Smith, Warren, Smith, Morton

  • Season 6, Ep 612
  • 01/24/2003

PARENTS' ANNIVERSARY PARTY.

THEY BEEN MARRIED LIKE 45 YEARS.

THAT'S A LONG TIME TO BE WITH

SOMEBODY.

YOU KNOW?

(APPLAUSE)

WHOO!

SHOOT, I CAN'T IMAGINE BEING

WITH SOMEBODY THAT LONG.

YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE RELATIONSHIPS,

AFTER WHILE YOU JUST GONNA GET

SICK OF THAT PERSON.

IT'S LIKE, "DAMN, YOU STILL

HERE?"

WHOO!

GOOD GRIEF.

YOU KNOW, WHEN A RELATIONSHIP

GOES BAD, NOW, YOU COULD TELL

WHEN IT GOES BAD WHEN THE SEXUAL

FANTASIES START GETTING ALL DARK

AND EVERYTHING.

YOU KNOW I WAS IN THIS

RELATIONSHIP, HE'S LIKE,

"SO COME ON, COME ON."

KEPT HOUNDING ME, YOU KNOW,

"TELL ME WHAT'S YOUR FANTASY?

WHAT'S YOUR FANTASY?"

AND I WAS LIKE, "WELL, I WOKE UP

AND YOU WERE DEAD."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

THEY GOT SOME WEIRD STUFF THERE.

PEOPLE IN TEXAS WHISTLE AND TALK

AT THE SAME TIME.

"HEY, WHERE 'YA FROM?

"TEXAS (WHISTLE)."

"WHERE IN TEXAS?"

"OH, HOUSTON (WHISTLE),

TEXAS (WHISTLE).

DALLAS, (WHISTLE) TEXAS DOWN BY

(WHISTLE) SAN ANTONIO, TEXAS.

(WHISTLE).

IT'S BY AUSTIN (WHISTLE), TEXAS

(WHISTLE).

IT'S A GOOD PLACE (WHISTLE)."

(APPLAUSE)

MY FOLKS LIVE IN ST. LOUIS NOW,

SO I GO HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS.

EVERYTHING IN MY PARENTS' HOUSE

IS BROKEN.

WE PLAY CHESS, AND THERE'S

SIX PIECES MISSING FROM OUR

CHESS SET.

SO WE REPLACE THEM WITH PIECES

FROM MY MOM'S NATIVITY SCENE.

WE'RE PLAYING CHESS WITH THE

VIRGIN MARY, AND GOATS,

AND WISE MEN.

AND MY UNCLE EARL CHEATS.

YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE,

"UNCLE EARL, THAT'S A PAWN.

YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO MOVE HIM

BACKWARDS."

"THAT'S THE SON OF GOD, BOY!

YOU CAN MOVE HIM WHEREVER THE

HELL HE WANTS TO GO.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

"YOU SHOW A LITTLE RESPECT.

IT'S HIS BIRTHDAY.

JESUS TAKES A QUEEN ON HIS

BIRTHDAY, BOY."

FROM THE MIDWEST, MAN.

MY DAD WAS A HIGH SCHOOL

WRESTLING COACH, SO I WRESTLED

ON THE TEAM.

MY MOM WAS INTO MUSIC, SO I

PLAYED THE CLARINET IN THE BAND.

THIS IS NOT A GOOD MIX.

I TOOK A LOT OF HEAT FROM THE

GUYS ON THE TEAM, ESPECIALLY

MY BEST FRIEND, HUEY BAKER.

HE WAS A BLACK GUY.

ONE OF THOSE GUYS WHO JUST GETS

A HOLD OF SOMETHING AND NEVER

SHUTS UP.

YOU KNOW, JUST NEVER.

"LOOK AT GREG, MAN.

GREG PLAY THE FLUTE!"

"IT'S A CLARINET, HUEY."

"IT'S A FLUTE, GREG.

YOU A FLUTE MAN.

LOOK AT LITTLE FLUTE MAN, GREG.

FLUTE YOUR FLUTE, GREG!

FLUTE YOUR FLUTE, GREG!

LITTLE FLUTE MAN!

GREG-- FLUTE MAN GREG."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

MY UNCLE EARL USED TO TRY AND

TEACH ME WRESTLING MOVES WHEN

I WAS GROWING UP.

HE WRESTLED BACK IN THE '20s.

BACK THEN, THE MOVES HAD LIKE

DIFFERENT NAMES.

YOU KNOW, LIKE POLITICALLY

INCORRECT NAMES.

"COME HERE, BOY.

THIS WHAT I WANT YOU TO DO.

I WANT YOU TO SNEAK UP ON HIM

LIKE THE JAPANESE.

THAT'S WHAT I WANT YOU TO DO,

BOY.

THEN I WANT YOU TO GET HIM IN

THE INJUN' GRIP, BOY.

GET HIM IN THE CHEROKEE

INJUN GRIP.

THEN RIDE HIM LIKE A CHINAMAN.

RIDE THAT SONOFABITCH LIKE

A CHINAMAN, BOY."

WE LIKE SPORTS RADIO AT MY

HOUSE.

THAT'S WHAT WE DO, WE LISTEN

TO SPORTS RADIO.

MY FAVORITE GUY IS THIS GUY OUT

OF THE MIDWEST.

HIS NAME IS JOEL BIRNBAUM.

HE KNOWS EVERYTHING THERE IS

TO KNOW ABOUT FOOTBALL.

PEOPLE CALL HIM WITH THE

STUPIDEST QUESTIONS--

(SNAPS FINGERS)

HE KNOWS THE ANSWER.

IT'S LIKE, "YEAH, JOE, THIS IS

MIKE FROM JERSEY.

AND I USED TO KNOW THIS ONE GUY

NAMED MIKE.

AND HE PLAYED FOOTBALL.

WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?"

(LAUGHTER)

"HIS NAME IS MIKE JEFFERSON, HE

PLAYED FOR THE JETS IN THE '80s.

THEY CUT HIM DURING THE STRIKE

SEASON.

HE'S CURRENTLY WORKING FOR

SUBWAY SANDWICH SHOP IN

NEW BRUNSWICK, NEW JERSEY.

MAKES A GOOD HAM, NOT A GOOD

TURKEY.

NEXT CALLER."

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

"YEAH, JOE, MY BOY PLAYS--

(WHISTLE) PEEWEE FOOTBALL DOWN

THERE IN TEXAS (WHISTLE).

HE'S (WHISTLE) A HELL OF A

PLAYER.

HE'S (WHISTLE) EIGHT YEARS

(WHISTLE) OLD."

"SIR, I SAW YOUR SON PLAY.

HE HAS ABSOLUTELY NO GOD GIVEN

TALENT, EVEN FOR AN 8 YEAR-OLD.

I RECOMMEND BALLET SHOES OR

COMPUTER CAMP.

NEXT CALLER."