Comedy Central Presents
Season 9

CC Presents: Jimmy Carr

  • Season 9, Ep 3
  • 01/13/2005

Jimmy Carr: OH, COME NOW.

WELL, THANK YOU VERY MUCH

INDEED.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

I'M JIMMY CARR.

WE'LL MOVE ON, SHALL WE?

[LAUGHTER]

I SHOULD WARN YOU, LADIES AND

GENTLEMEN BEFORE I GET STARTED

THAT IN MY SHOW THERE IS A

CERTAIN AMOUNT OF BAD LANGUAGE.

I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT SPLIT

INFINITIVES.

THERE IS SOME SWEARING.

AND THERE IS SOME MATERIAL OF

A SEXUAL NATURE.

SO IF YOU ARE OFFENDED BY RUDE

OR CRUDE MATERIAL FOR HEAVEN'S

SAKE, DON'T BE A [BLEEP] ABOUT

IT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

NOW SOME OF YOU MAY BE HAVING

DIFFICULTY WITH MY ACCENT.

OF COURSE TECHNICALLY I DON'T

HAVE AN ACCENT.

I'M ENGLISH.

THIS IS JUST HOW THINGS SOUND

WHEN THEY'RE PRONOUNCED

PROPERLY.

[LAUGHTER]

MY GIRLFRIEND SAID YOU WANTED ME

TO TEASE HER.

I SAID, "ALL RIGHT FATTY."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SHE SAT ME DOWN RECENTLY FOR ONE

OF THOSE SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP

CONVERSATIONS WHERE SHE TALKED

AT ME FOR ABOUT SIX HOURS.

I HADN'T REALIZED UNTIL THEN

THAT WHEN A MAN SAYS HE IS

"SPOKEN FOR", THAT IS QUITE

LITERALLY WHAT HE MEANS.

[LAUGHTER]

AND SHE SAID TO ME, SHE SAID,

"JIMMY, WE'RE AT A CROSSROADS

IN OUR RELATIONSHIP.

DOWN ONE ROAD IS HARD WORK AND

COMMITMENT, BUT ULTIMATELY

HAPPINESS.

AND DOWN THE OTHER ROAD, WELL

THE OTHER ROAD IS A DEAD END."

AND I SAID, "THAT'S NOT A

CROSSROADS, THAT'S A

T JUNCTION."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WELL, I'M GLAD YOU LAUGH.

SHE WENT [BLEEP] MENTAL.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

I WAS DOING A SHOW A COUPLE OF

WEEKS AGO.

I GOT TALKING TO A GIRL IN THE

FRONT ROW.

I ASKED HER HER NAME.

SHE SAID, "IT'S PATACKA."

I SAID, "THAT'S AN UNUSUAL NAME.

YOU DON'T HEAR THAT EVERYDAY."

TO WHICH SHE REPLIED, "ACTUALLY

I DO."

[LAUGHTER]

[APPLAUSE]

I ASKED HER WHERE SHE WAS FROM.

SHE SAID, "I'M FROM OUTSIDE

NEW YORK."

I SAID, "REALLY?

SO AM I."

[LAUGHTER]

"WHAT PART OF NEW YORK AREN'T

YOU FROM?"

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

AT WHAT STAGE-- AND I'M REALLY

ASKING THE MEN IN THE ROOM WHEN

I ASK THIS-- AT WHAT STAGE DO

YOU GET PARANOID ABOUT RECEIVING

"ENLARGE YOUR PENIS" EMAILS?

[LAUGHTER]

I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE GETTING

THEM AM I?

IT'S JUST I'M CURRENTLY GETTING

ABOUT TEN A DAY.

EIGHT OF THEM ARE FROM MY

GIRLFRIEND.

[LAUGHTER]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

IT'S THE TWO FROM MY MUM THAT

REALLY HURT.

[LAUGHTER]

NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU GIVE A

HOMELESS PERSON FOR A CUP OF TEA

YOU NEVER GET THAT TEA.

[LAUGHTER]

THROWING ACID IS WRONG...

IN SOME PEOPLE'S EYES.

[LAUGHTER]

SWIMMING IS GOOD FOR YOU...

SPECIALLY IF YOU'RE DROWNING.

[LAUGHTER]

OH YES, NOT ONLY DID I GET A

CARDIOVASCULAR WORKOUT, I ALSO

DIDN'T DIE.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

MY FATHER USED TO SAY,

"WHATEVER DOESN'T KILL YOU,

MAKES YOU STRONGER."

TILL THE ACCIDENT.

[LAUGHTER]

PEOPLE SAY MODERN ART IS

PRETENTIOUS.

