Tuesday, June 30, 2015

  • 06/30/2015

The Meltdown's Jonah Ray, Emily V. Gordon and Kumail Nanjiani answer questions about "50 Shades of Grey," #AddGoatRuinAQuote and slur a new state slogan for Wisconsin.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S "RAPID REFRESH."

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )AS THIS NETWORK'S MOST TRUSTED

TRUTH TELLER, IT'S--SHUT UP.

( LAUGHTER )SOMETIMES MY DUTY TO REPORT THE

NEWS-- EVEN WHEN IT BREAKS MYHEART-- THIS IS ONE SUCH TIME.

MY FELLOW AMERICANS, I'M SAD TOREPORT THAT CHANNING TATUM

DOESN'T TAKE HIS SHIRT OFF UNTILAN HOUR INTO "MAGIC MIKE

XXL."

I'M SORRY!

I'M JUST THE MESSENGER!

>>WHY?

>>THE REAL VICTIMS HERE ARE ALLTHOSE MIDDLE-AGED MOMS WHO GOT

BABYSITTERS AND DOWNEDTHREE SKINNYGIRL MARGARITAS AT

THE CHEESECAKE FACTORY BEFORETHE SHOW.

EXPECTING TO SEE SOME SIX-PACKOR JUST A HINT OF DONG NECK.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )WHAT?

>> THAT'S LIKE-- THAT'S LIKE THECLEAVAGE OF THE PENIS, RIGHT?

>> CHRIS: YEAH, YEAH, YEAH JUSTA LITTLE BIT, YES.

JUST-->> MY FAVORITE PART.

( LAUGHTER )COMEDIANS, PLEASE HELP OUR

NATION'S HALF-IN-THE-BAG,PEC-STARVED MOMS!

WHAT CAN THEY DO TO KILL AN HOURBEFORE CHANNING SHOWS THEM THE

GOODS?

KUMAIL.

>>SNEAK INTO "JURASSIC WORLD"AND DIDDLE YOURSELF TO CHRIS

PRATT.

>> CHRIS: OKAY, POINTS.

>> THAT'S GOOD.

>> THAT'S WHAT I DID.

( LAUGHTER )>> CHRIS: WAIT, EVERYONE COME

OUT.

LET'S DO THE "JURASSIC PARK"THING NOW.

YEAH.

>> OH, OH, OH.

>> OKAY, FINE.

>> MAN, THE REHEARSAL FOR THATWAS MONTHS BUT IT WORKED.

MOVING ON.

"50 SHADES OF GREY" AUTHOR E.L.

JAMES DID HERSELF A LITTLETWITTER Q&A PROVING SHE REALLY

IS A MASOCHIST.

MS. JAMES, SEEN HERE IN STEVENSEAGAL COSPLAY.

>>I'M FILTHY, BUT ALSO BORINGSOMEHOW.

>>I CAN'T READ.

>> I DON'T TWEET.

I ( BLEEP ) HARD.

SHE MANAGED TO DEFLECT,AVOID, AND IGNORE THE Q & A,

WHICH INVOLVE INTO A CASCADE OFSICK TWITTER BURNS. COMEDIANS,

SINCE E.L. JAMES ISN'T VERY GOODAT ANSWERING QUESTIONS AT

HER OWN Q & A, I WOULD LIKE YOUTO FIELD THESE ACTUAL SUBMITTED

QUESTIONS ON HER BEHALF.

"DID YOU SET OUT TOWRITE THE WORST DIALOGUE IN

CINEMA HISTORY?">> YOU MUST BE CONFUSING ME WITH

THE GUY WHO WROTE THE"ENTOURAGE" MOVIE.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

>> OH, YEAH!

EMILY.

"IS THERE A SAFE WORD WE CAN USETO GET YOU TO STOP WRITING SUCH

DRIVEL?">> GOOD QUESTION, WITH ME, NO

WORDS ARE SAFE.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

IT'S NOW TIME FOR TONIGHT'S"#HASHTAGWARS."

THIS IS A SHOW ABOUT THEINTERNET, SO EVERY SO OFTEN, WE

HAVE TO REVISIT ONE OF ITSALL-TIME GREATEST PRODUCTS.

ALL RISE FOR THE SCREAMING GOAT!

SCREAM ON, YOU BARNYARD LEGEND!THIS GOAT'S BEEN RUINING SONGS

IN THE BEST WAY POSSIBLE ALLACROSS YOUTUBE FOR YEARS, SO

TONIGHT WE'RE LETTING GOATSBARGE THEIR WAY INTO SOME

WELL-KNOWN QUOTES WITH THEBEAUTIFULLY RHYMING HASHTAG

#ADDGOATRUINAQUOTE.

