Cole, Kennedy, Beckwith, Wells

  • Season 4, Ep 0405
  • 01/07/2001

ANYBODY HERE HAVE INSECTS AT

THEIR HOUSE?

SPIDERS?

ANTS?

I GOT A LOT OF SPIDERS AT MY

HOUSE, MAN.

HERE'S WHAT YOU DO TO GET RID OF

SPIDERS.

GO OUT, CATCH SOME FLIES,

DIP 'EM IN TABASCO SAUCE

AND FLICK 'EM INTO THE WEB.

(LAUGHTER)

THOSE SPIDERS DON'T STICK AROUND

LONG AFTER THAT, MY FRIEND.

YOU GOT TO FEEL BAD FOR FLIES,

THOUGH, HUH?

LOWLY LITTLE THING ON

THE TOTEM POLE.

IT'S LIKE WHAT HAPPENED WHEN

THEY WERE GIVING THAT OUT?

IT'S LIKE, LION.

"LION, YOU WILL BE KING OF

THE BEASTS AND REIGN SUPREME

OVER ALL OTHER CREATURES.

FLY, YOU WILL FLY ALL AROUND

AND WHEN YOU GET TIRED, YOU WILL

LAND ON POO."

(LAUGHTER)

"AND YOU WILL LAY YOUR EGGS ON

THAT POO, AND YOUR CHILDREN WILL

BE BORN IN THAT POO.

WELCOME TO THE WORLD."

I LIKE ANTS, THOUGH, MAN.

CUTE LITTLE BROWN ANTS.

HAVE YOU SEEN THOSE LITTLE

CUTIE-PIES?

I HATE IT WHEN I'M OVER AT

THE HOUSE AND I SEE THEM, LIKE--

SOMEHOW THEY GOT BLOWN INTO

THE POOL AND THEY'RE JUST

FLOATING ON TOP OF THE WATER.

THEY'RE TOO LIGHT TO SINK,

SO THEY JUST HAVE TO PADDLE.

I DON'T WANT 'EM TO DIE LIKE

THAT.

THAT'S TOO SLOW AND LONG.

SO I GO IN THE HOUSE.

I GET MY BOX OF CHEERIOS.

(LAUGHTER)

(AUDIENCE CHEERS)

AND I THROW 'EM A LITTLE LIFE

RAFT.

AND IF THEY GET HUNGRY ON THE

PADDLE BACK TO THE SHORE,

THEY CAN NIBBLE ON THEIR LITTLE

LIFE RAFT.

>> MALE AU

I LOVE YOU.

>> HARLAND: UH, I'M STRAIGHT.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

YOU MEAN LOVE-LOVE, LIKE AS A

FELLOW HUMAN BEING; RIGHT,

BUDDY?

LIKE IF WE WERE A COUPLE OF

FLIES SITTING ON A PIECE OF POO.

WHAT'S YOUR NAME, BUDDY?

JASON.

WHAT DO YOU DO, FRIEND?

A STUDENT.

>> AUDIENCE MEMBER:

I'M AN ACTOR.

AN ACTOR.

WHO'S YOUR FAVORITE ACTOR?

I'LL DO AN IMPRESSION FOR YOU,

BUDDY.

I'LL DO A VOICE.

>> AUDIENCE MEMBER:

ROBERT DENIRO.

>> HARLAND: ROBERT DENIRO.

OKAY, BUDDY.

HERE WE GO.

THIS IS--

THIS IS JACK NICHOLSON.

(LAUGHTER)

FROM THE MOVIE "THE SHINING,"

BUT IN SPANISH.

(LAUGHTER)

(IMITATING NICHOLSON)

"ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FREAKING

MIND, PEDRO?"

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

HEY, LET ME ASK YOU THIS.

ANYBODY HERE HAVE--

ANYBODY GOT LITTLE KIDS?

ANYBODY GOT LITTLE KIDS?

ANYBODY REPRODUCE, ANYTHING LIKE

THAT?

YEAH?

ARE THEY GOOD KIDS?

YOU LIE.

NO 6-YEAR-OLD IS GOOD.

THEY'RE ALL GILA MONSTERS,

ALL OF 'EM.

YOU EVER SEE THEM IN THE STORES?

SEE, PARENTS DON'T TELL THE

TRUTH.

YOU GOT TO TELL THE TRUTH ABOUT

YOUR KIDS.

YOU EVER SEE THOSE MOMS?

"OH, MY DAUGHTER.

OH, SHE IS THE JOY OF MY LIFE.

OH, SHE BRINGS ME--

OH, I'M SO HAPPY TO BE WITH HER

EVERY DAY."

