Monday, January 5, 2015

  • 01/05/2015

Nikki Glaser, Jon Daly and Ron Funches come up with gifts for Taylor Swift to give her fans, list #EdibleGeography, examine unusual photobombs and make predictions for 2015.

RIPPEDFROM THE INTERNET HEADLINES,

IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

A LOT OF IMPORTANT STUFFHAPPENED WHALE WE WERE BE

BREAK, HOLIDAYS, NEW AREA ANDALL THAT KIND OF [BLEEP].

BUT BY FIRE THE MOST VITAL WASTAYLOR SWIFT DID A THING.

OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!

THE INTERNET OBSESSION WITH THISTOTALLY ADORABLE DOWN-TO-EARTH

BIZILLIONAIRE CONTINUED WHENTAY-TAY MADE A VIDEO OF HERSELF

GIVING CHRISTMAS PRESENTS TORANDOM FANS. OH GODDAMN IT, ROLL

IT.

>> MEREDITH, THAT IS SOPHIE'SBLANKET.

INDISTINGUISHABLE CRYING

>> OH MY GOD.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> CHRIS: [BLEEP] TAY-DORABLE.

I WAS SO INPIRED BY TAYLOR'SSWIFT GENUINE AND NOT AT ALL

STAGED OUTBURSTS OF SWTIFNESSGENEROSITY THAT I DESAIDED TO

MAKE MY OWN GIFT-GIVING VIDEO.

THIS TIME THIS IS WHAT WE'REGOING GOING WITH, OKAY?

LET'S [BLEEP]ING GO, OKAY?READY?

ONE, TWO, THREE. ROLL.

AND, HA HA, WOOH!

WHAT A LONG, CRAZY GIVING DAYWRAPPING PRESENTS FOR MY

COMEDIAN FRIENDS! IT'S GONNA BEA GREAT HARDWICKMAS THIS YEAR.

CUT. WHO PUT THIS [BLEEP]INGCAT HERE?

I HATE [BLEEP]ING CATS.

>> IS THIS A JAR OF PISS?

>> OH MY GOD, THESE ARE THEUNDERWEAR THAT I HAD STOLEN

FROM THE LAUNDROMAT LAST WEEK.

(LAUGHTER)

>> IT'S JUST WHAT I WANTED.

MOM, MOM, I GOT IT!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> CHRIS: NOW -- YEAH, I KNOW.

WELL, I AM A GIVER.

I JUST GIVE UNTIL IT HURTS.

AND I'M LEFT AN EMPTY SHELL AMAN WHO HAS NO INNARDS ANYMORE

BECAUSE I GAVE SO MUCH.

BUT WE DIDN'T GET A REALLY GOODLOOK AT WHAT TAYLOR SWIFT WAS

SENDING TO PEOPLE.

WHAT DO YOU THINK AMUTIMILLIONAIRE WHO'S BEEN

FAMOUSE SINCE SHE WAS 12 WOULDSEND HER FANS, NIKKI GLASER?

>> SLAVES?

SORRY. SORRY.

> I MEAN, YOU COULD MEANLIKE ANCIENT WORLD EGYPTIAN

SLAVES T COULD BE ANY --

>> YEAH, I DIDN'T MEAN THAT.

>> CHRIS: ALL RIGHT, POINTS FORNIKKI GLASER, JON DALY.

>> SNAPCHAT OF HER SECRETDICK.

>> YOU KNOW WHAT SHE DOESWHEN SHE IS PEEING? SHAKE IT

OFF, SHAKE IT OFF.

POINTS TO JON DALY.

RON FUNCHES.

>> I HEARD SHE GIVES GREATGIFTS, LIKE FABERGE EGGS BUT

IF YOU BREAK IT, YOU WILLNEVER, EVER, GET IT BACK

TOGETHER.

>> CHRIS: MMM, MMM. SING ITSISTER.

POINTS.

SEASON FIVE OF DOWNTOWNABBEY PREMIERED IN AMERICA

LAST NIGHT.

SOCIAL MEDIA WAS A FLUTTERWITH THE NEWS THAT MODERN

TAMES HAVE FINALLY COME TOTHE INTERNET'S FAVORITE

SERVANT MASTERS, LET US TAKEA LOOK.

>> I AM NOT A HATER.

>> CHRIS: THAT'S RIGHT.

TOM'S NOT A HATEDDER THIS ISCLARELY A PLOY BY THE

WRITERS TO APPEAL TO THEGODDAMN MILLENNIALS.

COMEDIANS, WHAT ARE OTHER MODERNPHRASES THEY WILL FORCE DOWN

YOUR THROATS IN DOWNTONABBEY THIS SEASON.

NIKKI GLASER.

>> THEY'RE CHANGING THE NAMETO TURN DOWNTON ABBEY FOR WHAT?

