Smith, Warren, Smith, Morton

  • Season 6, Ep 612
  • 01/24/2003

PARENTS' ANNIVERSARY PARTY.

THEY BEEN MARRIED LIKE 45 YEARS.

THAT'S A LONG TIME TO BE WITH

SOMEBODY.

YOU KNOW?

(APPLAUSE)

WHOO!

SHOOT, I CAN'T IMAGINE BEING

WITH SOMEBODY THAT LONG.

YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE RELATIONSHIPS,

AFTER WHILE YOU JUST GONNA GET

SICK OF THAT PERSON.

IT'S LIKE, "DAMN, YOU STILL

HERE?"

WHOO!

GOOD GRIEF.

YOU KNOW, WHEN A RELATIONSHIP

GOES BAD, NOW, YOU COULD TELL

WHEN IT GOES BAD WHEN THE SEXUAL

FANTASIES START GETTING ALL DARK

AND EVERYTHING.

YOU KNOW I WAS IN THIS

RELATIONSHIP, HE'S LIKE,

"SO COME ON, COME ON."

KEPT HOUNDING ME, YOU KNOW,

"TELL ME WHAT'S YOUR FANTASY?

WHAT'S YOUR FANTASY?"

AND I WAS LIKE, "WELL, I WOKE UP

AND YOU WERE DEAD."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

NASSAU BAHAMAS.

YEAH.

CAME TO THE UNITED STATES

WHEN I WAS ONE...

BECAUSE I NEEDED WORK.

(LAUGHTER)

I'M A TRIPLE MINORITY, THOUGH.

I'M A TRIPLE MINORITY,

BECAUSE I'M BLACK, I'VE NEVER

BEEN TO PRISON, AND I KNOW

MY FATHER.

THANK YOU.

(CHEERING)

I'LL BE SIGNING AUTOGRAPHS

LATER.

YEAH.

GREW UP IN LARGO, MARYLAND.

YEAH, EAST COAST.

THEN I WENT TO COLLEGE.

THAT'S WHY I'M BROKE.

GRADUATED FROM NOTRE DAME

IN SOUTH BEND, INDIANA.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

OH, ALL RIGHT.

THANK YOU.

YEAH.

YEAH, BLACK POPULATION THERE WAS

TWO PERCENT.

PEOPLE, THAT'S LIKE SKIM MILK.

YOU COULDN'T SKIP CLASS,

'CAUSE THEY KNEW.

(LAUGHTER)

I REMEMBER WHEN MY MOM SAW

THE CAMPUS FOR THE FIRST TIME.

MAN, SHE TRIPPED.

SHE WAS LIKE, "OOH, MMM.

THERE'S A WHOLE LOTTA PEOPLE

HERE DON'T LOOK LIKE US.

MM-HMM.

A LOT MORE THAN IN THAT

DAMN BROCHURE, I'LL TELL YOU

THAT RIGHT NOW.

THAT'S-- MM-HMM.

MMM.

BUT DON'T YOU GET WORRIED NOW,

'CAUSE LET ME TELL YOU NOW,

IS GOOD WHITE FOLK AND BAD WHITE

FOLK, MM-HMM.

JUST LIKE BLACK FOLK.

GOOD BLACK FOLK, BAD BLACK FOLK.

MM-HMM.

SO I WANT YOU TO GET IN THERE

AND WORK HARD, 'CAUSE YOU

DESERVE TO BE HERE JUST AS MUCH

AS THEY DO, ALL RIGHT?"

MM-HMM.

THEN SHE DROPPED THE DEEPNESS.

THAT'S WHEN HER LIPS DIDN'T

MOVE.

YOU KNOW SHE WAS LIKE, "MM-HMM.

BUT DON'T YOU BRING ONE OF THESE

WHITE GIRLS HOME HERE.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

MAMA LOVE 'YA.

(KISSING SOUND)

YEAH."

THEN HERE COME MY UNCLE.

"SHE AIN'T SAY YOU COULDN'T

TRY ONE OUT.

SHE AIN'T SAY YOU COULDN'T

TRY ONE OUT, YOU KNOW.

(APPLAUSE CONTINUES)

TAKE ONE FOR A TEST DRIVE,

JUST DON'T DRIVE HER PAST

THE HOUSE, THAT'S ALL WE TRYING

TO SAY."

NEW YORK, I DON'

BRING HOME, 'CAUSE I BELIEVE

LUST KNOWS NO COLOR.

YEAH.

MEN ARE SIMPLE.

IF SHE FINE, WE THINKING

ONE THOUGHT.

WE LIKE, "DAMN!

I'LL HIT THAT."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

AND IF SHE UGLY, WE LIKE,

"DAMN, OH!

I'LL HIT THAT."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

AND NOT TELL ANYBODY.

