John Oliver: Terrifying Times

  • Season 1, Ep 101
  • 04/20/2008

John Oliver explains how to politely invade a country, why every American owes him a cup of tea and which creationist ideas are best.

ABOUT THIS HORRENDOUSSITUATION,

PLEASE GIVEA WARM RESPONSE

TO PROFESSORANDY ZALTZMAN.

( cheering and applause )

THERE WE GO, ANDY.

HELLO, AMERICA.

SO, ANDY, FIRST OFF,

ARE THERE ANY FACTS LEFTIN THE WAR ON TERROR?

THERE'S ONE FACT, JOHN,BUT IT SHOULD BE ENOUGHFOR ANYONE,

AND THAT FACT IS THIS--BRITAIN AND AMERICA,

THE TWO COUNTRIESMOST COMMITTED TOTHE WAR ON TERROR

ALSO HAVETHE WESTERN WORLD'SHIGHEST RATES

- OF TEENAGE PREGNANCY.- REALLY?

NOW THIS FACT

SUGGESTS TO METWO THINGS.

ONE: THAT THE WARON TERROR

IS REALLY GIVINGOUR TEENAGERS THE HORN.

AND TWO: IT SUGGESTSTHAT AS NATIONS

WE GET OVEREXCITEDAT THE PROSPECT OFAN EASY CONQUEST

WITHOUT REALLY THINKINGABOUT THE LONG-TERMCONSEQUENCES.

- ( laughter and applause )- RIGHT. BUT, ANDY--

ANDY, YOU AREA MAN OF SCIENCE.

IS THEREANY HOPE LEFT?

THE WAR ON TERROR,CONTRARY TO POPULAR BELIEF,

IS ACTUALLYBASED ON A ROCK-SOLIDSCIENTIFIC PRINCIPLE.

NAMELY, THE WASP'S NESTPRINCIPLE

WHICH STATESTHAT IF YOU'VE BEENSTUNG BY A WASP,

THE BEST THING TO DOIS TO FOLLOW THAT WASP

BACK TO ITS NESTAND HIT THE NESTWITH A BIG STICK.

AND THEN JUST KEEPREPEATEDLY HITTING THE NESTWITH A BIG STICK

UNTIL THE STRIPYLITTLE TURD HAS LEARNTITS LESSON.

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT ELSE

MAKES PERFECTHARD-BOILED-EGGSCIENTIFIC SENSE, JOHN,

AND THAT ISCURTAILING CIVIL LIBERTIES.

RIGHT, YOU'RE GONNAHAVE TO EXPLAIN THAT.

RIGHT, OKAY.NOW THE TERRORISTSHATE OUR FREEDOMS.

THAT'S REALLY ALL THATGETS THEM OUT OF BEDIN THE MORNINGS.

- RIGHT.- SO OUR GOVERNMENTS

HAVE BEEN BRAVELYREMOVING THOSE FREEDOMS,

THEREBY GIVINGTHE TERRORISTSLESS TO HATE.

OH, IT'S BRILLIANT.

- SCIENCE.- IT'S ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT.

THAT'S EXTREMELY HELPFUL.PROFESSOR ANDY ZALTZMAN,LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

THIS EVENINGTO TELL YOU THIS--

THAT IT'S NOT EASYBEING BRITISH,

AS KERMITSO NEARLY SANG.

THE REASON BEING,IT IS IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME

AS A BRITISH CITIZENTO GO INTO ANY MUSEUM

IN ANY NATIONON THE PLANET EARTH

WITHOUTWITHIN FIVE MINUTES

STARTINGTO FEEL GUILTY.

YOU HAVE NO IDEAWHAT THAT FEELS LIKE.

YOU WILL.OH, YOU WILL.

ONE DAY ALL THIS SHAMEWILL BE YOURS,

MY AMERICAN FRIENDS,FOR YOU HAVE TAKEN

THE BATONOF IMPERIALISM FROM US

AND YOU ARERUNNING WITH ITQUITE IMPRESSIVELY.

