• 10/20/2016

Doug Stanhope was part of a love triangle that turned fatal, Lavell Crawford had a scary near-drowning moment, and Greg Behrendt experienced a cancer scare while on drugs.

- She could be actively suckingmy dick at the bar

while we're getting marriedat the same time,

and dudes would still be going,

"What are you doing later?"

[dark electronic music]

[man roars]

[man roars]

[both snarling]

[dark electronic music]

[man grunting]


[dark electronic music]

[zombie growls]

[gun cocks]

[zombie growls]


- Ladies and gentlemen,so excited to bring him up.

Finally doing my show.

From the--the host of"The Doug Stanhope Podcast,"

Mr. Doug Stanhope!

- This story is aboutrelationships,

and I'm pretending to read it

out of my bookthat just came out,

called "Digging Up Mother:

A Love Story."

Foreword by Johnny Depp.

There's a chick--uh, a lady

I used to datein the late '90s.

She was out of my league.

She was a, uh,

former child star.

One of "People" magazine's

50 most beautifulpeople in the world,

but not one of mine.

But she was, uh--yeah,she was out of my league.

Bu--we had nothing in common.

I don't know if you rememberthe old Coach & Horses.

It's now called the Pikey.

It was this shitty dive bardown on Sunset,

and that's where I hung out.

I just lived there.

Slumped over withmy seahorse posture at the bar

and this fucking A-lister chick,

she was hanging outwith the Kennedys

and going to dinnerwith Rod Stewart,

and I'm not invited.

I'm down fucking offat the Coach & Horses

with the schlubs and--

The relationship ended

where she had--she took some crazy flight--

"I'm going to the CannesFilm Festival."

Really? Can I come?


And I know that she hasthis big shot,

global A-list ex-boyfriend

over there that...

what, I can't come, but you're--

you're gonna be with that guy?

And--and she came back,

And the long versionis in the book.

Doug Stanhope,"Digging Up Mother,"

available now on Amazon.

She comes back and she--

I said,

"So were you with that guy?"

And she goes, "Yeah, I saw him."

And I said,"Did you fuck him?"

I just cornered her.Just said it.

"Did you fuck him?"

And she said, "No."

But then she continued on with,

"But I gave him a blow jobin his car."

You could have just stoppedafter "No."

Like, technically,you wouldn't be lying.

You wouldn't beperjuring yourself.

You didn't have to give methe blow job in the car.

I can't tell you

who the guy is,

but I'll tell youwhat he does for a living.

He's the prince of [bleep].

So I'll just leave it vague.

That's not in the book,

because the lawyerswouldn't allow it.

Now you knowthe rest of the story.

So I go out on--the--you--

you get dumped like that,

and you want to getrevenge pussy.

Like, I'm gonna godrop my dick

into any vacant hole in town.


But all my sewer grade optionswere--

They don't tally up with thefucking prince of [bleep].

Gonna fuck a Denny's waitress--

No, you--

So I--there used to--

I don't knowif it still exists.

There was a--a club called The Union

down on Sunset,and they did comedy.

So I went down,I had a show scheduled,

I show up for an 8:00 show,but they're late.

They haven't unlocked the doors.

So there's a group of people--

I can put this book down now,right, probably?

The book, "Digging"--

You get it.You get it.

So I'm outside of this club,

waiting to go inside,and--and they're closed.

But there's a group ofpeople gathered,

and, uh, there's a girl alone

that was probably, to this day,

the most beautiful woman

I've ever seen in my life.

"People" magazine wasn't there,you know.

And she asked mefor a cigarette,

which triples the attraction.

Like, a girl that hot

that's not trying?

Like, fuck yeah!

She's not a Hollywood chick--

this is an actual hot chick,

and she bums a cigarette,

and I start some small talk.

I'm not good at it,but I--I--

Uh, what comicare you here to see?

Hoping she doesn't saythe wrong name,

'cause the last thingthat you want to hear

is a fuckin' hot girl say she'shere to see a shitty comic.

That would justbreak your heart.

So we have a repertoire.We're talking.

And we carry this insidethe bar when they open it,

and we sit down, and she'sdrinking whiskey straight,

and matching me or better.

For every beer I drink,

she's a whiskey or twoahead of me.

And I'm--this it the fucking--

this is...perfect!

And I didn't tell herthat I was a comedian

or that I was doing the show.

