Wednesday, January 7, 2015

  • 01/07/2015

Paul Scheer, Andy Daly and Brett Gelman learn about a Colombian fireworks factory explosion, #AddAPunRuinAPun and guess the prices of strange items listed on eBay.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S RAPID REFRESH!

A YOUTUBE VIDEO HAS BEEN BLOWINGUP, SO TO SPEAK.

AND IT MIGHT MAKE YOU THINKTWICE ABOUT THE CONFIDENCE THAT

YOU'VE PLACED IN SOUTH AMERICANFIREWORKS FACTORY SAFETY

REGULATIONS.

TAKE A LOOK.

SO, FIRST OF ALL, GREAT [BLEEP]CAMERA WORK BY THAT GUY.

HE DID NOT STOP.

HE MIGHT HAVE LOST BOTH LEGS,WE'RE NOT A HUNDRED PERCENT

SURE.

BUT THEN THIS CRAZY THINGHAPPENED IN THE MIDST OF ALL

THIS CHAOS, THEN THIS.

WHAT IS THAT?

WHAT IS HAPPENING?

WHY? WHA -- WHO?

HOW AND WHY IS THAT POOR CHILDHOBBLING AWAY FROM THE

EXPLOSION.

>> THIS IS THE BEGINNING OF LIKEA SUPERMAN MOVIE.

>> CHRIS: THIS COULD BE AMILLION THINGS EITHER WAY.

THAT KID LOOKS GUILTY AS[BLEEP].

HE OR SHE STARTED THE'SPLOSIONS.

>> HE OR SHE IS NOT CROSSING ATA CROSS WALK.

>> CHRIS: YES, THAT IS THEBIGGEST CRIME GOING ON IN SOUTH

AMERICA RIGHT NOW.

COMEDIANS, WHAT ARE SOME OTHEREXPLANATION FOR THIS FIREWORKS

TORNADO? PAUL SCHEER.

>> THIS THE START OF A BRAND-NEWCOLOMBIAN TOURISM VIDEO.

COLOMOBIA: WE'RE NOT JUST ABOUTCOCAINE, WE'RE ALSO ABOUT

FIREWORKS.

>> CHRIS: YES, ABSOLUTELY.POINTS.

ANDY DALY.

>> THAT WAS THE FIFTH ATTEMPT TOASSASSINATE THAT CHILD.

[LAUGHTER]

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

>> HE'S UNBREAKABLE.>> UNBREAKABLE.

>> CHRIS: NOW IF YOU FEEL LIKETHE AMERICAN CABLE NEWS MEDIA

DELIVERS INFORMATION WITH TOOMUCH DEPTH AND NUANCE, HEAD ON

OVER TO TAIWAN WHERE NEWS IS ANINSANE STONER'S FANTASY THANKS

TO THEIR BONKERS CG ANIMATIONSOF ONE OF OUR FAVORITE GENRES

OF INTERNET VIDEO.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE SEEN THETAIWANESE OVER THERE.

BUT HERE'S THE TAKE ON OBAMA'SIMMIGRATION POLICY.

[LAUGHTER]

NOW, WHICH ONE OF THIS GOT THISINSANE TAIWANESE TREATMENT?

A, JOHN BOEHNER GETTINGRE-ELECTED AS HOUSE SPEAKER?

B, THE FLORIDA COLLEGE FOOTBALLPLAYER WHO POOPED HIS PANTS ON

THE FIELD.

OR C, THE NEW MEXICO WOMAN WHOSNUCK A GUN INTO JAIL IN HER

VAGINA.

PAUL SCHEER.

>> I'M SAYING C BECAUSE I WANTTO SEE IT.

I WANT TO SEE --

I NEED TO SEE IT.

[APPLAUSE]

JUST LIKE A FLOATING GUN. AH!

IT'S REVERSE ALIEN.

>> FINE, THEN YOU HAVE TO PUT ONA DRESS AND GET ARRESTED IN NEW

MEXICO BECAUSE THE ANSWER ISACTUALLY B.

