Amy Schumer & Jim Norton

  • Season 2, Ep 1
  • 07/09/2013

Anthony learns the ins and outs of necrophilia and shares the history of the Panel; Amy Schumer and Jim Norton role play.

KIDS, THE JESELNIK OFFENSIVEPANEL STARTED

WAY BACK IN FEBRUARY.

YOU KNOW PANEL.YOU LOVE PANEL.

PANEL IS ALL OF US.

BUT DO YOU KNOW THE STORYOF PANEL?

PANEL STARTED OUT LIFEAS A HUMBLE CYPRESS TREE.

EVENTUALLY, PANEL WASCHOPPED DOWN

AND FASHIONEDINTO THE CROSS

THAT JESUS CHRISTWAS CRUCIFIED UPON.

BUT AFTERWARDS, PANEL DENIEDEVER HAVING KNOWN CHRIST,

BECAUSE PANEL'S COOLLIKE THAT.

PANEL IS THE LIGHT.ALL HAIL PANEL.

all: ALL HAIL PANEL!

- NEXT, PANEL RECEIVED A MESSAGEFROM HIS FATHER PAN-EL,

WHO LIVEDON A DISTANT PLANET

WHICH WAS JUSTLIKE EARTH

EXCEPT THEY WEREWITHOUT PANEL.

SO PAN-EL SAIDUNTO HIS ONLY SON,

"YOU WILL GIVE THE PEOPLEAN IDEAL TO PANEL TOWARDS.

"THEY WILL PANELBEHIND YOU.

"THEY WILL STUMBLE.THEY WILL FALL.

"BUT IN TIME,THEY WILL PANEL IN THE SUN.

"IN TIME, YOU WILL HELP THEMPANEL WONDERS.

PANEL IS THE ONE.ALL HAIL PANEL."

all: ALL HAIL PANEL!

- AND LO...[laughter]

A COUPLE OF YEARS AGO,PANEL SIGNED A DEVELOPMENT DEAL

WITH COMEDY CENTRAL.

BUT PANEL WASA FICKLE MISTRESS

AND REJECTED MANY SUITORS.

PANEL WOULD NOT WORKWITH TOSH.

PANEL WOULD NOT WORKWITH KROLL.

PANEL WOULD NOT WORKWITH KEY OR PEELE.

BUT PANEL WAS IN LUCK

BECAUSE ONE DAY,A TALL, DARK, HANDSOME STRANGER

SAID THE DIVINE WORDS,"YEAH, I'LL DO PANEL,

"IF I DON'T HAVE TO PUTPICTURES OF MY MONOLOGUE

LIKE A [bleep] IDIOT."

AND THUS,PANEL WAS TOLERATED.

AND PANEL WAS GOOD...FOR THE MOST PART.

ALL HAIL PANEL.all: ALL HAIL PANEL!

- AND NOW, PANEL RULESEVERYTHING AROUND ME.

P.R.E.A.M., GET THE PANEL,PANEL, PANEL BILL, Y'ALL.

IT'S TIME FOR PANEL.

PLEASE WELCOMEFROM COMEDY CENTRAL'S

WITH THE BEST WORST THINGOF THE WEEK.

OF ALL THE AWFULNEWS STORIES,

THIS ONE'S MY FAVORITE.

PUNT, PASS, AND KILL.

EVIDENCE IS PILING UP

AGAINST FORMER PATRIOTTIGHT END AARON HERNANDEZ,

WHO WAS ARRESTEDAND CHARGED WITH MURDER

FOR THE EXECUTION-STYLEKILLING

OF A SEMI-PRO FOOTBALL PLAYER.

THE PATRIOTSDROPPED HIM IMMEDIATELY

LIKE HE WAS A PERFECTLYTHROWN PASS IN THE SUPER BOWL.

[laughter]

AMY, YOU FIRST.

YOU LOVE SPORTSAND TALKING ABOUT THEM.

- AW, GOD, I CAN'T GET ENOUGHOF TALKING ABOUT SPORTS.

I JUST--THIS WHOLE STORYREMINDED ME OF A QUOTE.

I BELIEVE IT WASTHE GREAT PAULA DEEN WHO SAID...

- YEAH, LET'SCUT YOU OFF THERE.

LET'S GO TO JIM.

