RETURN JULY 2014
Nick Guerra can't stand modern pop music, Gina Yashere knows the difference between American and African thuggery, and Gabriel Iglesias shares a "Hey It's Fluffy!" cartoon.
Uh, people were asking Martin...
because, you know, people saw Stand-Up Revolution season one,
and they noticed thatyour hair is different.
Your hair is actually
three inches longerthan it was last year.
You know what, I'm just glad Ipicked up inches somewhere, bro.
I'll take it.
Well, it's different, bro.
'Cause last year, you know,it was getting longer,
it kind of starts getting...now you're bringing backthe '80s, bro.
Oh... I wish I couldbring back the '80s.
I went hard in the '80s, bro.
You know, you that show,uh, Remember the '80s?
Mm-hmm.I'm glad they made it,
'cause I forgot halfthe crap that I did.
This man right here, okay?
He... if he looks like a rockstar, it's 'cause he is.
He parties hard.
I know how hard he parties.
Ozo knows how hard he parties.
Let me tell you a story.Um...
After, you know, uh, season oneof Stand-Up Revolution,
we went on tour for a while.
We went all over the U.S.and, uh...
as a gift to all my buddiesthat were on the tour with me,
I gave everybody an iPhone 4S.
Yeah. For a gift.(audience cheers)
Martin was so excited,because it had this feature--
it still has this feature--called Siri,
where you hit the button
and you can talk to the phone,and it'll help you out.
Like you say, "Oh, call John,"
and it's like, you know,ding, ding, "Calling John."
You know, it's really...(audience laughs)
...it's really, really cool.
But Martin...you see how he is.
You know, he messeswith the phone.
He's like, ding, ding,"Siri, tell me something dirty."
(laughter)And the phone takeseverything literal,
so it's like, ding, "Would youlike me to locate a car wash?"
So anyways, you guys,I had a lot of fun
watching him play withthe phone, but then
a couple weeks go by,and, uh, we're doing a show
out in Northern California,in San Jose,
and, um... we had a reallygood time that night,
doing the show,and the people invited us
to hang out, and we hada bunch of drinks, and, uh...
Someone said,"You want to go eat?"
And I was like, "Yeah."
And someone said,"You want to go drinking?"
So Martin and I partedways for about an hour,
and then we met upan hour later
back at the, you know,at the hotel,
and I'm walking in okay,and he's gone.
He is just... (moaning)
And somebody's helping him in.I'm like, "Who are you?"
"I don't know, but he fell."You know, and...
dragging him in, and...
He doesn't eventake off his clothes.
He gets into the bedwith everything on,
including his shoes.
So the next morning, you guys...
Martin comes over tomy side of the room,
and he's like, "Bro..."
"Are you okay?"
"Bro, I peed on myself."
And my response was actually,"Again?"
Because he's partiedthat hard in the past.
Martin has partied so hard,
you guys, that there'sbeen times where
he's had to throw awaymattresses.
So I go, "Martin, why are youtaking it so much worse?"
In the past, whenever thathappened, he laughed about it.
"Oh, bro, look what happened.
Party like a rock star!"
He goes, "Bro, you don'tunderstand.
My phone was in my pocket."
(audience laughing, applause)
I go, "No."
He goes, "Yeah.I drowned Siri."
"Bro, it's a new phone."I go, "Listen, Martin."
I said, "Hey, don't worry.I got you covered, man."
And so I said, "Listen, I'mgonna go get you a new phone."
So we take a nice littletrip to the mall,
and we found an Apple store,and we get to the front,
and there's a girlthere with a clipboard.
And they're always,"How can I help you?"
"Well, we want to see aboutreplacing my friend's phone."
"Did he lose it?"
I go, "No, it's, actually...it got... damaged."
"Well, what's wrongwith the phone?"
I go, "It kind of got wet."
And then she looks at Martin.
"Aw, did someonedrop it in the sink?"
"No, not exactly."
And she's all, "Oh, he droppedit in the toilet?"
I go, "He wishes."
She goes, "Well,we have a few in stock.
"Would you like a black iPhone,
or would you likea white iPhone?"
I said, "Well, you know,Martin and I
have the same color iPhone."
We both have a white one, so Isays, um, just so we don't have
the confusion of always grabbingeach other's phones,
I said, "Martin, would you mindgetting a black iPhone?"
He goes, "Yeah, but, um,does the black iPhone
And I'm like, "What kind ofa question is that?"
Why wouldn't the blackiPhone have Siri, right?
And then I started thinking.
Can you imagine ifa black iPhone
was really a black iPhone?
You know,Martin gets in the car.
Ding, ding. "Siri, what'sthe temperature outside?"