SOME EXAMPLES MIGHT BE:"FOUR SCORE AND SEVEN YEARS A

GOAT" OR "GOAT THEHUMAAAHHHHNITY."

I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK STARTING NOW AND GOAT.

JONAH.

♪ NOW YOU'RE JUST SOMEBODY THATI USED TO GOAT ♪♪

BY GOTYE.

>> CHRIS: NO!

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )STOP IT!

YOU'RE NOT A TOREADOR.

STOP IT.

YOU'RE NOT A BULL FIGHTER.

NO.

YES.

>> MR. GORBACHEV, TEAR DOWN THISGOAT!

>> CHRIS: YES.

POINTS.

JONAH.

>> DAMNED IF YOU DO, DAMNED IFYOU GOAT.

>> CHRIS: NO, THAT'S TERRIBLE!

IT DOESN'T EVEN WORK.

>> DAMNED IF YOU GOAT, DAMNED IFYOU GOAT?

>> CHRIS: NOTICE "NEW YORKPOST."

KUMAIL.

>> WE'RE GOING TO NEED A BIGGERGOAT.

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS!

KUMAIL.

>> I HOOF A DREAM.

>> WOW.

>> HEY, THESE GUYS AREJUST SAYING THE WORD "GOAT" IN

THERE.

>> CHRIS: ALL RIGHT, I'M SURE--I'LL GIVE YOU POINT BECAUSE A

GOAT WOULD EAT THAT GARBAGE OF ASUBMISSION.

>> ONE MAN'S TRASH IS LUNCH.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

>> CHRIS: POINT.

JONAH.

>> SEE, WHEN THERE WAS ONLYHOOFPRINTS IN THE SAND, THAT'S

WHEN THE GOAT WAS CARRYING YOU.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

KUMAIL.

>> WHO YOU GOING TO CALL? GOATBUSTERS.

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )THAT'S THE END OF

"#HASHTAGWARS."

SEND US YOUR #ADDGOATRUINAQUOTEAND TAG THOSE @MIDNIGHT TO KEEP

THE GAME GOAT-ING.

SHUT UP!WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

HOW DARE YOU IN FRONT OFCOMPANY!

HOW DARE YOU!

OUR TWEET-OF-THE-DAY FROM LASTNIGHT'S HASHTAG WAR WAS SENT TO

US BY @MSERIC.

WELL DONE!

IT'S TIME TO PLAY "YOU NEWS, YOULOSE."

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )WITH A CONSTANTLY UPDATING

STREAM OF DIGITAL INFORMATION ATOUR FINGERTIPS AT ALL TIMES, IS

TV NEWS EVEN NECESSARY ANYMORE?

WELL, I SAY A RESOUNDING YES!

NOT BECAUSE IT'S THE BEST WAY TOGET INFORMATION, BUT BECAUSE

IT'S FUN TO LAUGH AT THEIR DUMB,OUT-OF-CONTEXT CAPTIONS

SOMETIMES.

I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU A BAFFLINGNEWS HEADLINE AND FOR 250

POINTS-- AND PLEASE DO YOUR BESTANCHOR VOICE WHEN YOU DO THIS--

PLEASE GIVE ME A LINE FROM THATSTORY.

FIRST ONE, "MAN WRESTLES SHARK,LOSES JOB."

>> THE MAN SAID, "THANKS, OBAMA,THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR GOING

SOFT ON SHARK IMMIGRATION."

>> CHRIS: POINTS. SHARK HEROFIRED FOR TRAVELING ON SICK

LEAVE.>>SHARK HERO!

SHARK HERO!

♪ HE'S THE HERO OF THE SHARKS ♪IS HE A HERO FOR THE SHARK--

>> I WAS PICTURING GUITAR HERO,LIKE HE'S PLAYING A SHARK.

>> IT'S LIKE A SHARK GUITAR.

>> SHARK GUITAR.

>> OH,.

>> CHRIS: KUMAIL.

>> IN RUSSIA, SHARK WRESTLE JOB,LOSE MAN.

>> CHRIS: ANOTHER POINT.

>> I GET IT.

I GET IT.

( APPLAUSE )"SANTA IMPERSONATOR ASKED TO

TONE IT DOWN."

KUMAIL.

>> OH, WHAT A CREEPY MAN.SANTA IMPERSONATOR

ASKED TO TONE IT DOWN--DURING ARECENT VISIT TO MECCA.

( BLEEP ).

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

NEXT: THIS WOMAN IS "AWAITINGPRESIDENT

OBAMA'S ARRIVAL IN ME!"( APPLAUSE )

JONAH.