BUT I LOOK AT IT LIKE THIS.

[LAUGHTER]

I WENT UP TO THE AIRPORT

INFORMATION DESK.

I SAID, "HOW MANY AIRPORTS ARE

THERE IN THE WORLD?"

[LAUGHTER]

IT'S ALL VERY WELL GOING ON A

ROUND THE WORLD TRIP ON YOUR

VACATION.

WHERE YOU GONNA GO NEXT YEAR?

[LAUGHTER]

I BOUGHT ONE OF THOSE ROUND

THE WORLD TICKETS.

$1,200 AMAZING VALUE.

37 HOURS LATER I ARRIVE BACK.

[LAUGHTER]

MY FAVORITE NEWS STORY OF

THE LAST YEAR WAS A STORY

CONCERNING A HIKER, A RAMBLING

OUTDOORSMAN FROM AUSTRALIA.

AND HE WAS WALKING IN THE

OUTBACK OF AUSTRALIA,

THE DESSERTS.

AND THERE WAS A ROCK FALL.

AND HIS HAND WAS TRAPPED

UNDERNEATH THE BOULDER.

AND HE HAD TO SEVER HIS OWN HAND

WITH A KNIFE IN ORDER TO WALK TO

FREEDOM.

INCREDIBLE STORY OF HUMAN

COURAGE AND SPIRIT AND WHAT

IT IS TO BE A MAN.

AND I CAN'T BELIEVE ANYONE

SAW THAT STORY AND DIDN'T ASK

THEMSELVES THE QUESTION,

WOULD I BE ABLE TO DO THAT?

WELL, I'VE GIVEN IT QUITE A LOT

OF THOUGHT AND I THINK, YES

I WOULD BE ABLE TO DO THAT.

WHAT DO I CARE ABOUT AN

AUSTRALIAN'S HAND?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THE OTHER AMAZING STORY IN

THE NEWSPAPERS LAST YEAR WAS

NOT QUITE AS INSPIRING.

BUT IT WAS THE STORY OF

AN ENGLISH WOMAN AND AN AMERICAN

MAN FLYING FROM JFK TO LONDON

HEATHROW AND THEY'D NEVER

MET EACH OTHER BEFORE.

FLYING IN FIRST CLASS AND

THEY WERE ARRESTED AS THEY CAME

INTO LAND AT LONDON HEATHROW.

AND THE REASON THEY WERE

ARRESTED IS BECAUSE THE LADY WAS

FELATING THE MAN.

IT MEANS [BLEEP] OFF.

[LAUGHTER]

YES, AS THEY CAME INTO LAND,

THE LADY WAS FELATING THE MAN.

I MYSELF PREFER HARD CANDY.

[LAUGHTER]

I JUST CAN'T QUITE IMAGINE

HOW THAT HAPPENED.

PRESUMABLY AT SOME POINT IN

THE FLIGHT SHE TURNED TO HIM

AND SAID, "MY EARS ARE POPPING.

HAVE YOU GOT ANY HARD CANDY?"

AND HE SAID, "NO, NO I HAVEN'T.

BUT I'VE GOT AN IDEA."

[LAUGHTER, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

NOW I'M NOT SURE IF YOU'RE AWARE

OF THIS LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

BUT IT'S BEEN TORNADO SEASON

RECENTLY.

AND I SAW A COUPLE BEING

INTERVIEWED ON CNN.

AND THE REASON THEY WERE BEING

INTERVIEWED IS BECAUSE EVEN

THOUGH A TORNADO WAS COMING

TOWARDS THEIR HOUSE,

THEY REFUSED TO MOVE.

EVEN THOUGH THEIR HOUSE WAS ON

WHEELS.

[LAUGHTER]

AND THEY WERE BEING INTERVIEWED

BY THIS VERY NICE ANCHORMAN ON

CNN AND HE HAD HIS ARM AROUND

HIS WIFE AND THEY SAID,

"WHY AREN'T YOU GOING?"

HE SAID, "GOD WILL PROTECT US."

AND I THOUGHT, "WHO DO YOU THINK

IS SENDING THE TORNADO?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WHEN PEOPLE SAY THEY HEAR VOICES

IN THEIR HEADS, AS OPPOSED TO

WHERE EXACTLY?

[LAUGHTER]

HEARING VOICES IN YOUR LEGS?

NOW THAT WOULD BE CRAZY.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

I LIVE QUITE NEED A REMEDIAL

SCHOOL.

THERE'S A SIGN OUTSIDE IT SAYS,

"SLOW CHILDREN."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I THOUGHT, "WELL, THAT CAN'T DO

MUCH FOR THEIR SELF-ESTEEM."

