May 7, 2014 - David Remnick

  • 05/07/2014

A vibrating pill fights constipation, scientists discover the world's first female penis, violence escalates in Ukraine, and The New Yorker's David Remnick talks "The 40s."

>> Stephen: TONIGHT FOX NEWSUNCOVERS A NEW SCANDAL.

ONE OF THEIR SHOWS WASN'TTALKING ABOUT BENGHAZI.

(LAUGHTER)THEN MORE EASTERN EUROPEAN

CONFLICT.

LAST NIGHT MY RUSSIANDRESSING GOT ON MY CHICKEN

KIEV.

(LAUGHTER)THEN MY GUEST DAVID REMNICK

HAS A NEW COLLECTION OF NEWYORKER PIECES FROM THE

1940s.

YOU KNOW, THE ONES YOURGRANDPARENTS ALWAYS MEANT TO

READ BUT DIDN'T.

17% OF AMERICANS SAY THEYWOULD HAVE SEX WITH A ROBOT.

THE OTHER 83% ARE LIARS.

(LAUGHTER)THIS IS "THE COLBERT

REPORT."

COMEDY CENTRAL>> Stephen: WELCOME TO THE

REPORT.

>> STEPHEN, STEPHEN,STEPHEN!

STEPHEN, STEPHEN, STEPHEN!

STEPHEN, STEPHEN, STEPHEN!

STEPHEN, STEPHEN, STEPHEN!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)THANK YOU, FOLKS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)THANK YOU, FOLKS.

WELCOME TO THE REPORT.

GOOD TO HAVE YOU WITH US,EVERYBODY.

FOLKS, THAT-- THIS CROWDTONIGHT IS AS CRISP AS A NEW

STALK OF CELERY.

AND THIS IS WHY I WILL NEVERPHONE IT IN, TO THE LAST DROP.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)NATION, BEFORE I SAY

ANYTHING ELSE TONIGHT IWOULD LIKE TO SAY T-MOBILE.

(LAUGHTER)T-MOBILE PROUD SPONSOR OF

THAT THING I JUST SAID.

YOU SEE, I AGREED YEARS AGOTHAT EVERY NOW AND THEN I

WOULD DO THESE INTEGRATEDSPONSORSHIPS ON THE REPORT

TO HELP PAY THE PRODUCTIONBILLS AND THAT'S WHAT THAT

WAS.

SO LET'S-- (LAUGHTER)

LET'S GET-- LET'S GET TO OURNUMBER ONE STORY WHICH

TONIGHT IS A NUMBER TWOSTORY.

>> DOCTORS BELIEVE THEY'VECOME UP WITH A WAY TO HELP

WITH CONSTIPATION.

IT INVOLVES A VIBRATINGPILL.

DOCTORS IN ISRAEL ARETESTING A NEW PILL THAT

SHAKES UP YOUR INTESTINALAREA AND GETS THINGS ROLLING

AGAIN.

>> Stephen: YES, A PILL THATVIBRATES YOUR CONSTIPATION

AWAY.

SORRY PRUNES, YOU JUST LOSTYOUR JOB TO A ROBOT.

THE NEW PILL IS CALLEDVIBRANT, A COMBINATION OF

THE WORDS VIBRATE AND NNNT.

(LAUGHTER)WHICH IS THE SOUND YOU MAKE

WHEN IT'S WORKING.

THE PILL PULSATES THREETIMES A MINUTE AND MIMICS

PERISTALSIS, THE BIOLOGICALPROCESS THAT PUSHES WAVES OF

WASTE THROUGH THE BOWELS, IKNOW YOU ARE SAYING WHERE I

DO SIGN UP FOR WAVES OFWASTE.

THAT'S MY ONLY PROBLEM WITHTHIS PILL.

YOU CAN'T GET IT IT'S STILLIN CLINICAL TRIALS.

BUT YOU FOLKS OUT THERE NEEDRELIEF NOW.

WHICH IS WHY I RECOMMEND YOUPUT YOUR CELL PHONE ON VIBRATE

AND SHOVE IT WHERE THESUN DON'T SHINE.