We're just sitting theregetting hammered,

and drinking,and I just waited

till they announced my name,

and then just, "Hey,I'll be back in ten minutes.

Just hold my seat."

And I go up,and I fucking destroyed.

I just went, hey, hang on.

I go--and then I go up,I destroyed.

It was like the scenefrom "Anchorman"

where he plays the jazz flute.

And I just, "Oh, yeah, I'll..."

And I fucking crushed.

It was the best kill move.

Came offstage, sat back downat the bar beside her

like nothing happened.

So anyway, where were we?

I'm not fucking smooth,but I was--

If I can't close this deal,

I don't deserve the paper.

So we're shit-faced,

I bring her downto the Coach & Horses,

which she loves,unlike the girl that dumped me.

Yeah, she's fuckin' all aboutdive bars,

and I introduce herto all my friends there, and--

quickly, 'cause I don't wantthem to steal her.

And we spend the night together,

and, uh, at my apartment.

I wake up to a--a noncommittal,

but nice notewith a phone number.

And, um...

Rebound pussy...

Sometimes you cling to that

with ten times the zeal

of the relationship

you're recovering from

just for fear of an empty bed.

I need you back.

And it turns out she just--

she was living three blocksbehind the Coach & Horses

and she became a regular

at my bar.

With everybody hitting on her.

And I have no claim to that.

Like, I fucked her once,so she's like, "Yeah,

"fucked you, nice to--

Here's a note.Fucked you. That was fun."

So I--I don't have a claim,but--

she's not my girlfriend,but that's my rebound pussy,

and everyone at the baris now hitting on her

now that she's a regular,

and even if I didhave claim to her,

no one would have--she could be

actively sucking my dickat the bar

while we're getting marriedat the same time,

and dudes would still be going,

"What are you doing later?"

I got--

And there was one nightwhere I--

I didn't want to be aggressivewith her.

Like, I'm hands-off,but there was one night--

There was a group of regularsback then

at the bar that I knew.

There's three levelsof regulars.

There's the guy that you hugwhen you come in,

there's the onethat you high-five,

and then there'sthe one you nod at.

This one guy,Lorca was his name.

Lorca, he was a nodder.

He was a third level regular.

And he was this brooding,dour drunk.

He was a runty little fuck,

and--and when he'd get drunk,he'd just--

he was always--he looked like he was always

at the edge of a fistfight,and he just...

But he was always sitting with--

Renee was the girl,the beautiful girl,

and he--I--I noticedhe's sitting with her a lot,

and I thought--is--

is she fucking him?

But I can't ask.

She's just a girl I fucked,

but she's everything I need.

I need you now.

I can't be alonewith the fucking

carnival in my headin my bed.

There was a night where

we ended up playingcat and mouse,


they were sitting together,

and he'd get upto get a drink,

and I'd sneak in, and tryto get her over to my table,

or she'd get up to take a piss

and I'd strategically locatemyself by that end of the bar

so when she came outof the bathroom,

"Hey, I bought you a drink.Come over this way.

Fuck that guy.Come this way."

And it was a--it was a long night

of drinking,where I noticed

Lorca was leering at me.

And I've--I've seen him do this

every nightthat I sit at this bar,

but tonight I think, is--

is he trying to mad dog me?

I-is he--or is he just fucked up?

But he's just staring at me.

He'd come up to my tableand lean on it.

I was like, maybehe's just fucked up.

And at that point, uh,

my, uh, friends Matt Beckerand big fat Ralphie May,

if you know big fat Ralphie May,they show up,

and I go, I don't knowif I'm being paranoid,

but is this guy tryingto start shit with me?

Like, look at howhe's looking at me.

And they're bothmore paranoid that me.

And big fat Ralphie May,"Yeah, Dougie Stanhope.

"Yeah. Yeah, that guy's tryingto start some shit.

Fuck that dude, man."

And I--


But he has done nothing overtly

for me to, like, step up to himand go like,

"Hey, you know, that--the weird look

"on your countenanceis disconcerting.

Can you stop that, sir?"

Like, I--I have nothing to say, but I--

I-I'm sad thatI'm such a coward.

Like, I--

Do I have to man-upto this dude?

Like, the--he's done nothing.

I'm s--I'm--I'm sad

that I'm so deludedby this girl

that I don't even know if I haveto be brave in the first place.

