Tuesday, September 20, 2016

  • 09/20/2016

Donald Trump (Anthony Atamanuik) joins Aya Cash, Janet Varney and Paul F. Tompkins to weigh in on the Brangelina divorce, list #ThingsHillaryGoogles and play "Family Feud."

here with a messageto Angelina Jolie,

our benefactor this week,Donald Trump.

(fanfare playing)

(cheers and applause)

-Hi, Chuck. How are you?-You know my name is Chris.

-Wonderful.-(laughter)

-(soft music playing)-First of all, Angelina,

I know whatyou're going through.

Divorce is the best.

It's a lot, a lot,a lot, a lot of fun.

-(laughter)-I've been through several.

And let me tell you,they go by so fast,

-so savor every moment.-(laughter)

-And can I say something, Chuck?-Well, you're already talking.

-Can I? Can I say something?-Yeah, you are talking already.

I'm gladthat you've finally done

what all of Americahas been wanting for years

and dumped that scruffypretty boy loser.

Honestly, his moviesare absolute garbage.

Although, I did have a fewlaughs during 12 Years a Slave.

-(audience groaning)-Well, that's not a...

-That's a terrible thing to say.-So much fun. So much fun.

-It's not fun at all.-TRUMP: So much fun, Chuck.

-It was not fun at all!-So much fun, Chuck.

And let me tell you,the timing is perfect

because I am about ready to geta new wife, and it could be you.

-(laughter) -I mean,what have you got to lose?

What are you talk...?You're married!

-Hey, have you seen Melania?-Yes! She's beautiful!

Have you seen...? No,she's a complete and total mess.

-I don't... -Okay? I already?-(audience groaning)

-These people are horrified.-TRUMP: They love me.

Are you kidding me?

I wear my mother's pearlsas a (bleep) ring.

(laughter)

Imagine, imaginea luxurious life as first lady,

constantly making love to me.

And I'm a human pileof candy corn,

melting on the dashof a dump truck.

(laughter)

And I'd do you right.I'd do you right.

Angelina, I promise,

I'd love your internationalgroup of babies

like they were my own.

-My own little bowl of Skittles.-(laughter and groaning)

Just think of the things

I could get away withif I was surrounded

by your littlecommunity college catalogue

-of multicultural bonbons.-(laughter)

Angelina, let's make marriagegreat again!

It's time for tonight's#HashtagWars.

(cheering, applause, whistling)

Donald Trump is here all weekhijack sponsoring the show,

but in order to remainfair and balanced

as we plunge towardpolitical Armageddon,

we want to take aimat his opponent,

sociopathic soccer momHillary Clinton.

She's come under some firefor her use of e-mail,

but we want to knowhow she uses search engines.

What does Hillary Clinton Googlelate at night

when she triesto block out the sounds

of "bimbos being dicked"in the next room,

according to Colin Powell.

-That's why tonight's hashtagis... -(laughter)

ThingsHIllaryGoogles.ThingsHIllaryGoogles.

Examples might be:how to do Benghazi;

and: how to tell if husbandis at Hustler Club.

I'm gonna put 60 secondson the clock, and begin.

Paul F. Tompkins.

(loud monotone): How importantis voice modulation?

-(laughter)-Oh.

Points.

-Janet Varney.-To that end:

what human emotion is associatedwith seeing a puppy?

-Points.-(laughter)

Aya.

How do you acquirea poison-tipped cigar?

-Points. Points.-(laughter)

-Paul F. Tompkins.-How to get away with murder--

not the TV show.

-Points!-(laughter)

-Aya Cash. -Washington, DC,Sbarro locations.

-Points.-(laughter)

-Janet Varney.-Ann Taylor coupon emergency!

(laughter)

(whooping, applause)

Oh, points.

A.S.A.P.!

Paul F. Tompkins.

Do texts countas national security for me?

-Points.-(laughter)

-Aya Cash. -Where did EleanorRoosevelt keep her dildos?

-All right, points.-(audience groans)

Welcome back to @midnight.

I am, um...

I'm contractually forcedto welcome back

this week's sponsor,Donald Trump.

Come here. Come here.

(groaning, shouting, whooping)

Get out of here.Get out of here.

My beautiful daughter Ivanka,everyone.

(groaning, applause)

Family-- you know this.

Family is very, very,very, very,

very, very, very important.

Which is why we're going to playa me-centric version

of Family Feud; everybody loves that.

(cheering, applause)

-HARDWICK: Why are we, why arewe doing this? -Because...

Because instead ofaverage Americans,

which I've never beennuts about.

They're really...they're disgust...

-Th-they're deplorable.-(laughter)

You people will have to guess

how me, Donald Trump,would answer.

So if you guess right,it's 40,000 points.

I don't even know if the thingscan handle that many...

Don't worry.

I'm gonna cut a check from oneof my charitable organizations.

-Okay, fine, fine. -And points,points aren't currency.

-Points aren't currency.-Fine, fine.

Okay, first up, first up: Thingsyou might find in the kitchen.

Things you might findin the kitchen.

For Trumply Feud.

Uh, Aya.