AND-- (APPLAUSE)

WHILE YOU'RE AT IT, WHY NOTMAKE IT A TOP OF THE LINE

SMART PHONE FROM T-MOBILE.

(LAUGHTER)BECAUSE WHEN YOU HAVE THE

FASTEST NATIONWIDE 4GLTENETWORK YOU CAN CALL YOUR

COLON FROM ANYWHERE IN THECOUNTRY WITH GREAT RECEPTION

NO MATTER HOW FAR YOU JAMMEDIT UP THERE.

AND T-MOBILE IS THEUNCARRIER, THE PHONE COMPANY

THAT OFFERS CONTRACTFREEDOM.

THAT MEANS NO ANNUAL SERVICECONTRACTS, NO LIMITS ON DATA

AND UPGRADES WHENEVER YOUWANT THE HOTTEST NEW SMART

PHONE THROBBING YOURDUODENUM.

AND WHAT'S THAT YOU SAY?

YOU HAVE ALREADY GOT A PHONEFROM ONE OF T-MOBILE'S

COMPETITORS WEDGED UP THERE?

NO PROBLEM, T-MOBILE WILLEVEN HELP PAY YOUR

TERMINATION FEES WHEN YOUBREAK UP WITH YOUR OLD

CARRIER, AND COVER UP TOFIVE DEVICES IN ONE PLAN,

FINALLY THE WHOLE FAMILY CANNESTLE THEM IN THEIR RECTUMS.

NOW YOU MIGHT BE THINKING,YOU MIGHT BE THINKING

STEPHEN, YOU SPENT A LOT OFTIME PUSHING THIS T-MOBILE

PRODUCT INTEGRATION.

ARE YOU T-MOBILE'S PUPPET?

NO, I WANT TO ASSURE YOU,NATION, T-MOBILE DID NOT ASK

ME TO SAY ANY OF THIS.

ALL THEIR MARKETING TEAMASKED IS THAT I QUOTE NOT

POSITION THE BRAND IN ANEGATIVE LIGHT.

AND-- THAT, THAT, THAT ISNOT A PROBLEM.

WHERE I'M TELLING YOU TOPOSITION IT, THERE ISN'T ANY

LIGHT AT ALL.

REMEMBER, T-MOBILE, PUT ITIN YOUR BUTT.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)NATION, I ALWAYS WANT TO

KNOW WHAT YOU THINK.

RIGHT AFTER I TELL YOU WHATTHAT IS.

THIS IS TIP OF THE HAT, WAGOF THE FINGER.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)FIRST UP, FOLKS, I'M SICK

AND TIRED OF CHRISTIANBAKERS AND

PHOTOGRAPHERS BEING FORCEDTO PARTICIPATE IN GAY

WEDDINGS THAT THEY DO NOTCONDONE.

I MEAN YOU THINK THAT EVENGAY PEOPLE WOULD BE AGAINST

A MAN MARRYING ANOTHER MAN.

IT IS KIND OF MATCHY-MATCHY.

THANKFULLY ONE HEROICBUSINESS IS STANDING UP.

KENTUCKY'S HERALD EMBROIDERYWHICH TOOK ADVANTAGE OF A

NEW STATE LAW PROTECTINGRELIGIOUS FREEDOM BY POSTING

A SET OF STOREFRONTSTICKERS.

THREE WELCOMINGCHRISTIANS, GUNS AND BEARDS.

AND TWO BANNING FOULLANGUAGE AND HOMOSEXUALS.

SO IF YOU ARE GAY, YOU CAN'TGO IN.

BUT YOUR BEARD CAN.

WHICH IS WHY-- (LAUGHTER)

I'M GIVING A RELUCTANT WAGOF THE FINGER TO HERALD

EMBROIDERY FOR TAKING A GOODIDEA TOO FAR.

BECAUSE FOLLOWING ACOMPLAINT FROM A LESBIAN

COUPLE WHO WAS REFUSEDSERVICE THE SHOP REPLACED

THOSE STICKERS WITH A SIGNEDREADING WHILE WE WILL

SERVE ALL CUSTOMERS WHOTREAT OUR PLACE OF BUSINESS

WITH RESPECT, WE RESERVE THERIGHT TO REFUSE TO PRODUCE

PROMOTIONAL PRODUCTS THATPROMOTE IDEAS THAT ARE NOT

IN KEEPING WITH OURCONSCIENCES THIS INCLUDES

BUT IS NOT LIMITED TOCONTENT PROMOTING HOMOSEXUALITY,

FREEMASONRY, THE USE OF FOULLANGUAGE AND IMAGERY WHICH

PROMOTES IMMODESTY.

