July 22, 2014 - Julia Ioffe

  • 07/22/2014

Rep. Steve Pearce investigates the child immigrant crisis, P.K. Winsome offers advice on impeaching Obama, and Julia Ioffe discusses the Russia-Ukraine conflict.

>> Stephen: WELCOME TO "THEREPORT"!

THANK YOU FOR JOINING US, LADIESAND GENTLEMEN!

(AUDIENCE CHANTING "STEPHEN")

>> Stephen: THANK YOU VERY MUCH!

THANK YOU LADIES ANDGENTLEMEN! (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Stephen: FOLKS, IF YOUARE WATCHING THE NEWS,

AND I HOPE YOU ARE BECAUSE ITHELPS YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT

I'M GONNA BE TALKING ABOUTTONIGHT, WE

ARE ALL PAINFULLY AWARE OF THEONGOING TRAGEDY ALONG OUR

SOUTHERN BORDER.

DESPITE OUR BEST INTENTIONS, ITREMAINS IMPOSSIBLE TO PAIR AN

OUTFIT WITH TURQUOISE JEWELRY!

(LAUGHTER)DON'T BELIEVE THE MAN AT THE

KIOSK, YOU WILL LOOK LIKE ANEXTRA FROM DANCES WITH WOLVES

(LAUGHTER)ANOTHER BIG ISSUE FROM DOWN

THERE, THOUSANDS OF CENTRALAMERICAN CHILDREN POURING OVER

THE BORDER AND THE PRESIDENT ISDOING NOTHING TO STOP IT.

AND IT'S NO WONDER.

ALL THAT JUMPING AND RUNNING ONTRAINS, I'M SURE IT'S PART OF

THE FIRST LADY'S LET'S MOVECAMPAIGN.

FOR MONTHS NOW WE'VE BEEN SOLD ABILL OF GOODS THAT THESE KIDS

ARE FLEEING PLACES BACK HOMELIKE SAN PEDRO SULA, HONDURAS,

KNOWN AS THE MURDER CAPITALAROUND THE WORLD. THOUGH I AM

DUBIOUS OF THAT TITLE. THEY'REPROBABLY PADDING THE

NUMBERS BY LUMPING IN THE MURDERSUBURBS. SAN PEDRO SULA HEIGHTS

FORTUNATELY, CONGRESS SENT A7 MEMBER DELEGATION ON A FACT

FINDING MISSION TO HONDURAS ANDGUATEMALA. AND THE TRUTH

COULD NOT BE MORE WHAT I WANT ITTO BE. ACCORDING TO REP. PEARCE,

MOST IMMIGRANTS FROM CENTRALAMERICA ACCORDING TO THE

ARE DRIVEN BY ECONOMIC REASONSNOT FEAR OF

PHYSICAL DANGER IN THEIRHOMELAND.

THAT IS A WELCOME RELIEF.

THESE KIDS AREN'T WORRIED ABOUTVIOLENCE, ONLY ABOUT STARVATION.

(LAUGHTER)FOLKS, YOU KNOW YOU CAN TRUST

PEARCE'S FINDINGS BECAUSE HECULTIVATED AN INTIMATE

UNDERSTANDING OF THE REGIONDURING A VISIT TO GUATEMALA AND

HONDURAS OVER THE COURSE OF THEWEEKEND.

(LAUGHTER)IT'S REALLY ALL YOU NEED.

I LEARNED ALL ABOUT THE DESERTBY SPENDING A WEEKEND AT BURNING

MAN.

TURNS OUT THE DESERTIS FULL OF DRUGS AND IMPRACTICAL

BICYCLES.

AND CONGRESSMAN PEARCE FOUND NOEVIDENCE OF DANGER ANYWHERE HE

LOOKED, WHICH IT TURNS OUT WASMAINLY AROUND THE HOTEL LOBBY,

AS PEARCE SAID, HE AND THE RESTOF THE HOUSE DELEGATION DID NOT

VENTURE FROM THEIR HOTEL VERYOFTEN BECAUSE OF THE DANGERS.