Um, I'm going to say things youmight find in the kitchen?

Women.

-TRUMP: Good answer.-HARDWICK: All right.

-Good answer.-(buzzer)

That's an incorrect answer.

-It's not on the board.-CASH: Ugh.

One people surveyed.

Top, top three answerson the board.

Janet Varney.

Uh, chalupas, but that is whathe calls his maids.

HARDWICK:All right, all right.

Is that a correct answer?

That's not a correct answer.

-That's not correct.-(buzzer)

Paul F. Tompkins.

Uh, 30 crates of unsold steaks.

-HARDWICK: 30 crates ofunsold steaks. -(buzzer)

No, I'm sorry.No correct answers.

-Let's show the answers.-All right.

-Top answer.-Mason jars of bald eagle blood.

-Sure.-Every family has that.

And let's see the next one here.

Tang and other skin treatments.

-Sure. Yeah. Naturally.-(cheering and applause)

And then what's the final one?Let's see it.

Helpful foreigners who enjoycooking for whites.

-Okay.-And I've got a great guy.

-I got a great guy.-I don't want to know about it.

-This guy...-But that's like...

-I feel like that's similarto... -That was Janet's answer.

I feel like it's voting againstmy interests,

but since we're talkingto Trump,

um, I feel like Janet deservessome points for that.

All right, you know what?I'm going to override

and I'm gonna give Janet Varneypoints on that.

TRUMP:Unbelievable, unbelievable.

-Unbelievable.-(applause)

So, Janet... Janet has now

leapt into the leadwith 40,600 points.

It's so weird to get pointsI don't deserve.

You know what that feels like,Mr. Trump.

-I don't know any of that.-(cheers and applause)

I deserve everything.

-I deserve everything.-(cheering and applause)

-Please, are you kidding me?-HARDWICK: All right, next up.

Something you might sayto a waiter.

Something you might say toa waiter.

Aya.

I'd-I'd like to order...

your kitchen staffout of the country.

HARDWICK:All right.

-I'm sorry, that's nota correct answer. -(buzzer)

-Uh, Janet.-VARNEY: Uh...

Have you consideredfighting other poors

for the amusement of the rich?

-Uh, that is a correct answer,number two. -I love it.

Have you ever consideredfighting other poors

for the amusement of the rich?

I got you.I get you.

We're the same!We're the same!

Wait, wait, wait!Are we?!

TRUMP:We're the same.

-Paul F. Tompkins.-TOMPKINS: Uh...

-Janet, are you okay?-I don't know.

TRUMP:We're the same.

Janet's a little struck at themoment, by trump's comparison ofhimself to her.

by Trump's comparisonof himself to her.

I wear a long blond wig and tuckmy junkies

-and stand in frontof the mirror. -Okay.

And go, "I'm Janet Varney."

-I don't, uh...-(laughing)

HARDWICK (laughing):I don't think you...

Janet, I'm so sorry.

Uh, your life will never be thesame after today's episode.

There's a lot of therapy you'regoing to have to go through.

Uh, Paul.

What are we talking about?

HARDWICK: Something, somethingTrump might say to a waiter.

-Something...-TOMPKINS: Oh, sure, um...

Send this one back,it also takes like semen.

(buzzer)

-Disgusting.-I'm sorry, that's...

I feel like that'sa correct answer.

Let's see the next answerhere first.

All right,let's see the first answer.

The number one answer was:

Doesn't my daughterlook foxy tonight?

Doesn't she?

Isn't she unbelievable?

-All right, and the thirdanswer. -The next one.

Just want you to knowin advance,

you're not getting a tip.

No one gets a tip.

The only person who get a tipis my daughter Ivanka.

HARDWICK: That's not... wh..you shouldn't say those things.

(audience exclaiming)

Your face is just gonna part

and an alien's gonnashoot out of your skull.

-Please. Are you kidding me?-Wouldn't that be comforting?

That would be comforting.

What a relief!

-HARDWICK: It would be oddlycomforting. -What a relief.

I would deportthat alien immediately.

HARDWICK:All right, fine, fine, fine.

(applause)

Next up.

An activity you dowith the family.

An activity you do...Oh, no.

Oh, (bleep).

Uh, Aya.

Uh, which-- which family?

I have three.

HARDWICK:All right.

Is "which family, I have three?"

-That's not a correct answer.-(buzzer)

No, uh, Janet.

Watch them undressthrough the eyes of a painting.

Uh, that is a correct answer!

(cheers and applause)

It's too weird,it's too weird.

It's so weird.

No!

-No. No.-Face... off.

BOTH: Face... off.

Face... off.

Janet was havinga very intense mirror moment.

Uh...

Paul F. Tompkins-- an activityyou do with the family?

Uh, watch themlisten to you talk.

Uh, watch them listen to youtalk? No, not a correct answer.

Let's get the frigging...

-Let's get this going. -Gladwe threw it over to me. -Okay.

-The number-one answer...-Bow hunt the last rhino.

-All right.-Wonderful.

And the next one...

Go through a catalogueof potential new mommies!

HARDWICK:Vile.