NOW WAIT A SECOND.

I UNDERSTAND SHOWING THEGAYS THE DOOR.

BUT NOW YOU'RE GOING TODISCRIMINATE AGAINST ME

BECAUSE I'M A FREEMASON?

(LAUGHTER)WHICH I AM NOT.

BECAUSE IT'S A SECRETSOCIETY AND IF I WERE IN IT

I WOULD HAVE TO LIE AND SAYTHAT I AM NOT.

WHICH I AM NOT.

AND JUST THINK OF THE POORFREEMASONS.

DON'T THEY ALREADY FACEENOUGH JUDGEMENT?

I MEAN LIVING A DOUBLE LIFE,SNEAKING AROUND, NEVER BEING

ABLE TO SHOW THEIR FAMILYWHO THEY REALLY ARE.

AND ALL THE LIES.

SAYING I'M JUST WORKING LATE,HONEY, WHEN REALLY I'M

MEETING A BUNCH OF MEN TO DOGOD KNOWS WHAT IN A

WINDOWLESS HALL.

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S COME TOTHIS.

THE FREEMASONS ONCECONTROLLED THE LEVERS OF

GLOBAL POWER AND NOW WECAN'T GET AN EMBROIDERED

APRON, AGAIN, IS WHAT IWOULD SAY.

AND NO, WE WILL NOT SETTLEFOR SILKSCREEN, WHAT AM I A

[BLEEP] SHRINER?

NEXT UP-- (LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)NEXT UP ON THE TIP WAGS THE

LATEST BUZZ FROM THE WORLDOF INSECTS.

WARNING, FOLKS, WHAT YOU AREABOUT TO SEE IS EXTREMELY

GRAPHIC SO IF THERE ARE ANYLARVAE IN THE ROOM

WITH YOU NOW WOULD BE A GOODTIME FOR THEM TO LEAVE AND

PUPATE BECAUSE SCIENTISTS INBRAZIL HAVE DISCOVERED A

CAVE-DWELLING BUG WITH THEWORLD'S FIRST FEMALE PENIS.

AND DEAR GOD, SHE IS HUNGLIKE A HORSE FLY.

JIMMY, PLEASE, JIMMY, IT'S AFAMILY SHOW.

THANK YOU.

NOW IN THIS NEWLY DISCOVEREDSPECIES, THE FEMALE USES HER

ELABORATE PENIS-LIKE ORGANTO PENETRATE THE MALE'S

VAGINA LIKE OPENING ANDCOLLECT HIS SPERM.

FEMALE PENISES, MALE VAGINAS,THANKS, GAY MARRIAGE.

(APPLAUSE)WELL, THIS SHOCKING NEWS IS

WHY I'M GIVING A WAG OF MYFINGER AT BUG SCIENTISTS FOR

DISCOVERING THIS, USED TO BEI COULD GIVE A QUICK GLANCE

AT AN INSECT'S THORAX ANDKNOW RIGHT AWAY IF I WAS

SEXUALLY ATTRACTED TO IT.

BUT NOW IN THIS REPORT ONTHESE INTERSEX INSECTS OR

IN-SECTS, AND THE DISCOVERYOF THE FEMALE PENIS, I, NEY,

ALL MEN ARE FORCED TO ASKOURSELVES, WHAT GENDER IS MY

PENIS.

I HAVE ALWAYS IDENTIFIED ASHAvING A MALE PENIS.

BUT IT TURNS OUT I COULD BESWINGING LADY JUNK.

(LAUGHTER)AND IF SO, IS MY PENIS A

LESBIAN BECAUSE SHEDEFINITELY HAS AN EYE FOR

THE LADIES.