"Why don't you stickyour head out the window?"
(audience laughs, applause)
"Siri, talk dirty to me."
"You better not pee on me."
"Okay? I ain't likethat white iPhone."
I know I'm getting uncool, yeah.
'Cause I don't,I don't like music anymore.
I can't stand music.
Music's so bad.
There's no more good love songsanymore.
You got all these kids tryingto write about love.
Justin Bieber trying to writeabout love. Really?
He has half a nutin his rectum.
He doesn't knowwhat he's talking about.
It's still up there.
You can't write about loveuntil you know about love,
and you don't know about love
until you've had that firstpregnancy scare.
You know what I'm saying?
All right?That's when you know.
And I'm gonna say this, guys.It's our fault, okay?
We got to take care of that,all right?
'Cause we don't do anythingelse in the bedroom.
We don't, all right?
News flash: none of us are sexy.We aren't.
We try to be.We look stupid, okay?
Ladies, you ever ask your manto dance for you?
It looks dumb, doesn't it?
It's, like,"Babe, dance for me."
"Oh, like this, huh?Like that, huh?"
He does moves he sawat a strip club.
"Like that, huh, huh?"
Dangling? That's not sexy.
Did you even know there wasblack people in England, huh?
Look at your faces.You're confused.
Yes, I speak like this.
We are everywhere.
You look confused, sir.You looking at me like,
"Oh, my God, I think it's thebutler from Fresh Prince."
It's a scary place, people.It's scary.
All right, you guys thinkyou got thugs in America.
In America they got guysthat walk around
who think they're thugs.
"We're thugs, man.We're thugs."
"We're thugs, man, we thugs..."
That's how it looks to me."We're thugs, man.
We're thugs, man,we're thugs."
Go to Africaand see hungry thugs.
I got robbed in a taxi doing60 miles an hour, people.
That, my friends, is thuggery.
I was in Africa.
I thought, I'm safe,I'm in a taxi.
We're on the freeway,we're doing 60, we're cool.
I want to film this,I want to get this on camera,
for posterity,'cause I don't know
when I'm comingback to Africa again.
So what I need to do...(audience laughing)
...is film this.
So I thought, I'm safe,we're in a taxi.
I stuck my camcorderout of the window
and I'm filming Africa.
And then I felt... pfft.
And my camera was gone.
(audience laughs, applause)
And I'm left lookingthrough my hand.
This zoom is notas good as I remember.
(audience laughs, applauds)
It's a scary place!
You commit a murder in Nigeria,
you will get away with it.
You will. You will.
And I'll tell you why, 'cause weain't got no CSI: Nigeria.
If we did, it would stand for"Cannot Solve It."
(audience laughs, applause)
The police in Nigeriaturn up at a crime scene,
and they're like,"Okay, there's a dead body.
"There's a dead body.
There's a dead body!"
"Somebody has been killed!"
"Did you do it?
"No? Aw, shoot.
We will never catchthe killer."
Credits, credits, credits,credits, credits, show done.
♪ Hey, it's Fluffy!
I don't want to go to church--it's no fun.
You know,you're not supposed to like it.
It's supposedto be good for you.
Kind of like eating broccoli.
Like you ever ate broccoli.
Just for today, I want to bea bad girl and have fun.
Who's with me?
What do we do?
Fluffy, I've been going tochurch for 12 years,
praying that a girl wouldsay this to me.
Let's do this!
Hey, kids, guess what?
I got something under my coatthat's more fun than church.
I got new movies,old movies,
movies in the theater,movies coming out next month,
I got movies they ain'teven made yet.
Got any scary movies?
This movie is so scary,it's rated TV-I.
The only peopleallowed to watch it
are thosewho are already insane.
I want to watch it.
Unless you guysare afraid.
BOTH:We'll take it.
I got a bad feelingabout this.
Seriously, it's great to watchscary movies with chicks,
'cause when they getall scared,
they just wantto cuddle.
That ain't gonna happen.
Everyone knows it'sjust a movie.
(scary music plays)
Just go make popcorn.
(growly voice):I want your soul!
What?This stuff really works.
That's not good.
I better check onMartin and Zirina!
Just rememberedI got an appointment
with a dog groomer--see you fools later!
I'm gonna drag your soulto Hell, Martin!
Ooh! Mood lighting!
Ooh, French kissingbefore dark, huh?
Hey, where we going?
Father, we made a girlmiss Communion
to watch a bootleg horror movie,
and now she's possessedby the Devil!
Not in my church!
(electricity sizzlesand crackles)
God bless you!
Wow, Father, you'rereally good at your job!
Now who is ready for Communion?
Hey, man, you got something
like, with a pit bulland a poodle and a stick?