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

YO, WHO IS THIS DOWNTOWNABBEY BITCH EVERYONE IS

TALKING ABOUT?

RON FUNCHES.

>> LADY EDITH IS GOING TOCALL LADY MARY A RATCHET

ASS BITCH.

>> CHRIS: PROBABLY SO. POINTS.

IT IS NOW TIME FOR THEHASHTAGWARS!

THE FIRST HASHTAG WARS OF 2015.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> THIS IS THE FIRST MONDAY NFTNEW YEAR, WHICH MEANS YOU'RE

PROBABLY FEELING THEAFTER-AFFECTS OF HOLIDAY

TRAVELING LONG DISTANCES IT EATSTARCHES WITH PEOPLE YOU

SECRETLY RESENT.

SO, WITH THAT IN MIND, TONIGHT'SHASHTAG WAR IS #EDIBLEGEOGRAPHY.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE MADAGASCARBS.

OR FOODAPEST.

OR THE GRAND FUNYUNS.

OH MY GOD, I WOULD SO GO TOTHE GRAND FUNYUN.

I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK AND GO.

YES, RON FUNCHES.

>> TURKEY.

>> CHRIS: POINTS. PERFECT.

IT WAS RIGHT THERE.

NOW I'M TIRED.

NIKKI GLASER.

>> SNACK PAKISTAN.

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS.

JON DALY.

>> SASSKATCHEWONTOM SOUP.

>> CHRIS: POINTS! RON FUNCHES.

>> YOU MAY KNOW IT AS BURMA,BUT IT WILL ALWAYS BE

MYANMARSHMELLO TO ME.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

RON FUNCHES.

>> ORANGE COUNTY.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

YEP. JON DALY.

>> CHILI CHILI CHILI.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

NIKKI.

>> VIETNAM-NAM-NAM-NAM.

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS,

NIKKI.

>> SACRA-MENTOS.

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS.

THE FRESH MAKER.

RON.

>> PUSSYLVANIA.

IT IS TIME TO PLAY THEBLUNDER YEARS, THE BLUNDER

YEARS.

IT IS BACK-TO-SCHOOL TIME. I'MSORRY, I SUCK FOR REMINDING YOU

OF THAT.

BEFORE THE BREAK, WE ASKEDTHE VIEWERS AT HOME TO SEND

OLD PHOTOS OF WHEN YOU USEDTO BE A KID AT THE SCHOOL.

SO COME ON, LET'S MAKE FUNOF SOME CHILDREN.

I GONNA SHOW YOU A REALSCHOOL PHOTO TWEETED BY A

VIEWER, FOR 250 POINTS IWHAT LIKE YOU TO GIVE ME

THEIR CLASS SUPERLATIVE ANDTELL ME WHAT THEY WERE VOTED

MOST LAKELY TO DO.

ALL RIGHT.

FIRST ONE, THIS HELL-RAISER.

TIME TO PLAY.

RON?

>> THE MOST LIKELY TO TRULY"GET" SLIPKNOT.

>> CHRIS: POINTS, POINTS.

JON.

>> MOST LIKELY TO WEAR DENIMSHORTS AND SHOOT BOTTLE

ROCKETS AT A DOG.

>> CHRIS: POINTS. YEP. POINTS.

NIKKI.

>> MOST LIKELY TO USE ASKATEBOARD AS A WEAPON.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

SOMEONE NEEDS TO HARVESTTHAT CORN UP THERE.

I THINK IT'S TIME.

I MEAN CORN WITH A 'K.'

NEXT ONE --

THE PERM QUEEN.

THE PERM QUEEN.

YES, NIKKI.

>> MOST LIKELY TO BEMISTAKEN FOR A CAMP FIRE.

(LAUGHTER)

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

STOP TRYING TO PUT ME OUT.

RON FUNCHES.

>> MOST LAKELY TO ACTUALLYBE JIM CARREY.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

>> SMOKIN'!

>> CHRIS: NEXT ONE.

THIS O-BOENER.

YES, NIKKI.

>> MOST LIKELY TO BECYBERBULLIED BY HIS AUNT.

>> HER AUNT.

>> CHRIS: THAT'S A LITTLE GIRL.

>> OH, [BLEEP].

I'M SO SORRY, AMANDA.

YOU TURNED OUT LOVELY.>> CHRIS: IT'S KIND HARD TO ---

>> YOU TURNED OUT GREAT.

>> CHRIS: LAST ONE.

THIS FIVE-INCH TALL TEDDYBEAR-THUSIAN.

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THAT,RONALD FUNCHES.

>> MOST LIKELY TO LOSE HERVIRGINITY TO THAT TEDDY BEAR.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

IT'S TIME FOR OUR NEXT GAME,PHOTOBOMBS: CREEPY OR CUTE.