NOW NEXT UP, NEXT UP ONTIPPY TIPPY WAGGERMAN, FOLKS,

IF YOU FOLLOW THE NEWS YOUKNOW THAT BENGHAZI HAS

BEEN BLOWING UP AGAIN BECAUSEOF A SCANDALOUS NEW MEMO

LINKING THE OBAMAADMINISTRATION DIRECTLY TO

THINGS SAID BY MEMBERS OFTHE OBAMA ADMINISTRATION.

AND FOX NEWS'S THE FIVE'STHE ERIC BOLLING HAS AN

IRONCLAD EXPLANATION FOR WHYTHEY DID WHATEVER IT IS

WE'RE ACCUSING THEM OFHAVING DONE AFTER THE

BENGHAZI ATTACK.

>> ONE MORE PIECE TO THISDON'T FORGET THIS WAS PRIOR,

PRIOR TO OSAMA BIN LADENBEING TAKEN DOWN.

AND THE THOUGHT WAS AND THEDISCUSSION WAS, ASK

PRESIDENT OBAMA GOING INTOTHE RE-ELECTION SOFT ON

TERROR OR NOT.

>> A LOT OF PEOPLE ARESAYING IT WAS AFTER.

>> MUCH AFTER.

>> WAS IT AFTER.

>> YEAH, YEAH, YEAH,.

>> MY BAD, I TAKE IT BACK.

>> A GREAT POINT IF IT WERETRUE.

>> YES.

THAT'S UNDENIABLE.

YES.

A GREAT POINT AND AFANTASTIC NEW MOTTO, FOX

NEWS, FAIR AN BALANCED, AGREAT POINT IF IT WERE TRUE.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)STILL-- I'VE GOT TO GIVE A

WAG OF MY FINGER TO DANAPERINO.

WHY DID YOU CORRECT HIM?

BOLLING WAS PULLING APASSIONATE HEART-FELT

CONSPIRACY THEORY STRAIGHTOUT OF HIS ASS.

YOU DON'T INTERRUPT A MAN INMID YANK, THAT'S RUDE.

(LAUGHTER)JUST SAY GREAT POINT.

BECAUSE BOLLING WAS RIGHT,UP TO A POINT.

OBAMA NOT HAVING CAUGHT BINLADEN AT THE TIME OF THE

BENGHAZI ATTACKS WOULD HAVEMADE HIM LOOK SOFT ON TERROR

IF TIME HAPPENED IN THATORDER.

-- HAPPENED IN THAT ORDER.

SO DANA, COME ON, GIVE YOURCOLLEAGUES A BREAK.

THEY'VE BEEN TALKING ABOUTBENGHAZI NONSTOP FOR 20

MONTHS.

YOU CAN'T EXPECT THEM TOREMEMBER THE EXACT DAY THAT

IT HAPPENED.

I MEAN WHEN WAS IT ANYWAY?

>> OH, SEPTEMBER 11th.

WELL, HOW ON EARTH ARE YOUSUPPOSED TO NEVER FORGET

THAT?

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.

THANKS SO MUCH.

NOW NATION, I HAVE BEENTRYING MY BEST TO IGNORE THE

UKRAINE.

(LAUGHTER)AND I MEAN FROM THE VERY

BEGINNING.

I REFUSE TO EVEN ACKNOWLEDGEHETMAN BOHDAN KHMELNYTSKY'S

1648 UPRISING AGAINST POLAND.

UNFORTUNATELY EVENTS INUKRAINE KEEP ANNEXING THE

NEWS.

ARMED PRO RUSSIAN MILITIASHAVE SEIZED GOVERNMENT

BUILDINGS IN SEVERALUKRAINIAN CITIES, INCLUDING

DONETSK, SLOVYANSK AND-- I'MGOING TO SAY CHIEF.

AND OVER THE PAST WEEKENDTHINGS WENT UKRAINE IN THE

MEMBRANE.

>> UKRAINE LAUNCHED ITSSTRONGEST ATTACK SO FAR ON

PRO RUSSIAN MILITIAS.

>> THE UKRAINIAN GOVERNMENTIS LAUNCHING A LARGE SCALE

ANTI-TERROR OPERATION TORECAPTURE THE EASTERN CITY

OF SLOVIANSK,THIS AS THE VIOLENCE IN

UKRAINE ESCALATES.

