CC Presents: John Heffron

  • Season 11, Ep 2
  • 01/11/2007

AND I LIKE TO GO TO BARS AND STUFF.

BUT NO OFFENSE TO YOU YOUNG GUYS IN YOUR EARLY '20s,

I CAN'T GO TO BARSWHERE YOU ARE, YOU KNOW?

IF I WALK INTO A BAR AND SEE THE WORDS ABERCROMBIE TWICE, I'VE MADE A WRONG DECISION.

I'LL TELL YOU THIS, MY YOUNG FRIENDS,

I'M NOT MAKING FUN OF YOU.

I GET IF YOU'RE IN YOUR EARLY '20s YOU ALREADY KNOW

EVERYTHING ABOUT WOMEN, RIGHT? I MEAN, YOU WERE AT PROM, WHAT,

TWO YEARS AGO? REMEMBER THAT? YOU DANCED WITH HER

THEN YOU STARTED TO GET A LITTLE CHUB AND YOU HAD TO BACK AWAY FROM HER.

[LAUGHTER]

BIGGEST MISTAKE YOU YOUNG GUYS MAKE AT BARS IS THIS--

YOU GO AFTER GIRLS YOUR OWN AGE.

YOU GO AFTER GIRLS THAT ARE,LIKE, 21, 22 YEARS OLD.

I'M TELLING YOU, FELLAS, YOU'RE WASTING YOUR TIME. TWENTY-TWO YEAR OLD GIRL,

EVEN IF SHE KNOWS SHE'S GONNA GIVE IT UP TO YOU,

IS STILL GONNA MAKE YOU WAIT TILL, LIKE, 3:00 OR 4:00AM.

THAT'S WHY YOU YOUNGER GUYS NEED TO GO AFTER OLDER WOMEN.

RIGHT? I'M--

- [WOMEN CHEERING] - SEE?

I'M NOT SAYING OLDER WOMEN ARE SLUTTIER.

I'M JUST SAYING AN OLDER WOMANISN'T GONNA MAKE YOU WAIT

TILL 3:00AM 'CAUSE SHE'S GOT [BLEEP] TO DO THE NEXT DAY.

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

SHE'LL PROBABLY HAVE YOU DONE BY TEN.

SHE'S GOT A MEETING TO GET UP FOR.

HECK, IF SHE HAS KIDS YOU MIGHT GET TO LEAVE

WITH ONE OF THOSE COOL LUNCHABLE BOXES.

GET YOURSELF A LITTLE SNACK PACK FOR ALL THE

- WORK YOU PUT IN. - [LAUGHTER]

YOU'VE NEVER HAD A CRAZY NIGHT OF SEX

TILL YOU WERE DRIVING AWAY DRINKING OUT OF A JUICE BOX.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU GET HOME YOUR ROOMMATES, LIKE, HEY, HOW WAS SHE?

PHPLT! HERE'S THE FRUIT ROLL-UP, DUDE.

- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] - THAT'S HOW SHE WAS.

CLAP IF YOU GREW UP THE OLDEST PERSON IF YOUR FAMILY,

THE BIG BROTHER OR THE BIG SISTER.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

CLAP IF YOUGREW UP THE YOUNGEST,IF YOU GREW UP THE BABY.

- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] - ALL RIGHT.

I'D ASK ABOUT THE MIDDLE KID BUTNO ONE CARED ABOUT YOU ANYWAY.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU'RE ADULTS, GET OVER IT, DUDE. AH.

I GREW UP THE OLDEST. I FEEL SORRY FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO GREW UP THE YOUNGEST.

THOSE OF YOU GREW UP THE BABIES IN YOUR HOUSE,

YOU GUYS GOT PUSHED DOWN A LOT, MAYBE SOMEBODY DID THAT TO YOU.

OR MAYBE YOU WERE FOLDED UP INTO THE FOLD-UP COUCH.

YOU KNOW? WHERE'S YOUR BROTHER?

I DON'T KNOW. WHY DON'T YOU TAKE A SEAT, MA?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU LOOK PRETTY TIRED. WHY DON'T YOU LAY DOWN FOR A SECOND?

