Wednesday, September 7, 2016

  • 09/07/2016

Adam Goldberg, Mary Lynn Rajskub and James Davis list #PieSciFi, reenact Patton Oswalt and Martin Shkreli's Twitter feud and invent Hillary Clinton conspiracy theories.

Earlier today,Apple fans were blindsided

by a terrible announcement.

The new iPhone 7 won't havetraditional headphone jacks!

Goddamn it!

What the (bleep)!

Goddamn it!

(Bleep) on a stick.

-What the (bleep)!-Yeah! -Yeah!

-(cheers and applause)-(bleep)

-That's one of the old ones.-Okay. -RAJSKUB: Is it okay?

Oh, my God, is it okay?

It's fine. It's fine.It's totally fine.

-It's okay.-It's all right.

Look, you got the insurance.You're good.

-Chris, what are you doing?-This confirmed everyone's

worst fearsthat the iPhone would eliminate

that tight sweet headphone holeand replace it

with new wireless air podsthat you definitely won't lose

in the cushions of your couch.

They are, to be fair,including a dongle

that can adaptto the old headphones,

but who wantsto ruin their slim new phone

with some big fat dongle

that flaps around in the windlike an asshole? Not me.

I already got one of those.

This new development comes in...-(laughter)

Thank you.

This new development comesin spite of a petition

that 300,000 irateiPhone users signed

to stop Applefrom killing the headphone jack.

Here's a thought about this.

Um, could just not buy it.

-Uh... you don't have to.-(laughter)

-(applause and cheering)-Not an option, Chris.

You're right. On the other hand,you totally have to buy it.

Yeah. I will.

Uh, comedians,what's another petition

fans might sign against Apple?James.

I'm not a Trump fan,but I do believe that we need

to make cell phones great again.


-(cheers and applause)-HARDWICK: All right.

Thank you.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

-HARDWICK: Yeah.-There should be a petition

to ban anybody with a crackedscreen from holding a baby.


You had one job!

You hadone job!

I have to tell you,my son almost drowned,

but I stuck him in rice after.

-(Goldberg clucks tongue)-(laughter)


No problem.

It's now timefor the #HashtagWars.

(cheers and applause)

Very seminal weekin television history.

This week marksthe 50th anniversary

of the original Star Trek series,

uh, starring William Shatnerand Leonard Nimoy,

of course you knew that.

The classic series broke newground by exploring heavy issues

like gender, and race andequality, at a time when people

were not discussing these thingsin popular media.

So, tonight, for no real reasonthat we can think of,

uh, the hashtag is #PieSciFi.

Uh, examples might be#ChildrenOfPie

or #Rhubarbarella.

Let's put 60 secondson the clock and begin.

HARDWICK:James Davis.


HARDWICK:Yes, points.

Mary Lynn Rajskub.


HARDWICK:Yes, points.


Adam Goldberg.

Uh, Avatart.

HARDWICK:Yeah, points. Perfect.

James Davis.


HARDWICK:Yes, points.

Mary Lynn Rajskub.


HARDWICK:Yes, points.

James Davis.



Adam Goldberg.


Yes, points.


James Davis.


Yes, points.

Mary Lynn.



Adam Goldberg.

Uh, DonnieDarkOhPie.

HARDWICK:Yes, perfect, very good.

That is the endof the #HashtagWars.

(with British accent):Good evening

and welcome to another edition

of Inside the Actor Studio.

If you enjoyed last week'srendition

of Fiddler onthe Booty-ass Bitch,

you're going to truly appreciatetonight's installment.

Now, as you may know,earlier this week,

comedian Patton Oswalt,a man that we adore and admire,

and someone that we love,engaged in a Twitter duel

with Martin Shkreli,a guy who kind of looks like

a guy who would jack-up theprice on AIDS medication.

A man, who is essentially

a urethra stuffedwith barbed wire.

A man, who in my British accent,

is acceptable for me to say,is a (bleep).

Got into a bit of a row over thepopular hashtag #TrumpCantSwim,

which poked funat the amusing idea

that bloated race-baiterDonald Trump

cannot, in fact, swim.

Tonight we re-interpret

this dramatic exchangeas it unfolded.

