Thursday, April 10, 2014

  • 04/10/2014

Jen Kirkman, Morgan Murphy and Paul F. Tompkins guess what's inside the wildly inappropriate book cover, list #WorseCoachellaBands and write Yelp reviews as goths in trees.

TODAY'S INTERNET HEADLINES, IT'S

RAPID REFRESH.

(CHEERING)

>> THE FINAL SEASON OF "MAD MEN"

BEGINS ON SUNDAY, AND THE GOOD

DON IS THE INTERNET EXCITED.

I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU THREE

MADMEN TUMBLRS.

WE MADE TWO OF THEM UP, SO WHICH

ONE IS REAL?

A) MEOWED MEN, CATS DRESSED UP

AS MAD MEN CHARACTERS.

(SINGING "MEOW" TO THEME SONG)

B) DON DRAPER IS CONSTIPATED,

WHICH TURNS HIS HARDEST MOMENTS

INTO A HARD STOOL.

C) CHRISTINA HENCHICKS, WHICH IS

JUST PICTURES OF CHRISTINA

HENDRICKS HOLDING A CHICKEN LEG.

YES, PAUL F. TOMPKINS?

>> WELL, IF MY GOOD BUDDY "WADE

IN THE TOILET" IS ANY

INDICATION, I BET IT'S B.

>> Chris: THE CORRECT ANSWER IS,

IN FACT, B.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

THIS IS A REAL TUMBLR.

ESSENTIALLY IT'S JUST PICTURES

OF MOMENTS WHERE DON DRAPER

LOOKS LIKE STUFF SHOULD HAPPEN

BUT JUST CAN'T.

HERE'S A COUPLE MORE.

OH...

>> WHO IS THAT URGENT ABOUT

CONSTIPATION?

THAT FIRST ONE DOESN'T WORK

AT ALL.

>> Chris: YOU'RE CALLING

SHENANIGANS ON...

>> YEAH, NO ONE IS RUSHING TO

BE CONSTIPATED.

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT.

SO FOR 100 BONUS POINTS,

WHAT IS HE RUSHING TO?

>> HE'S ABOUT TO HAVE A BABY

IN THAT TOILET!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: POINTS. POINTS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

ALL RIGHT, NEXT, WE FOUND THIS

ON KOTAKU.COM.

NOW, THIS LOOKS LIKE A KOREAN

TRANSLATION OF A SEXY ROMANCE

NOVEL, A BODICE RIPPER FOR

KOREAN DOWAGERS.

BUT IT'S NOT, IT'S NOT AT ALL.

IT'S WHAT WE WOULD CALL WILDLY

INAPPROPRIATE.

WHAT IS THIS THE ACTUAL BOOK

COVER OF?

IS IT:

A) THE DIARY OF ANNE FRANK.

B) THE BOOK OF MORMON.

C) 12 YEARS A SLAVE.

JEN KIRKMAN.

>> I DON'T WANT IT TO BE, BUT I

THINK IT'S THE DIARY OF ANNE

FRANK.

>> Chris: THE CORRECT ANSWER IS

THE DIARY OF ANNE FRANK.

YUP.

YEAH, THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT THE

DIARY OF ANNE FRANK...

>> THAT'S HOW I PICTURED IT.

>> I DIDN'T KNOW THEY HAD DENIM

IN THE '40s.

>> Chris: COMEDIANS, WHAT IS THE

FIRST LINE OF THIS "SHOULD NEVER

HAVE HAPPENED" EDITION OF THE

DIARY OF ANNE FRANK?

MORGAN.

>> I THINK IT'S, "DEAR DIARY,"

THE TRADITIONAL START, RIGHT?

"DEAR DIARY, REALLY LOOKING

FORWARD TO MEETING ALL THOSE

CUTE BOYS AT CAMP THIS SUMMER."

(AUDIENCE GROANS)

IS THE END OF RAPID REFRESH.

IT IS TIME FOR TONIGHT'S

#HASHTAGWARS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

GUYS, ONE OF AMERICA'S BIGGEST

MUSIC FESTIVALS THIS WEEKEND,

COACHELLA IS HAPPENING.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> WHO LIKES TO GO TO THE DESERT

FOR MUSIC?

THE FESTIVAL WILL CLOG SOUTHERN

CALIFORNIA'S FREEWAYS AND

DEPLETE OUR SUPPLY OF POT AND

V-NECKS.

IN HONOR OF THIS, TONIGHT'S

HASHTAG IS #WORSECOACHELLABANDS.