I PREDICT THAT'S GONNA BE THE

NEXT MAJOR MARCH RIGHT THERE.

THE MILLION UGLY PEOPLE MARCH.

(GROANING)

UGLY PEOPLE GONNA CRASH D.C.

HOLDING SIGNS.

YOU KNOW, "RESPECT ME!

CALL ME BACK!

TAKE ME OUT IN THE DAYTIME.

I LIKE SUNSHINE, TOO."

DO Y'ALL THINK THEY GET

A MILLION PEOPLE?

NO.

LET'S BE REAL, YOU CAN'T GET

A MILLION UGLY PEOPLE TO ADMIT

THEY UGLY AT THE SAME DAY,

SAME TIME, YOU KNOW.

BUT PEOPLE WILL REMIND YOU

IT'S A MARCH GOING ON THAT DAY,

WON'T THEY?

"SAY EARL, DON'T YOU GOT

A MARCH TO GO TO?"

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

EARL BE LIKE, "THAT'S THE THIRD

PERSON TODAY.

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

THEY GOT SOME WEIRD STUFF THERE.

PEOPLE IN TEXAS WHISTLE AND TALK

AT THE SAME TIME.

"HEY, WHERE 'YA FROM?

"TEXAS (WHISTLE)."

"WHERE IN TEXAS?"

"OH, HOUSTON (WHISTLE),

TEXAS (WHISTLE).

DALLAS, (WHISTLE) TEXAS DOWN BY

(WHISTLE) SAN ANTONIO, TEXAS.

(WHISTLE).

IT'S BY AUSTIN (WHISTLE), TEXAS

(WHISTLE).

IT'S A GOOD PLACE (WHISTLE)."

(APPLAUSE)

MY FOLKS LIVE IN ST. LOUIS NOW,

SO I GO HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS.

EVERYTHING IN MY PARENTS' HOUSE

IS BROKEN.

WE PLAY CHESS, AND THERE'S

SIX PIECES MISSING FROM OUR

CHESS SET.

SO WE REPLACE THEM WITH PIECES

FROM MY MOM'S NATIVITY SCENE.

WE'RE PLAYING CHESS WITH THE

VIRGIN MARY, AND GOATS,

AND WISE MEN.

AND MY UNCLE EARL CHEATS.

YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE,

"UNCLE EARL, THAT'S A PAWN.

YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO MOVE HIM

BACKWARDS."

"THAT'S THE SON OF GOD, BOY!

YOU CAN MOVE HIM WHEREVER THE

HELL HE WANTS TO GO.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

"YOU SHOW A LITTLE RESPECT.

IT'S HIS BIRTHDAY.

JESUS TAKES A QUEEN ON HIS

BIRTHDAY, BOY."

FROM THE MIDWEST, MAN.

MY DAD WAS A HIGH SCHOOL

WRESTLING COACH, SO I WRESTLED

ON THE TEAM.

MY MOM WAS INTO MUSIC, SO I

PLAYED THE CLARINET IN THE BAND.

THIS IS NOT A GOOD MIX.

I TOOK A LOT OF HEAT FROM THE

GUYS ON THE TEAM, ESPECIALLY

MY BEST FRIEND, HUEY BAKER.

HE WAS A BLACK GUY.

ONE OF THOSE GUYS WHO JUST GETS

A HOLD OF SOMETHING AND NEVER

SHUTS UP.

YOU KNOW, JUST NEVER.

"LOOK AT GREG, MAN.

GREG PLAY THE FLUTE!"

"IT'S A CLARINET, HUEY."

"IT'S A FLUTE, GREG.

YOU A FLUTE MAN.

LOOK AT LITTLE FLUTE MAN, GREG.

FLUTE YOUR FLUTE, GREG!

FLUTE YOUR FLUTE, GREG!

LITTLE FLUTE MAN!

GREG-- FLUTE MAN GREG."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

MY UNCLE EARL USED TO TRY AND

TEACH ME WRESTLING MOVES WHEN

I WAS GROWING UP.

HE WRESTLED BACK IN THE '20s.

BACK THEN, THE MOVES HAD LIKE

DIFFERENT NAMES.

YOU KNOW, LIKE POLITICALLY

INCORRECT NAMES.

"COME HERE, BOY.

THIS WHAT I WANT YOU TO DO.

I WANT YOU TO SNEAK UP ON HIM

LIKE THE JAPANESE.

THAT'S WHAT I WANT YOU TO DO,

BOY.

THEN I WANT YOU TO GET HIM IN

THE INJUN' GRIP, BOY.

GET HIM IN THE CHEROKEE

INJUN GRIP.

THEN RIDE HIM LIKE A CHINAMAN.

RIDE THAT SONOFABITCH LIKE

A CHINAMAN, BOY."