- I DON'T DENY THAT.- ( applause )

I DON'T DENY THAT.

IN AROUND 50 YEARSYOU'LL HAND IT OVERTO CHINA

WHO ARE WAITINGLIKE A COILED SPRING,

AND THEY WILL SPRINTTOWARDS ARMAGEDDON.

AND THAT IS HOWTHE WORLD WILL END.

SPOILER ALERT.

NOW IT'S NOTYOUR FAULT.

IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.

AMERICA RECEIVESSO MUCH CRITICISMFOR WHAT IT DOES NOW

WITH ITS FOREIGN POLICY,WHEREAS THE ONLY MISTAKEYOU'VE MADE IS

THAT YOU'RE DOINGWHAT YOU'RE DOING NOW

IN THE ERAOF 24-HOUR CABLE NEWS.

WE DIDN'T DO THAT.

IN MANY WAYSTHAT WAS OUR SINGLESLICE OF GENIUS.

I, FOR ONE, AM GLADTHAT THE AMRITSAR MASSACREIN INDIA

WAS CAPTUREDONLY IN WATERCOLOR...

AND THERE WASN'TAN AWKWARD-LOOKINGREPORTER

WITH A MONOCLEAND A HANDLEBAR MUSTACHE

STANDING IN FRONTOF IT, SAYING, "UH-OH,BIT OF A KAFUFFLE HERE.

THIS HAS ESCALATED

INTO SOMETHINGOF A BALLYHOO.

DETAILS ARE SKETCHY.

THIS HAS BEENBARNABY WAPPLETHORPE.BACK TO YOU IN THE STUDIO.

WE'RE SUPPOSED TOUSE OUR POWER

TO BUY FAIR TRADE PRODUCTS.BUT AGAIN,

WHAT IS FAIR TRADEWHEN YOU BOIL IT DOWN

OTHER THAN BASICHUMAN POLITENESS?

IT SEEMS SADTHAT WE ARE REWARDING

FUNDAMENTAL DECENCYWITH ITS OWN LABEL.

I, FOR INSTANCE,HAVE NEVER KILLED ANYONE.

WHERE'S MYSPECIAL STICKER?

RATHER THAN PRAISINGFAIR TRADE,

WE NEED TO BE DEMONIZINGUNFAIR TRADE.

SO I SUGGEST THATFROM TOMORROW ONWARDS

ALL UNFAIRLY TRADEDPRODUCTS

SHOULD BE FORCEDTO CARRY THIS LOGO.

- ( laughter )- IT'S--

IT'S A CARTOON

OF AN INTERNATIONALBUSINESSMAN

URINATING UPONAN AFRICAN BOY.

NOW THAT'S--I'M NOT A GRAPHICDESIGNER,

IT'S JUSTTHE FIRST DRAFT,

BUT I THINKTHAT MIGHT REALLY HELPNAG AT YOUR SUBCONSCIOUS

WHEN YOU'RE QUEUING UPIN THE SUPERMARKET

WITH A BASKETFULOF SHATTERED LIVES.

AND YETI'M A HYPOCRITE.

HOW DARE ISTAND HERE

AND LECTURE YOUABOUT ECONOMICS?

I'M A COMEDIAN.

WE ARE THE WORSTOFFENDERS OUT THERE.

I TRY AND WRITE NEW MATERIALAS MUCH AS I CAN,

BUT UNFORTUNATELY,RECENTLY I'VE BEEN FORCED

TO OUTSOURCEMY JOKE-WRITING OPERATION

TO A LITTLE 10-YEAR-OLDINDONESIAN BOY.

THE REASON BEING,I'VE BECOME

FAR TOO EXPENSIVETO HIRE MYSELF NOW.

IT'S THE WAYTHE COMEDIC MARKETSARE GOING ACROSS AMERICA.

AND SO I'VE HEARTLESSLYHAD TO LAY MYSELF OFF

AND INSTEAD ALL MY JOKESARE WRITTEN

BY LULUK WAHIDWHO LIVES AND WORKS

IN A HUT ON JAVA.

