I Dated a Robot

  • Season 3, Ep 15
  • 02/01/2008

Fry falls in love with a Lucy Liu robot.

( Rod Serling soundalike ): You're entering a realm which is unusual.

Maybe it's magic or contains some kind of monster.

The second one.

Prepare to enter...

Please send the man round back and pick up Clyde Smith

a professional gambler

who's about to have an unfortunate accident.

( screams )

( bell ringing )

( laughing )

A casino where I'm winning?

That car must've killed me.

I must be in heaven.

( bell ringing )

A casino where I always win.

That's boring.

I must really be...

in hell!

No, Mr. Smith, you're notin heaven or hell.

You're on an airplane.

There's a gremlin destroyingthe plane.

You've got to believe me.

Why should I believe you?

You're Hitler.

No!

Eva Braun, help me.

( screaming )

Saw it coming.

I just saw somethingincredibly cool.

A big floating ball

that lit up withevery color in the rainbow

plus some new onesthat were so beautiful

I fell to my knees and cried.

Was it in frontof Discount Shoe Outlet?

Yeah.

They have a college kid

wear that to attract customers.

Well, I don't care if it was

just some dork in a costume.

For one brief moment

I felt the heartbeat of creationand it was one with my own.

Big deal.

We all feel likethat all the time

But you don't hear usgassing on about it.

How can you people be so blasé?

Here you arein the year 3000 or so

yet you just sitaround like it's

the boring timethat I came from.

Boring?

Wasn't that the period

when they crackedthe human genome

and boy bands roamed the Earth?

Yeah, but now it'sthe distant future.

Why aren't we outdoing everythingI ever dreamed of.

Hey, you know whatmight be a hoot?

No, why wouldI know that?

Let's take the restof the morning off

and take Fry to doeverything

he ever wanted to do.

Everything?

Except that.

So your fantasyhas always been todestroy a planet, huh?

Yeah, what did theyever do for me?

( laughing )

Wow. The mosthumdrum activities

seem almost excitingthrough your eyes.

What shouldwe do next?

I want to see the edgeof the universe.

Ooh, that sounds cool.

It's funny--you live in the universe

but you never dothese things

till someone comes to visit.

FARNSWORTH There it is-- the edge of the universe.

Far out.

So there's an infinite numberof parallel universes?

No, just the two.

Oh, well, I'm surethat's enough.

I'm sick of parallel Bender

lording his cowboy hatover me.

Let's more ontoFry's next fantasy.

( roaring )

Yee-haw!

Bow before your master,puny mortals.

Whoo! Giddy-up!

(laughing, whooping)

Mommy, why isthat man like that.

Don't look at him.

That was fun.

Let's give him a treat.

Keep your palms flat.

( pig squealing )

( laughing )

The tongue tickles.

These new hands are great.

I'm going to breakthem in tonight.

Yes, it's been quitean hour and a half.

I've only gottwo fantasies left--

to be invisible in achocolate factory

and to be romantically linkedwith a celebrity.

I could poundyour head

till you thinkthat's what happened.

Okay.

Wait, hold on.

It is actually possible to meetany celebrity you want.

It is?Of course.

You should reada blimp sometime.

What part of thatdo I understand?

It's simple.

You can downloada celebrity'spersonality

and appearanceinto a blank robot.

Hey, I have an idea.Let's do that.

Onto the Internet you go.

Oh, and whileyou're there

pick me up a fewcredit card numbers.

( beep )

No way.

Kirk couldkick Picard's ass.

At least Picardhad the guts

to admit he was bald.

What?

You takethat back.

Ooh, eBay.

Are there no further bids

for this exquisite galaxy?

Sold to the being ofinconceivable horror.

( evil laughter )

Will a money order be okay?

Yes.

( evil laughter )

So where'sthe celebritydating place?

Let's search the web.

Over there.

Welcome to Nappster.

Let's see what celebritieswe've got in stock.

Can I interest youin Gwyneth Paltrow?

Nah.

I read in Newsweek thatshe drinks human blood.

And, uh, howabout Cleopatra

who's beauty destroyedmighty empires?

I'd prefer someone fromthe era of shaved underarms.

Do you have anything with moreof a Lucy Liu feel to it?

Nothing like that.

Although, we dohave Lucy Liu.

( gasps )

Only woman to be named People magazine's

"Sexiest Womanof The Year" twice.

In 2003 and thenagain in 2063.

I'd like the 2003 model.

Wahoo.I found her.

What do I do now?

Download her.

Let's just put a blank robotin the drive.

( gasps )

It worked.

You're one sexy man...

( monotone ):Philip J. Fry.

( Fry muffled ):It worked perfectly.

Well, youdownloadedLucy Liu.

Are you just goingto stare vacantly at her

and not say anything?

( nervous giggle )

I find your slack-jawed starevery attractive...

( monotone ):Philip J. Fry.

Did you hear that?She likes me.

Well, duh. She'sprogrammed to like you.

But this is Lucy Liu--

perhaps the only goodactress of the 21st century.