WE LIKE SPORTS RADIO AT MY

HOUSE.

THAT'S WHAT WE DO, WE LISTEN

TO SPORTS RADIO.

MY FAVORITE GUY IS THIS GUY OUT

OF THE MIDWEST.

HIS NAME IS JOEL BIRNBAUM.

HE KNOWS EVERYTHING THERE IS

TO KNOW ABOUT FOOTBALL.

PEOPLE CALL HIM WITH THE

STUPIDEST QUESTIONS--

(SNAPS FINGERS)

HE KNOWS THE ANSWER.

IT'S LIKE, "YEAH, JOE, THIS IS

MIKE FROM JERSEY.

AND I USED TO KNOW THIS ONE GUY

NAMED MIKE.

AND HE PLAYED FOOTBALL.

WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?"

(LAUGHTER)

"HIS NAME IS MIKE JEFFERSON, HE

PLAYED FOR THE JETS IN THE '80s.

THEY CUT HIM DURING THE STRIKE

SEASON.

HE'S CURRENTLY WORKING FOR

SUBWAY SANDWICH SHOP IN

NEW BRUNSWICK, NEW JERSEY.

MAKES A GOOD HAM, NOT A GOOD

TURKEY.

NEXT CALLER."

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

"YEAH, JOE, MY BOY PLAYS--

(WHISTLE) PEEWEE FOOTBALL DOWN

THERE IN TEXAS (WHISTLE).

HE'S (WHISTLE) A HELL OF A

PLAYER.

HE'S (WHISTLE) EIGHT YEARS

(WHISTLE) OLD."

"SIR, I SAW YOUR SON PLAY.

HE HAS ABSOLUTELY NO GOD GIVEN

TALENT, EVEN FOR AN 8 YEAR-OLD.

I RECOMMEND BALLET SHOES OR

COMPUTER CAMP.

NEXT CALLER."

I'VE BEEN TRYING TO GET AN

APARTMENT HERE FOR TWO YEARS.

THEY WON'T LET ME IN!

I MEAN, I KNEW IT WOULD BE

EXPENSIVE.

BUT I JUST ASSUMED THAT FOR

$2,000 A MONTH THE TOILET

WOULD BE INSIDE THE APARTMENT.

(LAUGHTER)

I WORK HERE IN MANHATTAN WITH

KIDS.

SPOILED RICH MANHATTAN KIDS.

ANYONE ELSE?

THEY'RE ASS(BLEEP).

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

THEY HAVE NO RESPECT FOR ADULTS.

THEY JUST SAY WHATEVER THEY WANT

TO YOU.

AND INSTEAD OF CORRECTING THEM,

RIGHT AWAY THEIR PARENTS DEFEND

THEIR BEHAVIOR AND SAY THINGS

LIKE--

"WELL, HE'S JUST BEING HONEST.

YOU KNOW, THAT'S THE BEAUTIFUL

THING ABOUT KIDS, THEY'RE

HONEST.

ISN'T IT BEAUTIFUL?"

"YEAH.

IT'S LOVELY...

WHEN YOUR 9 YEAR-OLD LOOKS OVER

AT ME AND SAYS, 'YO, BRIDGET,

YOU'RE BUTT'S FAT.'"

OH, ISN'T THAT BEAUTIFUL?

HEY, IT'S SO HONEST.

DOES THIS WORK FOR EVERYONE?

CAN I TRY?

"SO, TIMMY, HOW'S THAT REMEDIAL

READING CLASS GOING, YOU LITTLE

STUPID ASS!"

(APPLAUSE)

"YOU DOPE.

WHAT'S WRONG?

WHY'S HE CRYING?

WASN'T THAT BEAUTIFUL?"

I WAS WATCHING THE NEWS.

AND THEY WERE DOING A REPORT

ON PEOPLE WHO COMMIT ACTS OF

VIOLENCE AGAINST HOMOSEXUALS.

AND THEY KEPT REFERRING TO THESE

PEOPLE AS HOMOPHOBIC.

AND IT DIDN'T MAKE SENSE TO ME,

YOU KNOW?

BECAUSE, WELL, WE ALL KNOW

PEOPLE THAT HAVE PHOBIAS.

BUT THEY DON'T ACT LIKE THAT.

ONE OF MY CLOSEST FRIENDS HAS

ARACHNOPHOBIA.

YOU'S KNOW WHAT THAT IS.

IT'S A FEAR OF SPIDERS.

SO YOU KNOW, HE'LL SEE A SPIDER,

AND HE'LL RUN, HE'LL SCREAM,

HE'LL FREEZE UP.

HE MAY FAINT.

BUT, GOD FORBID, I HAVE NEVER

SEEN HIM APPROACH A SPIDER

AND JUST START PUNCHIN' IT.

