Road Rage

  • Season 1, Ep 5
  • 07/06/2011

After being bitten by a Jewish man and a homosexual, Jon makes some personal lifestyle changes.

- MOST PEOPLE,AS THEY MATURE,

LEARN HOW TO EXPRESS ANGERIN AN ACCEPTABLE WAY.

AND MENTAL HEALTHPROFESSIONALS AGREE--

IT'S IMPORTANT TO LEARNHOW TO DO THIS.

SUPPRESS--SUCCESS!

[bleep] [bleep]DAMN IT, YOU ASS[bleep]!

MOST PEOPLE,AS THEY MATURE,

LEARN HOW TO EXPRESSTHEIR ANGER

IN AN ACCEPTABLE WAY.

AND MENTAL HOUSE--

[shouting][bleep]!

LAST WINTER,WE DID A REPORT

ON HOW ANGER CAN DESTROYRELATIONSHIPS, CAREERS,

AND EVEN LIVES.

BACK THEN, WE CONSULTEDWITH DR. LAURA MEISEL,

A PSYCHOLOGIST WHO SPECIALIZESIN THE TREATMENT OF PEOPLE

WITH RAGE ISSUES.

DR. MEISEL,HOW DO YOU DIFFERENTIATE

BETWEEN SOMEONEWHO IS MERELY ANGRY

AND SOMEONE WHO HASWHAT YOU SAY "RAGE ISSUES"?

- EDWARD, I HAVE TOLD YOU,YOU CANNOT FILM YOUR SESSIONS.

- I THINK THIS IS SOMETHINGTHAT NEEDS TO BE DISCUSSED.

- ALL RIGHT.WE'RE DONE HERE.

- OH, WE'RE NOT DONE.I'M PAYING FOR THIS!

[shouting]YOU WORK FOR ME!

YOU WORK FOR ME!

SINCE THAT REPORT,

I'VE BEEN TOLDTHAT MY ANGER PROBLEM

HAS NOT IMPROVED AT ALL.

IN FACT,SEVERAL PEOPLE HAVE SAID

IT'S GOTTEN EVEN WORSE,INCLUDING...

MY SISTER,MY EX-GIRLFRIEND,

MY EX-WIFE,MY MOTHER,

MY BIRTH MOTHER,MY GRANDMOTHER,

MY SON,AND EVEN COMPLETE STRANGERS!

AAH![thud]

THE TRAGEDY IS,AS DR. MEISEL--

WHO I'M NO LONGER SEEING--SAID,

WHEN YOU'RE ANGRYAT SOMEONE ELSE,

YOU'RE REALLY JUST ANGRYAT YOURSELF.

AND IT MAKES SENSETHAT I'D BE ANGRY AT MYSELF,

BECAUSE I'M A DISGUSTING PIG.

I MEAN, LOOK AT ME!THIS IS ME!

EVERY [bleep] INCH OF IT!

[bleep] [bleep] [bleep]!

I [bleep]!

I [bleep] HATE YOU!

WHY ARE YOU FOLLOWING MEALL THE TIME?

GET AWAY FROM ME!

I JUST WANNA [bleep]!

[exhales]

[breathing heavily]

I'M EDWARD SHEATH.

SHAME ON ME.

WHEN MY WIFE AND I SEPARATED,

I RECEIVED FULL CUSTODY, SO...

THINGS REALLY CHANGED.

WORKOUT-WISE.

[exhales]

AS A TRIATHLETE,IT'S HARD BEING A SINGLE DAD.

- SO WHAT DID YOU DO?

- I STARTED ORGANIZINGSINGLE DAD TRIATHLONS.

- IT'S A 1.2 MILE SWIMWITH A BABY,

THEN A 56 MILE BIKEWITH A BABY,

AND THEN A 13.1 MILE RUNWITH A BABY.

BASICALLY,IT'S A HALF IRONMAN WITH A BABY.

SINGLE DADS...

ON YOUR MARKS...

SET...

GO![gunshot]

[babies crying]

- TRANSITIONING BETWEEN SWIMMINGAND BIKING IS THE TOUGHEST,

ESPECIALLY IF YOUHAVE TO CHANGE THE BABY.