>> Stephen: AND FOLKS, IF WELOSE EASTERN UKRAINE TO

RUSSIA, THE NEXT THING YOUKNOW THERE GOES SPRING BREAK

IN ZAPORIZHIA, OBLASQT ANDALL OF THIS IS DUE TO THE ACTION

OF ONE UNHINGED DICTATOR,BARACK OBAMA.

THANKS IT HIS WEAKNESS PUTINIS RUNNING WILD.

>> HE KEEPS TELLING PUTIN DON'TWORRY WE AREN'T GOING TO DO

ANYTHING MILITARILY.

>> HE IS READ BY THE REST OFTHE WORLD AS WEAK.

>> IT IS REALLY AWEAK-- REALLY, I AM NOT

SAYING THAT WITH ANYPARTISAN STUFF, I MEAN, BUT

YOU KNOW, COME ON.

THE PRESIDENT-- SEEMSUNWILLING TO TAKE STEPS

THAT REALLY WOULD IMPRESSTHE RUSSIANS.

>> Stephen: YEAH, YOU GOT TOIMPRESS THE RUSSIANS.

AND HOW HARD COULD THAT BE.

THEIR IDEA OF ENTERTAINMENTIS PUTTING THINGS INSIDE

OTHER THINGS.

THAT'S THEIR SEINFELD.

BUT OUR COMMANDER IN WEAKJUST DOESN'T HAVE WHAT IT

TAKES TO STAREPUTIN DOWN.

MEANWHILE PUTIN HAS SO MUCHSACK-SKI HE TOLD THE

UKRAINIANS TO WITHDRAW ALLMILITARY UNITS FROM THE

SOUTHEASTERN REGIONS OFTHEIR OWN COUNTRY.

THAT IS BOLD.

THAT IS LIKE TELLING YOURNEIGHBOR TO WITHDRAW TO THE

COUCH BECAUSE YOU WANT TOANNEX THE SOUTHEASTERN REGONS

OF HIS WIFE.

NOW I DON'T KNOW WHY THEPRESIDENT ISN'T JUST

LISTENING TO THESE PEOPLE.

>> WHAT I WOULD DO IF I WASTHE ADMINISTRATION, I WOULD

HELP ARM THE UKRAINIANPEOPLE SO THEY CAN DEFEND

THEMSELVES.

>> THE UKRAINIANS WILL FIGHTAND FOR US NOT TO GIVE THEM

THE CAPABILITY TO DEFENDTHEMSELVES IS WORSE THAN

SHAMEFUL.

>> WE REALLY SHOULD PROVIDESOME DEFENSIVE WEAPONRY.

>> I THINK IT IS TIME FOR US TO CONSIDER ANTI-TANK

WEAPONRY, ANTI-AIRCRAFTWEAPONRY.

>> DEPUTY DOG IS RIGHT.

WE MUST-- WE MUST ARM THESEANTI-RUSSIAN FORCES WITH

ROCKET LAUNCHERS.

IT WORKED SO WELL WITH THEMUJAHIDEEN IN AFGHANISTAN.

AND THAT NEVER BIT US IN THEASS.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

>> WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY,MY GUEST TONIGHT SAY

RENOWNED JOURNALIST WHO HASA NEW COLLECTION OF NEW

YORKER PIECES FROM THE1940s.

PREVIOUSLY ONLY AVAILABLE INTHE WAITING ROOM OF A

90-YEAR-OLD DENTIST.

PLEASE WELCOME DAVID REMNICK.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)THANKS SO MUCH FOR COMING

ON.

I HAVE TO GET RID OF THESENEW YORKERS, THEY STACK UP

AFTER A WHILE.

THANKS FOR COMING ON, WEHAVE MET BEFORE, I HAVE

NEVER HAD YOU DOWN FOR ANINTERVIEW.

NICE TO FINALLY HAVE YOUHERE.

>> GREAT TO BE HERE.