THERE HE IS.

HE WORKS MAINLY.HE'S A REAL WORKER.

SO I THOUGHTTHIS EVENING

I'D GET LULUKTO WRITE A COUPLEOF NEW JOKES FOR YOU.

SO I BROUGHT ONE OF HISBLOOD-SPLATTERED NOTEBOOKS.

MOST OF HIS MATERIALIS OBSERVATIONAL STUFF

ABOUT WHAT IT'S LIKETO BE A LITTLE 10-YEAR-OLDINDONESIAN BOY.

IT'S QUITE A NICE ONE,THIS, ACTUALLY.

WHAT'S UP WITH THE GUYHITTING ME WITHA BIG STICK?

WHAT'S GOING ON THERE?

SO TRUE.SO TRUE.

THAN ANY HYPOTHETICALTERRORIST ATTACK

IS THE ENVIRONMENTALCRISIS WE'RE FACING.

IN FACT,WE'RE CONSTANTLY TOLD

BY CAMPAIGN GROUPSSUCH AS GREENPEACE

THAT WE MUST INVEST MOREIN ALTERNATIVE ENERGIES

LIKE WIND FARMS.BUT I'M HERE TO TELL YOU

THAT'S ACTUALLYA TERRIBLE IDEA.

THE REASON BEING,IT TURNS OUT

WIND HAS ACTUALLY BEENHORRIFICALLY OVERFARMED

OVER THE LAST20 YEARS.

AND IF WE KEEPFARMING IT AT THIS RATE,

BY 2040 THERE WILL BENO WIND WHATSOEVER.

AND KITES WILL JUST LIELIKE CORPSES IN PARKS.

IS THAT A WORLDYOU WANT TO LIVE IN?

OF COURSE IT ISN'T.THEN LET'S SASHAY UPTO ALASKA, HIPPIES,

AND DON'T STOP DRILLINGTILL YOU HIT KANGAROOS.

WE HAVETO DO SOMETHING.

WE'RE SO TERRIFIED

OF ANY RISINGGAS PRICES NOW,

PEOPLE HAVE BEEN SEENAT RECENT OIL SLICKS

WEDGING SEAGULLSDIRECTLY INTO THEIRGAS TANKS

SCREAMING,"I'VE GOT TO GET TO WORK.

KEEP STILL ANDTUCK YOUR -- WINGS IN.

IF YOU STAYUNTIL THE OTHER END,I WILL BUY YOU A FISH.

I WILL BUY YOUA FISH."

COULD IT NOT BE

THAT WE HAVE NOW STARTEDTO CARE TOO MUCHABOUT ANIMALS?

I CAN PROVE TO YOUHOW THIS COULD BE TRUE.

DURING THE RECENT FLOODSIN NEW ORLEANS

ONE NEWSPAPER IN AMERICARAN WITH THE HEADLINE,

"TURTLE SAVED."

IT WAS ABOUTA GREEN SEA TURTLECALLED MIDAS

WHO HAD BEENRESCUED.

AND IT WAS ONLY THENTHAT I REALIZED

JUST HOW FARDOWN THE PECKING ORDER

BLACK PEOPLE STILL AREIN AMERICA.

( audience groaning )

BECAUSE, CORRECT MEIF I'M WRONG, THE SYSTEMSEEMS TO BE--

FIRST YOU SAVEWHITE PEOPLE,

THEN TURTLES,

THEN HAVE A SECONDLOOK AROUND

FOR ANY WHITE PEOPLEYOU MAY HAVE MISSED

OR ANY TURTLE PICTURESOR BOOKS ABOUT TURTLES,

AND THENAND ONLY THEN

DO YOU LET BLACK PEOPLEINTO THE BOAT.

BUT ONLY IF THEY PROMISENOT TO TOUCH

THE MASSIVEORNAMENTAL TURTLE.

AS A COMEDIANBY JOURNALISTSIS ALWAYS THE SAME

AND IT'S "WHEN DID YOUFIRST REALIZE

YOU WANTED TO BEA COMEDIAN?"