PLUS, GETTING ON THE BIKEAND GETTING THE BABY HELMET ON

CAN COST VALUABLE SECONDS.

[cheers and applause]

[exciting music]

[cheers and applause]

- IS IT SAFE WHEN...THE BABIES DO THIS?

- UH...

- NO EVERYONE SUPPORTSJASON'S RADICAL CREATION.

THERE ARE THOSE WHO QUESTION

WHETHER THE CHILDREN'SBEST INTERESTS

ARE BEING ACCOUNTED FORDURING SUCH A MENTALLY

AND PHYSICALLY DEMANDINGCOMPETITION.

THESE CONCERNS, HOWEVER,HAVEN'T SEEMED TO DIMINISH

THE RABID ENTHUSIASMOF THE EVENT'S NUMEROUS FANS--

MOSTLY SINGLE WOMEN.

WHY DO YOU COMESEE THIS EVENT?

- WELL, I'M VERY,VERY LONELY RIGHT NOW.

- ARE YOU...

COMING ON TO ME?

- WELL...

- YOU KNOW, IF IT WEREN'TFOR MY WIFE LEAVING ME,

I DON'T THINK I EVERWOULD HAVE THOUGHT

OF ORGANIZINGA TRIATHLON EVENT

THAT YOU COULD PARTICIPATE INWITH YOUR BABY.

IT'S FUNNYHOW THINGS WORK OUT.

[beep]

[chair vibrating]

[mystical music]

[all chanting]

[eerie note]

[singing prayer in Hebrew]

OH!

OH...OH!

[man singing prayer]OH, GOD!

OH...OH!

AAH!AAH!

[panting]

OY.

[glass shatters]

OH...

[sniffs]

- AAH!

- WHO ARE YOU?

- WHY HAVE YOUSHAVED YOUR BEARD?

THIS IS AGAINST HALACHA.

- I DON'T KNOW WHATYOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

- HAVE I DONE SOMETHINGWRONG?

- I DON'T EVEN KNOWWHO YOU ARE.

- I'M YOUR WIFE.

- I'M NOT MARRIED.

WHY IS THEREBLOOD ON THE BED?

WHO ARE YOU?- [speaking Hebrew]

- THIS ISN'T MY HOTEL ROOM.I'M STILL DREAMING.

- [speaking Hebrew]

- I GOTTA WAKE UP.THIS--

[continues in Hebrew]

- I'M STILL DREAMING, RIGHT?I'M STILL DREAMING.

I DON'T--I'M SORRY.I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON.

I GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE.

[suspenseful music]

- IT ALWAYS GOES WELL.

- WELL, IT WAS BRUNCH.

WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOINGTHIS WEEKEND?

- UH...I HAVE SWIMMING LESSONS.

- YOU DON'T KNOWHOW TO SWIM?

- I-I DO.I'M JUST TRYING TO GET BETTER.

[horn honks, tires screech]

HEY!WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

JESUS CHRIST!WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

YOU JUST CUT ME OFF!- WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM,

MY FRIEND?- LET ME LOCK THE DOOR.

- EXCUSE ME?WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?

- YOU SHOULDN'T BE SPEEDINGON THIS ROAD.

- YOU JUST PULLED OUTRIGHT IN FRONT OF US.

[overlapping yelling]LOOK IN YOUR MIRROR!

DON'T TELL ME TO GETBACK IN MY VAN.

LEARN HOW TO DRIVE!- I KNOW HOW TO DRIVE.

YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO DRIVE.40 YEARS I DRIVE.

GO AWAY, GO AWAY.- YOU PEOPLE THINK

YOU OWN THE ROAD!- WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU PEOPLE?

- COME ON OUT! LET'S GO.[overlapping shouting]

- OKAY, NOW HE'S GETTINGOUT OF THE CAR.

- NO, I'M JEWISH,SO WE'RE ALL RIGHT!

- I DON'T BELIEVE YOU.

- OKAY, ALL RIGHT--- I JUST HAPPEN TO HIT PEOPLE

WHO DON'T KNOW HOW TO DRIVE!LOOK IN THE MIRROR

WHEN YOU PULL OUT,OTHERWISE YOU'LL KILL SOMEONE!