WELL, DON'T SAY " AW" YET.

YOU'RE ABOUT TO GET A DELIGHTFULDIGITAL TREAT THROWN AT YOU.

FOR BONUS POINTS PLEASE, GUYS,PLEASE GIVE US A LINE FROM THIS

POST-GAME INTERVIEW WITH THISUNFORTUNATE RUNNING BACK.

PAUL SCHEER.

>> I'M JUST SO EXCITED TO BE ONESTEP CLOSER TO BEING DRAFTED BY

THE CLEVELAND BROWNS.

>> CHRIS: POINTS. MM-HMM.

[APPLAUSE]

IS THIS GOING TO TAKE THE BROWNSTO THE SUPER BOWL?

[LAUGHTER]

COME ON, THAT'S AN OLD JOKE.

[APPLAUSE]

ANDY DALY.

>> YOU KNOW, I WENT OUT THEREAND LEFT IT ALL ON THE FIELD.

[APPLAUSE]

>> CHRIS: POINTS. POINTS.

IT'S NOW TIME FOR TONIGHT'SHASHTAG WARS.

SO IF YOU HAVEN'T BEEN PAYINGATTENTION, THE HASHTAG GAME IS

VERY SIMPLE: WE COMBINE TWOUNRELATED THINGS INTO SOME PUN

FORM.

YOU MIGHT SAY WE'RE PUNNING ONEMPTY.

SEE, THAT'S HOW THAT WORKS.

TONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS LITERALLY#AddAPunRuinAPun.

SO EXAMPLES WILL BE, PUN DMC.

OR PUNDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL.

AND PUN-SIZED SNICKERS!

I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ONT HECLOCK STARTING NOW AND GO.

YES, PAUL SCHEER.

>> PUNGER GAMES STARRINGPUNNIFER LAWRENCE AS KATPUTNISS

EVERPUN.

>> CHRIS: ALL RIGHT.

THAT WAS A LITTLE PUN-CLUNKY,BUT I'LL GIVE YOU POINTS.

BRETT GELMAN.

>> STEVEN SIEGAL'S PUNDER SIEGETWO.

>> CHRIS: PUNTS!

PAUL SCHEER.

>> PUNISHER, THE MOVIE STARRINGDOLPH PUNGREN.

>> CHRIS: PUNTS!

PAUL DALY.

>> PUN IN THE SUN. FUN IN THESUN.

>> CHRIS: PUNTS. ANDY DALY.

>> 2,000 POUNDS EQUALS ONEMETRIC PUN.

>> CHRIS: OHH. PUNTS.

BRETT GELMAN.

>> PUNBREAKABLE STARRING SPAMUELL. CRAPSON.

>> CHRIS: OKAY POINTS. THANKYOU FOR ALTERING THE OTHER ONES.

PAUL.

>> PUNGELINA JOLIE'S PUNBROKEN.

>> CHRIS: POINTS. PUNDERWFUL.

OKAY GUYS IT'S TIME TO PLAY YOURFAVORITE E-BAY-BASED GAME SHOW

SPOOF 'EM UP!

E-BAY PRICE IS RIGHT.

COMEDIANS --

[APPLAUSE]

COMEDIANS! COME ON DOWN! ANDYOU'RE ALREADY HERE.

WE'RE GONNA SHOW YOU A SELECTIONOF FANTASTIC ITEMS FROM POPULAR

ONLINE AUCTION SITE BAY OF E.

THE COMEDIAN WHO COMES UPCLOSEST TO THE ACTUAL EBAY BUY

IT NOW RIGHT PRICE WITHOUT GOINGOVER WILL WIN A BRAND NEW

POINTS!

LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT OUR FIRSTITEM UP FOR BID.

THIS FONZI HEAD. THIS FONZIHEAD.

FREE STANDARD SHIPPING,ESTIMATED WITHIN THREE TO SEVEN

BUSINESS DAYS.