(APPLAUSE)THE POINT IS --

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)BOTTOM LINE, THESE IMMIGRANT

CHILDREN ARE NOT REFUGEES,THEY'RE JUST PARASITES LOOKING

FOR JOBS, AND IF I WERE THEM IWOULD TRY TO GET ONE AT THAT

HOTEL BECAUSE APPARENTLY IT ISTHE ONLY SAFE PLACE IN TOWN

(LAUGHTER)NOW, NATION, IF YOU'RE ANYTHING

LIKE ME, YOU GET ALL YOUR NEWSFROM ME.

I RECENTLY LEARNED A BOMBSHELLFROM MYSELF.

I WAS CATCHING UP ON OLDEPISODES OF "THE DAILY SHOW"

WHEN I CAME ACROSS SOMETHINGTHAT REALLY CAUGHT ME WITH MY

PANTS DOWN -- AND, YES, THAT'SHOW I WATCH THE DAILY SHOW.

(LAUGHTER)IT'S THAT GOOD.

AND THIS SEGMENT BLEW MY PANTSBACK ON.

>> JON, THIS IS GOING TO COMEAS SOMETHING OF A SHOCK TO YOU.

>> YOU'RE ENDING YOUR SHOW.

JON, PLEASE. I'M ENDING MY SHOW.

I HAVE TO, JON, DON'T BEG ME TOSTAY.

>> ALL RIGHT.

YOU SEE, THERE IS NO MOUNTAINLEFT FOR ME TO CLIMB.

IT'S BECOME CLEAR TO ME THATI'VE WON TELEVISION.

YES.

(APPLAUSE)"THE COLBERT REPORT," THANK

YOU.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU, MY FRIENDS.

THANK YOU, NATION.

YES, "THE COLBERT REPORT" ISCOMING TO AN END.

(AUDIENCE REACTS)>> Stephen:, NO, NO, DON'T BE

SAD.

I'LL STILL BE GREAT.

YOU JUST WON'T GET TO SEE ITANYMORE. THE TIME IS RIGHT.

I WON TELEVISION JUST IN TIMEFOR IT TO TURN INTO NETFLIX.

I'VE DONE ALL I SET OUT TOACCOMPLISH, SPOKE TRUTH TO

POWER, WON THE IRAQ WAR AND METTHE MOST INFLUENTIAL

SCANDINAVIAN HIP-HOP-SWINGFUSION GROUP OF 2009.

AND I HAVE BUT ONE REGRET --BARACK OBAMA WILL OUTLAST ME IN

OFFICE, WITH TWO YEARS OF NOCOLBERT TO REIN THIS MAN IN!

BY THE TIME HE LEAVES IN 2016,EVERYONE IN AMERICA WILL BE

POT-SMOKING GAY IMMIGRANTS IN APOLYGAMOUS RELATIONSHIP WITH A

BIRACIAL BOX TURTLE!

(LAUGHTER)THANKFULLY, THERE IS ONE LAST

HOPE FOR STOPPING HIM.

>> CALLS FOR PRESIDENT OBAMA'SIMPEACHMENT ARE INCREASING.

>> PROMINENT OUTSIDECONSERVATIVE VOICES HAVE CALLED

FOR PRESIDENT OBAMA TO BEIMPEACHED.

>> IMPEACHMENT IS A MESSAGE THATHAS TO BE SENT TO OUR

PRESIDENT THAT WE'RE NOT GOINGTO PUT UP WITH THIS LAWLESSNESS.

>> Stephen: YOU CAN TRUSTSARAH PALIN ON IMPEACHMENT

BECAUSE SHE IS AN EXPERT OFLEAVING OFFICE IN THE MIDDLE OF

A TERM(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

I SAY IT IS TIME TO DO THISTHING!

IMPEACHING IS WHAT REPUBLICANSDO BEST!

LET'S MAKE BARACK OBAMA JUST ASUNPOPULAR AS BILL CLINTON!

AND I HAVE NO DOUBT THAT ALL OFMY FELLOW CONSERVATIVES STAND

WITH SARAH -->> WHAT'S YOUR RESPONSE TO

GOVERNOR PALIN?

>> I DISAGREE.

WHAT ABOUT THE FOLKS IN YOURCONFERENCE ROOM CALLING FOR

IMPEACHMENT?

>> I DISAGREE.

THINK SARAH PALIN IS WRONG.

LOOK, THIS ISN'T THE TIME FOR USTO GO INTO THAT EXERCISE.

>> WE ARE NOT WORKING ON ORDRAWING UP ARTICLES OF

IMPEACHMENT.