THAT'S WHY I DON'T CARE HOW BIG YOU TURNED OUT AS AN ADULT,

IF YOU GREW UPTHE BABY IN YOUR HOUSE,YOU'RE REALLY FLINTCHY.

LIKE, IF ANYBODYMOVES TOO QUICK AT YOU,

YOU'RE LIKE HEY-- WHOA. WHOA.

WHAT'S IN YOUR HAND? SHOW ME WHAT'S IN YOUR HAND.

I'M NOT WALKING OVER YOU. I'M NOT WALKIN'--

IS THAT WATER? I CAN'T GET WET. I'LL GET AN EAR INFECTION. SO--

THOSE OF YOU WHO GREW UP THE BABIES, THOUGH,

YOU GUYS ARE PRETTY SMART 'CAUSE YOU DID THINGS

TO YOUR OLDER BROTHERS OR SISTERS TO GET THEM IN TROUBLE.

THEN IF THEY WEREIN TROUBLE OR GROUNDED,

THEN THEY COULDN'T DO ANYTHING TO YOU. IT WAS GENIUS, RIGHT?

HERE'S WHAT MY LITTLE BROTHER WOULD DO.

NO MATTER WHAT WE WERE DOING TO HIM, HE'D ALWAYS JUST YELL,

- "I CAN'T BREATHE!" - [LAUGHTER]

LIKE, NO MATTER WHAT, HE'S GOING, "I CAN'T BREATHE!"

LIKE, I COULD BEHOLDING ON TO HIS ANKLE. "I CAN'T BREATHE."

[LAUGHTER]

SO MY DAD WOULD USUALLYGROUND THE KID

CLOSEST TO THE KID CRYING.

IT WAS A SUCK SYSTEM. RIGHT?

SO TO PROTEST MY GROUNDEDNESS--

IF THAT'S A WORD, I DON'T EVEN KNOW--

I WOULD CLOSE MY BEDROOM DOOR.

YOU KNOW THAT LITTLE TWANGYDOOR JAMMY THINGIE THAT YOU HAVE

ON THE BOTTOM OF YOUR DOOR? I WOULD LAY THERE AND FLICK IT,

- ALL DAY. - [TWANGING NOISES]

MY DAD'S LIKE "KNOCK IT OFF IN THERE!!"

- [TWANGING CONTINUES] - [LAUGHTER]

WHAT'RE YOU GONNA DO, GROUND ME? I'M ALREADY GROUNDED.

[TWANGING]

WHY'D I GET IN MY ROOM AND THINK ABOUT WHAT I'VE DONE?

[TWANGING NOISES]

OUR CAT HAS HER PAW IN THERE TRYING TO--

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

MY LITTLE BROTHER WOULD COME STICK HIS FINGERS

UNDERNEATH THE DOOR."I GOT YOU IN TROUBLE!"

GRAB A HOLD OF HIS FINGERS."OH! I CAN'T BREATHE!"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

BUT MINE SUCKED BECAUSE MY DAD PUT IT TOGETHER FOR US.

AND EVERY TIME WE SWUNG ON IT,

ONE POLE WOULD COME RIGHT OUT OF THE GRASS

'CAUSE YOUR DAD DID SUCH A CRAP JOB CEMENTING IT IN.

YOU'D ACTUALLY SWING ON IT,THEN SEE THE SWING-SET ABOVE YA.

BEES AND WASPS WOULD ALWAYS COME OUT OF THAT TOP TUBE.

[LAUGHTER]

DAD'S ALWAYS AT A GAS STATION RECENTLY, RIGHT?

WHERE I'M GETTING GAS, THIS DAD PULLS UP.

AND YOU CAN TELL THE GUY'S ON VACATION'CAUSE HE'S GOT

ALL THESE BIG DAD VEINSPOPPING OUT OF HIS FACE.

YOU KNOW THE POOR GUY THE NIGHT BEFORE WAS GOING

"YOU'RE LEAVING AT 6:00AM." AND IT WAS LIKE 11:30

BEFORE HE EVEN PULLED INAT A GAS STATION, RIGHT?

