Jim Gaffigan: King Baby

  • Season 1, Ep 1
  • 03/29/2009

Jim Gaffigan wonders who decided how to pronounce "bologna," shares his love of bacon and explains why bowling is a germaphobe's nightmare.

OF COURSE, WHAT MAKESBREAKFAST IN BED SO SPECIAL

IS YOU'RE LYING DOWNAND EATING BACON--

THE MOST BEAUTIFULTHING ON EARTH.

- ( cheering )- BACON.

BACON'S THE BEST.

EVEN THE FRYING OF BACONSOUNDS LIKE APPLAUSE.

IT'S LIKE...( imitates applause )

YAY, BACON!

YOU WANT TO KNOWHOW GOOD BACON IS?

TO IMPROVE OTHER FOOD THEY WRAP IT IN BACON.

IF IT WEREN'T FOR BACON,

WE WOULDN'T EVEN KNOWWHAT A WATER CHESTNUT IS.

"THANK YOU, BACON.SINCERELY, WATER CHESTNUT III."

AND THOSE BITS OF BACON?

BITS OF BACON ARELIKE THE FAIRY DUSTOF THE FOOD COMMUNITY.

YOU DON'T WANTTHIS BAKED POTATO?

BRRRING!

NOW IT'S YOUR FAVORITEPART OF THE MEAL.

NOT INTERESTED IN A SALAD?

BIPPITY-BOPPITY BACON!

I JUST TURNED ITINTO AN ENTREE.

BUT ONCE YOU PUT BACONIN A SALAD

IT'S NO LONGER A SALAD.

IT JUST BECOMES A GAME OFFIND THE BACON IN THE LETTUCE.

IT'S LIKE YOU'REPANNING FOR GOLD.

"EUREKA!

BACON!"

NOT TOO MANY WAYSTO PREPARE BACON.

YOU CAN EITHER FRY ITOR GET BOTULISM.

IT'S AMAZING THE SHRINKAGETHAT OCCURS.

YOU START WITH A POUND,YOU END UP WITH A BOOKMARK.

REALLY THE ONLY BAD PARTABOUT BACON

IS IT MAKES YOU THIRSTYFOR MORE BACON.

I NEVER FEEL LIKEI GET ENOUGH BACON.

AT BREAKFAST IT'S LIKETHEY'RE RATIONING IT.

"HERE'S YOURTWO STRIPS OF BACON."

"I WANT MORE!

MORE BACON!"

WHENEVER YOU'REAT A BRUNCH BUFFET

AND YOU SEE THATBIG METAL TRAY FILLEDWITH THE 4,000 PIECES OF BACON,

DON'T YOU ALMOST EXPECTA RAINBOW TO BE COMINGOUT OF IT?

"I FOUND IT!I FOUND THE SOURCEOF ALL BACON!"

THAT BACON TRAY IS ALWAYSAT THE END OF THE BUFFET.

YOU REGRET ALL THE STUFFON YOUR PLATE.

"WHAT AM I DOINGWITH ALL THIS WORTHLESS FRUIT?

I SHOULD HAVE WAITED.

IF I HAD KNOWN YOU WERE HERE,I WOULD HAVE WAITED.

I WOULD EATONLY YOU, BACON."

I LIKE ALL KINDS OF MEAT,EVEN BOLOGNA.

( falsetto )I KNEW HE WAS WHITE TRASH.

I DON'T EVEN KNOWIF BOLOGNA IS A MEAT.

I DON'T THINK MEAT'S SUPPOSEDTO CATCH ON FIRE LIKE THAT.

WHAT'S INTERESTINGABOUT BOLOGNA-- IT'S NOTJUST A MEAT, IT'S AN INSULT.

"THAT'S A BUNCH OF BOLOGNA.YOU'RE FULL OF BOLOGNA."

THAT KIND OF IMPLIESBOLOGNA MAKES YOU LIE.