>> Stephen: EDITOR OF "THENEW YORKER" SINCE 1998 ALSO

A PULITZER PRIZE WINNINGAUTHOR OF LENINS TOMB, HAVE

WRITTEN OVER A HUNDRED ARTICLESFOR YOUR OWN MAGAZINE, YOU

MUST KNOW SOMEBODY.

AND YOU'RE THE AUTHOR-- NOTTHE AUTHOR, YOU'RE HERE WITH

A NEW BOOK CALLED THE 40s.

THE STORY OF A DECADE.

AND THESE ARE SOME OF THEBEST ARTICLES FROM THE 1940S.

>> IT WAS A TIME WHEN "THENEW YORKER" GREW UP WITH THE

COUNTRY, THE MAGAZINE WAS AKIND OF COMIC LIGHT MAGAZINE

OF THE JAZZ AGE AND SUDDENLYWITH THE ARRIVAL OF THE WAR,

THE MAGAZINE REALLY GREW UP.

IT WAS KIND THE BIRTH OF ALITERARY JOURNALISM BOTH AT

WAR AND AT HOME AFTERWARDSAS THE NATION BECAME THIS

KIND OF SINGULAR POWERDURING THE START OF THE

AMERICAN CENTURY.

>> Stephen: WHAT WAS THEMOST OBVIOUS CHANGE TO THE

MAGAZINE?

WERE ALL THE DOGPSYCHIATRISTS OVERSEAS

FIGHTING HITLER.

>> YEAH, THEY WERE ON EYEDESERT ISLAND, IN THE SAME

CARTOON.

I THINK IT WAS AN AMAZINGTHING, THE IDEA THAT YOU

WOULD SEND A JOURNALIST TOJAPAN, A JOURNALIST AND

MAYBE EVERYBODY HERE HASREAD THIS IN HIGH SCHOOL.

>> Stephen: IN 1946.

>> THAT'S RIGHT.

AND THAT WAS CONSIDERED INSOME WAYS AN INCREDIBLY BOLD

THING TO DO.

BUT EVEN SUBVERSIVE TOREPORT ON THE FALLEN ENEMY

IN BASICALLY SYMPATHETICTERMS AND SEE WHAT THE

EFFECT OF AN ATOMIC BOMB HADBEEN ON THIS ISLAND.

>> Stephen: SO "THE NEWYORKER" SENT SOMEBODY TO

HIROSHIMA IN '46 TO REPORTFROM THE POINT OF VIEW OF

THE PEOPLE THAT GOT BOMBED.

>> EXACTLY.

>> Stephen: THAT WASN'T SEENAS TREASONIST.

>> THIS ARTICLE WHICH TOOKUP THE ENTIRE ISSUE OF "THE

NEW YORKER", NO CARTOONS,JUST FROM BEGINNING TO END WAS

SUCH A SENSATION THAT IT WASREAD OVER THE RADIO, ARMED

THE WORLD AND TRANSLATEDINTO MANY, MANY LANGUAGES

AND IT BECAME, YOU KNOW, ASTAPLE OF HIGH-SCHOOL

STUDENTS EVERYWHERE.

>> Stephen: I NEVER READ THEARTICLE.

GIVE ME A PREVIEW, DID THEJAPANESE LIKE IT?

>> THEY DID NOT SO MUCH.

>> Stephen: THE UNITEDSTATES DID IT SO IT HAD TO

BE THE RIGHT THING TO DO.

>> THAT HAS A CERTAIN LOGIC.

>> Stephen: WHY WAS THEREANYONE LEFT TO WORK ON "THE

NEW YORKER"?

WHY WASN'T EVERY SINGLEPERSON IN THE 1940s OFF

FIGHTING.

>> GOOD POINT.

FOR THE FIRST TIME "THE NEWYORKER" REALLY HAD MANY MORE

WOMEN ON ITS STAFF BECAUSETHERE WERE SO MANY STAFF

WRITERS AND EDITORS WHO HADGONE OFF IN UNIFORM TO

EUROPE AND TO ASIA.

>> AS "THE NEW YORKER"CHANGED FROM A COMEDY

MAGAZINE IN THE 1920s AND1930s INTO WHAT IT BECAME

WHICH WAS SORT OF A-- REALLYJOURNALISM IN THE 1940s,

WERE THERE PEOPLE THAT Y'ALLREJECTED THAT LATER YOU SAID

BOY, WE WERE DUMB.