HE'S IN THIS SUV. HIS KIDS STAY IN THE FAR BACK.

ONE KID IS PLAYING A VIDEO GAME. THE OTHER KID IS

FLIPPING THROUGH SATELLITE TV.AND THE WHOLE TIME I'M THINKING,

"CAN YOU IMAGINE WHAT IT WOULD BE LIKE

"TRAVELING WITH YOUR OWN FAMILY IN THAT SITUATION?

"COULD YOU IMAGINE BEING SO FAR BACK FROM YOUR DAD

THAT HE COULDN'T SMACK YOU AT ANY GIVEN TIME?"

I HOPE KIDS ARE JUST TAUNTING THEIR DADS FROM BACK THERE.

"HEY, DAD! WE JUST SPILLED SOMETHING!"

DON'T WORRY. HE'S NOT COMING BACK HERE.

HE DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO OPERATETHE SEATS IN FRONT OF US.

WE'RE GOOD. WE'RE GOOD.LOOK AT THE HEADREST.

IT'S STILL FACING THE WRONG WAY. HE HAS NO IDEA.

CAR COMPANIES SHOULD MAKE A HAND THAT GOES ON THE SEAT

IN FRONT OF THE KID THAT JUST GOES LIKE THAT.

DAD COULD HAVE A LITTLE BUDDY HIT-- PA-PA-PA-PA-PA! WHAT?

DO YOU REALIZE THERE'S GONNA BE A GENERATION OF KIDS GOING,

"I HAD A WONDERFUL TIME TRAVELING WITH MY FAMILY."

DID YA, IN THE SUV. HUH. THAT'S 'CAUSE YOU NEVER HAD TO SIT

IN THE "BACKSEAT MIDDLE HUMP SUCK SEAT" FOR 1500 MILES!

REMEMBER THAT? THAT WAS BACK WHEN YOUR PARENTS

COULD GIVE A CRAP ABOUT CHILD SAFETY.

"HEY, DAD, CAN WE LAY UPIN THE BACK SHELF HERE?"

"YEAH. GO AHEAD. THAT'S FINE."

"THERE'S THREE DEAD BEES UP THERE.

CAN YOU TRY TO GET THOSE OUT FOR ME?" "YEAH. OKAY. PERFECT."

AS ALL THE WINDOWS ARE UP. BOTH PARENTS SMOKING.

- BLAH! BLAH! - [LAUGHTER]

AS THEY PAINT MY ROOM WITH LEAD-BASED PAINT

AND DROP ME OFF AT THE ASBESTOS ELEMENTARY SCHOOL

- TO HANG OUT IN. - [LAUGHTER]

WHAT?

IF YOU HAVE KIDS, BRING 'EM. THEY WON'T CHARGE YOU FOR 'EM.

THAT WASN'T THE CASE WHEN I WAS GROWING UP.

APPARENTLY KIDS WERE SO EXPENSIVE

THAT WHEN YOU PULLED IN TO THE HOTEL

AND YOU'D ALL START GETTING OUT,

MY DAD WOULD START KICKING SOME OF US BACK IN.

"GET BACK IN THERE!GET BACK IN! DUCK DOWN.

DID THE FRONT DESK LADY SEE YOU?

DID YOU MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH THE FRONT DESK LADY?!"

"I'M NOT SPENDINGAN EXTRA 6 BUCKS A KID!WHAT DID I SAY?

NOW WE GOTTAWAIT FOR A SHIFT CHANGE.

PUT YOUR BROTHER IN THAT HOCKEY BAG.

I'M GONNA SNEAK HIM IN THAT WAY.

I SAW IN THIS SUV, RIGHT, YOU CAN GET THIS CAPTAIN CHAIR.

IT'S A CHAIR FOR KIDS UP TO ABOUT EIGHT, RECLINES BACK,

IT'S GOT A CUP HOLDER, AND IT HAS A LITTLE

LOMBARD MASSAGER ON IT FOR THE 8 YEAR-OLD IN YOUR LIFE

- WHO'S KIND OF STRESSED. - [LAUGHTER]

REALLY, A LOT OF 8 YEAR-OLD KIDS THAT STRESSED A LOT OF 8 YEAR-OLD KIDS

COMING HOME FROM SCHOOLWITH THEIR BACKPACKS?

