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND WHY.

I THINK THE THINGSTHAT YOU THINK

BECAUSE YOU'RE SITTING THERE,AND IT'S, LIKE:

"HEY, DANA!

"NOW, DON'T GET ME WRONG.

"I'D LIKE TO REALLY LAUGH.

"I MEAN, YOU'RE WITTY,YOU'RE INTELLIGENT

YOU'RE VERY ATTRACTIVE..."

( laughter )

( loud laughter )

"BUT I'M NOT GOING TO LIE.

"I'M A LITTLE MESSED UP.

"I MEAN, I'M NOT THE BEST METHAT I WANT TO BE.

"AND HERE YOU ARE MAKING FUNOF WHAT'S WRONG WITH EVERYBODY

"AND SOON YOU'LL TALK ABOUTWHAT'S ALL SCREWED UP ABOUT ME.

"THEN I WON'T WANT TO LAUGH

"AND BY NOT LAUGHINGI LET EVERYBODY KNOW

"THAT THAT'S WHAT'SALL SCREWED UP ABOUT ME.

"I CAME DOWN FOR ONE NIGHTOF ENTERTAINMENT

"AND YOU BLOW MY LIFE SECRETALL OVER THE DAMN ROOM.

"I WOKE UP, I TOOK A SHOWER,I WENT TO WORK

"I CAME HOME, I CHANGED,I CAME HERE

"I PAID TO PARK, I PAIDTO GET IN, I PAID FOR DRINKS

"WHAT DO I GET-- YOUR PROBLEMS?

"OH, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

"APPARENTLY, MY LIFE'SNOT HARD ENOUGH.

"I WOKE UP THIS MORNING

"AND I SAID,'MY LIFE'S GOING SO WELL

"'I HOPE SOME WHINY PUNK COMES

"'AND PUKES ALL HIS TROUBLESDOWN MY GULLET.

"'LET ME PAY A LOT OF MONEY FIRST.

"'YEAH, YEAH, LET ME PAYA LOT OF MONEY

"'SO SOME SNOT-NOSED PUKE

"'CAN REGURGITATEALL HIS TROUBLES DOWN MY THROAT.

"'WE'RE ALL HERE, YOU'RE UP ONSTAGE, DO A DANCE, SING A SONG

SMASH SOME FRUIT WITHA BIG HAMMER-- ENTERTAIN ME!'"

AND I KNOW THEY'RE GOINGTO BE WATCHING

I'LL GET PHONE CALLS,AND... FORGET IT.

I'M VERY PROUD, QUITE FRANKLY,DURING AN ELECTION YEAR

TO BE MAKING A LIVINGDURING A RECESSION.

READ MY LIPS--"RECESSION," BUT...

I BOUGHT A CAR.

THE LAST COUPLE OF YEARSHAVE BEEN-- THANK GOD--

HAVE BEEN GOOD FOR ME,AND AS I'VE TRIED, I SAID.

BUT I STRUGGLED SO LONG

I SAID, "I'M GOING TO BUYONE OF THESE LUXURY CARS"

AND IT TURNED OUTTO BE A CAR FROM HELL--

PARDON MY OWN EXPRESSION

WHICH IS NOW USED IN COTTAGECHEESE COMMERCIALS, BUT...

I'LL GET SUED, BUT THE CAR--I CAN'T SAY THE NAME.

IT RHYMES WITH "MAGUAR," OKAY?

IT RHYMES WITH "MAGUAR."

( laughter )

( applause )

I DON'T HAVE IT ANYMORE,I GOT BLINDSIDED

I WAS DRIVING, A GUY HIT MEDURING A RED LIGHT.

I SWEAR TO GOD.

I'M STAGGERING,THE MAGUAR WAS SHMEARED

AND I SWEAR TO GOD,THIS KID SAYS

"MR. LEWIS, I KNOWTHIS IS A BAD TIME

"BUT COULD YOU GET ME TICKETSTO THE LETTERMAN SHOW?

I'M GOING TO BE IN NEW YORK."

I AM NOT A TRANSVESTITE.

( laughter )

NO, EVERYONE THINKSI'M A TRANSVESTITE.

