Steve Shaffer & Randy Credico

  • 02/24/1992

AND I'M AN OLD JEW AND I'M PROUDTO BE HERE FOR COMEDY CENTRAL.

ANYWAY, HERE'S THE DEAL, THOUGH.

I'VE BEEN THINKING,I HAVEN'T SLEPT FOR DAYS.

AND YOU KNOW THAT BECAUSESHE'S MY SWEAT AGENT.

I HAVE A SWEAT AGENT.

BUT I'VE BEEN--IT'S OLYMPIC FEVER NOW

EVERYONE'S THINKING OLYMPICSAND YOU KNOW, WE GET MEDALS

WHATEVER MEDALS MEAN.

AS LONG AS YOU HAVE YOUR HEALTH,QUITE FRANKLY.

BUT I WAS TOO SHORT TO PLAYIN JUNIOR HIGH OR IN HIGH SCHOOL

AND I LOVED SPORTS AND I WASIN THE JEWISH CENTER LEAGUE

AND WE HAD OUR OWN OLYMPICS

AND FORGET THE COLA WARS,WE HAD THE COLON WARS

WHICH WAS SORT OF SAD.

BUT LIKE THE RABBI WAS THEHEAD OF THE SPORTS DEPARTMENT

AND HE SAID,"LET THE INJURIES BEGIN."

WE DIDN'T HAVEA TORCH, YOU KNOW.

AND HE USED TO SAYLIKE IN A HUDDLE

IT WASN'T LIKE HOW YOU WON

IT WAS HOW YOU LOST WASWHAT WAS IMPORTANT

IN THE JEWISH CENTER LEAGUE.

LIKE THE 10-K RUN.

WE HAD A 10-K RUN.

I ACTUALLY DID IT.

I ACTUALLY, LIKE 30 YEARS AGO,I'M RUNNING

I'M 9.8 MILESAND ABOUT 20 FEET FROM THE...

MY MOTHER'S THERE,USUALLY THEY GIVE YOU WATER

AND ARE LIKE, "COME ON,"AND THEY APPLAUD.

MY MOTHER SAYS TO ME

LIKE LITERALLY 20 FEETFROM THE END OF THE RACE

"WHAT DO YOU NEED THIS FOR?COME ON.

"WHAT ARE YOU SCHLEPPING?

THERE'S A GOOD ITALIANRESTAURANT HERE."

BUT I DON'T KNOW.

WE ALSO HAD-- WELL, WE HADCHEERLEADERS, THE SHROUDETTES.

THEY WERE VERY BIG.

WHAT WAS THEIR BEST CHEER?

THEIR BEST CHEER WAS, "BEATOURSELVES, BEAT OURSELVES."

AND THEN WE HAD OUR MASCOT WAS--

HE WAS CALLEDTHE EMBARRASSMENT BOY.

IT WAS SORT OF SAD.

HE WOULD ACTUALLYNEVER SEE A GAME.

HE WOULD HIDEUNDER THE BLEACHERS

TILL THE GAME WAS OVER,THEN HE WOULD COME OUT.

"HOW'D YOU DO?"

I MEAN, HE WASN'T EVEN THERE.

I MEAN, EVEN DURINGTHE CHAMPIONSHIP GAME

BETWEEN THE TWO JEWISH CENTERSIN LIKE THE SAME AREA

BOTH TEAMS CLAIMED DEFEAT,WHICH WAS SORT OF SAD.

I FINALLY SAW JFK.

GREAT FILM, MAKES YOU THINK.

CONSPIRACY THEORIES ABOUND.

I, TOO, HAVEA CONSPIRACY THEORY.

I BELIEVE THAT EINSTEINWAS KILLED BY THE MAFIA...

( laughter )

BECAUSE HE KNEW TOO MUCH.

( laughter )

THAT'S MY BELIEF...

AND I'M STICKING TO IT.

I'M A NEW DAD, THANKS.

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

IT WAS EASY, IT WAS EASY.

IT'S GREAT, MY SON'SEIGHT MONTHS OLD

I CAN'T STOP BITING HIS ASS.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS.

I JUST WAKE UP, I SEE THAT ASS,BOOM! I GOT TO BITE IT.