Taking on the role oftreacherous Martin Shkreli

tonight is Mr. James Davis.

The gentle Mr. Oswalt will beportrayed by Mary Lynn Rajskub,

and the role of Twittercommenters who interjected

will be brought to lifeby actor Adam Goldberg.

When the actors are ready,the scene may begin.


♪ Mi-mi-mi-mi.

(blowing across lips)

(deeply inhales and exhales)

This #TrumpCantSwim hashtagthing is ridiculous.

He can swim, right?

Who are you again?

Why are you ever?


Da best.


Now run along, live your lifeand die wealthy,

yet confused by how emptyyou feel in those last seconds.

(audience whooping)


Uh, he's the voice ofRatatouille, okay?

You're the voiceof corporate greed.

(chuckling):Lol, he does voices?

Not like the ones in your headtelling you that acquiring,

yet never creatingis eating your soul,

but, yeah, voices.


This pathetic loser would neverbe able to go toe-to-toe

with me in adiscussion about anything.

-Comedian idiot.-(Hardwick gasps)

Um, that's all right,I, um...

I never said I was smarterthan you, dummy.

Just said that you're boringand soulless.


(cheers and applause)

Same with Colbert.

You guys can deliver a joke,but that doesn't make you smart.

Plus I'm funnier @StephenAtHome,


It's called talent.

Dude, 12-year-oldson a Skittle's rush

can troll better than you.

(cheers and applause)

They say laughteris the best medicine,

but I have never seen you runa clinical trial,

@pattonoswalt,liberal trash bag,

limousine liberal.

You got me there,Transdermal Patch Adams.

(Hardwick laughing)

(laughter and applause)

If laughterwas the best medicine,

you'd jack-up the price on it.(chuckling)


Oh, also, if I don't matter,then what's stopping you

from crushingthe comedy landscape?

Have at it, champ.

Not enough moneyin that waste of time.

And guess what?

I help people with my drugs,stupid moron.

You just line your pockets.

(audience exclaiming)

You know,I never noticed until now,

but Martin hasreal tiny hands.


Show businessis for loser idiot morons.

A couple of lucky moronswho made it big.

They probably do drugs, too.

Liberal trash.

Well, @MartinShkreli,this was enervating.

Tell the people you pay to tellyou you're funny,

to also assure you that you won.

Good night.

HARDWICK:End scene.


Pantsuit tyrant Hillary Clintonis blasting Republicans

for spreading conspiracytheories about her.

Hillary told reportersthat Republicans have been

"engaging in partisan conspiracytheorizing about her

for 25 years"and she's sick and tired of it.

But not too sick or too tiredto run the country,

'cause it's not like she's dyingof some rare disease

or anything, guys.(chuckle) Come on.

So, comedians...Hey, come on, come on.

Shut up.Come on, come on, come on.

Come on. Come on, come on, comeon. No, you shut up.

Come on. Come on.

(bleep) iPhone!All right. Uh...

Comedians, Hillary seems bored

with what the "conspiracy theorymachine factory"

is churning out, so pleasecome up with a better

conspiracy theory for her.

I'm gonna put 60 secondson the clock, and begin.

-James Davis.-Tupac is alive

and she know where he is.

All right, points.Adam Goldberg.

(clears throat)

Snowden blew Bill--talk about leaking.

Points, points. Mary Lynn.

Hillary took the headphone jackout of the iPhone.

God damn it! Points.James Davis.

Hillary Clinton suppliedMalia Obama with the weed.

All right, points.James Davis.

Hillary pantsuit is likeDarth Vader's helmet--

if she takes it off, she dies.

All right, points.Adam Goldberg.

Uh, Hi-Hillary inventedthe Internet with Al Gore,

then forgot how to use it.

All right, points.James Davis.

Hillary was the first choiceto play Cookie on Empire.

-Points. Adam Goldberg.-That's awesome.

Hillary attendedTrump's wedding.

Oh, no, wait,that actually happened.

Yes, points.Mary Lynn Rajskub.

I've never seenHillary and Hitler

in the same room, have you?

James Davis.

Bernie Sanders is really

a time-travelingHillary Clinton from the...


That's all...that's all you need.

I just thought... I don't know.

HARDWICK (imitating Sanders):Quick, get in the car!