Wednesday, January 22, 2014

  • 01/22/2014

Sean O'Connor, Annie Lederman and Julian McCullough create new extreme sports for the X Games, answer autocorrected texts from moms and celebrate Guy Fieri's birthday.

TODAY'S INTERNET HEADLINES IT'S

RAPID REFRESH.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

THE FIRST COMEDIAN TO BUZZ

IN WITH THE CORRECT ANSWER

GETS 100 POINTS.

RIGHT NOW THE EAST COAST IS

UNDER ATTACK FROM WINTER

STORM JANUS.

WAS THAT THE ONE THAT

RUDOLPH GOES TO VISIT IN THE

STOP MOTION ANIMATED CHRISTMAS?

(SLIGHT LAUGHTER)

(BLEEP) YOU GUYS FOR BEING 25

OR UNDER.

THE FIRST MAJOR CASUALTY OF

THE STORM IS NEW YORK'S

ICONIC APPLE STORE.

SEEN HERE IN THIS INSTAGRAM

PHOTO, OH NO, YOU GUYS, ONE

OF THE GIANT GLASS WINDOWS

WAS SHATTERED TODAY WHEN IT

WAS REPORTEDLY STRUCK BY A

SNOW BLOWER, WHICH THE SNOW

BLOWER MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE

SAID MICROSOFT ON IT.

WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING

TWITTER REACTIONS IS REAL?

A) MAYBE THEY'LL JUST USE

IT CRACKED UNTIL THEIR TWO-YEAR

CONTRACT RUNS OUT AND

QUALIFIES THEM FOR A NEW CUBE.

(LAUGHTER)

THEY SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN THE

APPLE CARE.

THEY SHOULD'VE PAID EXTRA TO

GET THE APPLE CARE.

B) LUCKY IT JUST CRACKED.

IT COULD HAVE BEEN WORSE.

THEY COULD HAVE DROPPED THE

STORE IN THE TOILET.

(LAUGHTER)

C) THEY BETTER NOT CLOSE

THE GENIUS BAR, MY TODDLER'S

SECOND iPAD IS ACTING GLITCHY.

YES, JULIAN.

>> A'S TOO FUNNY TO BE REAL, B.

>> LET'S FIND OUT.

THE CORRECT ANSWER WAS, IN

FACT, A.

>> THAT ANSWER WAS LIKE SUPER

NEW YORK.

I LOVE THAT.

>> Chris: THAT IS ABSOLUTELY.

QUALIFIES YOU FOR A NEW CUBE,

SUCK ON THAT, APPLE.

HOW DO YOU LIKE WHEN YOUR

(BLEEP) BREAKS FOR NO REASON?

A VIDEO CLIP FROM "INDIA'S

GOT TALENT" WAS TRENDING

GLOBALLY ON FACEBOOK TODAY.

COMEDIANS, WHAT TYPE OF

PERFORMANCE PRODUCED THIS

REACTION FROM THE "INDIA'S GOT

TALENT" JUDGES?

WAS IT A) A MAN JUGGLING HIS

NEWBORN TRIPLETS.

(LAUGHTER)

B) A HUSKY BOY DRESSED AS A

SOLDIER DOING THE SPLITS.

C) A GRANDMA GRINDING ON A

GAY TIGER.

(LAUGHTER)

I THINK ALL TIGERS ARE GAY.

YES, SEAN O'CONNOR.

>> B, BECAUSE I'VE SEEN THIS

LIKE 25 TIMES TODAY

AND IT'S AMAZING.

>> Chris: YES, THE CORRECT

ANSWER IS B, THERE IT IS.

AND JUST IN CASE YOU GUYS

HAVE TROUBLE CONCEPTUALIZING

THINGS WITH WORDS, LET'S SEE

WHAT THAT LOOKS LIKE.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

#HASHTAGWARS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

THE WINTER X GAMES STARTED

TODAY IN ASPEN.

NOW WITH OFFICIAL EVENTS

LIKE SNOWBOARDING AND UNOFFICIAL

EVENTS LIKE NOT GETTING CRABS

FROM A HOT TUB, IN HONOR OF

TONIGHT'S X GAMES, THE HASHTAG

IS #REALLYEXTREMESPORTS.