SO EXAMPLES MIGHT BE ARCADE FIRE

PREVENTION, OR MIDDLE MGMT, OR

NINE INCH KALES.

I'M GOING TO PUT 60 SECONDS ON

THE CLOCK, AND GO.

YES, JEN?

>> PHARRELL WILLIAMSBURG.

>> Chris: NICE.

GOOD ONE, POINTS.

MORGAN.

>> AMY MANBOOBS.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS.

PAUL F. TOMPKINS.

>> SONS & ROSES, THE MUMFORD AND

SONS AND GUN & ROSES TRIBUTE

MASHUP BAND.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: ♪ AND I SAY WELCOME

TO THE JUNGLE. ♪

JEN.

>> FOSTER THE PEOPLE'S CHOICE

AWARDS.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS.

MORGAN, HIT IT.

MORGAN... OH, SORRY, PAUL.

>> ADELE DAZEEM.

>> Chris: YEAH!

POINTS.

MORGAN.

>> TEGAN AND SARAH PALIN.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS.

>> LANA DEL RACHEL RAY.

>> Chris: YES, EXCELLENT--

POINTS.

PAUL F.

>> KETCHA, WHICH IS LIKE KE$HA

BUT WITH A CENT SIGN INSTEAD.

(LAUGHTER)

IT IS NOW TIME TO PLAY "WHEEL OF

4CHAN"!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> WHAT IS HAPPENING?!

>> Chris: 4CHAN IS A MESSAGE

BOARD WHERE USERS SUBMIT CONTENT

AND THEN [BLEEP] ALL OVER IT.

SO BASICALLY IT'S LIKE THE GRIMY

UNCLE OF REDDIT.

I'M GOING TO SPIN THE WHEEL AND

READ PART OF A COMMENT FROM THE

CATEGORY THAT IT LANDS ON.

YOUR JOB IS TO FILL THE COMMENT

IN.

IF IT'S FUNNY, POINTS.

LET'S SPIN THE WHEEL.

(CLICKING)

(LAUGHTER)

RANDOM, RANDOM.

WHO'S READY TO LEARN ABOUT...?

JEN.

>> MORRISSEY'S EARLY LOVE OF

GLAM ROCK.

>> NO, NO POINTS.

THE CROWD WASN'T WITH YOU ON

THAT ONE.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: ♪ NO POINTS.

>> I HAVE ONE.

WHO IS READY TO LEARN ABOUT WHY

MR. ROGERS WAS CONDEMNED TO

HELL?

(LAUGHTER)

IT'S AN INTERESTING STORY.

YOU'D WANT TO HEAR IT.

>> Chris: POINTS TO YOU, PAUL.

MORGAN, DO YOU HAVE ONE?

>> WHO IS READY TO LEARN ABOUT

MY GRANDMOTHER'S DIARRHEA AND

OTHER RECIPES?

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> POINTS, WELL DONE.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S SPIN AGAIN.

LET'S SPIN AGAIN.

>> ADVICE-- HOW CAN I CHEAT ON

MY BOYFRIEND WITHOUT...?

PAUL F.

>> MY WIFE FINDING OUT?

>> Chris: POINTS.

POINTS, YES, JEN?

>> WITHOUT ACTUALLY HAVING A

BOYFRIEND?

>> Chris: POINTS.

>> THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE,

LIKE, "YEAH, GIRL," NOT LIKE

SAD.

>> Chris: THE CORRECT ANSWER IS

"HIM KNOWING ABOUT IT."

>> OH, THEY GOT A FREAKY SCENE

GOING ON, MAN.

IMAGES FROM THE BLOG

GOTHSUPTREES.NET AND I ASKED YOU

TO YOU WRITE A YELP REVIEW OF

THIS PARK AS THESE GOTHS.

LET'S SEE YOU WHAT WROTE.

JEN KIRKMAN.

WOW, VERY DARK.

THERE'S SOME REAL DARKNESS IN

YOU.

MORGAN MURPHY.

>> I WROTE...

>> Chris: PAUL F. TOMPKINS.

THAT'S IT.

I ENJOYED ALL OF THOSE.

I'M JUST GOING TO GIVE EVERYONE

A THOUSAND POINTS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> CONGRATULATIONS.

>> CONGRATULATIONS.

>> Chris: STOP HUGGING, YOU

GUYS, WE'RE ALL JUST GOING TO

DIE.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> THIS IS EXCITING, YOU GUYS.