>> I THINK IT'S A DISTRACTIONTHAT'S NOT SHARED BY MOST

REPUBLICANS.

>> BUT I WANT TO IMPEACH HIMNOW!

I'VE ALREADY SENT OUT OFMY FLYERS FOR MY IM-PIZZA

PARTY!

(APPLAUSE)BUT, FOLKS, NO MATTER WHAT

HAPPENS, I HAVE GOT TO KEEPTALKING ABOUT IT.

WE ALL HAVE GOT TO KEEP TALKINGABOUT IT BECAUSE IMPEACHMENT IS

A MONEYMAKER.

LOOK AT FORMER CONGRESSMAN ANDACTOR PLAYING GREY-HAIRED MAN IN

COMMUNITY THEATER ALLEN WEST.

IN A RECENT EMAIL TO SUPPORTERS,WEST WROTE, TODAY SARAH PALIN

JOINED TENS OF THOUSANDS OFCONSERVATIVES WHEN SHE CALLED

FOR IMPEACHMENT OF BARACK OBAMA.

IN LIGHT OF THIS GROWINGMOVEMENT, I'VE DECIDED TO OPEN

THE GUARDIAN FUNDS IMPEACHMENTSURVEY FOR A LIMITED TIME.

WILL YOU MAKE AN EMERGENCYCONTRIBUTION OF $5 OR MORE RIGHT

AWAY SO WE CAN GET THIS SURVEYINTO THE HANDS OF AS MANY

CONSERVATIVES AS POSSIBLE?

THAT IS A MAN YOU CAN TRUST.

HE'S GOT A VAGUE PLAN WHERE YOUDO ALL THE WORK AND PAY HIM $5.

SIGN ME UP!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)FOR THE RECORD, ANYONE OUT THERE

KEEPING SCORE, IT'S NOT JUST THEG.O.P.

DEMOCRATS ARE ALSO USINGIMPEACHMENT TALK TO GIN UP

DONATIONS LIKE THE DEMOCRATICCONGRESSIONAL CAMPAIGN COMMITTEE

WHO SENT TWO E-MAILS WITHSUBJECTS LIKE "BREAKING

IMPEACHMENT" AND NETTED NEARLY10,000 DONATIONS IN JUST 24

HOURS.

WOW, TO MAKE THAT KIND OF MONEYTHAT FAST YOU USUALLY HAVE TO GO

ONTO KICKSTARTER AND SAY YOUWANT TO MAKE POTATO SALAD

(LAUGHTER)SO WHETHER OR NOT YOU AGREE WITH

IMPEACHMENT, IT MIGHT BE A GOODINVESTMENT.

WE TURN TO MY GOOD FRIEND,AFRICAN-AMERICAN REPUBLICAN

AND BLACK-TREPRENEUR, P.K.WINSOME! ALWAYS GOOD TO SEE YOU

P.K. WINSOME, EVERYBODY, COMEON!

P.K., COME ON, GIVE IT TO ME,BROTHER, YEAH.

ALL RIGHT.

P.K. WINSOME, THANKS FOR BEINGHERE, MY FRIEND.

>> ABSOLUTELY, STEPHEN.

>> Stephen: P.K., IT'S ALWAYSPLEASURE TO HAVE YOU IN THE

HIZZOUSE.

THAT'S...THAT'S CORRECT.

>> Stephen: YOU ARE NOT ONLY ASUCCESSFUL BUSINESSMAN, I

UNDERSTAND YOU TRAFFIC IN STOLENKIDNEYS, SNAKE VENOM,

ELEPHANT IVORY SEX TOYS -->> GUILTY AS CHARGED -- UNLESS

I'M BEING CHARGED WITH ANY OFTHOSE THINGS.

>> Stephen: P.K., LET'S GET TOTHE HEAT OF THE MEAT. DO YOU

BELIEVE WE SHOULD IMPEACHIMPEACH PRESIDENT OBAMA?

>> WELL STEPHEN THAT'S AVERY SERIOUS SUBJECT.

WHICH IS WHY I'VE CREATED THISSURVEY

"IMPEACHMENT, A VERY SERIOUSSUBJECT?"

FOR $5, I'LL SEND THIS SURVEY TOYOUR HOME SO WE CAN FIGURE OUT

HOW SERIOUS A PROBLEMIMPEACHMENT IS.