BUT LOOK ON THE POSITIVE SIDE.

OF COURSE THEY CAN'T READ IT.

[LAUGHTER]

[APPLAUSE]

NOW MEL GIBSON HAS UPSET

AN AWFUL LOT OF CHRISTIANS.

I DON'T KNOW IF WE HAVE ANY IN

THIS EVENING.

BUT HE'S UPSET AN AWFUL LOT OF

CHRISTIANS BY MAKING THIS FILM,

THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST.

AND THE REASONS HE'S UPSET THEM

IS BECAUSE MEL GIBSON'S MADE

A FILM ABOUT THE LIFE OF CHRIST.

AND HE'S TACKED ON A SILLY

HOLLYWOOD ENDING WHERE

THE HERO COMES BACK AT THE END.

[LAUGHTER]

IF WE'RE ALL GOD'S CHILDREN,

WHAT'S SO SPECIAL ABOUT JESUS?

[LAUGHTER]

IF YOU EAT A LOT OF SPICY FOOD

YOU CAN DAMAGE YOUR SENSE OF

TASTE.

WHEN I WAS IN MEXICO LAST YEAR,

I WAS LISTENING TO A LOT OF

MICHAEL BOLTON.

[LAUGHTER]

[APPLAUSE]

STING, THE POPULAR SINGER.

STING'S OFTEN BRAGGING ABOUT

HIS 8-HOUR NIGHT SEX SESSIONS

WITH HIS WIFE TRUDY.

IMAGINE HOW LONG HE COULD KEEP

IT UP IF SHE WAS A LOOKER.

[AUDIENCE GROANS]

[SCATTERED APPLAUSE]

DOES ANYONE IN HERE LISTEN TO

HIP-HOP MUSIC?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

RIGHT, I'VE GOT A QUESTION FOR

YOU.

WHEN THEY SAY IN HIP-HOP SONGS

AS THEY INVARIABLY DO,

"PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR,

LIKE YOU JUST DON'T CARE."

SURELY A BETTER EXAMPLE OF

APATHY WOULD BE NOT TO BOTHER.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

NOW WOMEN REACH THEIR SEXUAL

PEAK AFTER 35 YEARS.

MEN REACH THEIRS AFTER ABOUT

FOUR MINUTES.

[LAUGHTER]

WHICH IS I THINK, WHY WE GET

MORE DONE.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

NOW WHEN I USED TO HAVE A JOB,

WHEN I HAD A PROPER 9-5 JOB,

I WAS ALWAYS VERY JEALOUS OF

THE WOMEN THAT I WORKED WITH

BECAUSE THEY HAD THE BEST EXCUSE

FOR TAKING A DAY OFF SICK.

WE ALL LIKE TAKING A DAY OFF

SICK ONCE IN A WHILE, DON'T WE?

AND WOMEN HAVE THE BEST EXCUSE.

IT IS OF COURSE "WOMEN'S

PROBLEMS."

AND THE REASON WOMEN'S PROBLEMS

IS SUCH A GOOD EXCUSE IS BECAUSE

"WOMEN'S PROBLEMS" IS THE END OF

CONVERSATION.

[LAUGHTER]

"WHY DIDN'T YOU COME IN

YESTERDAY?"

"WOMEN'S PROBLEMS."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I LIKE TO THINK IF I WAS THE

BOSS, THINGS WOULD BE RATHER

DIFFERENT.

"WOMEN'S PROBLEMS."

"HMM, BREASTS OR GENITALS?"

[LAUGHTER]

"MAYBE I COULD HAVE A LOOK."

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

FEMINISTS SAY, AND YOU MAY AGREE

WITH THIS YOU MAY NOT.

FEMINISTS SAY A WOMAN'S WORK

IS NEVER DONE.

MAYBE.

IF THEY GOT THEMSELVES ORGANIZED

IT WOULD BE BETTER.

[LAUGHTER]

OH.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

THAT'S A BIT OF AN ICY STARE

YOU'RE GIVING ME THERE, MADAM.

WHAT YOU'VE GOT TO UNDERSTAND

IS THAT'S POST-MODERN MISOGYNY.

THAT JOKE IS IN FACT STEEPED

IN IRONY.

SO DON'T YOU WORRY YOUR PRETTY

LITTLE HEAD ABOUT IT, LOVE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I WAS FILLING IN A

QUESTIONNAIRE.

IT SAID WHO WOULD YOU MOST LIKE

TO SLEEP WITH, ANYONE LIVING OR

DEAD?

I PUT "ANYONE LIVING".