I just--I just want the girl.

So I just let it ruin my night

while he's staring at meand I'm staring at him

and I'm staring at her

and I don't know how to fuckin'close the deal.

So at one point,

they call, "Last call.

You're welcome to be invited toget the fuck out of our bar."

We all funnel out and I'm stilltrying to figure out

how I can close the deal.

Or if I'm gonna have to fuckingfight a dude?

I don't--I don't...

So we walk out of the bar.

Ralphie May,Matt Becker, and I,

we take a left to go to the car,

and this dude Lorcaruns out behind us

to try to cross Sunset Boulevardin a hurry,

and he gets killed

by a speeding car.

[shocked laughter]

Literally knocked himout of his shoes.


I didn't expect the storyto end like that either.


[cheers and applause]

And one thing a white girl could do

that just blew my mind?

She could put her hair behind her ear.

That just...

Oh, my God!

[dark electronic music]

[man roars]

[both snarling]

[dark electronic music]

[man grunting]


[dark electronic music]

[zombie growls]

[gun cocks]

[zombie growls]


An absolutely hilarious comic.

I'm so lucky to have him here.

You guys are gonna love him.

Please give it upfor Lavell Crawford, everybody.

Let him hear it.

- Hell yeah, I'll tell youa story about me drowning.

Uh, yes, I drowned.I literally drowned.

And the audience is like,"Wow, that's amazing,

"you being so large and buoyant.

You--how would you drown?"

Well, it was--it was when I was smaller,

if you can believe it.

I was a little younger.I was a kid.

I was in this day campat this little day care

where, you know, they--my mom, it was free,

so she put me in the day care.

We up there with these littlestupid-ass kids,

and we was like 11 and 12,so he was--

I used to beat them up

and take the peanut butterand jelly sandwiches, you know,

and our counselor,she was, you know,

she was--she smoked weed.

She was a--she was a whore.

You know what I'm saying?

She was nasty, and she didn'tknow what to do with us.

We didn't have no artsand crafts or nothing.

She didn't do shit with us.

We just hung out, playing--

making up our own games, man--

"Kiss me, you can finger me."

You know, them little--

And that got old after a while

and they ran out of hand soap,

so that--that--

that wasn't gonna bea fun night, you know.

You know, but I--when I--

And this--this day campwas in a, uh,

you know,predominantly, you know,

suburb--may I say,you know,

like it is in here,more whites than blacks,

you know, and--and I used to live in the hood,

you know, and when I gotaround white people,

there was a lot of thingsthat was different.

White people have season passesto Six Flags,

and they could goa bunch of times.

But the main thing wasthe white girls.

That threw me for a loop.

I had never seena white girl before.

I had never seen nobody namedRebecca or Samantha

or Elizabeth, you know?

I--I was around Lakeeshasand Sharondas.

You know what I'm saying?

You know, Chiquita, you know,that was my girls,

and when I seen Elizabeth, man,oh, my God.

She was cute,she had red hair,

and her cheeks were, like,rosy like a cartoon,

like Charlie Brown, you know.

Little Charlie Brown girl youhad a crush on back in the day.

Her cheeks was red.

And one thinga white girl could do

that just blew my mind?

She could put her hairbehind her ear.

That just...

Oh, my God!

That was so sexy to me!

I was like, holy shit!

Do that again, Elizabeth.

She's like, "What are youtalking about?"

Oh, man, I was--

I'd break out in a cold sweat.I could--

I was in love with her from--

from that day on.

I followed her everywhere.

"Please put your hairbehind your ears for me.

Just for the day."

"Lavell, I'm sick ofdoing this for you."


And--and this little--little girl

that was from my neighborhood,her name was Shakeesha.

She couldn't stand me 'causeshe loved me.

She was--had a crush on me,

but she was mad'cause I liked Elizabeth.

She went to the day camp too.

"Why you like that littleugly white girl?

Why you likethat ugly white girl?"

I said "First of all,watch your damn mouth

"around my white woman,all right?

"You're being highlydisrespectful.

"Second of all, Shakeesha,

can you put your hairbehind your ear? Huh?"

She said, "Yeah, I can."

She tried, and it popped out,

and she tried again,it popped out.

I said, "I ain't got no morefucking time for you,

all right?"

She said, "Let me getsome hair oil."