Stephan: WHAT A GREAT CAUSE.WHERE DOES THE MONEY GO?

EVERY CENT GOES TO THE P.K.WINSOME ACTION SHIELD TRUST

NETWORK WHICH USES THOSE $5DONATIONS TO SEND OUT A

SECOND SURVEY ASKING FOR A $10DONATION. I CAN'T WAIT.

>> Stephen: PEOPLE AREEXCITED.

>> YEAH.

THEY LOVE A GOOD DEAL.

>> Stephen: YEAH.

I CAN'T WAIT TO GET THE RESULTS,STEPHEN.

>> Stephen: IMPORTANT WORK,P.K.

HERE'S MY $5, I'M IN.

>> GREAT.

>> Stephen: P.K., I WANT TOIMPEACH THE PRESIDENT.

WHAT CAN I DO WITH YOUR HELP TOMAKE THAT HAPPEN?

>> MM-HMM, YEAH.

WELL, STEPHEN, I HAVE ASTEP-BY-STEP PLAN TO IMPEACH

PRESIDENT OBAMA.

IT'S ALL IN MY NEW BOOK -- LOOKOUT, OBAMA, YOU'RE BEING

IMPEACHED!

>> Stephen: THAT'S A STRONGMESSAGE.

BUT LET'S PRETEND I DON'T WANTTO IMPEACH THE PRESIDENT.

ANYTHING I CAN DO TO STOP IT?

>> YES!

BUY MY BOOK, "LOOK OUT, OBAMA,YOU'RE BEING IMPEACHED!"

>> Stephen: SORRY FOR ASKINGBUT IS THAT THE SAME BOOK?

>> GOOD EYE, STEPHEN.

IT'S A CHOOSE YOUR OWNADVENTURE.

ON EACH PAGE, YOU DECIDE WHETHEROR NOT TO IMPEACH PRESIDENT

OBAMA.

SPOILER ALERT, NO MATTER WHICHWAY YOU CHOOSE, HE IS EATEN BY A

DRAGON.

>> Stephen: THANKS FOR ALL THEWORK.

KEEP US UPDATED ON ALL THEFUTURE OPPORTUNITIES.

>> ACTUALLY, I DO HAVE ONE MOREOPPORTUNITY.

IF YOU ARE A FAN OF ORPARTICIPANT IN HISTORY, YOU WILL

NOT WANT TO MISS THIS EXCLUSIVEOPPORTUNITY TO OWN AN HONORARY

DOCTORATE OF FINE ARTS FROM KNOXCOLLEGE.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)THIS WAS ONCE BESTOWED ON TV'S

STEPHEN COLBERT.

>> Stephen: P.K., THAT'S MYDOCTORATE.

THAT'S FROM MY SET.

(LAUGHTER)>> ABSOLUTELY.

AND WITH THE SHOW ENDING, IT'S ACOLLECTOR'S ITEM -- FOR JUST

$5,000.

ACT NOW AND I'LL ALSO THROW INTHIS 2013 EMMY FOR THE --

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)-- IT'S FOR "THE COLBERT REPORT

YOU KNOW, STEPHEN, THIS WILLLOOK GREAT ON YOUR SHELF.

>> Stephen: I CAN GET BOTH FOR$5,000?

>> FOR A LIMITED TIME.

>> Stephen: IT'S A DEAL, MYFRIEND.

(LAUGHTER)P.K. WINSOME, EVERYBODY.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,

EVERYBODY!

FOLKS, ANYBODY WHO'S WATCHEDTHIS SHOW FOR ANY LENGTH OF TIME

KNOWS THAT I AM AN ENORMOUS FANOF CELEBRITY POWER COUPLES LIKE

BRANGELINA, KIMYE AND FILLIAM H.

MUFFMAN.

UNFORTUNATELY, THE WORLDRECENTLY COST SUPERSTAR ATHLETE

COUPLE RORY McILROY ANDCAROLINE WOZNIACKI, OR AS

THEY'RE KNOWN BY THEIR POWERCOUPLE NAME McCOROLLARY

WINSOCKY.

HE'S A PROFESSIONAL GOLFER,SHE'S A PROFESSIONAL TENNIS

PLAYER.

AS SAD AS THE BREAKUP IS,FORTUNATELY, EACH HAS MOVED ONTO

THE SIXTH STAGE OF GRIEF,WINNING AN INTERNATIONAL SPORTS

TOURNAMENT.

