Jimmy Kimmel & Fred Armisen

  • Season 2, Ep 32
  • 04/13/2004

Jimmy Kimmel's 9-year-old daughter Katie needs booze, and Bobby looks into weight loss.

( phone ringing )

>> Hello?

>> How you doing?

I'm Chip Douglas and I don't

have my newspaper and I want to

look at the cartoons.

( woman speaking Spanish )

( Chip speaking Spanish )

( woman speaking Spanish )

( Chip speaking Spanish )

>> Garfield...

( woman speaking Spanish )

>> Garfield, si.

( woman speaking Spanish )

( Chip laughing )

( Chip speaking Spanish )

( woman speaking Spanish )

>> Si.

( woman speaking Spanish )

>> Si.

( woman speaking Spanish )

( Chip laughing hysterically )

( woman laughing )

( Chip speaking Spanish )

>> Si.

( Chip laughing )

( woman speaking Spanish )

( Chip laughing )

( woman speaking Spanish )

( Chip laughing, speaking

Spanish )

( woman speaking Spanish )

( Chip speaking Spanish )

( woman speaking Spanish )

( Chip and woman laughing )

( Chip speaking Spanish )

( woman laughing )

( Chip speaking Spanish )

Muchas gracias.

>> Okay.

>> Take care.

( Chip speaking Spanish )

( woman speaking Spanish )

( Chip speaking Spanish )

>> Uh-huh.

>> Mucho gusto.

( woman speaking Spanish )

( hangs up phone )

( phone ringing )

>> This is Jen speaking, how can

I help you?

>> Hello, Jen, how you doing?

>> Peachy wonderful.

>> Good, um, what's the manager

that's working tonight?

Who, what's--

>> That would be me.

>> It is you.

>> Yes.

>> Congratulations to you.

>> On?

>> Well, you have some people on

your staff that, uh, called me,

and requested that I deliver to

you a singing phone-o-gram.

>> Okay.

>> This is from the Utilities

Staff there.

>> Okay.

>> ♪ Oh, Jen, oh, Jen, what a

swell girl you are, Jen.

Jen, you Jen, oh Jen, oh Jen,

you Jen. ♪

>> Okay.

>> The next verse is actually

quite good.

So I'll just continue.

♪ Chances are that you don't

know me, 'cause my duties are

so lowly, foreigners are people

too, with feelings. ♪

>> Can you tell me who sent it?

>> Well, let me just keep

singing, maybe it will make more

sense to you.

>> Okay.

>> ♪ A dollar raise, it wouldn't

kill you, we're not coming back

until you get your ( bleeped )

together lady, it's true. ♪

>> Okay.

>> Now this next lyric, I found

particularly interesting.

♪ When the hour's getting late,

you sit in salt and masturbate,

you filthy, dirty, piggy,

scummy, tramp. ♪

>> All right.

( clear throat )

>> Here we go.

♪ You cheat us of our hard-

earned tips, from the bar you're

stealing sips, why not trim your

nose hair, lady? ♪

>> Yeah.

>> Oh yes.

♪ You got your job 'cause you're

the owner, you're much too old

to get a boner, (laughs) why

don't you pack your bags,

lady. ♪

Sing it with me!

>> Who is this?

>> ♪ Yoo-guy-ya-hoo-aye!

You're the greatest boss in the

world! ♪

>> Who are you?

>> ♪ I love you so much,

I'm just kidding about

everything I just said before,

♪ You're really great and we

love you, but you are really a

whore, thank you. ♪

>> Who is this?

>> This is Sonny Tanning.

>> Okay.

>> ♪ You got a tight ass, you're

sexy and I love you so much,

damn girl, you got it

going on! ♪

That's what they told me to

sing, I don't know if all of

this is, uh, exactly what, uh...

♪ What they wanted you to hear,

but it's fun to sing, so hey! ♪

Uh, what are the specials

tonight, by the way?

>> Um, can I ask you to give me

a call back later when I'm not

so busy?

>> ♪ I can't believe you're

still on the phone, I want to

give you my hard ( bleeped ), oh

girl, why don't you come over

and get on your knees? ♪

>> I got to go.

>> Get on your knees and clean

the floor with the rest of the

help.

You know? For once.

( hang up )

>> ( laughing )

>> ( laughs )

( phone ringing )

( sniffing deeply )

( phone ringing )

>> ... Plumbing.

>> Hi, oh, I need a plumber

here, ASAP.

I lost something ( sighs ) very

important got flushed down the

toilet.

>> ( Southern accent ): Okay,

ma'am, where are you located?

>> I'm at ...

Oh, my God! ( sighs )

>> ...?

Where, in Commons?

>> Yeah.

>> Okay.

>> Oh!

>> What was it that you lost?

>> It's something really

important.

It's just something that was a

part of me that I... can't

believe this happened.

It was something I was planning

on... giving my daughter on her

wedding day.

It was...

>> Okay.

>> Oy.

And it... it was flushed down

the toilet?

>> Yes.

Unbelievable... the stuff that

gets flushed down a toilet, you

know.

>> Your name?

>> Hadassah.

>> Okay.

Was it some jewelry?

>> No.

>> What was it?

>> It was my own crap.

>> You're real funny, ma'am.

Real funny.

>> ( mimicking Southern

accent ): You're real funny.

>> But we could report you for

this, you know that?

>> ( mimicking ): You're real

funny.

>> Very funny.

>> ( mimicking ): You have a

funny sounding accent.

( echoing harp

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