YOU WANT TO HOLD HANDS?

>> Chris: WELL, SOUTHERN

CALIFORNIA IS OFFICIALLY JUST

CLOSED THIS WEEKEND BECAUSE OF

THE COACHELLA MUSIC FESTIVAL, AS

WE TALKED ABOUT EARLIER IN THE

PROGRAM.

SO, GUYS, I WANT YOU TO NAME

SOME FESTIVALS THAT I WOULD

NEVER WANT TO ATTEND.

A LOT OF PEOPLE GOING TO

COACHELLA BUT I WOULD LIKE YOU

TO NAME AS MANY CRAPPY FESTIVALS

AS YOU CAN.

60 SECONDS, AND GO.

MORGAN.

>> AMBER ALERTA PALOOZA.

>> Chris: POINTS.

PAUL.

>> BILL NYE THE SCIENCE GUY,

THROW SOME LYE INTO YOUR EYE

WEEKEND.

>> Chris: YOU SHOULD NEVER PUT

LYE IN YOUR EYE-- POINTS.

MORGAN.

>> THE LATHERING OF THE

JUGALOS.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS.

PAUL.

>> THE JUGGLING OF THE GATHEROS.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS.

NICELY DONE.

YES, JEN.

>> THE GATHERING OF THE ORTHODOX

JEWGALOES.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS.

MORGAN.

>> AN IRAQI WAR REENACTMENT.

(PAUL MAKES A RASPBERRY)

>> WHAT?

>> Chris: PAUL.

>> NECRONOMIC COMIC-CON.

>> Chris: YES!

ABSOLUTELY.

POINTS.

OKAY, STOP, STOP, BE QUIET.

BECAUSE GUYS, I HAVE A VERY

SPECIAL GUEST HERE TO HELP WITH

"FOR THE WIN," STAR OF THE

UPCOMING FILM "OCULUS" AND

FORMERLY "DR. WHO."

KAREN GILLAN!

>> THANK YOU.

>> Chris: HELLO, KAREN GILLAN.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

OH, I FORGOT TO WEAR MY TALLER

LEGS TONIGHT.

SHE'S WEARING HEELS, GUYS,

SHE'S WEARING HEELS.

>> IT'S TRUE.

>> Chris: I'M NOT SMALL.

ALL RIGHT, THANK YOU.

SO AN ENGAGEMENT RING IS A VERY

IMPORTANT SYMBOL OF LOVE.

IT'S A PERFECT CIRCLE, IT GOES

ON FOREVER, LIKE LOVE DOES.

SO NATURALLY, YOU WANT TO BUY

THAT RING IN THE SAME PLACE

YOU'D LOOK FOR CHEAP FURNITURE

AND RANDOM SEX, CRAIGSLIST.

SO HERE IS A POST FOR A VERY

SPECIAL RING.

WOULD YOU PLEASE READ THAT FOR

US, KAREN GILLAN?

>> ABSOLUTELY.

SO THE POST READS, FOR SALE I

HAVE 1.5-CARAT TOTAL WEIGHT

ENGAGEMENT RING, SET IN 14-KARAT

WHITE GOLD.

>> Chris: ALREADY SOUNDS NICE.

>> THE RING IS IN LIKE-NEW

CONDITION, ONLY WORN FOR SHORT

PERIOD OF TIME BY SATAN HERSELF.

WARNING, RING MAY BE CURSED AS

IT TENDS TO LEAVE A PATH OF

DESTRUCTION BEHIND IT.

POSSIBLE EVENTS ASSOCIATED WITH

THIS RING INCLUDE BUT ARE NOT

LIMITED TO DAMAGE SUSTAINED TO

HOUSE, VEHICLE, HEART, DOWNED

POWER LINES, FALLEN TREES AND

SWARMS OF LOCUSTS.

>> Chris: SURE, WHY NOT?

>> SHOULD CONSIDER HAVING THIS

CURSE REMOVED BY VOODOO PRIEST

OR SOMETHING BEFORE PRESENTING

TO LOVED ONE.

OTHER THAN THAT, IT IS A VERY

NICE PIECE OF JEWELRY.

>> Chris: WOW, WELL, DON'T SEE

ANY REASON WHY WE SHOULDN'T GET

THAT.

PLEASE HELP ME THANK KAREN

GILLAN FOR BEING HERE.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

BEAUTIFUL, SO NICE TO SEE YOU.

>> GOOD TO SEE YOU.

>> Chris: GOOD TO SEE YOU.

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