YESTERDAY, I WENT TO THE GYM

THIS NAKED WOMANHIDES BEHIND HER LOCKER.

THEN SHE LOOKS AT ME, SHE GOES

"OH, SORRY, I THOUGHT YOU WEREA MAN... HA-HA-HA-HA!"

SO I WHIPPED IT OUT,YOU KNOW, I...

( laughter )

SHOWED HER MY GYM I.D. CARDWITH MY PICTURE ON IT.

( hisses )

( laughter )

IT IS REALLY GREAT TO BE HERE.

ACTUALLY, I'M HERE TAPINGANOTHER SHOW IN CALIFORNIA:

NOVA-- THEY'RE DOING A SPECIALON AMAZON COMEDIENNES.

I THINK IT'S GOING TO BEA NICE TV CREDIT.

YOU LIKE MY CURL?

MAYBE I'LL TOUCH YOUR BUTTWITH IT LATER.

ACTUALLY, THE REASONI HAVE THE CURL--

I LIVE IN A FANTASY WORLD,I LOVED THE '60s.

IF I HAD MY OWN TV SHOWIN THE '60s

IT WOULD OPEN UPWITH A BIG THEME SONG:

♪ IT'S JUDY'S SHOW!

AND THEN A BIG SPIT CURLWOULD COME DOWN

I'D COME SLIDING DOWN IT,HANGING ON THE END WAVING.

♪ IT'S JUDY'S SHOW!

( clapping )

ALL RIGHT, ACTUALLY, THERE'SA BIG PIMPLE UNDERNEATH THERE.

I ENJOY BEING TALL.

I REACHED THIS HEIGHT,I WAS 13 YEARS OLD.

I'M WALKING DOWN THE HALLSOF GRAMMAR SCHOOL

EVERYONE'S CALLING ME SASQUATCH.

THEN I'D GO HOME TO MY MOTHER.

"MOM, ALL THE KIDSARE PICKING ON ME IN SCHOOL.

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?"

"JUDITH, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT,THEY'RE JEALOUS OF YOU.

"GO UPSTAIRS, PUT ONYOUR FATHER'S CLOTHES

LEAVE ME ALONE,GET AWAY FROM HERE PLEASE."

WE WENT TO FAMILY THERAPY

BECAUSE MY MOTHERWAS GOING THROUGH MENOPAUSE

AND SHE WOULD CRY ALL THE TIME.

SHE'D BE ON THE COUCHCRYING AND KNITTING.

WE'D GET INTHESE HUGE ARGUMENTS.

WE NEVER TALKED TO EACH OTHER.

WE COMMUNICATED BY PUTTINGANN LANDERS ARTICLES

ON THE REFRIGERATOR.

MOTHER ALWAYS CRYINGTO MAKE US FEEL GUILTY.

SHE'D BE DOING THE DISHES...

THEN WE'D ASK HERWHAT SHE WANTED FOR HER BIRTHDAY

SHE'D SAY THE SAME THINGEVERY YEAR:

"I WANT YOU KIDS TO GET ALONG.

ALL I WANTIS PEACE IN THIS HOUSE!"

( laughter )

( applause )

BUT WE SAVEDA LOT OF MONEY ON GIFTS.

SHE JUST WROTE HERAUTOBIOGRAPHY, TOO, MY MOTHER.

IT'S ENTITLED I CAME, I SAW, I CRITICIZED.

SO PLEASE PICK THAT UP,IT IS AN EXCELLENT BOOK.

PERFECT FAMILYIN THE WHOLE WORLD.

DO YOU REMEMBERWHAT THE FATHER DID?

ARCHITECT-- HE WAS BRILLIANT.

SIX KIDS, TWO BEDROOMS-- THATWAS REALLY INTELLIGENT, HUH?

OH, YEAH, HE WASA BRILLIANT ARCHITECT.

BUT THEY WERETHE PERFECT FAMILY.

THIS SCREWED UP MY HEAD.

MIKE WAS ALWAYS THEREFOR THE KIDS.

I CALL MY FATHER WITH A PROBLEM,HE TURNS INTO ED McMAHON.

I'LL BE LIKE, "DAD, I'M REALLYUPSET, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO."