AND THEN YOU SEE THE SAME MOM

AND KID IN THE STORE.

THE KID'S LIKE A DAMN

GILA MONSTER, JUST RUNNING

AROUND...

(LAUGHTER)

JUST WALKING LIKE...

(MONSTER NOISES)

"IS THAT YOUR BABY?"

"THAT'S HER.

ISN'T SHE SWEET?"

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING RIGHT

NOW.

THERE ARE TWO KIND OF MOMS

IN AMERICA-- TWO.

THERE'S A GOOD MOM AND A VIOLENT

MOM.

YOU EVER SEE A MOM GET SO BAD

THAT WHEN YOU TALK TO THEM THEIR

TEETH DON'T MOVE.

JUST THE LIPS GO UP AND DOWN?

YOU EVER SEE THAT MOM?

"PUT IT DOWN, PUT IT DOWN,

PUT IT DOWN."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

YOU EVER SEE THIS?

IT'S SAD TO SEE.

YOU EVER BEEN IN A STORE BEFORE

AND SEE A MOM THAT'S GOT LIKE

5 OR 6 KIDS?

AND SHE CAN'T CONTROL ANY OF

THE KIDS.

KIDS JUST RUNNING AROUND,

KNOCKING STUFF OFF THE SHELF,

JUST YELLING AT PEOPLE FOR

NO REASON.

YOU FEEL BAD FOR THE WOMAN.

SO WALK UP AND DO LIKE I DO.

I'LL JUST SAY, "EXCUSE ME,

MA'AM.

I NOTICE YOU WERE HAVING SOME

TROUBLE WITH YOUR CHILDREN,

AND IT WOULD BE MY PLEASURE TO

SLAP THE HELL OUT OF THAT ONE

RIGHT THERE.

YEAH."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

"OH, I CAN GET TO HIM.

OH, YEAH.

I'LL RUN HIM DOWN TO GET HIM.

OH, YEAH.

THAT'S NOT A PROBLEM."

AND, SEE, YOU KNOW MOMS LOVE YA

UNTIL YOU PISS 'EM OFF.

AND THE WRONG TIME TO PISS MOM

OFF IS WHEN SHE DRIVES A CAR.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING.

'CAUSE WHEN THEY DRIVE,

THEY DON'T REALLY CARE ABOUT

HUMAN LIFE.

YOU KNOW.

WE KNOW THAT.

WE'VE ALL BEEN THERE, 6,

7 YEARS OLD.

YOU'RE IN THE BACK.

SHE'S IN THE FRONT.

YOU'RE THINKING, "WELL, HEY.

I'M BACK HERE.

SHE'S UP THERE.

SHE CAN'T DO NOTHING TO ME BACK

HERE."

YOU'RE IN THE BACK JUST MESSING

WITH MOM.

♪ MA, MA, MA, MA, MA, MA

♪ MA, MA, MA, MA, MA, MA"

OUT OF NOWHERE--

(LAUGHTER)

"MA?

MA-MA?

HOW-- HOW'D YOU DO THAT?

MAMA?"

SO THEN WH

YOU GROW UP.

YOU MEET SOMEBODY.

YOU FALL IN LOVE, AND YOU LIVE

HAPPILY EVER AFTER.

>> HAPPY: THANK YOU.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

LISTEN.

HOW MANY PEOPLE IN LOVE?

WHO'S IN LOVE TONIGHT?

ANYBODY IN LOVE?

LOOK AT THAT.

ABOUT 8 PEOPLE.

THAT'S IT.

WOMEN ARE BETTER AT LOVE BECAUSE

WOMEN CAN DO THINGS THAT MEN

CANNOT DO.

FOR EXAMPLE, WOMEN CAN HIDE

THINGS FROM A MAN FOR A VERY

LONG TIME.

I'LL TAKE MY HAT OFF TO YOU,

LADIES.

YOU CAN DO THAT.

THE FIRST TWO YEARS YOU DATE A

WOMAN, SHE IS FLAWLESS.

FLAW-LESS.

SHE WAKES UP LOOKING LIKE A

BEAUTY QUEEN.

SHE GOES TO BED LOOKING LIKE A

BEAUTY QUEEN.

AND WHEN SHE'S SLEEPS THE NIGHT,

SHE JUST PURRS LIKE A LITTLE

KITTY CAT ALL NIGHT.

AND WE LAY THERE IN AMAZEMENT.

"GOOD NIGHT, HONEY."

(PURRING)

"OH, KITTY, KITTY, KITTY, KITTY.

I LOVE YOU, KITTY."

(PURRING)

TWO YEARS.

THIRD YEAR, NO MORE KITTY CAT.