[LAUGHTER]

LADIES, IF YOU GET A BURNING

SENSATION WHEN YOU PEE...

[LAUGHTER]

IT COULD BE ONE OF THREE THINGS.

IT COULD BE A URINARY TRACT

INFECTION.

COULD BE A BUSH FIRE.

[LAUGHTER]

OR IT COULD BE SOMEONE'S TALKING

ABOUT YOUR VAGINA.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

MY GIRLF

AT THE MOMENT.

IT'S ONE OF THESE SORT OF

NEW AGE THINGS.

IT'S CALLED "WOMEN THAT LOVE

TOO MUCH".

WHICH I THINK COULD HAVE THE

TITLE SHORTENED TO "SLUTS".

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

MY GIRLFRIEND SAID, "HAVE YOU

BEEN HAVING SEX BEHIND MY BACK?"

[LAUGHTER]

I SAID, "WHO DID YOU THINK IT

WAS?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND BY THE WAY IT WOULDN'T

KILL YOU TO LOOK AROUND ONCE

IN A WHILE, CHECK HOW I'M DOING.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

I WAS READING IN JUGS MAGAZINE

A VERY INTERESTING AND

INFORMATIVE ARTICLE.

IT WAS ABOUT THE DIFFICULTIES OF

ASKING YOUR PARTNER FOR ANAL

SEX.

IT WAS ENTITLED, WHAT IF SHE

TAKES IT THE WRONG WAY?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SORRY MADAM, I CAN SEE YOU'RE

SHIFTING UNCOMFORTABLY THERE.

I DIDN'T MEAN TO OFFEND YOU.

I'M SURE WHATEVER YOU DECIDE

ABOUT ANAL SEX, I'M SURE HE'LL

BE RIGHT BEHIND YOU.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I CAN'T HELP BUT NOTICE SIR,

YOU'VE GOT A BALD HEAD.

I'M NOT BREAKING THAT TO YOU.

YOU KNEW THAT, RIGHT?

[LAUGHTER]

DO YOU READ "NEW SCIENTIST"

MAGAZINE BY ANY CHANCE?

>> I DO.

Jimmy Carr: YOU DO READ IT.

DID YOU SEE IT LAST JANUARY?

>> NO.

Jimmy Carr: THEY HAD A VERY

INTERESTING ARTICLE.

IT WAS ABOUT "WHY MEN GO BALD".

>> WHY?

Jimmy Carr: APPARENTLY IT'S

TOO MUCH MALE HORMONE.

SO MY ADVICE TO YOU IS TO STOP

SWALLOWING.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

BOXERS DON'T HAVE SEX BEFORE

A FIGHT.

DO YOU KNOW WHY THAT IS?

THEY DON'T FANCY EACH OTHER.

[LAUGHTER]

THE REASON OLD MEN USE VIAGRA IS

NOT BECAUSE THEY'RE IMPOTENT.

IT'S BECAUSE OLD WOMEN ARE SO

VERY UGLY.

[LAUGHTER]

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE SEEN THIS

BUT THE COMPANY THAT MAKES

VIAGRA, THEY'RE NOW MAKING THIS

NEW INHALER THAT THEY SAY WILL

GIVE A MAN AN ERECTION WITHIN

30 SECONDS.

CORRECT ME IF I'M WRONG.

THAT'S A [BLEEP] JOB.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I REMEMBER BEFORE J-LO, BEFORE

THE TERM "GHETTO BOOTIE"...

[LAUGHTER]

WHEN WE USED TO JUST CALL IT A

FAT ASS.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

YOU KNOW THAT QUESTION YOU GET

ASKED, AND I'M SURE ALL THE MEN

WILL RECOGNIZE THIS.

YOU GET ASKED OCCASIONALLY,

"DOES MY BUM LOOK BIG IN THIS"

BY YOUR PARTNER.

I'VE DISCOVERED THE WORSE THING

YOU CAN SAY IS NOT "YES."

THE WORST THING YOU CAN SAY WHEN

YOU'RE ASKED, "DOES MY BUM LOOK

BIG IN THIS?"

IS, "LET ME STEP BACK, GET IT

ALL IN."

[LAUGHTER]

MY GIRLFRIEND USED TO GET UPSET

BECAUSE I LEFT THE TOILET SEAT

UP.

SO I DON'T DO THAT ANYMORE.

PUT IT DOWN.

BUT THERE'S NO WINNING WITH HER.

NOW SHE GETS ANNOYED 'CAUSE IT'S

COVERED IN PISS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ASKED TO DO

THE DISHES?

AND YOU'VE DONE A REALLY BAD JOB

JUST SO YOU DON'T GET ASKED

AGAIN?