- SHUT UP! GO AWAY!

DON'T YOU PUSH ME,[bleep]FACE!

- I JUST DID.I WILL PUSH YOU!

I WILL PUSH YOU.WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT?

AAH!

[overlapping shouting]

HE BIT ME!

- I TOLD YOUTO GET BACK IN YOUR VAN!

- YOU BIT ME!

- COURSE I BIT YOU.

- [bleep]!

[tires squealing][bleep] YOU!

- YOU [bleep] MANIAC!

YOU BIT ME!

JESUS CHRIST!- YOU CAN'T DO THAT, JON.

- WHAT?- YOU CAN'T DO THAT.

- DO WHAT?

- YOU'VE GOT SOME SORTOF AN ANGER PROBLEM--

- SHUT THE [bleep] UP, LEO!- OH, [bleep] YOU.

- JUST GET IN!NATHAN, GET IN!

I'M GETTING OUT HERE.

- WHAT?- WHAT--WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

- I WOULDN'T WAIT.I'M GONNA BE A WHILE.

- WHERE ARE YOU GOING?- SEE YOU GUYS LATER.

- JON!

- WHERE'S HE GOING?

- WHO CARES?

- WELL, WHO'S GONNA DRIVE?

- TODAY ON SWITCHEROO,

WE'RE GONNA TAKE A WEALTHYKID FROM THE CITY

AND SWITCH HIM WITH A WEALTHYKID FROM THE COUNTRY.

THIS IS SWITCHEROO.

- ALL RIGHT, LOGAN, HAVEA GREAT DAY IN THE COUNTRY.

- THANK YOU, ADAM.

- HEY, YOU MUST BE LOGAN.I'M JON.

YOU READY FOR YOUR SWITCHEROO?- YEAH!

- ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO!

HERE WE AREAT YOUR COUNTRY HOUSE.

SO I'M GONNA RINGTHE DOORBELL,

THE NANNY WILL ANSWER,THEN YOU'LL GO IN

AND I'LL SEE YOUIN NINE HOURS, OKAY?

- OKAY.- ALL RIGHT, GOOD.

[doorbell chimes]

- HI!- HI. THIS IS LOGAN

FROM THE CITY.

ALL RIGHT, LOGAN.SEE YOU LATER.

- IT'S WEIRD THAT THEYDON'T HAVE A DOORMAN HERE.

I HAVE A DOORMAN.

[jazzy music]

- ALL RIGHT, BOBBY,HERE WE ARE--

YOUR PLACE IN THE CITY.

I'LL BE BACK IN NINE HOURS,SO HAVE FUN.

- MM-HMM. BYE.- BYE.

- HEY, HOW ARE YOU?YOU MUST BE FROM THE COUNTRY.

- MM-HMM.- ALL RIGHT.

- THIS PLACE HAS A DOORMAN,

AND THE GUY, LIKE,OPENS THE DOOR FOR YOU.

- HEY.- HI.

I'M BOBBY FROM SWITCHEROO.

- OH, HI, BOBBY.I'M LOGAN'S NANNY.

COME ON IN.I'M GLAD TO SEE YA.

[soft music]

- KIRA!- YEAH?

- WHAT PARK IS THIS?

- IT'S CENTRAL PARK, HON.

- WHEN I GOT HERE,I SEE THE PARK

AND ALL THE BUILDINGS.

WHEN I LOOK OUTAT MY HOUSE,

IT'S JUST PLAIN OLDFLAT OCEAN.

- THEY HAVE, LIKE,A LITTLE PLAYHOUSE,

LIKE, OUTSIDE...

RIGHT BY THE OCEAN.

WE HAVE AN INDOOR POOL.THEY HAVE AN OUTDOOR POOL.

- THE POOL AREA WAS NICE,

BUT IT WAS A LITTLE BITDIFFERENT THAN MY POOL.

OURS IS DEEPER AND...

IT'S WIDER.

- LOGAN,ARE YOU DOING OKAY?

- YEAH.- CAN I GET YOU ANYTHING?

- SURE.A JUICE.

SHEILA'S WHITE.OUR NANNY'S BLACK.

[quiet piano]

[seagulls squawking]

[piano continues]

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