I ENJOY THIS GAME GREATLY.

THIS IS OUR CLASSIC GAMEWHERE WE SHOW YOU A PIECE OF

PHOTO BOMB THAT HAS GONEVIRAL AND FOR 250 POINTS YOU

CAN TELL US IF IT IS AN ADORABLECHUNK OF WHOOPSIE, OR A

HORRIFIC SNAPSHOT FROM ALIVING HELLSCAPE.

CREEPY OR CUTE.

LET'S BEGIN, FIRST ONE, THEVICTIM WAS THE TOP OF REDDIT

TODAY. WHAT'S GOING ON BEHINDTHE @MIDNIGHT SYMBOL?

IS THAT CREEPY OR CUTE, RON?

>> I'M GOING TO SAY IT'SCREEPY BECAUSE I DON'T LIKE

THOSE PEOPLE.

>> CHRIS: YOU ALREADY-- SO YOUARE DEFINING WHAT IS GOING ON

BACK THERE BASED ON YOURDISLIKE OF THESE PEOPLE.

>> YES.

>> CHRIS: WELL, LET'S FIND OUT.

HORRIBLY CREEPY!

NOW IF YOU CAN'T --

NOW, THIS PROBABLY CAUGHT YOURATTENTION, WHAT YOU DIDN'T

SEE WAS THE BLENING WITH THECOLOR IS THIS TINY HAND.

(APPLAUSE)

>> SO IS IT CREEPY AND CUTE?

>> CHRIS: NO, JON, NO. IT'S ALLCREEPY.

>> I FIND IT CREEPY AND CUTE.

>> CHRIS: ALL RIGHT, NEXT ONE.

THIS NOBLE STEED.

CREEPY --

LAUGHTER

>> WHAT?

>> CHRIS: SOMEBODY HELP HIM, THEHORSE IS STUCK IN THE FENCE!

HOW DID HE GET IN THERE?

JON.

>> I THINK THERE ISSOMETHING REAL CUTE COMING

OUT OF THAT HORSE.

REAL CUTE.

>> CHRIS: DO YOU THINK IT ISGOING TO BE TAYLOR SWIFT GIVING

CHRISTMAS PRESENTS.

I THINK THAT WOULD BE ADROABLE.

LET'S FIND OUT.

>> SO CUTE.

SO CUTE.

>> CHRIS: IS THAT A CHICK-FIL-ACOMMERCIAL?

LAST ONE, THIS SULEN LITTLEGIRL, CREEPY OR --

OH, WHAT'S GOING ON, NIKKIGLASER.

>> CUTE.

>> CHRIS: LET'S FIND OUT.

ADORABLE.

>> THAT'S SO CUTE.

THAT'S CUTE.

AS WE JUMP TO OUR NEXT GAME --

2015 PREDICTIONS.

2015 PREDICTIONS.

2014 WAS A WHIRLWIND OF AYEAR.

WE STARTED OUR SHOW, BASICALLY,THERE WERE QUARRENTINES,

THERE WERE NAKED PICTURES OFCELEBRITIES, SETH ROGEN AND

JAMES FRANCO ALMOST INCITEDTHE NEXT NUCLEAR WINTER.

HOW COULD 2015 POSSIBLY STOPTHAT?

YOU TELL ME, COMEDIANS! I WANTYOU TO COME UP WITH AS MANY

PREDICTIONS FOR THIS YEAR AS YOUCAN.

LET'S PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK AND BEGIN.

NIKKI.

>> BRUCE JENNER WILLCOMPLETE HIS TRANSITION INTO

A GLAMOROUS SCARE CROW.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

JON DALY.

>> JOHNNY DEPP WILL CONSUMMATEHIS RELATIONSHIP WITH

MARILYN MANSON.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

RON FUNCHES.

>> E BOLLA 2: JUDGEMENT DAY.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

RON FUNCHES.

>> MEDICINAL HEROIN.

>> CHRIS: I GET THESE -- I GOTTHESE STIFF JOINTS.

NIKKI GLASER.

>> MISSOURI LEGALALIZESGAY MARRIAGE, BUT JUST TO

PISS OFF THE PARENTS.

>> CHRIS: ALL RIGHT, POINTS.

JON DALY.

>> THE UBER MURDERS OF 2015.

>> CHRIS: RON FUNCHES.

>> UNDATABLE IS THE NUMBER ONENEW COMEDY IN THE WORLD.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> CHRIS: I SAID PREDICTION, INTHE FANTASIES.

POINTS. NIKKI GLASER.

>> A RICH OLD WHITE MANMAKES MAY BIRTH CONTROL MORE

EXPENSIVE.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

>> TOO REAL?

YEAH.

TOO REAL.

>> CHRIS: JON DALY.

>> BOY HOOD 2: BOY HOODER.

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS. -- BOYHOODER.