YOU KNOW WHAT? THEY DON'T HAVE BACKPACKS.

THEY ALL HAVE THAT ROLLING LUGGAGE CRAP NOW.

EVERY TIME THEY GET HOMEIT LOOKS LIKE THEY'RE

CHECKING INTO A HOTEL. HI. HOW ARE YOU?

WHAT TIME DOES THE SHUTTLE LEAVE FOR SOCCER?

- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] - PERFECT. I CAN MAKE THAT.

WE GOT A LOT OF8 YEAR OLD KIDS

JUST WHIPPED COMING HOME FROM SCHOOL GOING,

"OH, MAN, MY DAY TODAY. I COULD NOT MAKE A CURSIVE 'S'

- TO SAVE MY LIFE! - [LAUGHTER]

MOM, HOW COME I DON'T HAVE ANY FRUIT ROLL-UPS ANYMORE?

[LAUGHTER, OH'S & APPLAUSE]

MAN, LOOK AT THIS.I GOT LEGOS TO PICK UP.

I THOUGHT SOMEBODY WOULD GET TO THAT WHILE I WAS GONE.

MY BIG WHEEL'S BROKE. I HAVE NO CASH TO FIX THAT.

IT JUST HAS TO MAKE IT THROUGH THE WINTER.

YOU KNOW WHAT, I'M GONNA TAKE A BATH. I NEED SOME ME-TIME.

WHY DON'T YOU PARENTS GO OUTSIDE FOR A LITTLE BIT?"

I GOT KICKED OF MY HOUSE ALL THE TIME WHEN I WAS A KID.

USUALLY, LIKE AROUND 7:00AM WHENMY DAD WOULD GET HOME FROM WORK,

HE WOULD JUST WAKE US UP. AND WE'D GO,

"WHAT'RE WE GETTING UP FOR?" AND HE'D GO,

"I HEAR IT'S GONNA BE A NICE DAY. GET OUTSIDE."

"DAD, IT'S LIKE, SEVEN!IT'S STILL DARK OUT!"

I REMEMBER WALKING TO THE DOOR,TURNING TO MY DAD GOING,

"DAD, WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO WHEN WE GET OUTSIDE?"

I'LL NEVER FORGET. HE GOES,

"I DON'T GIVE A [BLEEP]. DIG A DITCH."

- [LAUGHER AND APPLAUSE]- "OKAY."

AND YOU KNOW WHAT THOUGH? WE WENT OUTSIDE AND WE PLAYED--

AND WE PLAYED FOR 12, 13, 14 HOURS EASY.

BUT I GOTTA TELL YOU. I'M A LITTLE KID.

I'M GONE 12, 13, 14 HOURS. I DON'T REMEMBER ANYBODY

- COMING LOOKING FOR ME! - [LAUGHTER]

I'M GONE FOR 14 HOURS! NO AMBER GOES OFF!

I COME HOME. OH, MY DAD SAYS,"YOU IN FOR THE NIGHT?"

"NOPE, JUST GETTING A FLASHLIGHT.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

WELL, WHEN I GOT MARRIED-- THANK YOU.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO APPLAUSE. YOU DON'T HAVE TO APPLAUSE.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I ALWAYS GET MARRIAGE ADVICE WHEN I FIRST GOT MARRIED.

PEOPLE ALWAYS TOLD ME[WHINEY VOICE] "JUST REMEMBER--"

I DON'T KNOW WHY THEY TALK LIKE THAT, BUT IT'S WHATEVER.

THEY GO-- "MARRIAGE ISN'T A SPRINT; IT'S A MARATHON."

IT'S THE RUNNING WITH THE BULLS.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO TELL YOU PEOPLE.

YOU JUST KEEP RUNNINGAND HEAR PEOPLE GETTING

GORED BEHIND YOU AND JUST HOPE IT NEVER HAPPENS TO YOU.

I GOT TO TELL YOU THIS,

A LOT OF THINGS HAPPENED TO ME DURING MARRIAGE THAT I DIDN'T KNOW.