AT WHAT AGE DOES THIS BECOMEPERVERTED, YOU KNOW?

17, 18 YEARS OLD

AND HE'S JUST GOING,"DAD, GET AWAY FROM MY ASS.

WILL YOU STOP BITING MY ASS?"

CAN'T WAIT TILL HE GETS OLDER.

THREE, FOUR, FIVE, SIX, SEVEN--THOSE ARE GREAT AGES.

KIDS ARE VERY PURE.

THEY'RE VERY HONEST.

SOMETIMES THEY'RE TOO HONEST.

LET'S FACE IT--

A SEVEN-YEAR-OLD SAYSYOU'RE UGLY, YOU ARE.

GO HOME, GET CHANGED, LOSEWEIGHT, THAT KID IS CORRECT.

THEY ALWAYS SAYWHAT'S ON THEIR MIND.

I'M SITTING BY A POOLWITH MY NEPHEW

HE SEES A LARGE WOMANON THE OTHER END OF THE POOL--

NOT THE LARGEST WOMANIN THE WORLD

BUT THE LARGEST WOMANIN HIS WORLD--

SO HE PROCEEDS TO TELL MEAND THE REST OF NORTH AMERICA

THAT THIS IS THE FATTEST PERSONHE'S EVER SEEN IN HIS LIFE.

NOW, IT'S ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLETO SLOW KIDS DOWN

WHEN THEY'RE THAT FLABBERGASTED.

YOU CAN'T STICK A SOCK IN IT.

YOU CAN'T DUCT TAPE HIS FACE.

HE RUNS, HE BANGS INTO ME.

( as kid: )UNCLE STEVE, OH, MY GOD!

LOOK! SHE'S FAT.

I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYBODYTHAT FAT BEFORE.

LOOK HOW FAT SHE IS. AAH!

YOU GOT TO LIE THEM.

SHUT UP, SHE'S NOT FAT.

( as kid: )MM, SHE'S FAT.

20 MINUTES, HE'SWALKING AROUND THE POOL.

HE'S TALKING TO HIMSELF.

HE'S INTO REPETITION.

( as kid: )SHE'S FAT, FAT, FAT, FAT...

I SEE HERAND SHE'S FAT, FAT, FAT.

SO NOW HE'S WRITTENAN ENTIRE FAT MUSICAL

ABOUT THIS POOR FAT LADYON THE OTHER END.

♪ SHE'S A BIG, FAT FATTY

♪ A BIG, FAT FATTY

♪ AH, SHE'S A FATTY

♪ SHE'S A FATTY BOOM-BILATTY

♪ FATTY BOOM-BILATTY

♪ A FATTY BOOM-BILATTY

♪ FATTY BOOM-BILATTY

♪ YEAH, THAT'S YOU.

( cheering )

FATTY.

CALLED HERA FATTY BOOM-BILATTY.

KIDS' WORD, RIGHT?

NOT AN ADULT WORD.

YOU DON'T GO TO THE DOCTOR--

"BILL, YOU GAINED SOME WEIGHT.

"YOU'RE A FATTY BOOM-BILATTY.

"I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'MGOING TO DO WITH YOU.

"SEND YOU TO THE BIG, FAT, FATTYBOOM-BILATTY CLINIC, I GUESS."

CERTAIN LARGE PEOPLE SHOULD NOTWEAR CERTAIN CLOTHING.

THAT'S ALL THERE IS TO IT.

SHE WAS WEARING ONE OFTHOSE DESIGNER SWEATSHIRTS

THAT SAY "GUESS?" WRITTENACROSS THE FRONT.

FOUR OR FIVE KIDS BEHIND MEGOING, "250, 275?"

YOU LEARN CERTAIN THINGSWHEN YOU GET MARRIED.

I LEARNED NEVER TO GETINTO A FIGHT WITH MY WIFE

IN A PUBLIC PLACE.

GOT INTO AN ARGUMENT, WE WERE INA STORE, LOTS OF PEOPLE AROUND.

SHE GOT MAD AT ME AND SHEPULLED A PETER LORRE ON ME.