Fuck that,I ain't got no time!

If you can't do it on your own,you don't

need to do it at all.

So, one--you know, one day,we was at day camp,

and we was trying to--

we were supposed to go to a--a--you know,

go do somethingwith the counselor,

and she couldn't find outnothing to do,

but she wanted to seeher boyfriend.

I heard her on the phonetalking to him.

"I'm gonna come over, Robert.

"I'm gonna seeif I can get away.

I'm gonna bring the kids overand let 'em go swimming."

I heard her say it,and I was like,

fuck it, I'll go swimming,

if you gonna take us swimming.

You know, kids love to swim,you know.

I don't--I couldn't swim.I'm black.

We don't swim.You know, black kids don't swim.

We learned later after one ofour friends died,

we'd learn how to swim.

You know? And we--

This is black swimming:when we're at three feet,

we walking on the water, like,

whoa, look at me,I'm swimming, player!

We just go over and putour foot on the deep--

ooh, shit,I almost got in there!

And that's how--that's how black--

that's howblack pool parties are.

We don't go in the deep shit.

We jump off the diving boardclose to the side and get out.

If somebody try to push you,"Bitch, I'll fuck you up,

"if you push me again.

Stop playing.I just got my hair done."

But we--we don't--we don't swim.

But I wanted to go,and she said, "Hey, guys,

"I'm gonna take you overto my apartment complex,

but you can't tell anybodywhere we're going."

'Cause she wasn'tsupposed to take us

away from, you know,the day care center.

We wasn't supposed to leavethe premises,

but she doing some foul shit.

She said--we went over there.

She didn't even watch--she watched us for five minutes.

We was unsupervised.

All these 11, 12 years old,all by ourself.

And it was cool'cause I was trying

to get up on Beth anyway,

so, you know,we jump in the water.

I had on my little Aquaman,uh, swim shorts.

They tight up--a little tight up in my crotch.

You know,I'm ready to get out there

and follow Beth around the pool.

She was cool as long was we wasin, you know, three feet,

but Beth was tryingto get away from me.

Apparently she wasn't as into meas I thought she was.

But I was like,"What's wrong, Beth?

"Come on, baby. Slow down.

Put your hair behind your earand let's talk."

You know, and she kept going,"Leave me alone,"

and she just started floating,and I'm following her,

you know, and I'm mesmermizedby her beauty, you know.

Her--the hair behind her earsjust have me hip--

hypmatized, and I'm--I'm following her

all the way over there,and then I noticed

that I wasn't paying attention.

I'm still walkingunder the water,

but the waterover my damn nose.

But I kept walking with her.

Next thing you know,she took off like a feather.

Just floating across the water,'cause she white.

They know how to swim.

She swam real well,like a damn mermaid.

And I went underthe damn water.

I didn't know what--I'm under the water.

Bloop!I'm sitting around like...

This is weird.

Why ain't I floating like Beth?

I don't know what I can do

to get up on the waterlike Beth,

and man, this is weird,

because I don't know why

I can't breathe now.

And I'm under there,"This is bullshit!"

I'm gonna...[sputtering].

And I didn't know what to do.

I was trying to get up,

but I couldn't get up,I couldn't get up.

Next thing you know,I've disappeared.

In my mind, I was gone,

and all I dreamed aboutis white women

just leaving meall over the place.

And when I woke up,

I'm laying onthe side of the pool.

The camp counselor,she freaking out, like,

"Oh, shit, I'm gonnalose my fucking job."

Fuck me.Hell with me.

She didn't careif I was alive or not.

She worried about her job'cause she wasn't even there.

She was over there, probablydoing some ungodly shit

with her boyfriend,

smelling like marijuana.

And the paramedic's tryingto give me mouth-to-mouth,

which, that woke me up, 'cause

you ain't gonna putyour lips on me

and I don't know you.

I came through,and I threw up.

I had died--they said I wasunconscious for ten minutes.

I was dead! I died!

And I'm sitting there,like, damn,

I--I died?

And Beth? Where is Beth?

Beth's stinking ass hadwent home with her parents.

They had sent everybody home,and she left me.

That dirty bitch.

And after that, I didn't like

white girls never again.

I went back to Shakeesha.

I said, "Shakeesha,

"I don't care if you can't putyour hair behind your ears.

"Can you swim?

"Fuck swimming.