NOR HAVE I EVER KNOWN HIM TO GO

OUT LOOKING FOR SPIDERS,

STARTING (BLEEP) WITH THEM.

CAN YOU IMAGINE?

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

RIGHT?

ALL I'M SAYING IS MAYBE BEATING

UP GAY PEOPLE DOESN'T MAKE YOU

HOMOPHOBIC.

MAYBE IT JUST MAKES YOU AN

ASS(BLEEP).

RIGH

GREG MORTON>> CUT, CUT, CUT,

CUT, CUT.

THIS IS THE WRONG CLUB.

(LAUGHTER)

WELL, LIFE HAS BEEN SUCKING

FOR ME.

JUST GOT BACK FROM CALIFORNIA.

OH, GOD'S GOT IT IN FOR

CALIFORNIA.

THEY'VE HAD EVERYTHING DOWN

THERE.

EARTHQUAKES, AND MUDSLIDES,

FIRES AND DRAUGHT, AND FLOODS,

AND KILLER BEES, AND MOSQUITOES

HAVE THE FLU, AND EL NIÑO,

LA NIÑA, VOLCANOES, TORNADOES.

I SAY LET THE ISRAELITES GO.

(LAUGHTER)

I'LL TELL YOU, IF THE

EARTHQUAKES DON'T KILL YOU,

THE KIDS WILL.

WHY ARE THESE KIDS BRINGING

ALL THESE GUNS TO SCHOOL?

AND THE PARENTS NEVER KNOW.

"OH, WE HAD NO IDEA.

WE DIDN'T KNOW."

HOW COULD YOU NOT KNOW THAT YOUR

KIDS ARE MAKING 30 PIPE BOMBS

IN THE GARAGE?

MY DAD KNEW IF I BROKE WIND

IN THE BACKYARD.

HOW COULD YOU NOT KNOW THAT YOUR

KID IS INTO ADOLF HITLER?

IF YOUR KID STARTS GOOSE

STEPPING AROUND THE HOUSE,

THAT'S A CLUE.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING, SON?"

"OH, I'M JUST TRYING ON THESE

NEW BOOTS, DAD."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

"HI, MOM, HI, DAD."

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

IF YOUR KID COMES HOME WITH

ONE THIRD OF A MUSTACHE,

THAT'S A CLUE.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

BESIDES, WHEN WE WERE KIDS,

WE DIDN'T KILL EACH OTHER WITH

GUNS.

WE HAD THE PLAYGROUNDS.

REMEMBER THE SWING?

GREAT BIG, THICK PIECE OF WOOD

SUSPENDED BY TWO STEEL CHAINS.

AND WHAT WOULD YOU DO?

PUSH YOUR BEST FRIEND AS HARD AS

YOU COULD TO SEE IF THEY WOULD

GO OVER THE TOP OF THE BAR.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

EVERYBODY WANTS TO BLAME

THE VIOLENCE ON SOMETHING ELSE.

"OH, IT'S THE VIDEO GAMES.

IT'S THOSE VIOLENT VIDEO GAMES.

THAT'S WHAT'S MAKING OUR KIDS

KILL."

HAS ANYONE HERE EVER BEEN

POSSESSED BY THE SPIRIT OF SUPER

MARIO BROTHERS?

YOU KNOW LITTLE VOICES IN YOUR

HEAD, "KILL!

KILL!"

"SATAN, IS THAT YOU?"

"NO, IT'S A ME, MARIO."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

YEAH, I CAN'T WAIT TO RUN OUT

AND JUMP ON SOMEBODY'S HEAD AND

WATCH A COIN POP OUT OF THEIR

ASS.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

AND WE HAD THE BEST MOVIE

IN THE WORLD, "STAR WARS."

(MUSIC FROM "STAR WARS" PLAYING)

A LONG TIME AGO IN A GALAXY FAR,

FAR AWAY...

(DARTH VADER VOICE)

"JOIN ME, LUKE.

JOIN ME ON THE DARK SIDE."

(LIGHT SABER NOISES)

"I'LL NEVER JOIN YOU."

"AHHH!"

"OH, NO, MASTER LUKE,

MASTER LUKE!"

(WHISTLING)

(VOICES AND SOUND EFFECTS)

"STAY ON TARGET.

STAY ON TARGET."

"STAY ON TARGET."

(BABBLING)

"OH, SHUT THEM DOWN.

SHUT THEM ALL DOWN,

THEY'RE DYING, R-2."

(BABBLING)

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

...WE'LL BE QUITE OPERATIONAL

WHEN YOUR FRIENDS ARRIVE.

(BABBLING)

I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU SMELL,

CHEWY, GET IN THERE.

(CHEWBAKA NOISE)

THANK YOU VERY MUCH!

Loading...