KITTY CAT GONE.

THIRD YEAR.

"GOOD NIGHT, HONEY."

(SNORING LOUDLY)

"IS THAT YOU, PUMPKIN?"

(SNORING CONTINUES)

"WHAT'D YOU DO, EAT THE KITTY

CAT?

WHERE THE HELL'S THE KITTY CAT?"

WOMEN CAN DO THINGS-- I DON'T

KNOW HOW THEY DO THEM, BUT WOMEN

ARE JUST AMAZING, WHAT THEY DO.

I DON'T KNOW HOW THEY DO IT.

WOMEN CAN CRY WHEN THEY WANT

TO CRY.

I HAVE NO IDEA HOW YOU DO IT,

LADIES.

NO WARNING, NO WARM-UP,

NO NOTHING.

JUST WALK UP TO 'EM.

"HEY, HONEY.

HOW WAS YOUR DAY?"

(SCREECH'S)

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

"WELL, HONEY, WHAT'S WRONG?"

"NOTHING."

"THEN WHY YOU CRYING?"

"I'M ALL RIGHT.

I JUST WANTED TO MAKE YOU FEEL

BAD."

AND LADIES ALWAYS SAID THAT MEN

ARE NOT SENSITIVE.

WE DON'T FEEL THINGS LIKE YOU

GUYS DO.

SEE, THAT'S NOT WHAT IT IS.

WE JUST SHOW EMOTION IN A

DIFFERENT MANNER.

THAT'S ALL THE PROBLEM IS RIGHT

THERE.

I WAS GOING OUT WITH THIS GIRL

A LONG TIME OKAY-- RIGHT?--

HAD A LITTLE ARGUMENT ABOUT THE

RELATIONSHIP.

SHE YELLED AT ME.

SHE WAS LIKE, "LOOK.

I NEED TO KNOW WHAT DIRECTION

THIS THING IS GOING IN."

AND I WAS LIKE, "WELL, YOU MIGHT

WANT TO PACK YOUR BAG,

GET THE HELL OUT!"

NOW, I DIDN'T MEAN TO SAY THAT.

I WANTED TO SAY, "PERHAPS YOU'RE

RIGHT.

LET'S TALK ABOUT IT."

BUT SOMEHOW, "PACK YOUR BAGS

AND GET THE HELL OUT," JUST CAME

OUT.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED.

SO SHE STARTED TO CRY.

SHE WAS LIKE, "HOW CAN YOU SAY

THAT TO ME AND NOT CRY

YOURSELF?"

SO I FELT BAD.

I STARTED TO CRY.

YOU KNOW, I WAS LIKE...

(CRYING)

"NOW, PACK YOUR BAGS...

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

"AND GET THE HELL OUT.

BOO-HOO.

BYE-BYE."

I'M HAPPY CO

YOU KNOW?

'CAUSE I ALWAYS TRY TO SLEEP ON

THE AIRPLANES, BUT I CAN NEVER

GET ANY SLEEP 'CAUSE THE CAPTAIN

IS ALWAYS INTERRUPTING MY SLEEP

WITH THOSE STUPID FACTS.

IT'S ALWAYS LIKE, "UH, HEY,

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

THIS IS YOUR, UH, CAPTAIN

SPEAKING.

WE'RE ABOUT...

(LAUGHTER)

9,000 MILES FROM OUR

DESTINATION."

"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SPEAKING.

TODAY I'M USING A NONDAIRY

CREAMER."

(LAUGHTER)

"HI, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

THIS IS YOUR, UH, CAPTAIN

SPEAKING.

I FORGOT."

(APPLAUSE)

SO I WAS RAISED STRICT CATHOLIC.

ANYBODY HERE CATHOLIC?

(CHEERING)

MY MOTHER MADE ME BE AN ALTAR

BOY WHEN I WAS 10 YEARS OLD.

SO MY JOB WAS TO HOLD THE TRAY

UNDERNEATH PEOPLE'S CHINS IN

CHURCH SO THE BODY OF CHRIST

WOULDN'T HIT THE FLOOR.

NOW, THAT IS AN INTENSE JOB

FOR A 10-YEAR-OLD.

(LAUGHTER)

BUT HERE'S WHAT I WAS THINKING

ABOUT, PEOPLE.

THINK ABOUT THIS.

THAT EUCHARIST IS THE BODY OF

CHRIST, THE SON OF GOD,

THE CREATOR OF THE WHOLE

UNIVERSE.

DON'T YOU THINK HE COULD HAVE

JUST A LITTLE BIT MORE FLAVOR?

(LAUGHTER)

SOMETIMES I GO TO CHURCH WISHING

FOR, LIKE, A SOUR CREAM AND

ONION GOD.