You gonna be my boo for life."

That's my story.[applause]

I became the most sophisticated masturbator

on the planet.

I did--I jerked off to Rubens, Seurat, Botticelli.

I painted the Louvre daily in semen.

[dark electronic music]

[man roars]

[both snarling]

[dark electronic music]

[man grunting]


[dark electronic music]

[zombie growls]

[gun cocks]

[zombie growls]


Ladies and gentlemen, very, very funny man.

He's got his own podcast you got to check out.

Please give it up for Mr. Pete Johansson, everybody!

Let him hear it!

- I'm gonna do a little story,kind of about my family and love

and stuff like that--all thosesweet ideas right there.

I don't think I could havetold this story before,

like, had he asked me to do thisin my 20s,

'cause the only person I lovedwas myself back in my 20s.

I really did. I really did.

I actually--the only thingthat made me cry

in my twenties was thinking ofmyself dying.

I, um--I discovered thatin acting class.

I was serious.I would think of myself dying

and I'd think about myselfdeparting the earth

and think how sad it was foreverybody else, and I'd cry.

And, um...I know! [laughs]

That's twisted, right?

But I grew up, so now thatI'm in my 40s, something--

And now that I'm older,I can, uh,

talk a little bit more honestlyabout stuff like this.

So--I don't have a table.



But I was--

I've recently gone throughquite an experience with my mom,

and this story's gonna dealwith a lot with my mom,

and she's an amazing woman.

She's the coolest.She's the coolest.

Say anything bad about my mom,

I'll kill you.I will.

I love my mom. Yeah.Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Uh, raised me as a--she was an artist and a nurse.

Mainly an artist.

From a very young age,she exposed me to art,

trying to get me to understandthe finer things in life

and be really sophisticated,understanding--

sort of value the beauty inthe world and stuff like that.

From like five or six,she'd have me up in her studio

in her room and uh,

just watching her paintand stuff like that.

And first nudes I ever saw.First nudes I ever saw,

uh, were my mom's paintings,which is kind of cool.

Like, and, uh...

Not really good nudes.

I mean, this is rural Canada.

Not a lot of great people posedfor art.

Uh, you didn't have the sexiestpeople you've ever seen

in my mom's art shows,but they came in handy

when I startedgoing through puberty.

And um--I know. Isn't that gross?

And I'm not even making that up.

The first thingI ever masturbated to

were sketches my mom's made.

Um...I know!

I know--it's--

it's horrible.


That lasted until I foundher art books,

and then--oh, her art bookswere amazing.

I became the most sophisticatedmasturbator on the planet.

I did--I jerked off to Rubens,Seurat, Botticelli,

uh, Gustav Klimt.

I--I painted the Louvre dailyin semen.

I, um--

Love masturbating.

And all my mom saw was mewalking up to my room

with art books."Oh, my little boy loves art.

Look at him."

I loved art back then.I did.

Then a weird thing happened;we moved.

I was raised in a very...religious family

and my dad lostall of our money.

Not through bad business,but because he became religious.

He became a Lay Franciscan monkand without telling my mom

or anybody else in the family,

he donated all our moneyto charity,

and we went broke.[laughs]

And we had to move.

And so we moved.

And I quickly put my stuffin boxes,

and I had acquireda little porn by that point.

And, uh, I remember writing ona box "do not look inside.

This is mine."And I put it in the truck,

assumingnobody would look inside.

Uh, I was a naive child.I really was.

So, uh, I didn't think muchabout it.

When we got to the new place,the box was missing.

About a month later,before school one morning,

about 6:00 a.m.,my mom walks into the room.

Door opens.Light flips on.

I was like, "What's going on?"

Mom drags a chair behind her.

Under her arm is that box.

I'm like, "Oh, shit."

And she sits downnext to me in the bed,

and she goes, "Pete,I'm a little concerned.

"I know how much you love art,

"but I found these magazinesand I--

"I think the best thing to dois for me to sit here

and go through them with you."

[audience groans]


The very top magazine wasa "Hustler," I'll never forget.

It was the first oneI ever bought.

And it had this blonde-hairedChinese girl on it--

I don't remember her name,but oh.

And my mom picks up the magazine

and she flips itto the first pictorial

and there's a pictureof this naked girl,

and then she goes, "Well, look--look at her.

"She's a beautiful woman.There's nothing wrong with that.