[LAUGHTER]

MY GIRLFRIEND DOES THE SAME

THING WITH [BLEEP].

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'VE GOT A FRIEND.

HE PICKED UP TWO GIRLS LAST

WEEK.

I SAID, "THEY'RE LIKE BUSES."

HE SAID, "YEAH, YOU WAIT AGES

AND THEN TWO COME ALONG AT

ONCE."

I SAID, "NO, 'THEY' ARE LIKE

BUSES."

[LAUGHTER]

SOMEONE CAME UP TO ME AND

COMPLAINED ABOUT THAT JOKE AFTER

A SHOW LAST WEEK.

QUITE A BIG BONED GIRL.

SHE SAID, "I THINK YOU'RE

FATTEST."

I SAID, "NO, NO, NO, I THINK

YOU'RE FATTEST."

[LAUGHTER]

ANYWAY THESE MEN THAT LIKE WOMEN

WHO ARE CAN'T LEAVE THE HOUSE

FAT, THEY'RE CALLED CHUBBY

CHASERS.

I RATHER LIKE THAT TERM,

"CHUBBY CHASERS".

I JUST WONDER HOW MUCH CHASING

IS ACTUALLY GOING ON.

[LAUGHTER]

A LITTLE BIT OF WADDLING IN

WHEEZING, THEN "GOTCHA."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WELL, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

IT'S BEEN A PLEASURE TALKING

TO YOU THIS EVENING.

I DON'T HAVE MUCH TIME LEFT

BUT I WAS WONDERING WOULD YOU

BE INTERESTED IN SEEING SOME

JIMMY CARR MERCHANDISE?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WELL, EXCELLENT, GOOD.

I THINK YOU'VE MADE THE RIGHT

DECISION.

OTHERWISE WE'D BE HAVING SOME

QUITE TIME NOW.

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT I'VE GONE FOR IS THE

COMEDY T-SHIRTS.

SOME JIMMY CARR OWN-BRAND

COMEDY T-SHIRTS.

SO, I'LL SHOW YOU.

SEE WHAT YOU THINK.

THIS IS THE FIRST ONE THAT

I DESIGNED.

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

I THINK IT'S RATHER GOOD.

IT'S--

[APPLAUSE]

HUSH NOW.

HUSH AND I'LL EXPLAIN.

IT SAYS, "I'M WITH STUPID."

SO THE IDEA IS YOU WEAR IT AND

THEN THE PERSON LOOKS.

[LAUGHTER]

AND THEN ON THE BACK IT SAYS,

"THE NATIONAL ASSOCIATION OF

SPECIAL NEEDS CARERS."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THIS IS "THE CHRISTIAN ALLIANCE

AGAINST BAD LANGUAGE".

"CAN [BLEEP] OFF".

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THIS NEXT ONE THIS IS THE MOST

POPULAR T-SHIRT IN THE WORLD.

THEY'VE SOLD MORE OF THESE THAN

ANY OTHER, "JESUS LOVES YOU."

"HE'S NOT 'IN LOVE' WITH YOU."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THIS IS THE SORT OF THING YOU

MIGHT SEE DOWN IN FLORIDA.

"WORLD'S GREATEST LOVER."

"IF SPEED'S IMPORTANT TO YOU."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

ACTUALLY A COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO

I FAILED TO PERFORM SEXUALLY.

I'M NOT GONNA GO INTO DETAIL.

SUFFICE IT TO SAY I "ARRIVED"

EARLY.

AND MY GIRLFRIEND SAID, "DON'T

WORRY THAT HAPPENS TO A LOT OF

GUYS."

I SAID, "THERE'S TWO THINGS

THE MATTER WITH THAT."

"FIRSTLY, WHO ARE THESE 'A LOT

OF GUYS?'

AND SECONDLY IF IT'S HAPPENING

TO MORE THAN ONE OF US,

DON'T YOU THINK IT COULD BE

YOUR FAULT?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WELL, THIS IS THE LAST ONE.

I'LL HAVE TO LEAVE YOU WITH

THIS, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

I DON'T KNOW IF WE'VE GOT ANY

FATHERS IN.

ANYONE A DAD?

[SCATTERED APPLAUSE]

WELL, THIS ONE'S FOR YOU.

IT'S "WORLD'S BEST DAD."

"I [BLEEP] YOUR MOM."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WELL, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

I'M AFRAID THAT'S ALL I'VE GOT

TIME FOR.

YOU'VE BEEN A BRILLIANT

AUDIENCE.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH INDEED,

AND GOOD NIGHT.

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY

COMEDY CENTRAL.

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