SO EXAMPLES OF THIS MIGHT BE

LICE CLIMBING OR SNOW

MOUNTAIN LION RACING OR

DATING A SNOWBOARDER.

I'M GOING TO PUT 60 SECONDS

ON THE CLOCK, GUYS, READY, SET

AND GO.

YES, ANNIE.

>> AUTO EROTIC ASPHYXIATION

GLIDING.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS,

DEFINITELY.

JULIAN.

>> REEL BIG FISHING, IT'S

WHERE YOU FISH AND LISTEN TO

SKA AT THE SAME TIME.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: (BLEEP) BOTH OF THOSE

THINGS BUT I WILL GIVE YOU

POINTS.

YES, SEAN.

>> FREE BASE JUMPING.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS FOR SURE.

ANNIE.

>> DUMPSTER DIVING BECAUSE

MY PARENTS WERE RIGHT,

ROLLERBLADING ISN'T A

PROFESSION.

>> Chris: POINTS.

SOME SPORTS WE'RE NOT

COMFORTABLE WITH, GUYS.

YES, SEAN O'CONNOR.

>> PARKOUR POSING.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: IS THAT JUST GOING UP

ON SOMETHING AND THEN JUST--

>> YES, ON THE WALL JUST

POSING.

>> Chris: I'LL GIVE YOU POINTS

FOR THAT, SURE.

YES, ANNIE.

>> WATER BOARDING.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

SEAN.

>> KNIFE SUCKING.

>> Chris: NO POINTS.

YES, JULIAN.

>> THE MOVIE "SAW," BUT A SPORT.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS, I WILL

GIVE YOU POINTS FOR THAT.

ANNIE.

>> SKY DYING.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: THEY JUST FLY YOU UP

TOP AND THEN YOU--

>> YOU JUST G0.

YOU CAN ACTUALLY JUMP OFF OF

ANYTHING.

MOTHER.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

THANKS TO AUTO CORRECT, MOTHERS

AND TEXT MESSAGING IS A VERY

DANGEROUS/HILARIOUS COMBINATION.

COMEDIANS, I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU

GUYS SOME PRICKLY AUTO CORRECTED

TEXTS MOMS SENT THEIR KIDS

AND FOR 250 POINTS, YOU RING

IN WITH A REPLY.

LET'S BEGIN.

"YOUR FATHER BURNT HIS

PENIS IN THE MICROWAVE.

BURNT PENIS."

WHY IS IT CAPITALIZED?

(LAUGHTER)

SEAN.

>> AH, MAN, ARE WE HAVING DAD'S

DICK FOR DINNER AGAIN?

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: LET'S FIND OUT, LET'S

SEE THE ACTUAL TEXT.

"EW, MOM, WHAT'S THAT SMELL?

YOUR FATHER BURNT HIS PENIS

IN THE MICROWAVE.

BURNT PENIS.

WHAT THE HECK?

BURNT P-CORN.

P-CORN, YOU MEAN POPCORN?

YES, P-CORN."

POINTS TO SEAN O'CONNOR.

>> MOM, I KNOW DAD COOKS

TOO FAST, BUT PLEASE STOP

CALLING YOUR VAGINA

"THE MICROWAVE."

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

ALL RIGHT.

NEXT ONE, "EMOTIONAL AND VERY

HORNY.

BY THE WAY, HOW ARE YOUR

SHOULDERS AND BACK FEELING.

JUST ASKING?"

ANNIE.

>> A LOT WORSE SINCE YOU

TOLD ME THIS.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: LET'S SEE WHAT THE

ACTUAL TEXT SAID.

"I AM LITERALLY GOING TO KILL

MYSELF AFTER READING THAT."

THE MOM IS LIKE "DON'T BE

CRAZY NOW, DON'T BE CRAZY.

MOMMY WAS JUST BEING A

LITTLE EMOTIONAL AND HORNY

FOR A MINUTE."

>> I FEEL LIKE ALL OF OUR

MOMS FEEL LIKE THAT AFTER

THEY READ "50 SHADES OF GRAY".

>> Chris: THAT'S WHAT IT WAS.

THAT IS TOTALLY WHAT IT WAS.

I'LL GIVE YOU POINTS FOR THAT,

ANNIE.

>> NO ONE IS PAYING ATTENTION

TO THE PERSON SAYING THAT

THEY LITERALLY WERE GOING TO

KILL THEMSELVES AND THEN ARE

DYING.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT.