1976.

PAUL SCHEER.

>> ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. WAIT,WAIT.

I'M REALLY GOOD AT THIS BECAUSEI COLLECT RALPH MALPH HEADS.

I'M GOING TO SAY THIS IS $17.95.

>> CHRIS: SEVENTEEN NINETY-FIVEALL RIGHT.

SEVENTEEN NINETY-FIVE.

>> OH GOD, CAN I CHANGE IT? CAN I CHANGE IT?

HIGHER?

>> CHRIS: CAN I DO THIS?>> AW.

>> CHRIS: ANDY DALY.

>> HI. HOW ARE YOU.

THANK YOU.

>> VERY NICE.

>> PAUL'S AT SEVENTEEN NINETY-FIVE, WHAT IS YOUR BID FOR THIS?

>> OKAY, ALL RIGHT.

>> CHRIS: BASICALLY ADECAPITATED FONZI HEAD.

>> I HAVE AN EIGHT INCH FONZIFIGURE LEGO DOLL WITHOUT A HEAD

BUT I TOOK OFF HIS HEAD FOR AREASON.

SO I DON'T THINK THIS IS A HIGHVALUE.

I'M GOING TO PAY $1.21.

[APPLAUSE]

>> CHRIS: A DOLLAR TWENTY-ONE, ADOLLAR TWENTY-ONE.

BRETT.

[LAUGHTER]

BRETT, WHAT IS YOUR BID FOR THISCLEARLY DECAPITATED FONZI HEAD.

>> WHY DO YOU GUYS CARE SO MUCH.

>> CHRIS: NO ONE'S EVER ASKEDTHAT QUESTION BEFORE OF THE

AUDIENCE.

>> I MEAN YOU GET NOTHING FROMTHIS.

>> CHRIS: YEAH, HE'S NOT WRONG.>> NEITHER DO WE.

>> CHRIS: HE'S NOT WRONG.

I>> I'M GOING TO SAY SIX DOLLARAND NINETY CENTS.

[CROWD CHEERING]

>> CHRIS: ALL RIGHT. SIX DOLLARAND NINETY CENTS.

CLEVERLY PUTTING THE 69 INTHERE.

ACTUAL BUY IT NOW PRICE 19.76PAUL SCHEER GETS THE POINTS.

(CHEERS AND APPLUASE)

>> [BLEEP]. GOD DAMNIT.

>> AND SCREW YOU ALL FOR NOTSUPPORTING ME.

I SAID SEVENTEEN, YOU LAUGHED ATME.

>> CHRIS: I THINK YOU'RE TOOMAD.

WHY ARE YOU COMING IN SO HOT? NOTHEY'RE STILL --

>> SUCK IT! [BLEEP]. I DON'TNEED YOU.

I NEVER DID! I WON.

>> CHRIS: BY THE WAY, YOU STILLNEED THE. THE SHOW'S NOT OVER.

>> SO SORRY.

HELP ME OUT, HELP ME OUT.

>> REMEMBER THAT, REMEMBER THAT.

>> CHRIS: OUR NEXT ITEM UP FORBID, THIS KANGAROO SCROTUM.

A KANGAROO SCROTUM POUCH.

STANDARD INTERNATIONAL SHIPPINGRATES. U.S. A DOLLAR NINE.

TEN SOLD.

TWO AVAILABLE. TWO AVAILABLE.

WHO WOULDN'T LIKE TO HAVE THEIRBALLS LOPPED OFF AND THEN A

STAMP OF THEIR BODY PLACED ONIT.

LET'S START WITH YOU THIS TIME,ANDY DALY.

WHAT DO YOU BID FOR THIS UNLUCKYMARSUPIAL'S BALL SACK.

>> WELL, CHRIS.

I DO HAVE A KANGAROO WITHOUT ASCROTUM BUT I TOOKT THAT SCROTUM

OFF FOR A REASON.

