@midnight
Season 1

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

  • Season 1, Ep 01011
  • 01/22/2014

Sean O'Connor, Annie Lederman and Julian McCullough create new extreme sports for the X Games, answer autocorrected texts from moms and celebrate Guy Fieri's birthday.

>> RIPPED IT FROM TODAY'S

INTERNET HEAD LINES IT'SRAPID REFRESH.

(APPLAUSE)THE FIRST COMEDIAN TO BUZZ

IN WITH THE CORRECT ANSWERGETS 100 POINTS.

RIGHT NOW THE EAST COAST ISUNDER ATTACK FROM WINTER

STORMS JANUS.

WAS THAT THE ONE THATRUDOLPH GOES TO VISIT IN THE

STOP MOTION ANIMATEDCHRISTMAS-- [BLEEP] YOU

GUISE FOR BEING 25 OR UNDER.

THE FIRST MAJOR CASUALTY OFTHE STORM IS NEW YORK'S

ICONIC APPLE STORE.

SEEN HERE IN THIS INSTAGRAMPHOTO, OH NO, YOU GUYS, ONE

OF THE GIANT GLASS WINDOWSWAS SHATTERED TODAY WHEN IT

WAS REPORTEDLY STRUCK BY ASNOW BLOWER WHICH THE SNOW

BLOWER MAY OR MAY NOT HAVESAID MICROSOFT ON IT.

WHICH OF THE FOLLOWINGTWITTER REACTIONS IS REAL.

A, MAYBE THEY'LL JUST USEDIT CRACKED UNTIL THE 2 YEAR

CONTRACT RUNS OUT ANDQUALIFIES FOR A NEW CUBE.

(LAUGHTER)THEY SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN THE

APPLE CARE, PAID EXTRA TOGET THE APPLE CARE.

B, LUCKY IT JUST CRACKED.

IT COULD HAVE BEEN WORST,THEY COULD HAVE DROPPED IT

STORE IN THE TOILET.

SEE, THEY BETTER NOT CLOSETHE GENIUS BAR, MY TODDLER'S

SECOND iPAD IS ACTINGGLITCHY.

YES, JULY YAN.

>> A TOO FUNNY TO BE REAL,B.

>> LET'S FIND OUT.

THE CORRECT ANSWER WAS, INFACT, A.

>> THAT IS LIKE SUPERNEWYORK.

I LOVE THAT.

>> THAT IS ABSOLUTELY-- QUALIFIES YOU

FOR A NEW CUBE, SUCK ON THAT,ASS [BLEEP] HOW DO YOU LIKE

IF YOUR [BLEEP] BREAKS FORNO REASON.

THE VIDEO CLIP FROM INDIAGOT TALENT WAS

GLOBAL-- TRENDING GLOBALLY.

WHAT TYPE OF PERFORMANCEPRODUCED THIS REA ACTION.

FROM THE INDIA'S GOT TALENTJUDGES.

WAS IT A, A MAN JUGGLING HISNEWBORN TRIPLETS.

(LAUGHTER)B, A HUSKY BOY DRESSED AS A

SOLDIER DOING THE SPLITS.

C, A GRANDMA GRINDING ON AGAY TIGER.

(LAUGHTER)>> I THINK ALL TIGERS ARE

GAY.

YES, SEAN O'CONNOR.

>> B, BECAUSE I'VE SEEN THISLIKE 25 TIMES TODAY.

AND IT'S AMAZING.

>> YES, THE CORRECT ANSWERIS B, THERE IT.

>> JUST IN CASE YOU GUYSHAVE TROUBLE CONCEPTUALIZING

THINGS WITH WORDS, LET'S SEEWHAT THAT LOOKED LIKE.

TIME FOR TONIGHT'SHASHTAG WARS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)THE WINTER X GAMES STARTED

TODAY IN ASPEN.

NOW WITH OFFICIAL EVENTSLIKE SNOWBOARDING AND

UNOFFICIAL LIKE NOT GETTINGCRABS ARE FROM A HOT TUB, IN

HONOR OF TOP'S X GAMES THEHASHTAG IS A REALLY EXTREME

SPORTS.