ON SUNDAY, WOZNIACKI WON THE,THE ISTANBUL CUP AND MCILROY WON

THE BRITISH OPEN.

IN FACT, McILROY WAS SOEXCITED HE WAS SEEN MAKING OUT

WITH HIS NEW TROPHY GIRLFRIEND,A TROPHY

THIS TALE OF PRIVATE HEARTACHEAND PUBLIC TRIUMPH

CAN MEAN ONLY ONE THING

BREAKUPS ARE THE ULTIMATEPERFORMANCE ENHANCING DRUG.

MAKES SENSE WHEN YOU THINK ABOUTIT

ALL THE BIGGEST ACCOMPLISHMENTSIN HUMAN HISTORY HAVE BEEN

FUELED BY A BITTER BREAKUP.

WHO CAN FORGET HOW AFTERWATCHING THE FIRST ATOMIC BOMB

GO OFF, ROBERT OPPENHEIMERFAMOUSLY SAID, I AM BECOME

DEATH, DESTROYER OF WORLDSBECAUSE YOU DESTROYED MY WORLD,

KIMBERLY.

(LAUGHTER)TRUE STORY.

AND, OF COURSE, THERE WERE NEILARMSTRONG'S ICONIC WORDS FROM

THE MOON LANDING.

>> ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN, ONEGIANT LEAP FOR MAN KIND.

AND ONE HUGE (BLEEP) YOU TOSHERYL. LOOK AT WHAT YOU'RE

MISSING OUT ON. I'M ON THE MOON.

I DIDN'T RUN INTO YOUR FRIENDANDREW UP HERE.

>> Stephen: SO CAROLINE IF YOUDECIDE TO TAKE RORY BACK, DO IT

IN TIME FOR HIM TO BREAK UP WITHYOU BEFORE THE U.S. OPEN.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK.

MY GUEST TONIGHT IS HERE TO TALKABOUT RUSSIA AND UKRAINE.

PLEASE WELCOME JULIA IOFFE!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)JULIA IOFFE, THANK YOU SO MUCH

FOR BEING HERE.

YOU ARE A SENIOR EDITOR AT THENEW REPUBLIC AND YOU'VE WORKED

AS A MOSCOW CORRESPONDENT FORTHE "NEW YORKER."

YOU'RE A NATIVE RUSSIAN EVENTHOUGH YOU'RE AN AMERICAN

CITIZEN, CAME HERE WHEN YOU WERESEVEN.

>> MM-HMM.

>> Stephen: WE ARE TALKING ALOT THESE DAYS ABOUT THE UKRAINE

AND RUSSIA AND THATRELATIONSHIP.

I KNOW THIS IS A HUGE STORY ANDI CARE ABOUT IT.

WHY IS IT HUGE AND WHY DO I CAREIN WAYS I NEVER CARE ABOUT OTHER

INTERNATIONAL STORIES.

I CAN IGNORE THE REST OF THEWORLD.

WHY HAS THIS GOT US ALL GRIPPED?

>> PEOPLE DIDN'T CARE ABOUT THISCONFLICT VERY MUCH AT ALL.

IT HAD COME OFF THE FRONT PAGESFOR THE LAST COUPLE OF MONTHS,

NOBODY WAS PAYING ATTENTION TOIT UNTIL A PLANE WITH CITIZENS

OF LIKE A DOZEN COUNTRIES WASDOWNED BY A MISSILE BY THESE

KNUCKLEHEADS FIGHTING IN THEREGION.

>> Stephen: IS THAT ATECHNICAL TERM?

>> THAT'S CORRECT. IT'S AN I.R.TERM.

>> Stephen: YOU HAVE SPENTTIME WITH THESE RUSSIAN

SEPARATISTS IN THE UKRAINE.

>> THEY CALL THEMSELVES THEVOLUNTEERS.

THEY CALL THEMSELVES THEPEOPLE'S REPUBLIC OF DONETSK,

BUT THE SOLDIERS ARE CALLEDVOLUNTEERS BECAUSE A LOT OF THEM

JUST PICKED UP ARMS AND WENT TOFIGHT BECAUSE THEY

WATCH A LOT OF RUSSIAN TV.

>> Stephen: OKAY.