>> CHRIS: OKAY.

>> I THINK WILL HAVE A LOWPRICE. I'M GOING TO SAY FIVE

NINETY-FIVE.

>> CHRIS: FIVE NINETY-FIVE. FIVENINETY-FIVE.

ALL RIGHT.

>> EVERY TIME? EVERY TIME, HUH.

>> CHRIS: WHY NOT.

BRETT.

>> WASN'T THAT RICHARD DAWSONWHO DID THAT.

>> CHRIS: DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

I HAVE REASONS.

ALL RIGHT, WHAT'S YOUR BID.

>> I'M GOING TO BID, I'M GOINGTO BID TWENTY-ONE DOLLARS.

>> CHRIS: TWNETY-ONE DOLLARS TOBRETT GELMAN.

PAUL SCHEER.

>> I USED TO CUT THESE KANGAROOBALLS OFF AT THE OUTBACK.

THAT'S HOW I GOT MY START.

IT WAS $20 FOR A PAIR, I WILLSAY $10 FOR ONE.

>> CHRIS: ACTUAL BUY-IT-NOWPRICE OF THIS AUSTRALIAN

MARSUPIAL NUTSACK IS SIXTEENDOLLARS.

THAT MEANS THAT ONCE AGAIN PAULSCHEER HAS THE POINTS.

>> YEAH! [BLEEP] YOU!>> CHRIS: PAUL --

STOP THIS PAUL. WHY, WHY ARE YOUTAKING THEM OFF?

THEY'VE DONE NOTHING BUT TRY TOHELP YOU.

>> I DON'T NEED IT!

>> CHRIS: HERE'S THE NEXT ITEMUP FOR BID.

A VHS COPY OF ART HOUSE STARRINGME CHRIS HARDWICK AS PETER

HARDWICK, MY FAT DRUNK BROTHERIN 1997.

THREE HOURS, ECONOMY SHIPPING.

VERY GOOD CONDITION.

>> BEFORE I MAKE MY BID I NEEDTO KNOW JUST A LOG LINE OF THE

MOVIE. CHRIS, WHAT IS IT ABOUT?

>> CHRIS: YOUNG FILMMAKER TRIESTO MAKE AN INDIE FILM EVERYTHING

GOES TO [BLEEP].

>> OKAY GREAT. TEN CENTS.

>> CHRIS: ALL RIGHT, GENEROUS.

ANDY.

>> I'M GOING TO SAY -- WHAT?

>>CHRIS: WHY YOU GOTTA COVERYOUR EYES LIKE THAT? WHY YOU

GOTTA COVER THOSE PRETTY EYES.

>> WHAT DOLLAR AMOUNT WILL MAKETHIS STOP?

>> I'M GOING TO SAY THE MOVIE ISFIVE.

>> CHRIS: WHAT'S YOUR -- WHAT'SYOUR BUY-IT-NOW PRICE?

>> DOES IT HAVE TO BE A DOLLARAMOUNT? BECAUSE I WAS GOING TO

SAY YOU GOING OVER TO THEIRHOUSE AND CRYING IN THEIR LIVING

ROOM FOR A HALF HOUR.

I'M GOING TO SAY -- I'M GOING TOSAY, BECAUSE YOU'RE HUGE.

YOU'RE HUGE AND YOU'RE VERYPOPULAR.

YOU'RE BE BELOVED.

>> CHRIS: YEAH, OF COURSE.

>> I'M GOING TO SAY SIX DOLLARS.

>> CHRIS: ALL RIGHT.

SIX DOLLARS.

THE ACTUAL BUY-IT-NOW PRICE,FOUR NINETY-NINE.

PAUL SCHEER HAS SWEPT EBAY PRICEIS RIGHT!

THAT'S ALL THE TIME WE HAVE FORE-BAY PRICE US RIGHT RIGHT NOW.

DON'T FORGET TO HAVE YOURCOMEDIAN SPAYED OR NEUTERED.