I EAT BOLOGNAALL THE TIME...

OR MAYBE I DON'T.

MAYBE THAT'S JUSTTHE BOLOGNA TALKING.

HAVE YOU SEEN THE BOLOGNA THAT HAS THE OLIVES IN IT?

WHO IS THAT FOR?

"I LIKE MY BOLOGNALIKE A MARTINI--

WITH AN OLIVE."

I'LL HAVETHE BOLOGNA SANDWICH, DIRTY.

EVERYTHING ABOUT BOLOGNA IS SILLY.

WHO DECIDED ON THE PRONUNCIATIONOF THE WORD "BOLOGNA"?

"ALL RIGHT, HOW DO YOU WANTTO PRONOUNCE THIS WORD?""BALONEY!"

"I DON'T KNOW IF YOU SAW,THERE'S A 'G' IN THE WORD."

"I DON'T SEENO 'G' IN 'BALONEY.'"

"OKAY, THE WORDDOES END WITH AN 'A.'"

"WE'RE GOING WITH 'BALONEY'!

TRUST ME, I CAME UPWITH 'COLONEL.'"

I'LL TELL YOU,I THOUGHT THE IHOPWAS A DUMP

UNTIL I WENTINTO A WAFFLE HOUSE.

THEY'RE NOT EVEN TRYINGIN THERE.

HERE'S SOMETHING YOU'LLNEVER HEAR IN A WAFFLE HOUSE:

"NICE JOB CLEANING UP!"

NOW IF YOU'VE NEVER BEENTO A WAFFLE HOUSE,

JUST IMAGINEA GAS-STATION BATHROOM

THAT SELLS WAFFLES,

AND YOU'VE BEENTO A WAFFLE HOUSE.

I LOVE WAFFLE HOUSE.

AND NOT JUST 'CAUSEWATCHING SOMEONE FRY AN EGG

WHILE THEY'RE SMOKINGREMINDS ME OF MY DAD.

IT'S THE PEOPLE IN THERE.IT'S LIKE A WHITE-TRASHCONVENTION,

OR FOR MEA FAMILY REUNION.

IT'S SO WHITE TRASHIN THERE,

IT MAKES THE IHOPAPPEAR INTERNATIONAL.

I'VE SEEN A GUNFIVE TIMES IN MY LIFE.

THREE OF THEM HAVE BEENIN WAFFLE HOUSE.

THERE'S DEFINITELYA DANGEROUS FEEL TO 'EM.

EVEN THE WAFFLE HOUSE SIGNLOOKS LIKE A RANSOM NOTE.

THERE'S ALWAYS A LETTER OUT.OCCASIONALLY IT'LL BE THE "W,"

SO IT'LL READ "AFFLE HOUSE."

"THAT'S WHERE I WANNA GOAT 2:00 A.M."

THAT'S WHEN EVERYONE GOES.

THEIR SLOGAN SHOULD BE,"IT'S 2:00 A.M.,

STILL TIME TO MAKEONE MORE BAD DECISION."

YOU GO IN THERE,

EVERYONE'S DRUNK.

YOU KNOW EVERYONE'S DRUNKIN WAFFLE HOUSE

'CAUSE THEY HAVE PICTURESOF THE FOOD ON THE MENU.

HOW DRUNK DO YOUHAVE TO BE TO NOT REMEMBER

WHAT A WAFFLELOOKS LIKE?

"OH, YEAH,IT'S LIKE A PLAID PANCAKE."

"I'LL HAVE 12 OF THOSEFOR A NICKEL."

YOU EVER GO INTOWAFFLE HOUSE DURING THE DAY?

THAT'S WEIRD.

"THIS PLACELOOKS FAMILIAR.

I THINK I THREW UPIN HERE.

OH, THERE IT IS."

ALL RIGHT, THAT IS ALL.THANK YOU SO MUCH, YOU GUYS.