AND YOU NEVER HEARTHE HONEST RESPONSEFROM PEOPLE, WHICH IS,

"WELL, WHEN ALLTHE CAREER DREAMSMY PARENTS HAD FOR ME

DIED IN THE GUTTERLIKE A FAIRGROUND FISH."

YOU TEND NOT TO HEAR THAT.PERHAPS YOU SHOULDHEAR IT MORE.

OF COURSE,THE TRUTH IS,

NO CHILD WANTSTO BE A COMEDIAN.

IF YOU HAVE A CHILDWHO WANTS TO BE A COMEDIAN,

YOU HAVEA TERRIBLE CHILD.

BECAUSE WHEN YOU'RE LITTLE,LIFE IS INHERENTLY FUNNY.

I REMEMBER THE FIRST TIMEI SAW AN ADULT FALL OVER,

THINKING, "WOW,

MAYBE EVERYTHING'SGONNA BE ALL RIGHT."

AND ANYWAY,YOU ONLY HAVE

A TWO-PRONGEDCAREER STRATEGYAS A CHILD.

ONE IS TO BECOMEAN ICE-CREAM TYCOON,

AND THE OTHER ISTO BECOME A GIRAFFE.

AND...

IF YOU GET CLOSETO EITHER OF THOSE,

YOU'RE PROBABLYGONNA BE HAPPY.

I DIDN'T EVENWANT TO BE THOSE.

WHAT I WANTED TO BEWHEN I WAS GROWING UP

- WAS AN ATHLETE.- ( no laughter )

AND -- YOU, NEW YORK.YES, I DID.

I DID NOT CAREFOR THAT JUDGMENTAL SILENCEONE BIT.

"REALLY?

AN ATHLETE, JOHN?INTERESTING. AN ATHLETE."

AND THE WORD "ATHLETE"MEANS THE SAME IN BRITAIN

AS IT DOES HERE,DOES IT?

TO ACHIEVETHROUGH ATHLETIC PROWESS?

"REALLY?AND WHAT SPORT WAS IT

IN BRITAINWHICH REWARDSA CONCAVE CHEST?

HMM?DID YOU PERHAPS PLAN

ON BECOMING A SAIL?"

WELL, NO.

NO, I DIDN'T.

WOW, YOU SAY A LOTIN A SINGLE SILENCE.

IN FACT, I'LL GOFURTHER THAN THAT AND SAY

THESE ARETHE GREATEST DAYSFOR EXAGGERATION

IN THE HISTORYOF THE PLANET EARTH.

ANOTHER TERROR ATTACKON THE WESTERN WORLD

SEEMS INCREASINGLYINEVITABLE,

IF INEVITABILITYCAN IN FACT INCREASE.

IF THIS ISRELIGION'S FAULT,

THEN FRANCEHAVE DONE SOMETHINGVERY INTERESTING RECENTLY

AND THEY HAVE BANNED

THE WEARINGOF RELIGIOUS CLOTHINGIN ALL OF THEIR SCHOOLS.

SO IT'S ALL GONE--THE CROSS, THE BURKE,

THE BAGUETTES,THE YARMULKE--ALL GONE.

"THE BAGUETTES."

ISN'T COMEDY FUN?

I GUESS,THE WAY I SEE IT,

THEY'VE GOTTWO OTHER OPTIONS.

OPTION ONE--FORCE CHILDREN

TO WEAR AS MANY ITEMSOF RELIGIOUS CLOTHING

AS IT IS POSSIBLE TO FITON TOP OF THEIR TINY FRAMES,

LIKE A THEOLOGICALBUCKAROO.

THUS, CATHOLIC KIDSWOULD BE FORCED

TO WALK AROUND ALL DAYWEARING MASSIVE POPE HATS,

SWINGING INCENSE AROUNDLIKE A RUSSIAN HAMMER THROWER.

ATHEIST CHILDRENWILL BE FORCED TO WEAR

SANDWICH BOARDS READING,"THIS IS IT.