She takes good care of herself."

And thenshe flips the page over.

"And look, that's a nice photo.It's very artistically posed.

"She's--leans over, that lightcatches her very nicely.

That's all right."

And thenshe flips the page over.

And the next just two full pages

of just a close-upof her vagina.

Just this massive pussyjust staring out.

And my mom's just...


Just that delicate little "oh"just crushed me right there.

She's like, "Is that how weshould look at women?

"Is that what women are,just--just a vagina?

"Just a part?Just an object?

"Is that--is that her?

"Is that all we shouldlook at them as?

"Just a utilized devicefor your own gratification,

is that what a woman is?Is it?"

I go, "No, Mom, I don't evenlook at that page.

I skip right over that one."

She flips the page

and she goes throughthe entire magazine like this.

And I love my mom, but, boy,

she knew how tofuck up a kid's puberty.

And I thought it messed me up.I-I really did.

For the longest time, I thoughtthis might have turned me

into a weirdo, but actually kindof made me into a good person.

That's kind of the amazing thingabout my mom.

She had a roundabout wayof making me better, you know?

My mom got cancerquite shortly after that.

It wasn't like--it was--it wasa weird type of cancer.

I don't know ifanybody's experienced this,

but it's a kind of cancer whereit doesn't seem to kill her.

She got diagnosed with cancerand she had it for 25 years.

Twenty-five years of cancer.

That's the Canadianmedical system, people.


Fight for it.

But after a while of herbeing sick with cancer,

I didn't pay attention to it.I didn't focus on it.

I just took it for grantedthat she was sick.

And then about fouror five years ago,

I was in Switzerland, doing gigsand doing shows,

and I got a phone call.I was in Lucerne.

I remember, 'causemy sister's voice on the phone--

you know when you pick up thephone, there's always--

you know there's something bad,you know?

I heard this crackingin her voice,

and she goes, "Pete,you gotta get home."

I go, "What's wrong?"

And she goes, "Well, it's Mom.

She's not--you gotta get home."

I go, well, my gig's finishedin three days

and I'll catch a flight home.

She goes "No no.You gotta get hom now."

And you tell when you hearthat in your voice,

like, this isn't--this--I don'tgot time to fuck around.

I gotta go now.And I've never done this before.

I grabbed my stuff,I told the promoter

I was leaving,I got in a taxi cab.

I had a little app on my phonefor plane tickets,

and I bought a plane ticket,

on the app on the wayto the airport.

It cost me fortune.

But I did it 'cause I neededto get home

to see my mom, you know?

And I got to the airport

and the flight was leavingin about an hour.

I had a carry-on bag.I go up to the counter.

And I go, hey, I bought a ticketon the way here.

Here's my passport, here's this.Gotta get on the flight.

And the lady's, "Okay, okay.

Do you have a printoutof the ticket?"

And I go, no, no,I did it on your app.

Got no printout in the taxion the way here.

And she goes, "Well, I can'tlet you on the plane

if you don't have a printoutof the ticket.

And I go, that's crazy,it's crazy, I have an app.

I can't print out anything.Could you print it out for me?

She goes,"I can't print it out;

you need a printoutor you can't get on the plane."

I go, well,that's fucking crazy.

And she goes--and she goes--"If you swear,

"I will have todeny you boarding.

You won't be getting onany planes today."

And I'm like, what?Wh--my mom--

And I explained to her my mom's,you know, she's really sick.

I gotta get home.This is fucking nuts.

And she goes, "You swore again!If you do this again,

you're gone,"and I didn't know what to do.

And I was panicking.And I did the craziest thing.

And I don't knowif you've ever encountered

this sort ofdehumanizing bureaucracy

when people try to put youin a place

and limit your expression

because they'rejust following rules

and not treating youlike a human.

Like a little object.But I just, [growls].

I growled at her.

I-I-I--it just--it came from my soul.

[growling]And I--

And people started lookingat the airport,

like, "What's going on?"

And I didn't knowwhat else to do,

because I couldn't swearbut I had all this--

[snarls]And the manager walked over.

He goes, "What's going on here?"

And I just--tears are comingdown my face at this point,

and I go, listen, my mom'sdying, and I gotta get home,

and she won't let me geton the plane.

And the guy goes, "Don't worry.

I'll get you on the plane.I'll take care of this."