HUSBANDS, YOUR WIFE EVER PULLA PETER LORRE ON YOU?

SHE JUST TURNED TO MEAND SHE WENT

( imitating wife as Lorre: )DON'T YOU EVER, DON'T YOU EVERTALK TO ME LIKE THAT AGAIN...

OR I WILL KILL YOU.

( applause )

THAT'S RIGHT.

I GREW UP IN SOUTH PHILADELPHIA.

THAT'S WHERE I'M FROMORIGINALLY, PHILADELPHIA.

TOUGH ITALIAN NEIGHBORHOOD.

WENT BACK A COUPLE YEARS AGO,I MET THIS GUY IN A BAR.

HE GOT SHOT IN HIS LEGSIX INCHES FROM HIS CROTCH.

DECIDES TO TELL ME ABOUT IT.

RUNS UP TO ME,DOESN'T EVEN SAY HELLO.

HE GOES, "STEVIE, I CAN'TBELIEVE IT, GET SHOT IN THE LEG

SIX INCHES FROM MY BABALONES."

( laughter )

HE'S DOING THIS FOR A HALF HOUR.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THIS IS.

THE DANCE OF THE BABALONES,I GUESS.

SIX INCHES FROM HIS BABALONES.

KIND OF GIVES YOU AN INSIGHTINTO SOME MEN'S MENTALITY.

IT'S OBVIOUS THE WAYSOME OF US THINK

BECAUSE LET'S FACE IT

HE COULD HAVE GOT SHOTDIRECTLY THROUGH THE HEAD.

"STEVIE, CAN'T BELIEVE IT,GOT SHOT IN THE HEAD

THREE FEET FROM MY BABALONES."

( laughter )

"I'M TELLING YOU, MAN

"MY NEIGHBOR GOT SHOT TWO BLOCKSAWAY FROM MY BABALONES.

"YOU KNOW THAT STUFFIN THE MIDEAST?

WHAT IS THAT, 9,000 MILESFROM MY BABALONES, MAN?"

EIGHT YEARS OF NUNS,FOUR YEARS OF PRIESTS

12 YEARS OF THERAPY,HERE I AM.

I ONCE HAD A NUN PUNCH MEIN THE FACE FOR SNEEZING.

ABSOLUTELY TRUE, CLOSED FIST,ROUNDHOUSE, THE WOMAN CLOCKED ME

BECAUSE I DIDN'T COVER MY MOUTHWHEN I SNEEZED

AND I'LL NEVER FORGETHOW QUICKLY IT HAPPENED.

IT WAS LIKELY A-CHOO, BOOM!

LIKE NINJA NUNS, YOU KNOW?

( karate scream )

( whizzing )

COMING THIS FALL, NINJA NUNS.

WATCH THEM USETHEIR NUN-CHUCK ROSARY.

YOU CAN'T FOOL HER,SHE'LL USE HER RULER.

SHE'S DRESSED IN BLACK,SHE'LL CRACK YOUR BACK.

NINJA NUNS, TONIGHT AT 9:00.

AH, GOOD OLD CATHOLIC SCHOOL.

I STILL BELIEVE IN GOD.

12 YEARS OF CATHOLIC SCHOOLDIDN'T KNOCK THAT OUT OF ME.

THERE'S GOT TO BE SOMETHING,I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS

BUT THERE'S GOT TO BE SOMETHING.

I WILL ADMIT, I'M NOTPARTICULARLY RELIGIOUS

EXCEPT OF COURSE WHEN I FLY.

I'M NOT STUPID OR ANYTHING.

WHEN I FLY, I'M ALL RELIGIONS.

"FATHER, WHO ART IN HEAVEN,HAIL MARY, FULL OF GRACE

"HELLO, ALLAH, COME IN, BUDDHA,YO, SUPERNATURAL BIG GUY

I WAS ON A BOATTWO NEW YEAR'S EVES AGO.

I SAW THE DRUNKEST GUYI'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE.

NO SYNAPSE CONNECTIONLEFT WHATSOEVER

SERIOUSLY DAMAGED INDIVIDUAL.

I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYBODYTHIS FAR GONE.

HE'S OUT OF HIS MIND,AT THE BAR LIKE...