THIS IS ALL THERE IS,YOU KNOW.

WE ARE JUST DUST,

DUST IN THE WINDOF HISTORY."

AND MUSLIM CHILDREN...

( mumblingincomprehensibly )

OR OPTION TWO--

FORCE CHILDREN TO WEARTHE EXACT OPPOSITEOF THEIR RELIGION.

THUS, HINDU CHILDRENWILL BE FORCED TO DRESS UPAS PANTOMIME COWS.

JEHOVAH'S WITNESSESWILL BE FORCED TO DRESS UPAS BLOOD TRANSFUSIONS.

AND MUSLIM CHILDREN...

( mumbling )

SEE?ORGANIZED RELIGIONIS THE ANSWER.

THANK GOD,ALL OF THEM.

AND OF COURSETHE REAL ONE,

WHOEVER HEOR INDEED SHE MAY BE.

I'M JOKING, OF COURSE.HE.

SHOULD RECEIVESO MUCH CRITICISMFOR OUR FOREIGN POLICY

WHEN WE AREDAMAGING THE WORLDIN OTHER WAYS

THAT WE RECEIVELITTLE OR NO CREDIT FOR,

SUCH AS ECONOMICALLY.NOW THIS HAS GOT SO BAD

THAT THERE'S ONLY ONEQUESTION THIS YEAR

ON HARVARD UNIVERSITY'SECONOMICS EXAM.

JUST ONE QUESTIONIN THE MIDDLE

OF A SINGLE SHEETOF PAPER.

AND THAT QUESTION IS--

"KENYA HASTHREE APPLES.

AMERICA WANTSTHOSE APPLES.

HOW MANY APPLESDOES KENYA HAVE?"

NOW...

( chuckles )

IT'S MULTIPLE CHOICE--

A: NO APPLES,

AND THAT'S IT.

KENYA HAS NO APPLES.

NOW I DON'T UNDERSTANDECONOMICS.

I DON'T FUNDAMENTALLY GETHOW IT WORKS.

I'VE LIVED FOR 30 YEARSON THIS PLANET,

TWO ELSEWHERE,

AND I STILL DON'T UNDERSTANDHOW THE SYSTEM WORKS.

TO ME, ECONOMICS ISLIKE THE DUTCH LANGUAGE--

I'M TOLDIT MAKES SENSE,

BUT I SERIOUSLYHAVE MY DOUBTS.

BUT I WANTTO UNDERSTAND ECONOMICS.

I FEEL LIKE I HAVE TO.SO I BOUGHT THIS BOOK RECENTLY

WHICH IS DESIGNEDTO EXPLAIN ECONOMICS

TO SOMEONEWHO DOES NOT HAVE

THE CAPACITYTO UNDERSTAND IT.

AND I LEARNTA KEY LESSON IN IT,

AND THAT ISTHAT ANY NATION'SECONOMIC STRENGTH

IS SOLELY IN THE HANDSOF ITS CITIZENS.

IN YOUR ABILITYTO CONSUME.

OR IF YOU WANT TO BEREALLY GREAT,

IN YOUR ABILITYTO BUY --.

THAT IS WHY

AMERICA IS THE GREATESTECONOMY ON EARTH--

BECAUSE YOU PEOPLECANNOT BE BEATEN.

AS A CITIZEN OF THE WORLD,LET ME TELL YOU,

IT IS INTIMIDATING.

I HAVE BEENTO YOUR MALLS.

THEY ARE CATHEDRALSTO BULL--.

IT'S GONNA GET ANY BETTER,

LET ME BURST THAT BUBBLEOF OPTIMISM NOW,

BECAUSE I WASFORTUNATE ENOUGHLAST YEAR

TO BE INVITEDTO THE FIRST

REPUBLICAN PRESIDENTIALCANDIDATE DEBATE

IN SIMI VALLEYIN CALIFORNIA,

WHICH INTERESTINGLY WAS

EXACTLY AS MUCH FUN

AS IT SOUNDS.