MESQUITE BARBECUE GOD.

A LITTLE SALSA TO DIP GOD INTO.

SO I USED TO LISTEN TO THAT SHOW

ALL THE LOVE PROBLEMS.

(AUDIENCE YELLING)

YEAH.

I DON'T LISTEN TO IT ANYMORE,

'CAUSE I GOT TIRED OF PEOPLE

CALLING UP WITH ALL THEIR STUPID

LOVE PROBLEMS.

PEOPLE CALL UP AND BE LIKE,

"HEY, UH, DR. DREW?

UH, MY LEFT TESTICLE IS TURNING

ORANGE, AND I DON'T KNOW

WHAT TO DO."

"ARE YOU NAKED, SIR?"

"YEAH."

"IS THERE A BAG OF CHEETOS

IN YOUR LAP?"

"OH!

YOU GUYS ARE GOOD."

I USED TO DO A LOT OF BAD JOBS,

ALSO.

AND I USED TO WORK AT THE

SUPERMARKET WHERE I WAS A FOOD

SAMPLER GUY.

AND, LIKE, I ALWAYS HAD THIS

ONE WOMAN.

SHE'D ALWAYS COME UP TO MY TRAY.

AND SHE'D ALWAYS BE LIKE, "UH,

GOT SOMETHING I COULD SNACK ON?

(LAUGHTER)

'CAUSE I'M KIND OF HUNGRY.

(SHRIEKING) OH, WAS THAT HAM!

WHAT'S THAT NASTY LOOKING STUFF

WITH THE OLIVE IN IT?

OH, THAT'S PIMENTO LOAF?

THAT'S WHAT PIMENTO LOAF

LOOKS LIKE?

THAT'S NASTY.

UH-HUH."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

BUT AFTER A WHILE, YOU KNOW,

I COULDN'T REALLY HEAR ANYTHING.

HER VOICE, IT STARTED TO SOUND

LIKE THIS.

(NOISE IN REPLACE OF VOICE)

AND THAT HAS ALWAYS BEEN KIND OF

A WEIRD THING BECAUSE PEOPLE

MAKE ASSUMPTIONS ABOUT YOU JUST

BASED ON THAT.

YOU KNOW?

IT'S LIKE, "OH, ARE YOU A

HOOKER?"

THAT MIGHT BE, THOUGH,

'CAUSE I'M LIKE, "GIVE ME MONEY

FOR SEX."

AND THEY'RE LIKE...

I HELPED MY GRANDMA MOVE

TO LAS VEGAS FROM HER APARTMENT

IN BROOKLYN WHERE SHE LIVED FOR

48 YEARS.

AND MY JOB WAS TO CLEAN OUT ONE

CABINET FULL OF

48 YEARS' WORTH OF EVERY

GREETING CARD SHE'S EVER GOTTEN.

AND IN 48 YEARS, NOT ONE OF

THESE CARDS ACCURATELY DEPICTS

MY GRANDMA.

SHE CLEARLY NEEDS HER OWN LINE

OF GREETING CARDS.

"GRANDMA, FOR ALL THE CANDLES

YOU LIT FOR ME IN CHURCH WHEN

YOU THOUGHT THAT I HAD A

DRINKING PROBLEM.

GOD BLESS YOU ON YOUR SPECIAL

DAY."

I DON'T KNOW WHY IT'S JUST OKAY

TO REMAKE OLD MOVIES.

ESPECIALLY CLASSIC MOVIES.

I JUST THINK-- MY POINT IS,

IF WE'RE GONNA REMAKE MOVIES,

LET'S START WITH THE HORRIBLE

ONES.

"SHOW GIRLS."

"WHO'S TAKING A STAB AT THIS?

SCORSESE, YOU STEPPING UP?

COME ON!"

I ALWAYS GET VERY NERVOUS WHEN I

ACTUALLY MAKE REFERENCE TO A

REAL MOVIE 'CAUSE I'M SURE

SOMEONE IN THE AUDIENCE IS

INVOLVED, AND THEY'RE LIKE,

"SCREW YOU!

THAT'S MY TERRIBLE MOVIE."

AND I'M LIKE, "I'M SO SORRY.

PLEASE PUT ME IN YOUR NEXT

TERRIBLE MOVIE.

I'M SORRY."

I'D JUST LIKE ON START OUT,

IF I MIGHT, BY JUST MENTIONING

UP FRONT THAT I'M GERMAN;

ALL RIGHT?

I KNOW THERE'S A LOT OF BAGGAGE.

THANKS FOR THE SUPPORT.