- WELL, IT'S FUNNY TO METHAT PEOPLE ARE COMPLAINING

THAT THE PATRIOTS DROPPED--

I THINK THE PATRIOTSWERE SMART TO DROP HIM.

THEY WERE STUPID TO IMMEDIATELYSIGN GEORGE ZIMMERMAN.

BUT THEY WERE SMARTTO DROP HIM.

- THAT GUY CAN REALLY THROWTHE FOOTBALL, THOUGH.

- AW, HE SURE CAN.

PERFECT AIM, BUT YOU HAVE TO BERIGHT ON TOP OF HIM

BEFORE HE THROWS IT.

- YEAH.TRUE.

I THINK THE WEIRD THINGABOUT THIS STORY--

I MEAN, IT'S SO OBVIOUSHE'S GUILTY...ALLEGEDLY

BECAUSE HE ACTUALLY HIREDA CLEANING CREW

TO CLEAN UP HIS HOUSETHE DAY AFTER THE MURDER.

AND WHY WOULD HE NEEDA CLEANING CREW?

HIS LAST NAME IS HERNANDEZ.- RIGHT?

- I-THE FUNNY PART TO MEIS HE'S ALSO SAYING,

LIKE, THAT HE HAD NOTHINGTO DO WITH IT.

BUT IT'S, LIKE, DUDE,THEY FOUND BUBBLICIOUS

THAT YOU BOUGHTBY THE BODY.

SO EITHER HE DID ITOR IT WAS A GIRL

WITH A HELLO KITTY BACKPACK.

- I-AM I THE ONLY ONEWHO DOESN'T THINK

THIS GUY DID IT?

I THINK HE'S INNOCENT.

I MEAN, HAVE YOU SEENHIS TATTOOS?

HE MAKES GREATPERMANENT DECISIONS.

- I THINK HERNANDEZ COULD GAINA LOT OF SYMPATHY FROM PEOPLE

IF HE WOULD JUST LOOK AT THEMAND SAY, "HEY, LISTEN.

"I'M SORRYABOUT THIS WHOLE THING.

"I'VE JUST BEEN UNDER A LOTOF PRESSURE LATELY

"BECAUSE I'M THE FIRSTOPENLY GAY PLAYER IN THE NFL.

PARADES!"

UP NEXT IS THE WORST,WORST THING OF THE WEEK.

AND CELEBRATEYOUR INDEPENDENCE.

IT'S "DEFENDING YOUR TWEET."YOU TWEETED IT.

NOW I'M GONNA READ ITAND ASK YOU TO DEFEND IT

IN FRONT OF ALLTHESE PEOPLE.

AMY, ON JUNE 17TH,YOU TWEETED...

AMY SCHUMER,LOVE OF MY FORMER LIFE,

DEFEND YOUR TWEET.

- I DON'T BELIEVEYOU EVER LOVED ME.

BUT I, UM...[laughter]

OKAY, WELL, WHAT HAPPENEDWAS COMEDY CENTRAL

ASKED ME TO LIVE-TWEETMY TV SHOW.

AND I MISUNDERSTOOD'CAUSE I WAS DRUNK.

AND I LIVE-TWEETED ANTIQUES ROADSHOW.

- AHH.I SEE.

PRETTY GOOD DEFENSE.JIM.

- YES?- JIM NORTON.

ON JUNE 24TH, YOU TWEETED...

JIM, DEFEND YOUR TWEET.

- WELL, I WAS WATCHINGA SPECIAL ON ELEPHANTS

AND HOW THEY'RE JUST--THEY'RE MISTREATED.

AND IT JUST BOTHERED ME.I HATE CIRCUSES.

AND I HATE WHEN PEOPLEARE MEAN TO ELEPHANTS.

IT JUST GETS ME.- YEAH, YEAH.

- THAT'S USUALLYMY OPENING LINE IN A BAR

TO MAKE A WOMANTHINK I'M SENSITIVE.

YEAH.- DONE AND DONE.

- YEAH.- WELL, THANK YOU GUYS BOTH

SO MUCHFOR BEING HERE TONIGHT.

VISIT AMYSCHUMER.COMAND CHECK OUT HER TOUR DATES.

AND SEE JIM'S NEW HOUR SPECIAL AMERICAN DEGENERATE,

PREMIERING AUGUST 23RDON EPIX.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACKWITH MORE SHOW.

[cheers and applause]

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