She's more than justa piece of software.

Would you like to takea moment to register me?

Uh, not right now.

I'll remind you later,you hot stud you.

So, uh, what doyou feel like doing?

Would you like to takea moment to register me?

I said later.

And then whenI feel so stuffed

I can't eat anymore

I just usethe restroom

and then Ican eat more.

You should writea book, Fry.

People needto know about the...

( monotone ):can eat more.

Oh, Lucy.

You're just likeI always thought you'd be

from your movies.

My personality is mathematicallyderived from my movies

proportionally weightedby box office receipts.

♪ Ah, ah,I'm just a love machine ♪

♪ And I won't workfor nobody but you ♪

♪ I'm just a love machine ♪

♪ Yeah, baby ♪

♪ A huggin' kissin' fiend ♪

♪ I'm just a love machine ♪

♪ And I won't workfor nobody but you ♪

♪ Yeah, baby ♪

♪ I'm just a love machine ♪

♪ A huggin' kissin' fiend. ♪

You're cute.

You're cute.

You.You.

You.You.

You.You.

Oh, dear.

She's stuck inan infinite loop

and he's an idiot.

Well, that'slove for you.

Humans datingrobots is sick.

You people wonder whyI'm still single?

It's because all thefine robot sistersare dating humans.

Bender, thisis Fry's decision.

And he made it wrong

so it's time forus to interferein his life.

She doesn'treally love you.

She can't.

She's just a machine that...

Stay away from our women.

You've gotmetal fever, boy.

Metal fever.

Well, so what if I love a robot?

It's not hurting anybody.

My, God, he never tookmiddle school hygiene.

He never sawthe propaganda film.

It's just lucky I keep a copyin the VCR at all times.

( dramatic theme playing )

Ordinary human dating.

It's enjoyable and itserves an important purpose.

( baby crying )

But when a human datesan artificial mate

there is no purpose,only enjoyment.

And that leads to... tragedy.

Neato.

A Marilyn Mon-Robot.

Ooh, you're a real dream boat...

( monotone ):Billy Everyteen.

Harmless fun?

Let's see what happens next.

Billy, do you wantto walk your dog?

No thanks, Mom.

I'd rather make outwith my Mon-Robot.

Billy, do you wantto get a paper route

and earnsome extra cash?

No thanks, Dad.

I'd rather make outwith my Mon-Robot.

Billy, do you wantto come over tonight?

We could make outtogether.

Gee, Mavis, your houseis across the street.

That's an awfullylong way to gofor making out.

Did you noticewhat went wrongin that scene?

Ordinarily Billywould work hard

to make moneywith his paper route

then he'd use the moneyto buy dinner for Mavis

thus earninga slim chance

to perform thereproductive act.

But in a world where teenscan date robots

why should he bother?

Why should anyone bother?

Let's take a look at Billy'splanet a year later.

Where are all the football stars?

And where all the biochemists?

They're trapped.

Trapped in the soft vice-like grip of robot lips.

All civilization was just an effort

to impress the opposite sex.

And sometimes the same sex.

Now, let's skip forward

80 years into the future.

Where's Billy?

Farewell.

The next day Billy's planet

was destroyed by aliens.

Have you guessed the nameof Billy's planet?

It was Earth.

Brought to you by...

♪ The Space Pope. ♪

Did that make anyimpression on you, Fry?

Fry?

( giggling )

I knew I should'veshown him

Electrogonorrhea: the Noisy Killer.

BENDER: What is the world coming to?

That Fry's a sickopervert, I tell you.

Dating a robot.

It's an "atros-imicy."

But Fry's our friend,Bender.

Ah, geez, will you stifle there,Meatbag?

You stifle, Bender.

Hooray! Finally you'restanding up to him.

Although he iscompletely right.

We've got to stemthis tidal wave of moral decay.

It's time to shut downnappster.com.

Who's in chargeof this dump?

That'd be me.

If you're an investor

you can dump your moneyin the hole there.

Listen, you fatInternet nerd!Listening.

Your companypromotes wrong love!

If you don't shut down right now

the only thing wired about youwill be your jaw!

You can't shut us down.

The Internet is aboutthe free exchange and sale

of other people's ideas.

We've done nothing wrong.

WOMAN:Help!

I'm being held prisoner!

Ah, someonein trouble is.

No! Stay out!

There'sa... a... a guy

going for the Tetrisworld record in there.

( all gasp )

Ow!

( all gasping )

Who are you?Don't hurt us!

Help me.

They've been holding me prisonerfor 800 years.

The real Lucy Liu.

The one you can see a movieof in the popcorn stadium.

So what's your problem?

Those sweaty nerdsare making illegal copies of us.

( electrical discharge )

( groaning )

Ow! It hurts!

( pounding )

Open this door!

Don't make me callthe maintenance guy!

It's a bluff!

We can't takethat chance.

Move, people, move!

Please pick me upbefore you go-go.

She asked first.

( alarm blaring )

( electrical discharge )

( groaning )

Um, are you Lucy Liu?