I'M DREW CAREY. GOOD NIGHTEVERYONE.

[APPLAUSE]

>> THIS IS GARBAGE. GARBAGE.GARBAGE.

>> CHRIS: WELCOME BACK TO@MIDNIGHT.

BEFORE I BREAK I TOLD YOU ABOUTTHE PROPHECIES OF MEXICO'S GRAND

WARLOCK GANDALFO BLANCO AND IASKED YOU TO COME UP WITH

ANOTHER ONE OF HIS PREDICTIONSFOR 2015.

LET'S SEE WHAT YOU CAME UP WITH.

LET'S START WITH YOU ANDY DALY.

>> I BELIEVE IN 2015 I WILLSLEEP IN A NICER CAR.

[APPLAUSE]

>> CHRIS: ALL RIGHT.

BRETT GELMAN.

>> IN 2015, I THE SELF-APPOINTEDGRAND WARLOCK OF MEXICO, WILL

GROW BIGGER TITS AND FEED ALL OFLATIN AMERICA'S HUNGRY.

HOWEVER, MANY OF THE HUNGRY WILLSTILL STARVE BECAUSE WHILE MY

MILK IS DELICIOUS, MY TITS AREDISGUSTING.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> CHRIS: THAT'S A VERY SOLIDPREDICTION.

I MEAN -- PAUL SCHEER.

>> MY ANSWER WAS IT WILL BEREVEALED THAT AREA 51 IS WHERE

STEVE HARVEY GETS ALL HIS SUITS.

[APPLAUSE]

AS WE GO TO OUR NEXT GAME SEARCHPARTY, SEARCH PARTY.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED THELIST OF THE MOST SEARCHED TERMS

YOUTUBE LAST YEAR.

MINECRAFT AND FROZEN TOPPED THELIST, SUGGESTING UNIVERSITY HAS

A LOT OF YOUNGER USERS, OR A LOTOF MIDDLE-AGED ONES WEIRD

MASTUBARBATION HABITS.

COMEDIANS, YOUR CHALLENGE IS TOTELL ME WAHT 2014 LEAST-SEARCHED

YOUTUBE TERMS WERE.

I'M GOING TO PUT 60 SECONDS ONTHE CLOCK GO.

PAUL SCHEER.

>> PAUL SCHEER'S DICK AND NIPPLESLIP.

IT WAS A VERY WINDY DAY.

>> CHRIS: I WAS GONNA SAY, SAMETIME?

POINTS. BRETTY GELMAN.

>> HOW TO READ BOOKS, YOU[BLEEP] MORON.

>> CHRIS: POINTS. ANDY DALY.

>> HOW TO LOG ON TO YOUTUBE.

[APPLAUSE]

>> CHRIS: POINTS. VERY CLEVER.

PAUL SCHEER.

>> NCIS NEW ORLEANS FANSFICTION.

>> CHRIS: POINTS. ANDY DALY.

>> PEOPLE GETTING KICKED BUT NOTIN THE BALLS.

>> CHRIS: POINTS. BRETT GELMAN.

>> HOW TO LEARN THAT JUSTBECAUSE YOU FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER

DOESN'T MEAN THAT YOU'RE MY[BLEEP] FRIEND, OKAY?

>> CHRIS: ALL RIGHT.

I THINK BRETT GELMAN STEPPEDOUTSIDE THE GAME FOR A MOMENT.

BUT POINTS. PAUL SCHEER, UH,ANDY DALY.

>> VIDEOS OF HUMANS THAT WEREMADE BY CATS.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

OH! NOW WHO'S THE -- POINTS.BRETTY GELMAN.

>> BRETT GELMAN'S FUNNIESTMOMENTS.

OH WAIT, THERE'S NO NONE OFTHOSE.

I MAKE JEFF DUNHAM LOOK LIKE[BLEEP] RICHARD PRIOR.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

>> I SUCK. LEAVE ME ALONE.