AND RUSSIAN TV HAS, LIKE, THESHOWS LIKE "WHO WANTS TO BE A

REBEL"?

WHAT'S ON RUSSIAN TV THAT MAKESPEOPLE WANT TO FIGHT AGAINST

THEIR OWN COUNTRYMEN?

>> FOR THE LAST FEW MONTHS,SINCE FEBRUARY, RUSSIAN TV HAS

BEEN TELLING THEM A FASCIST HASTAKEN POWER IN KIEV, COMING TO

RAPE WOMEN, EAT THEIR CHILDRENAND BURN THEIR LAND, SO A LOT OF

PEOPLE ARE GETTING SCARED,PICKING UP ARMS AND GOING TOFIGHT.

>> Stephen: IS THAT WHAT THEEVENING NEWS IS LIKE IN RUSSIA?

IS THERE A FREE PRESS IN RUSSIA?

>> NO, THERE ISN'T.

MOST RUSSIANS GET THEIR NEWSFROM THE TV AND IT IS MOSTLY

OUTRIGHT OWNED BY THE KREMLIN ORCOMPANIES WHO ARE LOYAL TO THE

KREMLIN.

SO THE HEADS OF THE MAJOR TVCHANNELS COME TO THE KREMLIN

ONCE A WEEK AND MEET WITH A GUYIN CHARGE OF TV AT THE KREMLIN

AND THEY SET THE AGENDA FOR THECOMING WEEK.

>> Stephen: OKAY.

YOU MET WITH IGOR BEZLER,NICKNAMED THE DEMON.

IS HE A GOOD GUY?

>> VERY SWEET(LAUGHTER)

HE'S ACTUALLY A BIT OF A LOOSECANNON, VERY MERCURIAL

>> Stephen: IS HE ONE OF THEVOLUNTEERS?

>> HE'S ONE OF THE LEADERS OFTHE VOLUNTEERS.

HE'S NOT EVEN A UKRAINIANCITIZEN, SO IT'S WEIRD HE'S

FIGHTING FOR THIS UKRAINIANMOVEMENT, FOR UKRAINE TO SECEDE

AND JOIN RUSSIA. HE'S A RUSSIANCITIZEN

HE WAS BORN IN SOVIET CRIMEA.

>> Stephen: HE'S ONE OF THELEADERS OF THIS GROUP WHO'S

TRYING TO BREAK AWAY.

>> MM-HMM.

>> Stephen: IN DONETSK?

AM I PRONOUNCING THAT RIGHT?

>> MM-HMM.

>> Stephen: IS THAT RUSSIANFOR "LITTLE DOUGHNUT"?

>> NO, I THINK BECAUSE OF THERIVER IT'S CALLED THAT.

>> Stephen: OKAY.

(LAUGHTER)IF I'M NOT MISTAKEN, THIS BEZLER

IS ONE OF THE GUYS WHO THEUKRAINIANS SAY THEY HAVE A

RECORDING SAYING "WE JUST SHOTDOWN A PLANE."

>> UH-HUH.

>> Stephen: IS HE UPSET ORHAPPY THEY SHOT DOWN A PLANE.

>> HE'S A LITTLE FLUSTERED.

HE SWEARS A LOT AND SAID, MAN,SERIOUSLY, THIS IS 100% A

CIVILIAN PLANE.

WHAT'S INTERESTING IS HISHANDLER IN RUSSIA IS SAYING, OH,

THEY MUST HAVE JUST BEENDROPPING OFF THEIR SPIES.

>> Stephen: OKAY.

THERE ARE A LOT OF CONSPIRACYTHEORIES IN RUSSIA AS TO WHAT

ACTUALLY HAPPENED WITH THISPLANE.

WHAT ARE SOME OF THE CRAZIERONES?

>> MY FAVORITE IS MALAYSIAAIRLINES FLIGHT 17 IS ACTUALLY

MALAYSIA AIRLINES 370 WHICH ASWE KNOW DISAPPEARED OVER THE

INDIAN OCEAN FOUR MONTHS AGO ANDWHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED IS IT

DIDN'T FALL INTO THE INDIANOCEAN.