DID YOU GUYS KNOW THIS MY YOUNG FRIENDS IN HERE,

DID YOU KNOW WHEN YOU GET MARRIED YOUR WIFE MOVES IN WITH YOU?

[LAUGHTER]

YEAH. AND WHEN SHE MOVES IN WITH YOU,

SHE'LL MAKE YOU GET RID OFEVERYTHING YOU HAD PRIOR TO HER.

THINK OF SOMETHING THAT'S REALLY COOL AT YOUR PLACE.

NOW THINK OF IT GONE. RIGHT, LIKE THE FIRST THING

MY WIFE MADE ME GET RID OFWAS MY ROOMMATE.

- [LAUGHTER] - YEAH. I MISS ROB.

ME AND ROB HAD THE GREATEST RELATIONSHIP IN THE ENTIRE WORLD.

NEVER ONCE DID ROB EVER JUMP UP ONTO THE COUCH

AND PUT HIS TOES UNDER MY BUTT 'CAUSE THEY WERE COLD.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'D SAY, "I'M HUNGRY. YOU HUNGRY?" "YEAH."

"WHERE DO YOU WANT TO EAT?""I DON'T CARE."

AND THAT WAS THE END OF THE CONVERSATION.

DON'T GET ME WRONG, PEOPLE, I LOVE MY WIFE. BUT I MISS ROB.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND GROWING UP I THOUGHTI HAD A DUMB DAD, RIGHT,

'CAUSE MY MOM WOULD ASK THE GUY A QUESTION

AND HE WOULD JUST STARE AT HER.

HE ALMOST LOOKED LIKEHE WAS AFRAID TO TALK--

AND THEN I'D SEE HIS EYES DART TO LIKE THE DOOR,

AND YOU'RE LIKE, "THAT DUDE'S GONNA RUN FOR IT!

MY DAD IS SO DUMB, HE'S GONNA RUN 'CAUSE

HE DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO ANSWER A QUESTION!

I CAN'T HAVE FRIENDS OVER TO MEET MY DUMB DAD!"

THEN I GOT MARRIED AND WENT, "OH, OKAY. I GET IT.

GOOD PLAY, DAD, GOOD PLAY!"

'CAUSE I CAN'T ANSWER THE SIMPLE QUESTIONS, LIKE,

MY WIFE WILL GO,"I'M GOING TO THE STORE,DO YOU WANNA GO?"

- HA, HA, HA, HA. HA, HA. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HA-HA. UM...

"DO I WANNA GO TO THE STORE? I DON'T KNOW,

WHY DON'T YOU JUST TELL ME WHAT I'M SUPPOSED TO DO,

- WHY DON'T YOU...?" - [LAUGHTER]

'CAUSE I'VE ANSWERED BOTH WAYSTO THAT QUESTION

AND THEY'VE BOTH BEEN WRONG. SEE, I'VE SAID,

"YES, I WILL GO TO THE STORE WITH YOU."

"THEN I GET, "FINE, BUT THIS IS MY TRIP.

"CAN YOU NOT HOVER OVER ME THE ENTIRE TIME?

"THERE'S THINGS I NEED TO LOOK AT

AND I DON'T WANTTO FEEL RUSHED."

"OKAY, THEN, YOU KNOW WHAT, I'M GONNA STAY HOME."

"FINE, I'LL GO BY MYSELF. HOPE NOTHING HAPPENS TO ME."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SO I WENT TO THE STORE WITH MY WIFE--

YOU HAVE TO 'CAUSE YOU HAVE TO PUSH THE CART.

AND I WENT TO THE STORE WITH MY WIFE 'CAUSE WE GOT

A GIFT CARD FROM OUR WEDDING AND I WENT WITH HER THINKING

I COULD HELPSPEND SOME OF THE MONEY ON THE GIFT CARD.

HA-HA. ROOKIE MOVE. ROOKIE MOVE.

APPARENTLY, MY NAME WAS JUSTON THERE FOR DECORATION. OKAY?

SO, WE STOP OFF AT THE STORE AND MY WIFE STARTS PICKING OUT

MARBLES TO GO IN A VASE.

