John Mulaney & Nick Kroll

  • Season 2, Ep 8
  • 08/27/2013

Anthony hosts a game of "How Many Things?" and introduces a bulletproof couch; John Mulaney and Nick Kroll make bear jokes.

>> Jeselnik: MOVING ON.

NOW IT'S TIME FOR DAMN, NATURE,

YOU SCARY.

MEET BEARS IN YOUR AREA.

BEAR ATTACKS ARE ON THE RISE AND

SEVEN PEOPLE ATTACKED IN FOUR

DAYS ACROSS THE COUNTRY.

AS A RESULT, HIKERS ARE BEING

ASKED TO TRAVEL IN GROUPS OF

THREE OR AS BEARS CALL IT,

BUFFET STYLE.

>> I WOULD HAVE A BUSINESS

CALLED BAD NEWS BEARS.

THE BASIC IDEA IS THAT LIKE

HULKING GAY MEN COME AND DELIVER

BAD NEWS TO YOU.

ONE GUY'S LIKE, YOUR SON HAS

CANCER.

YOU'RE LIKE, OH, THAT'S TERRIBLE

NEWS BUT YOU'RE WEARING JEAN

SHORTS.

IT MAKES IT A LITTLE EASIER.

>> THE PROBLEM IS YOU HEAR YOUR

SUPPOSED TO PLAY DEAD WHEN YOU

SEE A BEAR BUT YOU CAN'T JUST

LAY ON THE GROUND YOU HAVE TO BE

CONVINCING.

WHEN I'M IN THE WOODS AND I SEE

A BEAR I GET INTO THE WHOLE

DEATH THING.

I SAVE MY HEAD AND PULL THE

BLANKET UP AND HOLD HANDS WITH A

JAMAICAN NURSE AND RABBI AND

THERE'S JUST A LOT OF LOVE IN

THE ROOM AND THE BEAR STARTS

WATCHING BECAUSE HE'S IN AWE OF

THE SCENE AND SOMEONE TURNS ON A

BOOM BOX AND HEAR BOYS TO MEN

SING IT'S HARD TO SAY GOOD-BYE

TO YESTERDAY AND PEOPLE GET UP

AND SPEAK AND SAY WHEN I THINK

OF JOHN I THINK OF A LEADER AND

THE BEAR BY THAT POINT IS CAUGHT

UP IN THE FUNERAL AND PEOPLE ARE

LIKE DID YOU KNOW HIM AND HE'S

LIKE I DIDN'T BUT I HAVE A GREAT

RESPECT FOR HIM AND WHEN THE

BEAR IS HAVING THE BOOK TO SIGN

YOU WERE AT THE WAKE I SNEAK OUT

THEY SHOWED IT.

NOW THE PROBLEM HERE IS NONE OF

US ARE BEAR EXPERTS, RIGHT?

ARE YOU A BEAR EXPERT, JOHN?

>> NO.

>> Jeselnik: YOU JUST DABBLE.

>> YEAH, DABBLE.

>> Jeselnik: BEAR EXPERT?

>> MORE OF A HOBBY.

>> Jeselnik: YEAH.

SO LET'S HAVE BEAR EXPERT AND

STAR OF YOGI BEAR 3-D TJ MILLER

COME OUT AND TELL US WHAT'S

WHAT.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> THANK YOU.

THAT'S SO GENUINE APPLAUSE.

ANTHONY, I WORKED WITH REAL

BEARS AND I'LL TELL YA, BEARS

WILL RECYCLE THEIR URINATION

DURING HIBERNATION.

THE LATIN WORD IS URSA WHICH

MEANS BEAR.

OVER 100 BEARS ARE KILLED ON

FLORIDA ROADWAYS EACH YEAR.

IS IT THE FALL OF THE DRUNK

DRIVERS IN FLORIDA OR THAT MOST

PEOPLE IN FLORIDA LOOK LIKE

BEARS?

>> Jeselnik: UH, OH.

OH, MY GOD, WOLVERINE CLAWS?

NO, TJ.

>> THIS IS HOW I PROTECT MYSELF

FROM BEARS.

PEOPLE SAY T.J., A BEAR'S

CHASING YOU, RUN DOWNHILL.

I SAY RUN UPHILL AND [BLEEP].

>> TJ MILLER EVERYBODY.

TJ MILLER.

MAN.

>> HEY, ANTHONY, WHAT'S THIS

FOR?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[LAUGHTER]

>> Jeselnik: AND NOW DRAW YOUR

BABY AND QUARTER.

IT'S DEFENDING YOUR TWEET.

YOU TWEET IT AND I'M GOING TO

READ IF AND MAKE YOU DEFEND IT

IN FRONT OF ALL THESE PEOPLE.

JOHN.

>> YES.

>> Jeselnik: FEBRUARY 5, YOU

TWEETED, YOU CAN SUBSTITUTE

MADEA FOR MEDIA IN GUN ARTICLES

AND THEY STILL MAKE A GOOD DEAL

OF SENSE.

JOHN, DEFEND YOUR TWEET.

>> THIS TWEET IS GREAT BECAUSE

IT'S TOP CAL, POLITICAL, EDGY,

CURRENT, LIGHT AND TAPS INTO THE

MADEA, AKA, URBAN MARKET.

>> Jeselnik: GREAT DEFENSE.

NICK, ON MARCH 30 YOU TWEETED,

HASH TAG, MY REPLY TO I LOVE

YOU, NEW PHONE, WHO DIS?

>> I THINK IT'S A REAL FUNNY

JOKE.

I THINK I'M PARTICIPATING IN THE

HASH TAG TRENDING THING WHICH IS

SOMETHING I DON'T TEND TO DO AND

I FEEL LIKE I DIPPED MY TOE IN

THAT POOL AND THE WATER WAS

NICE.

>> Jeselnik: GREAT DEFENSES BOTH

OF YOU.

>> THANK YOU.

>> THANK YOU, ANTHONY.

>> MAY WE SAY THE DEFENSE RESTS?

>> Jeselnik: YOU MAY NOT.

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