>> SOURCES SAY HIS FINGERS WILLARRIVE FIRST.

( APPLAUSE )>> CHRIS: POINTS.

EMILY.

>> TO BE CLEAR, M.E. IS THEABBREVIATION FOR THE STATE OF

MAINE, WHICH IS WHERE THEPRESIDENT WILL ( BLEEP ) ME.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

KUMAIL.

>> PRESIDENT INSISTS YOU CAN'TGET PREGNANT.

WE'RE IN A HOT TUB!

>> THAT'S TRUE.

THAT'S ACTUALLY TRUE.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

ALL RIGHT, NEXT ONE, "HAVE AGREAT DAY!"

EMILY.

>> CBS WANTS TO REMIND YOU THEWORLD IS A SQUALID PIT SO BURN

IT. BURN IT ALL TO THE ( BLEEP )GROUND.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

JONAH.

>> JUST A REMINDER, I STILL HATEMY EX-WIFE.

( APPLAUSE )>> YOU TOOK EVERYTHING!

YOU TOOK EVERYTHING!

LAST ONE:"WHITE HOUSE: OBAMA CAN'T GO

BACK IN TIME."

>> UNLESS HE CAN GET THEMOTORCADE UP TO 88 MILES PER

HOUR.

BEFORE THE BREAK, I TOLD YOUABOUT A NEW STUDY THAT CROWNED

WISCONSIN AS AMERICA'S DRUNKESTSTATE, WELL DONE--

AND I ASKED YOU TO GIVE ME A NEWSTATE MOTTO FOR THOSE SLOPPY

CHEESE EATERS.

LET'S SEE WHAT YOU WROTE.

EMILY, LET'S START WITH YOU.

>> CHRIS: GOOD DRUNK VOICE.

>> JONAH RAY.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

>> CHRIS: STOP TRYING TO BOOTYCALL MAINE.

KUMAIL.

( APPLAUSE ).

AS WE GO TO OURNEXT GAME, "A FAREWELL TO

ALARMS."

WHETHER YOU'RE HAVING A HEARTATTACK, GETTING ROBBED, OR IF

YOU JUST LOST SOMETHING IN AHOLE IT SHOULDN'T BE LOST IN

911 SAVES LIVES.

IT WAS ON THIS DAY NEARLY 80YEARS AGO

THAT THE FIRST EMERGENCY PHONENUMBER WAS INTRODUCED IN LONDON

BECAUSE, PRESUMABLY, SOME PEOPLEWEREN'T DEAD OF TUBERCULOSIS

YET.

YES, WE'VE HAD A LOT OF CLASSIC911 CALLS SINCE THEN, LIKE THIS

OLD CHESTNUT.

>> SOMEBODY'S REALLY DRUNKDRIVING DOWN GRANTON ROAD.

>> WHICH WAY ARE THEY GOING?

>> THEY ARE GOING, UMMM

>> OKAY, ARE YOU BEHIND THEMOR--

>> NO, I AM THEM.

( LAUGHTER )>> THAT IS WISCONSIN!

>> CHRIS: WISCONSIN!

LET'S GO BACK TO A TIME WHEN MENWERE MEN AND PEOPLE TALKED LIKE

THIS A LOT FOR NO REASON, ANDI'D LIKE YOU TO GIVE ME SOME

OLD-TIMEY EMERGENCIES YOU MIGHTHAVE CALLED BACK THEN WHEN THE

PHONES LINES FIRST OPENED UP.

LET'S BEGIN.

EMILY.

>> I ASKED FOR A CRUMPET AND GOTA SCONE.

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS.

KUMAIL.

>> HELP, MY BICYCLE WHEELS ARETHE SAME SIZE!

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

JONAH.

>> HELLO?

POLICE?

I FOUND A WOMAN, AND SHE'STRYING TO VOTE IN AN ELECTION.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

( APPLAUSE )KUMAIL.

>> HEY, GUYS, I THINK GERMANY'SUP TO SOMETHING.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

JONAH RAY.

>> MY FACTORY'S ON FIRE.

SEND MORE IRISH!

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

OR CHILDREN, WHATEVER.

>> HEY, GUYS, IT'S ME AGAIN.

I CALLED 25 YEARS AGO.

I THINK GERMANY'S UP TOSOMETHING AGAIN.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

EMILY.

>> MY RICKETS HAVE CHOLERA.

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS.

KUMAIL.

>> HELP, THE RACES ARE MIXING!

THE RACES ARE MIXING!

>> CHRIS: HEY, YOU GUYS AREMIXING RACES.