WHY NOT, RIGHT?

THEN SHE STARTS ASKING ME WHAT COLOR MARBLES WE SHOULD GET.

RIGHT NOW, ALL I'M THINKING IS,"WONDER WHAT ROB'S DOING?

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS, WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

"I BET YOU HE'S DOING SOMETHING KICKASS RIGHT NOW.

"HE'S PROBABLY WALKING AROUND HIS HOUSE WITH HIS SHOES ON.

HE PROBABLY DROPPEDSOMETHING AND LEFT IT."

AND THE RUG WE GOTI HAVE TO CARRY IN FROM THE CAR.

AND THEN SHE GAVE ME SOME PLATE

THAT I HAD TO RUN NEXT DOOR TO OUR NEIGHBOR'S.

BECAUSE THAT'S WHATHAPPENS TO YOU, FELLAS.

ONCE YOU GET MARRIED, WHATEVER YOUR PROFESSION IS,

YOU OPEN UP A SECOND BUSINESS,

WHICH IS A SMALL SHIPPING SERVICE.

AND YOUR TERRITORY IS YOUR HOUSE

AND YOU'RE ON CALL 24/7.YOU JUST PRETTY MUCH

SIT AROUND ON THE COUCH WAITING FOR DISPATCH TO LET YOU KNOW

- IT'S TIME TO ROLL. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"THERE'S SOMETHING UPSTAIRS I NEED BROUGHT DOWNSTAIRS."

"OKAY. ALL RIGHT. I'M ON IT."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

YOU'LL BE IN THE EMPLOYEE CAFETERIA EATING.

"CAN YOU PUT THIS UP IN THE CLOSET FOR ME?" "YES, I'M ON IT."

"I JUST SET THAT STUFF ON THE STEPS.

"HOW MANY TIMES YOU GONNA STEP OVER THAT BEFORE YOU TAKE THAT UPSTAIRS?"

"HEY, A LITTLE BACKED UP RIGHT NOW, LADY!

"ANYTHING ON THE STEPS IS 5 TO 7 BUSINESS DAYS, GOT IT?!

I'M A ONE-MAN OPERATION!"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"I'VE GOTTA CALL MY UNION REP.NOBODY WORKS THIS HARD."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WHICH WAS WEIRD'CAUSE I'M LIKE,

"BUT WE'RE MARRIED,

"I THOUGHTWE WERE DONE WITH THAT.

I THOUGHT WE DID THE THING THAT WILL END ALL THIS TALK."

I THINK I WAS MISINFORMED. THAT'S LIKE

DECLARING BANKRUPTCYAND STILL HAVING BILLS,

- LIKE, YOU KNOW, RIGHT? - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SO, WE'VE BEEN GOING TO COUNSELING,

AND BY THE WAY, FELLAS, YOU EVER GO TO COUNSELING,

MAY I URGE YOU TO LIETHE ENTIRE TIME YOU'RE IN THERE.

AND THAT'S ALL I'LL SAY ABOUT THAT.

NOTHING BENEFITS YOU FROM TELLING THE TRUTH EVER.

IF YOU GET ONE THING OUT OF THIS SPECIAL, THAT'S IT.

SO HERE'S WHAT MY WIFE SAID. MY WIFE SAID SHE GOES,

"JOHN, IT FEELS LIKE YOU'RE NOT INTERESTED IN MY LIFE.

"I TELL YOU STORIES ABOUT THINGS THAT HAPPEN TO ME

"THROUGHOUT THE DAY AND IT SEEMSLIKE YOU'RE JUST NOT INTERESTED.

"AND I CAN SEE YOU PHYSICALLY LEAVING YOUR BODY WHEN I'M TELLING YOU A STORY

"AND I HANG ONEVERY WORD THAT YOU SAY,

BUT YOU MAKE ME FEEL AS IF YOU DON'T CARE."

OKAY, LADIES, LET ME-- I DON'T KNOW HOW TO PUT THIS.

WE'RE INTO YOUR STORIES. OKAY?

BUT YOU NEED TO MAKE THEM SHORTER.