BUT IT WAS, OBVIOUSLY,A PRIVILEGE TO BE THERE.

AND I DID GETTO WITNESS

ONE INCREDIBLE MOMENTOF POLITICAL THEATER

WHEN ALL--AT THAT POINT 10--

POTENTIAL LEADERSOF THE FREE WORLD

WERE ASKEDTHE SAME QUESTION.AND THAT QUESTION WAS

"WHO HEREDOESN'T BELIEVE

IN EVOLUTION?"

AND THREEOF THOSE MEN

RAISED THEIR HANDS.

AND THEN NONE OF THOSETHREE MEN

PUT THEIR HANDS DOWNAND SAID,

"ONLY JOKING."

AND THEIR CONFIDENCEWAS SEDUCTIVE.

AND I STARTEDLOOKING INTO THESEGROUPS IN AMERICA--

CAMPAIGN GROUPSWHO WANT US TOPUT STICKERS

ON THE FRONT OF ALLSCHOOL SCIENCE TEXTBOOKS

EXPLAINING THAT EVOLUTIONIS ONLY ONE

POSSIBLE THEORYOF LIFE ON EARTH.

NOW ALTHOUGHTHIS SEEMS

LIKE A STUPID IDEA

AT FIRST, SECOND

AND 39th GLANCE,

LOOK AT ITONCE MORE.

GIVE ITTHAT 40th VIEW

BECAUSE IT'S BRILLIANT.

LET'S HAVE STICKERSON THE FRONT OF ALL BOOKS.

SLAP ONE ON THE FRONTOF THE BIBLE SAYING,

"OF COURSE, THIS COULDALL BE BULL--.

MAYBE HE NEVER DIED.

PERHAPS HE OPENEDA DONKEY SANCTUARY.

HE HAD A CLEAR BONDWITH DONKEYS."

OR SLAP ONEON THE FRONT OFTHE THEORY OF GRAVITY--

"LOOK, IT'S JUSTONE MAN'S OPINION.MAYBE WE CAN ALL FLY.

R. KELLYBELIEVED IT SO.

WHY WOULD HELIE TO US?

WHAT DOES HE POSSIBLYSTAND TO GAIN?"

( applause and cheering )

John Oliver: THE WORLD--

HOME TO OVER SIX BILLION RESIDENTS

AND HUNDREDS OF RELIGIOUS FIGUREHEADS,

INCLUDING GOD,

BUDDHA,

VISHNU

AND THE PROPHET MOHAMMED.

( audience laughing )

ON THIS EARTH IN 1977

A CHILD WAS BORN WHO WOULD 30 YEARS LATER

ATTEMPT TO MAKE SENSE OF IT ALL.

TONIGHT IS THAT NIGHT.

THIS IS THAT BOY.PLEASE SHOW APPRECIATION

IN WHATEVER MANNERYOU FEEL APPROPRIATE

FOR JOHN OLIVER!

( audience cheering,upbeat music playing )

YES. YES.

YES.

THANK YOU.THANK YOU.

THANK YOU VERY MUCHFOR COMING HERETHIS EVENING.

NOW STRAIGHTOFF THE BAT

I WANTEDTO MAKE ONE THINGPERFECTLY CLEAR--

I AM GOING TO BESPEAKING TO YOUTHIS EVENING

WITH A BRITISH ACCENT.

SO DO BE PREPAREDFOR THE WORDS YOU HEAR

TO COME WITHA LITTLE MORE AUTHORITYTHAN YOU'RE USED TO.

AND YOU COULD HAVESPOKEN LIKE THIS.

THAT'S THE TRAGEDY.

THIS COULD HAVE BEENYOUR VOICE.

THESE SONOROUSVOWEL SOUNDS

COULD HAVE SPEWEDFROM YOUR MOUTHS.

AND ALL YOU HAD TO DO,ALL YOU HAD TO DO

WAS JUSTNOT THROW OFF KING TEA

INTO BOSTON HARBOR.

AND YOUCOULDN'T DO IT.