( as McMahon: )"HEEEERE'S MOMMY!"

WITHOUT LISTENING TO ME AT ALL.

PLUS, HE MISPRONOUNCES THINGS.

HE NEVER LISTENS TO PEOPLE,SO HE ALWAYS SAYS STUPID THINGS.

I WENT HOME FOR HANUKKAH.

WE'RE ALL SITTINGEATING DAIRY PRODUCTS

AND PHLEGMING UP TOGETHER,RIGHT?

JEWS GO ( hawks phlegm )ALL THE TIME.

IT'S FROM THE CREAM CHEESE.

NOW, I KNOW IT'S A BIG SHOCKI'M JEWISH.

JEWISH COMEDIANS-- THAT'S ABIG BREAKTHROUGH FOR OUR PEOPLE.

I FEEL LIKE A PIONEER RIGHT NOW.

DO WE HAVE ANY JEWS HERE?

CAN'T YOU TELL ANOTHER JEWWHEN YOU SEE ONE?

JEWS CAN TELL OTHER JEWS.

IT'S A THING THAT WE HAVETHAT WE CAN'T EXPLAIN.

IT'S JUST LIKE BLACK PEOPLE.

BLACK PEOPLE CAN PICK OTHERBLACK PEOPLE OUT OF CROWDS.

THE VON TRAPP FAMILY SINGERS!

OH, I GUESSTHEY'RE NOT SHOWING UP.

ALL RIGHT, ANYWAY...

( laughter )

I LOVE THE HOLIDAYS.

MY FAMILY DOES ACTLIKE IDIOTS THOUGH.

MY FATHER MAKES THE STUPIDESTMISTAKES WHEN HE TALKS.

MY FATHER SAYS,"I LOVE THAT MOVIE

WE JUST RENTED-- SUNSTROKE."

MOONSTRUCK.

THEN HE CALLS PERRIER WATER"PER-REE-ER," RIGHT

SO HE ASKS MEFOR A "CARAFEE OF PER-REE-ER."

I'M, LIKE, "DAD, DOYOU WANT 'CLOOB SODA'?"

THE GOOD THING ABOUTALZHEIMER'S DISEASE IS

YOU MEET NEW PEOPLE EVERY DAYAND THAT'S A BEAUTIFUL THING.

WE NEVER HUG EITHER.

MY FATHER HUGGED ME ONCE.

IT WAS MY HIGH SCHOOLGRADUATION PARTY.

WHILE I WAS CHOKINGON A COCKTAIL FRANK

BUT THAT'S BESIDES THE POINT.

THE FAMILY VON TRAPP!

( laughter )

YOU KNOW, THEY'RE ON THE LIST.

I DON'T KNOWWHY THEY'RE NOT SHOWING UP.

ACTUALLY, I HAVE TO TELL YOUWHY I'M A LITTLE SCREWED UP.

MY MOTHER WASVERY OVERPROTECTIVE

WHEN I WAS GROWING UP.

SHE WOULDN'T LET USGET A COLOR TELEVISION

BECAUSE IT GAVE OFF RADIATION.

WE HAD TO BEG HER TO GETA COLOR TV, FINALLY SHE GAVE IN

THANK GOD THEY INVENTEDTHE REMOTE CONTROL.

WE HAD NEVER CHANGEDTHE CHANNEL.

WE COULDN'T GET OFF THE COUCHWITH THOSE LEAD APRONS ON.

THE NUTTIEST ONE IN THE FAMILY,THOUGH, IS MY AUNT SELMA.

HER HUSBAND DIED 30 YEARS AGO,SHE CANNOT GET OVER IT.

SHE TURNS EVERYTHINGHE OWNED INTO SOMETHING.

A FEW WEEKS AGO SHE SAYS

"SO, WHAT DO YOU THINKOF THIS NECKLACE?"

I'M, LIKE, "IT'S NICE."

"DAVE'S OLD BELT BUCKLE."

( laughter )

THEN SHE GOES,"WHAT DO YOU THINK

OF THESE LITTLE ROUNDBALL EARRINGS?"

"I DON'T EVEN WANTTO KNOW, OKAY?"

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