>> YEAH, I MEAN NO MAGAZINECAN GET EVERYBODY.

SO A POET LIKE ELIZABETHBISHOP FLOURISHED IN "THE

NEW YORKER".

AND WE MISSED THE BOAT ONSOMEBODY LIKE WALLACE STEVENS

AND IT IS INEVITABLE THAT AMAGAZINE IS GOING TO DO

THIS.

AND IT'S GOING TO SET THETONE OF THE MAGAZINE, NOT

ONLY WHO YOU ARE RIGHTABOUT, AND SOMETIMES WHO YOU

ARE WRONG ABOUT.

>> Stephen: NOW YOU, AS ISAID YOU WON A PULITZER

PRIZE FOR YOUR BOOK LENIN'STOMB.

YOU KNOW SOMETHING ABOUT THERUSSIANS AND THE RUSSIAN

MIND.

>> YEAH.

THINGS ARE GOING GREAT.

>> Stephen: OKAY.

I-- I'M WORRIED ABOUT THEUKRAINE.

ALL RIGHT.

WHY AM I WORRIED?

>> AND HOW MUCH LONGER AM IGOING TO HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT

IT, BECAUSE RIGHT NOW I'MJUST WAITING THROUGH AN

OMELET OF CONSONANTS WITHEVERY WORD IT WAS BAD ENOUGH

TO MEMORIZE THE ABU, BINLADEN OR WHATEVER.

AT LEAST THAT IS LANGUAGEHAS SOME [BLEEP] VOWELS IN

IT.

>> Stephen: IT'S A CONSONANTHEAVY DIET OVER THERE.

LET'S BIND THEM UP A BIT,THEY SHOULD GET A CELL

PHONE.

THAT IS THE CENTER OF THECONTROVERSY, IT A DISASTER.

THERE MIGHT BE A CIVIL WARIN UKRAINE IF WE DON'T WATCH

OUT.

THERE MIGHT BE A-- .

>> Stephen: IS IT REALLY ACIVIL WAR OR A WAR BETWEEN

RUSSIA AND UKRAINE.

>> A CIVIL WAR IN MY VIEWTHAT IS BEING PROVOKED BY

RUSSIA.

THERE IS BLAME TO GO ALLAROUND.

EVERYBODY HAS MISHANDLEDTHIS BUT AT THE CENTER OF

THIS, THE REAL CULPRIT OFWHY WE ARE IN THIS TERRIBLY

DANGEROUS SPOT IS VLADIMIRPUTIN.

VLADIMIR PUTIN.

>> Stephen: HE IS A STRONGLEADER.

YOU HAVE TO RESPECT THAT.

>> YES, HE SHOWS HISMUSCLE.

>> Stephen: YES, HE DOES.

>> HE DOES SHOW HIS MUSCLE.

>> Stephen: HE TAKES HISSHIRT OFF.

HE HAS BEEN TAKING HIS SHIRTOFF FOR A LONG TIME.

WHEN WILL WE KNOW THINGS AREGETTING REALLY DANGEROUS,

WHEN HE TAKES HIS PANTS OFF?

>> YOU KNOW, FOR MANYREASONS I'M PRAYING HE KEEPS

HIS PANTS ON.

I THINK THAT WOULD BE BETTERFOR THE WORLD.

>> Stephen: DO THE RUSSIANPEOPLE LIKE THIS?

>> UNFORTUNATELY, YES, HISAPPROVAL RATING IS IN THE

80s.

>> Stephen: DO YOU THINK HEDID THIS FOR APPROVAL

RATINGS?

>> YES.

>> Stephen: BECAUSE HE COULDHAVE JUST GONE ON "BETWEEN

TWO FERNS" AND TAKEN CARE OFIT THAT WAY.

>> YES, YEAH.

THAT WOULD HAVE WORKED.

>> Stephen: DAVID, THANK YOUSO MUCH FOR JOINING ME.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)DAVID REMNICK, "THE NEW

YORKER".

THE 40s.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

>> Stephen: THAT'S IT FORTHE REPORT, EVERYBODY.