THERE'S NOTHING REALLYHEALTHY ABOUT BOWLING.

IT HAS TO BETHE GERMAPHOBE'S NIGHTMARE.

"HERE, PUT ON THESE MOIST SHOES10,000 PEOPLE WORE

AND STICK YOUR FINGERSIN THESE DIRTY HOLES.

NOW YOU HAVE THE FLU."

HOW DIRTYARE THOSE HOLES?

IT'S NOT LIKE THOSEBALLS WEAR OUT.

THEY PROBABLY HAVEN'TMANUFACTURED A BOWLING BALL

IN 1,000 YEARS.

SOMEONE'S OUT THERE IS USINGFRED FLINTSTONE'S RIGHT NOW.

( falsetto )THAT IS PREPOSTEROUS.

( normal )I DON'T OWN A BOWLING BALL

'CAUSE I'M NOT A WEIRDO.

"YEAH, I WANT TO VOLUNTEERTO CARRY AROUND A 50-LB BALL.

CAN YOU PUT ITIN A BIG UGLY PURSE?

THAT'S HOW I WANTTO MEET THE LADIES."

"OH, COULDN'T HELP BUT NOTICEYOU STARING AT MY PURSE.

IT'S FILLEDWITH A BIG BLUE BALL.

MIND IF I FOLLOW YOUAROUND THE PARKING LOT?

I'LL JUST BE HUMMING."( humming )

♪ BALL IN THE BAG.

THAT'S THE WORSTSONG EVER.

I ALWAYS HAVE TO PICK OUTMY BOWLING BALL.

I CAN NEVER FINDTHE RIGHT ONE.

I'M LIKE,"THIS ONE IS TOO HEAVY.

THIS ONE IS GOOD,BUT IT'S PINK.

AND MY FINGERS DON'T FIT."

HOW DO THEY DECIDEON THOSE FINGER SIZES?

THEY'RE EITHERFOR A FIVE-YEAR-OLD GIRL

OR THE INCREDIBLE HULK.

HOW BIG ARE SOME PEOPLE'S FINGERS?

SOME GUY WEARINGA CATCHER'S MITT?

"YEAH, IT'S GOOD.

I CAN STILL CATCH THE GAME.DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT."

THOSE BOWLING SHOES,NO UPDATE THERE.

"YOU NEEDOUR SPECIAL SHOES

BEFORE YOU CAN ROLLOUR MAGIC BALL."

SOME PEOPLE HAVETHEIR OWN BOWLING BALL

AND THEIR OWN BOWLING SHOESAND NO FRIENDS.

( falsetto )THAT'S MEAN.

I CAN SAY THAT'CAUSE I LIKE BOWLING.

I WATCH BOWLING ON TV,

'CAUSE I USEMY TIME WISELY.

I SAW THIS COLLEGE-TEAMCHAMPIONSHIP.

EACH TEAM HADTHEIR OWN COACH.

WHAT KINDOF STRATEGY ADVICE

IS A BOWLING COACHGIVING?

"YOU KNOW WHAT?THIS TIME, TIMMY,

I WANT YOU TO KNOCK DOWNALL THE PINS."

"ARE YOU SURE?""TRUST ME.

JUST DO IT, SON!"

THAT'S WEIRD.

BOWLING SEEMS SILLY,

YET WE ALL TAKE ITVERY SERIOUSLY, RIGHT?

TILL WE GET THAT FIRST GUTTER BALL WE'RE LIKE,

"LET ME SHOW YOUHOW IT'S DONE."

( laughs )"THIS IS A STUPID SPORT."

THERE'S FEW MOMENTSIN LIFE

AS HUMILIATINGAS THAT GUTTER BALL.

THE WORST PART ISTHEN YOU HAVE TO MAKE

THAT TURN BACKTO YOUR FRIENDS.

"THAT BALL'S BROKEN.

IT'S TILTED DOWN THERE."