I APPRECIATE IT.

I KNOW THERE'S A LOT OF BAGGAGE

THAT GOES ALONG WITH MY SAYING

THAT, 'CAUSE I KNOW AS SOON AS

I SAY IT, RIGHT AWAY EVERYONE'S

THINKING, "OH, MY GOD.

THIS GUY IS GONNA BE FUNNY."

YOU KNOW?

AND THEN, UM, WHAT IF I'M NOT?

WHAT IF I'M NOT AS FUNNY AS SOME

OF THE OTHER GERMAN COMICS

YOU'VE SEEN BEFORE?

NO, SERIOUSLY.

BUT THIS IS EXCITING.

WOW.

THIS IS-- THIS IS GREAT TO BE

HERE ON TELEVISION.

FRANKLY, IT'S JUST EXCITING

TO BE OUT OF THE APARTMENT.

I GOT TO BE HONEST WITH YOU.

THIS IS NICE.

BUT I DON'T GET OUT THAT MUCH

NOW THAT I'VE BECOME A SINGLE

FATHER.

AND UH, LET ME JUST--

LET ME JUST USE THIS

OPPORTUNITY--

I APPRECIATE THE SUPPORT--

TO JUST WARN SOME OF THE GUYS IN

THE AUDIENCE.

WHEN YOU'RE OUT DRINKING:

JUST MODERATION.

ALL RIGHT?

TAKE IT EASY.

NO, SERIOUSLY.

(LAUGHTER)

ALL IT TAKES-- ALL IT TAKES IS

ONE IRRESPONSIBLE NIGHT--

RIGHT?--

WHEN YOU GET DRUNK AND YOU

STUMBLE INTO AN ADOPTION AGENCY.

I DON'T EVEN REMEMBER ADOPTING

HIM.

I TOTALLY BLANKED OUT.

BUT, ANYWAY, THAT'S WHAT PHILLIP

SAID HAPPENED.

SO...

PHILLIP'S MY SON.

HE'LL BE 33 IN MAY.

YEAH.

THAT WAS AWKWARD.

SPEAKING OF AWKWARD, OH, MY GOD.

I HAD A PHYSICAL.

THIS IS TWO WEEKS AGO.

AND GUYS IN THE AUDIENCE KNOW.

PHYSICALS ARE ALWAYS JUST SO

UNCOMFORTABLE; RIGHT?

BECAUSE THE DOCTOR DOES THAT

TEST WHERE HE GRABS ON TO YOUR

TESTICLES AND HE SAYS,

"PLEASE COUGH." RIGHT?

THEN HE GRABS A LITTLE HIGHER

AND HE SAYS, "OKAY.

NOW SAY, 'OOH, DR. PILGRIM.

OOH, DOCTOR'..."

(LAUGHTER)

OR WHATEVER YOUR DOCTOR'S NAME

IS.

IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE--

NEVER MIND.

OH, LOOK AT THE TIME.

I, UH, I ACTUALLY GOT TO GET

GOING.

MY GIRLFRIEND FREAKS OUT IF I

DON'T CALL HER EVERY HALF HOUR.

YOU SHOULD SEE MY PHONE BILL.

LAST MONTH, $536.

ONE MONTH.

'CAUSE I ACTUALLY LIVE OVER

IN NEW YORK CITY AND SHE LIVES--

ACTUALLY, IT'S SOMEWHERE AROUND

HERE.

IT'S-- I KEEP FORGETTING.

IT'S THE 900 AREA CODE, WHICH I

GUESS IS HOLLYWOOD OR SOMETHING.

THAT ADDS UP.

THAT ADDS UP.

YOU KNOW?

YOU TALK JUST AN HOUR EVERY

NIGHT.

YOU KNOW?

"I LOVE YOU.

I LOVE IT WHEN YOU TOUCH THAT."

BUT, UH, BUT IT'S GREAT.

IT'S GREAT TO BE IN A

RELATIONSHIP AGAIN.

IT'S SO-- I'VE STRUGGLED.

I'VE STRUGGLED WITH

RELATIONSHIPS.

AND, UH, AND COOKIE THINKS

IT'S 'CAUSE I'M SO SENSITIVE.

YOU KNOW?

SHE SAYS, "YOU'RE SUCH A

SENSITIVE GUY.

WOMEN MY AGE AREN'T INTERESTED

IN A SENSITIVE GUY."

BUT IT'S SO-- IT'S SO UNFAIR,

BECAUSE I GO OUT OF MY WAY NOT

TO TREAT WOMEN LIKE OBJECTS AND

END UP HAVING TO TREAT OBJECTS

LIKE WOMEN.

(LAUGHTER)

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