( screaming )

( applause )

( squealing )

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

( hiccupping )

HEY, BARTENDER, HOW YOU DOING?

YOU ALL RIGHT?

HOW YOU DOING?

YOU ALL RIGHT?

HOW YOU DOING?

YOU ALL RIGHT?

YOU ALL RIGHT?

HEY, BARTENDER,CAN I ASK YOU A QUESTION?

CAN I ASK YOU ANOTHER QUESTION?

HOW YOU DOING?

YOU ALL RIGHT?

I'M ONLY JOKING WITH YOU.

HAPPY NEW YEAR.

WANT TO HEAR A FUNNY JOKE?

WHAT DID THE SNAIL SAY...

WHAT'D HE SAY?

( laughter )

I LOVE THAT JOKE.

HEY, SWEETHEART, GOD,YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL.

CAN I ASK YOU A QUESTION?

DO YOU SEE MY POCKET?

I CAN'T FIND MY POCKET.

I GOT LIKE NINE OF THEM,I CAN'T FIND ANY OF THEM.

HEY, YOU KNOW, I GOT ONEINSIDE THE OTHER ONE, YOU KNOW.

I'LL NEVER FIND THAT ONE.

YOU'RE REALLY BEAUTIFUL,WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

WHAT'S YOUR... BUZZ OFF?

WHAT'S YOUR LAST NAME?

BUZZ OFF, YOU JERK?

YOU MUST BE CZECHOSLOVAKIANOR SOMETHING.

HEY, BUZZ OFF, WANTTO HEAR A FUNNY JOKE?

WAIT A MINUTE, BUZZ OFF.

WHY DOES A SEAGULL,UH, FLY BY THE SEA?

IF HE FLEW BY THE BAY,HE'D BE A "BAGLE."

( laughter )

( applause )

I ACTUALLY MADE ITIN MY CONTRACT

I HAVE TO SHOOT IN MY APARTMENT.

SAD, YOU KNOW.

I HAVEMY GRANDMOTHER'S CRINOLINE.

IT WAS IN MY APARTMENT, SHEJUMPED OFF THE CHRYSLER BUILDING

AND AS SHE WAS LEAPINGSHE THREW ME THIS, SO IT'S--

THIS IS IN MY LIVING ROOM.

NOT FUNNY, JUST SOMETHINGI WANTED TO SHARE

WITH FANS OF MINE.

YOU'RE A GREAT AUDIENCE.

I JUST SPIT ON YOUR FOREHEAD.

YOU CAN WIPE IT OFFWHENEVER YOU WANT TO.

I WASN'T LYING ABOUTTHE JEWISH CENTER LEAGUE.

EVERYTHING IN THAT TEMPLE,IN THAT GYM WAS DONATED.

THE TOILET WAS DONATED TO A MAN

WHO HAD A CYSTON HIS RIGHT EARDRUM

SO WE WORE BLACK ARMBANDS WHENWE WENT OUT TO PLAY BASKETBALL.

SO WE HAD LIKE 80,000 ARMBANDS.

WE WERE LIKE DEPRESSED MICHELINBOYS WALKING OUT ON THE FIELD.

IT WAS SORT OF SAD.

AND I WAS THE POINT GUARD,ACTUALLY THE POINTLESS GUARD.

USUALLY THE POINT GUARDDOES THIS;

I WENT, "NO WAYWE'RE GOING TO SCORE.

NO WAY WE'RE GOING TO SCORE."

AND THEN DURING LIKETHE CHAMPIONSHIP GAME--

UNFORTUNATELY, AND I SAY THISWITH ALL DUE RESPECT

THE RABBI WAS THE COACH--

OVERTIME, BIGGEST GAMEOF MY CAREER

RATHER THAN GIVE USA PLAY ON THE CHALKBOARD

HE WOULD SAY, "JUST BRINGPLEASURE TO YOUR FAMILY, BREAK."

AND WE'D GO OUT--WE HAD NO IDEA.

BUT THAT'S WHY I AVERAGED...

ACTUALLY, I WAS THE ONLY GUY

TO AVERAGE MINUSTWO POINTS A GAME.

NOT ONLY DID I NOT SCORE

BUT I GAVE A BUCKETTO THE OTHER TEAM

BECAUSE I FELT GUILTYTHAT I SCORED.

THAT I'M BACK ON TELEVISION.

I GET ON LIKE EVERY FOUR YEARS,DURING ELECTIONS.

IF I WERE SMART,I'D MOVE TO ITALY.

BUT I'D HAVE TO GET USEDTO A TWO-PARTY SYSTEM

SO I'LL JUST STAY RIGHT HERE.

GOOD EVENING, FOLKS,IT'S NICE TO BE ON THE A LIST

AS OPPOSED TO "THE B LIST."

I'VE DONE A LOTOF THE "B LIST" SHOWS

THAT ARE ON ANOTHER CHANNELON CABLE.

THEY BOIL DOWNTO ABOUT NINE WORDS--

I'VE FALLEN AND I CAN'TWRITE A NEW PREMISE.

BUT THIS IS... I'M WORKINGTHE BALCONY, FOLKS.

IT'S VERY NICE UP THERE.

THE CARSON SHOW USEDTO BE THE A LIST.

NOW HAVE YOU NOTICED EVERYONE'SDOING THE TONIGHT SHOW?

IT'S LIKE HE'S BECOMEA LAME DUCK GOVERNOR

GIVING OUT PARDONS.

BUT I GUESS YOU HAVEN'TBEEN WATCHING IT.

I'M GLAD TO BE IN L.A.

I USED TO LIVE OUTHERE IN POMONA

NOW I LIVE IN NEW YORK.

I'M BACK AND I WENTTO THE REAGAN LIBRARY TODAY.

HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?

IT'S REALLY NICE,IT'S VERY ROOMY.

IT'S NOT CLUTTERED WITH BOOKS--

EXCEPT FOR THE ONESTHAT HE'S READ

AND THAT ONE'SBEING CHECKED OUT.

IT'S THE READER'S DIGESTCONDENSED VERSION

OF THE CAT IN THE HAT.

WELL, I SAW THE FORMER GOVERNOR,JERRY BROWN, AT A RALLY

THE ONLY DEMOCRAT IN THE RACE.

HE'S A GOOD MAN,HAS A GREAT MESSAGE.

( as Brown: )WE MUST PUT AN END TO THISCORRUPT POLITICAL PROCESS

THAT GOT ME WHERE I AM TODAY.

( laughter )

HAVE YOU LOOKED AT THIS FIELD?

BILL CLINTON-- OH, GREAT GUY,HE JUST WON IN THE SOUTH

WHICH IS NO SURPRISE

BECAUSE THEY VOTEFOR ANYONE FROM THE SOUTH.

THEY'D VOTE FOR GOOBEROR GOMER PYLE

AS LONG AS THE GUYHAS AN ACCENT.

YOU KNOW, BUSH IS REALLY LUCKY.

HAVE YOU LOOKED AT THE PEOPLERUNNING AGAINST HIM?

YOU GOT DAVID DUKEWHO'S DOING WELL

IN JUST ONE AREA--ORANGE COUNTY.

SO YOU HAVE DUKE,YOU HAVE BUCHANAN

THIS MAKES BUSH LOOK REALLYMODERATE, WHICH HE'S NOT.

IT'S LIKE YOU HAVEHITLER AND MUSSOLINI

AND BUSH IS TOJO, YOU KNOW.

HE'S LUCKY A GUY LIKEBOB DOLE'S NOT RUNNING

WHO'S CONSIDERED A MODERATETO A LOT OF PEOPLE

AND DOLE'S LIKEA VICIOUS CAMPAIGNER

AND HE DOES ITIN THIS DISINGENUOUS WAY.

HE'D TEAR BUSH APART.

YOU SEE THESE TWO GUYS DEBATING?

( as Dole: )I'M HERE TO TALKABOUT THE ISSUES, GEORGE.

DIDN'T COME HERE TO MUDSLING.

NOW, I'VE HEARD THE STORIES

ABOUT GEORGE BUSH WALKINGAROUND IN WOMEN'S CLOTHING.

THAT'S UP TO HIM.

BUT I'M HERE TO TALKABOUT THIS ECONOMY.

IF GEORGE SLEEPS WITH A GUY,THAT'S HIS BUSINESS.

WE GOT TO GETTHIS ECONOMY GOING.

I KNOW YOU JUMPED OUTOF THAT PLANE IN 1943

AND LET THOSE TWO GUYS DIE.

YOU BECAME A HERO,BUT THAT'S OLD NEWS NOW.

WE GOT TO MOVE ON TO...

YOUR THREE SONS ARETHIEVING SCUMBAGS, BUT LET'S...

HE'S NOT WELL.

DID YOU SEE HIM IN JAPAN?

SOMEONE SAID DO AN IMPRESSIONOF THE U.S. ECONOMY, HE WENT...

( laughter )

( as Bush: )HEY, ECONOMY'S ON THE IMPROVE.

YOU GO TO THE POLLS TO VOTE

ASK YOURSELF, AREN'T YOU BETTEROFF NOW THAN YOU WERE IN 1929?

BIG THING FOR HIM IS THE WAR--

IF THAT WAS A WAR.

IF THAT WAS A WAR, THEN SO WASWOUNDED KNEE, YOU KNOW, UM...

OF COURSE, THE BUFFALO HAVEA MUCH LONGER TRADITION

OF DEMOCRACY THANTHE KUWAITIS AND...

YOU LOOK AT THE COUNT,THE CASUALTY COUNT

YOU HAD 300,000 IRAQISKILLED BY THE ALLIES

AND YOU HAD 148 ALLIESKILLED BY THE ALLIES

AND BUSH IS STILL WORKINGON THE GUYS' NAMES--

( as Bush: )SATTAM HASSAN, SATAN HASSAN,SANDINO HASIDIC.

WE ARE NOT AT WARWITH THE PEOPLE OF IRAQ;

WE ARE AT WARWITH THE IRAQI PEOPLE.

BUT HE WAS SO HELL-BENT ON GOINGTO WAR, IT'LL HAPPEN AGAIN.

YOU ALWAYS KNOWWHEN WE GO TO WAR

THEY BRING OUT A GUYLIKE KISSINGER.

WHAT SHOULD WE DO, HENRY?

( as Kissinger: )KILL.

AND THAT LAST WAR

HE PULLED OUT EVERYRATIONALE OUT OF THE HAT.

( as Bush: )WE'RE DOING THIS FOR OIL.

CAN'T USE THAT ONE.

( as Bush: )ALL RIGHT, TO PROTECTOUR WAY OF LIFE.

THAT'S JUST AS CYNICAL.

( as Bush: )RESTORE DEMOCRACY TO KUWAIT.

HEY, PLEASE,THERE'S KIDS AROUND HERE.

( as Bush: )HE'S LIKE HITLER.

USE IT.

( as Bush: )HE'S LIKE HITLER.

HE'S GOING INTO POLAND.

( applause )

REAGAN WOULD HAVE GOT USRIGHT INTO THAT WAR.

YOU KNOW, REAGAN WOULDHAVE GOT US RIGHT IN.

( as Reagan: )LET'S GO, COME ON, GETYOUR ASSES OVER THERE.

HERE'S THE FLAG.

LOOK AT THIS, THERE'S THE FLAG.

OOH, LOOK AT ALLTHOSE COLORS, OOH.

HERE'S A YELLOW RIBBON.

YOU'LL GET ONE OF THESEWHEN YOU GET BACK.

LET'S GO.

SEE, I'M AN ANGRY GUY.

YOU KNOW WHY?

THERE'S NO ANGER LEFTIN THIS COUNTRY.

THERE'S A LITTLE ANGER,BUT IT'S THAT YUPPIE ANGER

THAT ANGER THAT YOU SEEIN THAT AT&T AD

WHERE THE GUY SAYS,"WELL, I AM NOW."

THE STRUNG-OUT YUPPIESTRYING TO GET THROUGH

TO THIS DRUG DEALER IN SRI LANKAAT 3:00 IN THE MORNING.

HE'S HAVINGCOMMUNICATION PROBLEMS.

"YOU'RE NOT DEALING WITH AT&T."

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