FOR EXAMPLE THIS MIGHT BELICE CLIMBING OR SNOW

MOUNTAIN LION RACING ORDATING A SNOWBOARDER.

I'M GOING TO PUT 60 SECONDSON THE CLOCK, READY, SET AND

GO.

>> YES, ANNIE.

>> AUTO EROTIC ASPHYXIATIONGLIDING.

>> YES, POINT, DEFINITELY.

>> JULY YAN.

>> REAL BIG FISHING, IT'SWHERE YOU FISH AND LISTEN TO

SKA AT THE SAME TIME.

>> BOTH OF THOSE THINGS BUTI WILL GIVE YOU POINTS.

>> YES, SEAN.

>> FREE BASE JUMPING FORSURE.

>> DUMP TER DIVING BECAUSEMY PARENTS ARE LATE,

ROLLERBLADING ISN'T A APROFESSION.

>> POINT.

>> SOME SPORTS WE'RE NOTCOMFORTABLE WITH.

SEAN O'CONNOR.

>> HARD-CORE POSING.

>> IS THAT JUST GOING UP ONSOMEBODY.

>> YES, ON THE WALL JUSTPOSING.

>> POSING RIGHT THERE.

>> I WILL GIVE POINTS, SURE.

>> ANNIE.

>> WATER BOARDING.

>> YES, POINTS!

>> SEAN.

>> KNIFE SUCKING -->> NO POINTS.

>> YES, JULIAN WITHIN THEMOVIE SOFT BUT A SPORT.

>> YES, I WILL GIVE YOUPOINTS FOR THAT,.

>> SKY DYING.

(LAUGHTER)>> THEY JUST FLY YOU UP TOP

AND YOU -->> YOU JUST G YOU CAN JUMP

OFF ANYTHING.

IT'S TIME TO PLAY WORD FROM YOURMOTHER, THANKS TO AUTO

CORRECT MOTHERS AND TEXTMESSAGING IS A VERY

DANGEROUS COMBINATION.

COMEDIANS I WILL SHOW YOUSOME PRICKLY AUTO CORRECTED

TEXTS MOM SENT THEIR KIDSAND FOR 250 POINTS YOU RING

IN WITH A REPLY.

LET'S DIFFERENT.

>> YOUR FATHER BURNT HISPENIS IN THE MICROWAVE.

BURNT PENIS.

WHY IS THIS CAPITALIZED?

(LAUGHTER)>> SON, AH, MAN, ARE WE

HAVING DAD'S DICK FOR DINNERAGAIN?

>> LET'S FIND OUT, LET'S SEETHE ACTUAL TEXT.

>> MOM, BURNT PENIS, WHATTHE HECK, BURNT PEA CORN.

>> YOU MEAN POPCORN.

>> YES, P CORN POINTS TOSEAN O'CONNOR.

>> MOMMING I KNOW DAD COOKSTOO FAST BUT PLEASE STOP

CALLING YOUR VAGINA THEMICROWAVE.

>> ALL RIGHT.

NEXT ONE, EMOTIONAL AND VERYHORNY.

BY THE WAY, HOW ARE YOURSHOULDERS AND BACK FEELING.

JUST ASKING.

>> ANNIE.

>> A LOT WORSE SINCE YOUTOLD ME THIS.

>> LET'S SEE WHAT THE ACTUALTEXT SAID.

>> I AM LITERALLY GOING TOKILL MYSELF AFTER READING

THAT.

>> MOM IS LIKE DON'T BECRAZY NOW, DON'T BE CRAZY.

>> MOMMY WAS JUST BEING ALITTLE EMOTIONAL AND HORNY

FOR A MINUTE.

>> I FEEL LIKE ALL OF OURMOMS FEEL LIKE THAT AFTER

THEY READ 50 SHADES OF GRAYWITHIN THAT'S WHAT IT WAS.