THE ONLY TIMETHAT COULD HAVE BEENACCEPTABLE

WOULD HAVE BEENIF YOU'D THOUGHTTO PRE-BOIL THE OCEAN,

MAYBE ADDA SPLASH OF MILK.

I DON'T PRETENDTO KNOW HOW YOU TAKE IT.

THE NEWS IS INCREDIBLYDEPRESSING, AND

IN FACT, I WANTEDTO CHALLENGE MYSELF RECENTLY

TO SEE IF I COULD WATCHEIGHT STRAIGHT HOURSUNINTERRUPTED--

EIGHT CONSECUTIVE HOURSOF FOX NEWS.

- ( audience groans )- AND, WELL, INTERESTING,

BECAUSE I ACTUALLYWON THAT CHALLENGEAGAINST MYSELF.

AND YET IN WINNING IT,I WORRY

I MAY HAVE LOSTSOMETHING DEEP DOWNIN MY SOUL

THAT I'M STRUGGLINGTO CLAW BACK.

BECAUSE IT IS AROUNDTHE FOURTH STRAIGHT HOUR

OF MAINLININGFOX NEWS

THAT IT HITS YOUTHAT YOU COULD GRABANY FOX JOURNALIST

SQUARE BY THE SHOULDERS,

SHAKE THEMBACKWARDS AND FORWARDSAND SCREAM INTO THEIR FACE,

"BE WORSEAT YOUR JOB,"

AND THEY'D BE ENTITLEDTO LOOK STRAIGHT BACK AT YOU

AND SAY,

"HOW?"

AND YOU'D HAVENOTHING TO SAY TO THEM.

YOU'D BE LEFTWITH NOTHING TO SAY

OTHER THAN PERHAPS,"GOOD POINT."

YOU COULD WALKINTO THE FOX NEWS ROOM

IN WHATEVER VOLCANOIT IS THEY'RE CURRENTLYBROADCASTING FROM,

YOU COULD PUNCHTHE FIRST PERSON WHO WALKSPAST YOU IN THE FACE

AND KNOW THAT DEEP DOWNTHEY PROBABLY DESERVED IT.

THE NEWS IS NOWSO DEPRESSING,

SO SAD,

THAT IT'S BECOMETOO EASY

TO GET DESENSITIZED

AND YOU FIND ITIMPOSSIBLE TO HAVE

ANY POWERFUL FEELINGSABOUT ANYTHING ANYMORE.

THIS HIT ME RECENTLYWHEN I REALIZED

THERE ISONLY ONE THING NOW

THAT WILL UNCONDITIONALLYREDUCE ME TO TEARS.

AND IT'S NOTHUMAN SUFFERING,

IT'S NOT POLAR BEARS

STANDING ON TINYPIECES OF ICE,

ALTHOUGH I KNOWI SHOULD BE.

THE ONLY THING NOWWHICH WILL UNCONDITIONALLYMAKE ME WEEP

IS SLOW-MOTION SEQUENCESOF SPORTING TRIUMPHANT FAILURE

SET TO ROCK BALLADSFROM THE 1980s.

THAT IS ALLI'VE GOT LEFT NOW.

THE WORLD HAS TAKENEVERYTHING ELSEAWAY FROM ME.

I CANNOT CRYAT FUNERALS,

AND YET YOU COULDSHOW ME AN OLYMPIAN--

MAYBE NOT A FAVORITE,MAYBE NO ONE EXPECTS HIMTO WIN,

BUT FOR A LITTLE KIDIN THE CROWD

WHO'S MADE A HOMEMADE SIGNSAYING, "RUN, MAN, RUN"

'CAUSE HE CAN'T SPELLTHE MAN'S NAME.

MAYBE HE DOES RUNAND MAYBE HE WINSTHAT RACE,

AND MAYBE YOU SETTHE WHOLE THING TO"I BELIEVE I CAN FLY,"

AND IF YOU'RE NOTALREADY WEEPING

AT THE VERYTHOUGHT OF THAT,YOU ARE DEAD INSIDE!

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