Wednesday, November 16, 2016

  • 11/16/2016

James Davis, Arielle Vandenberg and Dan Levy list the possible effects of Donald Trump's proposed import tax, make up #SickBands and give in-store Black Friday announcements.

It's just over a weeksince a furious bird's nest

was elected president,and many peop...

Oh, they're getting outright there.

The birds are getting out.

People are still very afraid

because it's not just civilliberties being threatened.

It's also shiny things.

The Donald has promisedto tax imports from China,

-which could...-Wow.

raise the price of the iPhone,

not to mention his plan to banall iPhones that aren't white.

-Uh, this...-(laughter) -Wow.

-Listen, you know...-(cheers and applause)

These phones...

This potential $50 to $97increase is,

of course,most concerning to liberals

since many Trump supportersprefer to communicate

-through illuminati fluoridebrainwaves. -(laughter)

So, comedians, how elsemight Trump's presidency

affect the new iPhones?

James Davis.

-Now you can grab Siriby the pussy. -All right.

(laughter,cheers and applause)

(imitating Siri):Please don't do that right now.

Uh, Dan Levy.

It works a lot better than youexpected... in the red states.

-HARDWICK: All right.Uh, points. -(laughter)


He'll bring backthe headphone jack,

-and suddenly, everyone willlove him. -DAVIS: Yes.

HARDWICK:Yeah, that's all he's got to do.

-(applause) -Yes.-That's all he's got to do

is put the headphone jack backwhere it belongs.

We need it!

And now, goodly citizens,

it is timefor tonight's #HashtagWars.


As... as fall makesits gentle glide into winter,

it's cold and flu season,

uh, which sucks if you use upall your sick days

to go to Six Flags.

But music heals the heart,

according to a quotewe saw on Instagram

misattributed to Marilyn Monroe,

so tonight's hashtag is#SickBands. #SickBands.

Uh, not sick bands.

#SickBands.Examples might be--

Blink-182-degree fever,

and The Runs-D.M.C.

-I'm gonna put...-(laughter)

60 seconds on the clock,and begin.

-Dan.-Lead Poisoning Zeppelin.

Yes, points. Very good.

-James Davis.-Irritable Bow Wow Syndrome.

Points! Arielle.

-Kanye West Nile Virus.-Points!


Sly & the Kidney Stone.

Yes, points! Very good!

-James Davis.-Chaka Khan-stipation.

(laughter, applause, whooping)


I feel for you. Points.


You Havea 30% Chance the Rapper.

-Yes, points.-(laughter)

-Dan Levy.-Huey Lewis and the (bleep).


HARDWICK:Goddamn it.

-(laughter)-James Davis.

-Boyz II Menopause.-Points! Oh, so good!


Dan Levy.

-Counting Crohn's.-Yes, points.

Dan Levy.

Pink... Eye.

-Good! Points. Points.-(laughter)

-But with an exclamation pointfor the eye? So... -Yeah.

Yeah. Uh, James.

N.W.A., and the "A"is for Alzheimer's.

-All right, points.-(laughter)

But you can't remember whatthe "N" and the "W" are for.

-Huh? -You can't remember whatthe "N" and the "W" are for.

-Huh?-See? There you go.


Uh, grab your folding chairsand brass knuckles

and head down to the mall,because Black Friday

is almost here! I mean, sure,some cowards will tell you

you could probably getthe same flat screen on Amazon

for less the following Monday,

but you knowit'll be so much sweeter

if you also get your nose brokenin a food court

by a guy on a Rascal.

It just makes you feel alive!

You're working for it!

So, comedians,as an employee presiding

over Black Friday madness,I would like you to give me

as many in-store announcementsas you can in 60 seconds.

And begin. Arielle.

Whomever left a small child inaisle seven, he's up for grabs.

Yes, points. Very good.James Davis.

This is President-elect Trump.

Why don't we havea White Friday?

That's something he would say!Points.


Attention, all shoppers,make peace with your god.

Points. James Davis.

You make a weapon out of it,you buy it.

All right, points. Arielle.

There are a few more iPhones inthat teargas cloud over there.

All right, points. James.

Aisles seven through nine haveseceded from the United States.

They are formingtheir own government. Dan.

Attention shoppers,I hate my life.

I should have finished college.

All right, points. Perfect.