NEXT ONE, "DICK IS COMING IN

MY VULVA.

DICK IS COMING IN MY VULVA,

DICK IS COMING IN MY VULVA

AT 7:00."

YES, ANNIE.

>> STOP NAMING YOUR SEX TOYS

AFTER MY UNCLE.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: LET'S SEE WHAT THE

ACTUAL ANSWER WAS.

"VOLVO, MOM?

YES, VULVA!"

(LAUGHTER)

>> IT'S THE SAFEST VAGINA ON

THE MARKET.

>> Chris: IT REALLY IS.

>> I DRIVE A '97 CERVIX.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS FOR THAT ONE,

JULIAN.

GROUP ON/GROUP OFF.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

GROUPON OFFERS ITEMS THAT YOU

DIDN'T KNOW YOU NEEDED AT PRICES

THAT YOU DON'T KNOW IF THEY ARE

GOOD OR NOT.

JUST THAT OTHER PEOPLE ARE

DOING IT TOO.

BUT WE'RE GOING TO TEST YOUR

SAVVY.

I'M GOING TO READ YOU GUYS TWO

OFFERS AND FOR 250 POINTS YOU

HAVE TO TELL ME WHICH IS THE

ACTUAL GROUPON SALE AND WHICH IS

THE ONE WE MADE UP.

ALL RIGHT.

HERE IS THE FIRST ONE.

IS $16.99 THE COST OF A PAIR

OF WOMEN'S FLUFFY SOCKS

WITH POCKET FOR YOUR PHONE

OR A MOLD OF YOUR OWN

VAMPIRE TEETH CRAFT KIT?

(AUDIENCE SHOUTING SUGGESTIONS)

>> SOCKS, SOCKS!

>> VAMPIRE TEETH, VAMPIRE TEETH!

>> Chris: WELL, THE CORRECT

ANSWER IS IN FACT WOMEN'S FLUFFY

SOCKS WITH POCKET FOR YOUR

PHONE.

I'M SO SORRY.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

THE CROWD MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE

LET YOU DOWN ON THAT ONE.

I COULDN'T UNDERSTAND A (BLEEP)

WORD ANYONE WAS SAYING.

NEXT ONE, OKAY.

WHICH CAN YOU HAVE FOR 9.99?

A ONE-YEAR SUBSCRIPTION TO

"GARDEN & GUN" MAGAZINE OR A

PAIR OF WOMEN'S FLEECE CULOTTES?

(AUDIENCE SHOUTING SUGGESTIONS)

JULIAN.

>> A PAIR OF WOMEN'S FLEECE

CULOTTES.

>> Chris: NO, THE CORRECT ANSWER

IS ONE YEAR SUBSCRIPTION TO

"GARDEN & GUN MAGAZINE."

>> WOW.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: HERE YOU GO, SHOOT THE

(BLEEP) OUT OF THAT PIE.

YES, WE PELICAN.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

THIS IS HUGE BREAKING NEWS.

NOW I DON'T WANT YOU GUYS TO GET

UPSET IF YOU'VE WATCHED

@MIDNIGHT WITH ANY DEGREE OF

REGULARITY, BUT GRANTLAND'S

ZACH LOWE IS REPORTING THAT

THE NEW ORLEANS PELICANS ARE

REDESIGNING THE HEAD OF

THEIR MASCOT PIERRE TO MAKE

THE PELICAN "LESS SCARY."

HOW DARE YOU, NEW ORLEANS!

HOW DARE YOU!

YOU DON'T MESS WITH

PERFECTION!

"HI, EVERYBODY, PLEASE DON'T

LET THEM TAKE MY HEAD OFF.

I HAVE THE PERFECT MOUTH SIZE

FOR KISSING AND/OR

DEVOURING CHILDREN."

WE WANT TO START A PETITION

RIGHT HERE ON @MIDNIGHT TO

SAVE PIERRE.

I WANT YOU TO RUSH TO YOUR

SOCIAL MEDIA DEVICES,

TWEET @PELICANSNBA WITH

#SAVEPIERRE TO KEEP PIERRE

WEIRD.

YES, WE PELICAN!

YES, WE PELICAN!

YES, WE PELICAN!

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