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

I DON'T KNOW HOW ELSE TO TELL YOU.

LADIES, YOU GOTTA FIGURE YOUR GUY'S GOT ABOUT A GOOD MINUTE-TEN LISTENING TIME.

SO WITH THAT, YOU GOTTA WORK WITH THAT TIME CONSTRAINT.

AND YOU NEED TO FRONT LOAD THE CONVERSATION

WITH ALL THE IMPORTANTINFO AND FACTS YOU THINKHE NEEDS TO KNOW, RIGHT?

MINUTE-TEN. HERE'S A GOOD RULE OF THUMB:

TALK TO YOUR GUY AS IF YOUR CELL PHONE'S ABOUT TO DIE.

YOU HEAR IT CHIRPING, RIGHT, MINUTE-TEN.

"DINNER, TUESDAY, 8:30, YOU'RE GOING."

- GREAT STORY.- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THAT WAS A GOOD STORY.

BUT THAT'S NOT WHAT MY WIFE DOES.

WHAT MY WIFE DOES IS, REMEMBER MY FRIEND,SARA, FROM HIGH SCHOOL?

I TOLD YOU ABOUT HER, RIGHT? SHE WAS A LITTLE BIT HEAVY,

BUT NOW SHE'S LOST WEIGHT. SHE LOOKS REALLY GOOD.

LET'S GO TO HER WEBPAGE, I'LL SHOW YOU A PICTURE OF HER.

THAT'S HER WITH HER BROTHER. I WENT TO PROM WITH HIM.

DON'T BE A DICKIF YOU MEET HIM.

ANYWAY THEY'RE COMING IN MONDAY OR TUESDAY,

WE'RE GONNA HAVE JUST A GIRL DAY AND THEN WE'RE GONNA--

ARE YOU LISTENING? HELLO? HELLO?

YEAH, I'M GOING TO PROM WITH SOME GUY ON TUESDAY?

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS, WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW.

WITH THIS THINGAND IT'S GONNA HELP ALLOF YOUR RELATIONSHIPS.

AND YOU CAN EMAIL ME AND LET ME KNOW HOW IT WORKED OUT FOR YOU.

LADIES, DO THIS,TALK TO YOUR GUY AT HOME

IF YOU'RE HAVING, NOT PROBLEMS,

BUT IF YOU FEEL LIKE YOU'RE NOT GETTING THROUGH TO HIM.

IF IT FEELS LIKE YOU'RE SAYING THE SAME THING

OVER AND OVER AGAIN AND HE'S NOT PAYING ATTENTION.

IT'S PROBABLY BECAUSE YOU'RE SAYING THE SAME THING

OVER AND OVER AGAIN. BUT IF YOU REALLY WANT TO CUT THROUGH DOWN

TO THE NITTY GRITTY, YOU HAVE TO TALK YOUR GUY

AS IF YOU WERE HIS MALE ROOMMATE.

DON'T BE A WIFE, DON'T BE A GIRLFRIEND.

TALK TO HIM AS IF YOU'RE HIS MALE ROOMMATE.

IF YOU WANT DISHES DONE, DON'T COME HOME FROM WORK

AND GO, "OH, YOUSAVED THE DISHES FOR ME. WHAT'S THAT, MY JOB?

"YOU KNOW I LIKE TO COME HOME TO A CLEAN HOUSE EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE.

I KNOW YOUR MOM NEVER TAUGHT YOU HOW TO WORK A SPONGE--"

BLAH, BLAH, BLAH! ROB, ROB, ROB, ROB!

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU WANT YOUR DISHES DONE?

TALK TO HIM AS IF YOU WERE HIS MALE ROOMMATE.

COME HOME FROM WORK AND GO, "HEY, DO THE DISHES, DICK!"

- AND WALK AWAY.- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THE KEY IS TO WALK AWAY.

DON'T KEEP JIB-JABBING WITH HIM! WALK AWAY. I GUARANTEE YOU,

YOUR GUY WILL GET UP AND GO,

"WHO THE HELLARE YOU CALLING A DICK?"

AS HE WALKS RIGHT TO THE KITCHEN.

THANK YOU SO MUCH GUYS!

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