And I growled my way ontothe fucking plane.

I miraculously got home in time.

I saw her.She was still lucid.

She was in a great deal of pain,

but I got to talk to my mom

before, uh, you know,before she passed.

But she was in a lot of painand my dad showed up,

the joyous, loving manthat he is.

My dad's incredibly religiousin a crazy way.

He believesall these crazy things,

and one of the things he didwhile my mom was suffering

was he went to the doctors

and told them notto give her painkillers.

I don't know if there'sany Catholics in here,

but there's something calledPurgatory in Catholicism.

And one of the thingsthey do is that,

if you suffer a lot of pain,you can offer that pain up

to some poor souls in Purgatorythat will

advance your admissioninto Heaven.

Crazy idea,but my mom was in pain,

and he was withholdingpainkillers,

and I was like,no, you can't do that.

And we got in this huge fight,but the doctor came in,

and goes, "Well, he isher husband.

He gets to decide what kind ofpain management she gets."

So I can't give her painkillers.

This is insane, you know?

So I got my brotherto trick him outside,

and I went to a nurse and this--I fucking love nurses.

And I explained it to her.

It's like, my mom'sin a lot of pain.

She used to be a nurse.

She goes, "I'll take care of it.

Your dad's an asshole."

And I...[laughs]

Yeah, nurses!Ugh, I love 'em.

But my mom, she--that was the moment, you know?

And they give her a little bitof a thing,

and called meher little fuzzy bear

and she went into a coma.

And that was it; that was thelast time I ever talked to her.

She stayed in that coma fora couple of days, though.

She didn't come out of it,and I was like...

I couldn't--I wanted to stickaround, but I couldn't,

'cause I have a familyI have to support.

I gotta keep doing showsand it's, as much as it sucks,

I flew away, and I landed and Ihad to go on stage next night.

I got a phone calljust before going on stage

that she passed away.

It was like 30 minutesbefore going onstage.

You know, I was just--I was dying.

I was dying,but I went onstage.

I got in front of peoplelike you,

and I just got up thereand I...

And people acted like, that'shorrible that you went onstage,

told jokes the nightyour mom died.

No, it was fuckin' an oasis.

It was the best thingI ever experienced,

'cause it was everything thatshe put in me to become this,

to do comedy, to be in frontof people.

It invigorated me.

And I just--and I loved it.I loved it.

Now, in quick epilogue,about two years ago,

I was back home in my hometown.

And I got a phone callfrom my sister again.

Oh, she's always bringinggood news.

And, uh...[laughs]

And she calls and she goes, uh,

"Listen, it lookslike Dad's dying,"

and I go, oh,huh, that's too bad.

And, uh...[laughs]

And she goes, "Well, there'snobody there with him.

"He's all alone and you're onlya couple hours away.

And it's up to you."

I remember staying up that nightand just going agh, ugh,

and I ended up waking up atfive in the morning,

and I drove and I drove and wentand saw him in the hospital.

And there he was,this bitter...

Just bitter, frail, thin man,lying in the bed.

None of the awful stuff he didreally--

didn't look like he was capableof it anymore,

just lying there, emaciated,just...and the thing...

And I had all these thingsI wanted to tell him, you know?

All this--how his religionfucked up my life

and all this stuffI wanted to say.

I wanted to whisper in his earand tell him he didn't deserve

the nothingness he wasabout to encounter.

Yeah, it's a fucked up thought,isn't it,

for a religious person?

But I didn't.I didn't.

I saw him, 'cause I was raisedby my mom, not him.

And I just held his handand I watched him.

And the weirdest thingfucking happened.

Nurse came in.My dad was in a lot of pain.

And asked "What do you want?Do you want--

Do you want us to give himsome pain medication?"

And I was like...[chuckles]

You gotta be kidding me.No! I want you to wake him up.

I want him to feelevery fucking bit of this,

is what I thought to myself.

But I didn't.

I told them to give himthe pain medication.

Because there was a weird lessonin my mom showing me that porn.

There was! There's thisweird little lesson

in my mom showing me this pornwhere she told me

not to look atthese little objects,

to look at just a vaginaand think that was a woman.

It's just like him; I can't seehim as just an asshole.

He's not.He's an entire person.

And in that last moment,I made the right decision,

and we...and he passed awaywithout pain.

And that's my happylittle story!

[dark electronic music]