THE AMERICANS TOOK IT, KILLEDEVERYONE ON BOARD, DRAINED THEM

OF THEIR BLOOD AND TOOK THEPLANE AND ALL THE CORPSES TO AN

AMERICAN MILITARY BASE, SHUTTLEDIT TO HOLLAND, RIGGED IT WITH

EXPLOSIVES -- IT'S VERYSIMPLE --

(LAUGHTER)-- AND BECAUSE TAKEOFF IS

COMPLICATED, THEY HAD LIVEPILOTS DOING THE TAKEOFF, THEN

THEY PARACHUTE OUT.

FIRST THEY PUT IT ON AUTO PILOT,PARACHUTE OUT AND THE PLANE

EXPLODES WHEN NECESSARY OVEREASTERN UKRAINE.

>> Stephen: THAT'S A PLOT FROMSHERLOCK, THAT'S ACTUALLY ONE OF

THE SHERLOCK THE SERIES.

>> THAT'S RIGHT.

>> Stephen: IS PUTIN GOING TOBE HARMED BY THIS?

BECAUSE WE'RE IMPOSING MORESANCTIONS, SUPPOSEDLY.

WE'RE DRAWING A LINE IN THE SANDOR AT LEAST A LINE IN THE CASH.

IS HE GOING TO CARE?

>> HE'S GOING TO CARE A LITTLEBIT, BUT HE SEES HIMSELF AS AN

HISTORICAL FIGURE THAT IS MEANTTO KIND OF RESURRECT RUSSIA,

BRING BACK ITS GREATNESS, SOHE'S WILLING TO TOLERATE

ECONOMIC PAIN TO ACHIEVE THEGOALS.

>> Stephen: IS THISNEO-SOVIET? IS IT NEO-CSARIST?

ARE THEY TRYING TO RECONSTITUTETHE RUSSIAN EMPIRE AND IF SO

SHOULD WE THROW BACK IN WITH THEAUSTRIAN HUNGARIANS AND GIVE

INDIA BACK TO THE BRITISH?

>> HE'S NOT VERY GOOD ATTHINKING LONG TERM SO HE TAKES A

LITTLE BIT FROM THIS AND THATPLAY BOOK, SO, ACTUALLY, WHEN

THE RUSSIANS TOOK CRIMEA AND THEWEST WAS ALL UP IN ARMS ABOUT

IT -- WELL, NOT UP IN ARMS, THEYDIDN'T DO ANYTHING -- THEY WERE

VERY UPSET ABOUT IT -->> Stephen: METAPHORICALLY UP

IN ARMS.

>> THAT'S RIGHT.

ONE OF THE DEPUTY PRIMEMINISTERS OF THE RUSSIAN

FEDERATION SAID, WELL, WE'REGOING TO GET A TOEHOLD ON THE

MOON AND START COLONIZING THEMOON BECAUSE THE RUSSIANS ARE

WILLING TO SUFFER FOR A GREATIDEA.

>> Stephen: DO YOU THINKTHEY'RE ACTUALLY GOING TO

COLONIZE THE MOON?

DO YOU THINK THAT'S ACTUALLYGOING TO HAPPEN?

>> NO, I THINK THEY WOULD MESSIT UP ALONG THE WAY.

>> Stephen: REALLY?

YEAH.

>> Stephen: IT WOULD MAKE ITSO MUCH LESS ROMANTIC TO STAND

UNDERNEATH THE RUSSIAN MOON...

(LAUGHTER)BECAUSE IT WOULDN'T BE MADE OF

GREEN CHEESE, IT WOULD BE MADEOF BORSCHT.

(LAUGHTER)THANKS FOR JOINING ME!

JULIA IOFFE, THE NEW REPUBLIC!

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK!

>> Stephen: WELL, THAT'S ITFOR THE SHOW, EVERYBODY.

BUT BEFORE WE GO, I JUST WANT TOTAKE ONE LAST OPPORTUNITY TO

THANK MY GOOD FRIENDP.K. WINSOME.

THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE TONIGHTAND THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE FOR

THE PAST NINE YEARS.

>> MY PLEASURE.

>> Stephen: MIGHT BE THE LASTTIME YOU'RE EVER ON THE SHOW

BECAUSE IT'S ENDING THIS YEAR.

YOU MIND IF I ASK, P.K., BEFOREWE GO, WHAT DOES P.K. STAND FOR?

>> IT STANDS FOR PERCY KITTENS.

>> Stephen: THANK YOU, PERCY.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY.