Steve Shaffer & Randy Credico

  • Season 1, Ep 0106
  • 02/24/1992

AND I'M AN OLD JEW AND I'M PROUDTO BE HERE FOR COMEDY CENTRAL.

ANYWAY, HERE'S THE DEAL, THOUGH.

I'VE BEEN THINKING,I HAVEN'T SLEPT FOR DAYS.

AND YOU KNOW THAT BECAUSESHE'S MY SWEAT AGENT.

I HAVE A SWEAT AGENT.

BUT I'VE BEEN--IT'S OLYMPIC FEVER NOW

EVERYONE'S THINKING OLYMPICSAND YOU KNOW, WE GET MEDALS

WHATEVER MEDALS MEAN.

AS LONG AS YOU HAVE YOUR HEALTH,QUITE FRANKLY.

BUT I WAS TOO SHORT TO PLAYIN JUNIOR HIGH OR IN HIGH SCHOOL

AND I LOVED SPORTS AND I WASIN THE JEWISH CENTER LEAGUE

AND WE HAD OUR OWN OLYMPICS

AND FORGET THE COLA WARS,WE HAD THE COLON WARS

WHICH WAS SORT OF SAD.

BUT LIKE THE RABBI WAS THEHEAD OF THE SPORTS DEPARTMENT

AND HE SAID,"LET THE INJURIES BEGIN."

WE DIDN'T HAVEA TORCH, YOU KNOW.

AND HE USED TO SAYLIKE IN A HUDDLE

IT WASN'T LIKE HOW YOU WON

IT WAS HOW YOU LOST WASWHAT WAS IMPORTANT

IN THE JEWISH CENTER LEAGUE.

LIKE THE 10-K RUN.

WE HAD A 10-K RUN.

I ACTUALLY DID IT.

I ACTUALLY, LIKE 30 YEARS AGO,I'M RUNNING

I'M 9.8 MILESAND ABOUT 20 FEET FROM THE...

MY MOTHER'S THERE,USUALLY THEY GIVE YOU WATER

AND ARE LIKE, "COME ON,"AND THEY APPLAUD.

MY MOTHER SAYS TO ME

LIKE LITERALLY 20 FEETFROM THE END OF THE RACE

"WHAT DO YOU NEED THIS FOR?COME ON.

"WHAT ARE YOU SCHLEPPING?

THERE'S A GOOD ITALIANRESTAURANT HERE."

BUT I DON'T KNOW.

WE ALSO HAD-- WELL, WE HADCHEERLEADERS, THE SHROUDETTES.

THEY WERE VERY BIG.

WHAT WAS THEIR BEST CHEER?

THEIR BEST CHEER WAS, "BEATOURSELVES, BEAT OURSELVES."

AND THEN WE HAD OUR MASCOT WAS--

HE WAS CALLEDTHE EMBARRASSMENT BOY.

IT WAS SORT OF SAD.

HE WOULD ACTUALLYNEVER SEE A GAME.

HE WOULD HIDEUNDER THE BLEACHERS

TILL THE GAME WAS OVER,THEN HE WOULD COME OUT.

"HOW'D YOU DO?"

I MEAN, HE WASN'T EVEN THERE.

I MEAN, EVEN DURINGTHE CHAMPIONSHIP GAME

BETWEEN THE TWO JEWISH CENTERSIN LIKE THE SAME AREA

BOTH TEAMS CLAIMED DEFEAT,WHICH WAS SORT OF SAD.

I ACTUALLY MADE ITIN MY CONTRACT

I HAVE TO SHOOT IN MY APARTMENT.

SAD, YOU KNOW.

I HAVEMY GRANDMOTHER'S CRINOLINE.

IT WAS IN MY APARTMENT, SHEJUMPED OFF THE CHRYSLER BUILDING

AND AS SHE WAS LEAPINGSHE THREW ME THIS, SO IT'S--

THIS IS IN MY LIVING ROOM.

NOT FUNNY, JUST SOMETHINGI WANTED TO SHARE

WITH FANS OF MINE.

YOU'RE A GREAT AUDIENCE.

I JUST SPIT ON YOUR FOREHEAD.

YOU CAN WIPE IT OFFWHENEVER YOU WANT TO.

I WASN'T LYING ABOUTTHE JEWISH CENTER LEAGUE.

EVERYTHING IN THAT TEMPLE,IN THAT GYM WAS DONATED.

THE TOILET WAS DONATED TO A MAN

WHO HAD A CYSTON HIS RIGHT EARDRUM

SO WE WORE BLACK ARMBANDS WHENWE WENT OUT TO PLAY BASKETBALL.

SO WE HAD LIKE 80,000 ARMBANDS.

WE WERE LIKE DEPRESSED MICHELINBOYS WALKING OUT ON THE FIELD.

IT WAS SORT OF SAD.

AND I WAS THE POINT GUARD,ACTUALLY THE POINTLESS GUARD.

USUALLY THE POINT GUARDDOES THIS;

I WENT, "NO WAYWE'RE GOING TO SCORE.

NO WAY WE'RE GOING TO SCORE."

AND THEN DURING LIKETHE CHAMPIONSHIP GAME--

UNFORTUNATELY, AND I SAY THISWITH ALL DUE RESPECT

THE RABBI WAS THE COACH--

OVERTIME, BIGGEST GAMEOF MY CAREER

RATHER THAN GIVE USA PLAY ON THE CHALKBOARD

HE WOULD SAY, "JUST BRINGPLEASURE TO YOUR FAMILY, BREAK."

AND WE'D GO OUT--WE HAD NO IDEA.

BUT THAT'S WHY I AVERAGED...

ACTUALLY, I WAS THE ONLY GUY

TO AVERAGE MINUSTWO POINTS A GAME.

NOT ONLY DID I NOT SCORE

BUT I GAVE A BUCKETTO THE OTHER TEAM

BECAUSE I FELT GUILTYTHAT I SCORED.