THAT IS TOTALLY WHAT IT WAS.

WE'LL GIVE YOU POINTS FORTHAT.

>> NO ONE IS PAYINGATTENTION TO THE PERSON THAT

THEY LITERALLY WERE GOING TOKILL THEMSELVES AND THEN ARE

DYING.

>> ALL RIGHT.

NEXT ONE, DICK IS COMING INMY VULVA.

DICK IS COMING IN MY VULVA,DICK IS COMING IN MY VULVA

AT 7:00.

>> STOP NAMING YOUR SEX TOYSAFTER MY UNCLE.

>> LET'S SEE WHAT THE ACTUALANSWER WAS.

>> VOLVO, MOM.

>> YES, VULVA.

>> IT'S THE SAFEST VAGINA ONTHE MARKET.

>> IT REALLY IS.

>> I DRIVE A '97 CERVIX.

>> GROUPON GROUPOFF.

>> GROUPON OFFERS ITEMS THATYOU DIDN'T KNOW YOU NEEDED

AT PRICES THAT YOU DON'TKNOW IF THEY ARE GOOD OR

NOT.

JUST THAT OTHER PEOPLE AREDOING IT TOO.

BUT WE'RE GOING TO TEST YOURSAVVY.

I WILL READ YOU TWO OFFERSAND FOR $250 POINT YOU CAN

TELL ME WHICH OF THE GROUPONSALE AND WHICH IS THE ONE WE

MADE UP.

ALL RIGHT.

HERE IS THE FIRST ONE.

IT IS 16.99 THE COST OF APAIR OF WOMEN'S FLUFFY SOCKS

WITH POCKET FOR YOUR PHONEOR A MOLD OF YOUR OWN

VAMPIRE TEETH KIT.

>> SOCKS, SOCKS.

>> THE CORRECT ANSWER IS INFACT WOMEN'S FLUFFY SOCKS

WITH POCKET FOR YOUR PHONE.

I'M SO SORRY.

[APPLAUSE] --

(APPLAUSE)>> THE CROWD MAY OR MAY NOT

HAVE LET YOU DOWN ON THATONE.

I COULDN'T UNDERSTAND A[BLEEP] WORD ANYONE WAS

SAYING.

NEXT ONE, OKAY.

WHICH YOU CAN HAVE FOR 9.99.

A ONE-YEAR SUBSCRIPTION TOGARDEN & GUN MAGAZINE OR A

PAIR OF WOMEN'S CULOTTES.

>> JULIAN.

>> A PAIR OF MEN'SCULOTTES.

>> NO, ONE YEAR SUBSCRIPTIONTO GARDEN & GUN MAGAZINE.

>> WOW(APPLAUSE)

>> HERE YOU GO, SHOOT THE[BLEEP] OUT OF THAT PIE.

YES, WE PELICAN.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)THIS IS HUGE BREAKING NEWS.

NOW I DON'T WANT TO YOU GETUP SET, YOU WATCHED AT

MIDNIGHT WITH ANY DEGREE OFREGULARITY BUT GRANTLAND

ZACK LOWE IS REPORTING THATTHE NEW ORLEANS PELICANS ARE

REDESIGNING THE HEAD OFTHEIR MASCOT PIERRE TO MAKE

THE PELICAN QUOTE LESS SCARY.

HOW DARE YOU, NEW ORLEANS!

HOW DARE YOU!

YOU DON'T MESS WITHPERFECTION!

>> HI, EVERYBODY, PLEASEDON'T LET THEM TAKE MY HEAD

OFF.

>> I HAVE THE PERFECT MOUTHSIZE FOR PINCHING OR

DEVOURING CHILDREN.

WE WANT TO START A PETITIONRIGHT HERE ON @MIDNIGHT TO

SAVE PIERRE.

I WANT YOU TO RUSH TO YOURSOCIAL MEDIA DEVICES,

TWEET@PELICANS NBA WITH THE#SAVE PIERRE, YES, WE

PELICANS YES WE PELICANS YESWE PELICANS.

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