Sure.

Oh, we're doomed!

They got the head,they uncovered the sign.

Soon the whole world will learnwe're cyber-criminals.

And we would'vegotten away with it

if it weren't for thosemeddling adults.

We'll stop them.

They like Lucy Liu?

We'll give them allthe Lucy Liu they can handle.

Hand me that backup disk.

Did you seeme escaping?

I was all, like:

( a la Three Stooges ):Woop, woop, woop, woop!

Thanks for rescuing me.

Especially you, Bender.

Mmm.

Quite a masculinepiece of metal, aren't you?

Hey, don't look at melike that.

If you're thinking ofcrossing a line with Bender

you can forget it.

Bender don'tbend that way.

Hey, look!

It's another Lucy Liu-Bot.

( monotone ):I am Lucy Liu.

Give me your spines.

Hey, what the... hey!

Take this, and that,and one of these.

( Bender groaning )

Hey, cut it out!

I don't needthis kind of publicity!

( grunting )

All right, Liu.

Time to kick your frosty,well-toned ass.

Yah!

( karate yell )

( groans )

Then alongcame Bender.

Hmm?!

Looks like you'reretaining water.

( clicking )

( whooping and cheering )

That wasincredible, Bender.

You're like Jackie Chanbefore he got all doughy.

Oh, shucks.

I wasn't afraid of that robot.

I'm pretty brave once youget past my macho exterior.

( screaming )

( heels clicking in unison )

It's an army of Lucy Lius.

( shrieking )

They'rehorrible!

( monotone ):Take this and thatand one of these.

Robot crouching tiger.

Robot crane style.

( screaming )

( glass crashing )

( heels clicking in unison )

Now that's a wave of destructionthat's easy on the eyes.

( gagging )

Hi-ya.

This is the best movieI've ever seen.

It has a vampire and an explosion.

It's amazingthe way you...

( monotone ):noticed two things.

No! Don't openthat coffin!

It's ticking!

I have to, Alex.

That coffin'snot going to open itself.

Bleh!

( explosion )

Let's hide in here.

It'll addto my box office gross.

Fry!

Aw, you guys cameto watch me make out.

That is so sweet.

( gasps )

Wait a second!

Is that the head ofwho I think it's of?

Read the jar, Evelyn Wood.

Dr. Z.

( clicking )

Fry, a herd of Lucy Liuare destroying the city.

Is yours acting normally?

Let me see.

( moaning with pleasure )

Yep, why do you ask?

Mr. Mayor, if you want to seethe real vampire

look in the mirror!

I can't.

I'm a vampire.

( heels clicking in unison )

( men screaming )

( audience shrieking )

Ow, ouch, ow, oh, oh.

And Nappster says illegal copiesnever hurt anybody.

Quick, this way!

Sorry, ladies,employees only.

( screams )

Oh, no! They're forminga human pyramid... of robots.

BENDER:Damn it!

We weren'tcounting on them

being as smartas they are sexy.

A dangerous mistaketo make.

At least we've got food.

Dr. Zoidberg,cut open that bag.

Hooray!

And don't eat it.

Aw...

ALL:Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow...

System error.

Do not compute.

( whooping and cheering )

Life was bad,but now it's good forever.

( chomping and gulping )

( all spitting )

( all screaming )

( glass breaking )

( seeds ricocheting )

You'll be safe inhere, sweetheart.

Get lost, Pavarotti.

No!

Lucy Liu-Bot, if Idon't survive the corn

I want you to knowthat I love you

as much as a man can lovea computerized image

of a gorgeous celebrity.

Which, it turns out,is a lot.

Oh, Fry.

I love you more than the Moonand the stars and the...

( monotone ):poetic image number 37not found.

( seeds bouncing off metal )

What are you doing, darling?Get down!

Light hot.

Oil temperature rising.

( all gasping )

Oh, no.

Malfunction.

This ain't good.

System error.

( explosion )

You saved us.

Are you all right?

Yes, my love.

I'll be just...

( monotone ):massive corn clog in port seven.

Are you thelast copy of me?

( weakly ):Yes.

Erase her, Fry.

What?! No!

Fry, when you downloaded herwithout my permission

you stole my image

and in the end,that's all I really have.

That and the largest gold nuggetin the world

one mile in diameter.

But I just downloaded herbecause I love you.

If you love the real Lucy Liu--

and not justwhat you've seen in movies

genre-straddling lawyer shows

and kiss-ass articlesin People magazine--

you'll blank out that robot.

I'm sorry.

Hug me, Liu-Bot.

I'll always remember you, Fry.

( monotone ):Memory deleted.

( sniffling )

I know it hurts, buddy

but at least you're not

in a sick relationshipwith a robot anymore.

Uh-huh.

And, I guess, now,maybe I can get to knowthe real Lucy Liu.

( blows raspberry )

Yeah, at our wedding.

It's true-- Benderand I are in love.

But... but...

Don't be a prude, Fry.

( moaning with pleasure )

( both giggling )

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBHaccess.wgbh.org

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