Pulp Comics: Harland Williams

  • 04/21/1998

Are you good?

You're in New York.

Did you go to NYU?

Anybody go to NYU?

Yeah?

[cheering]

Actually my brother--

my brother went to NYU in 1979.

And now he's a sophomore.

He's on that layaway plan

to college.

He's a philosophy major.

He doesn't know why.

I'm so happy to be here.

I went to the Bronx Zoo

recently.

I love the zoo.

Don't you love the zoo?

Yeah?

I love the monkeys.

Those are my favorite.

They're so cute.

And my least favorite are the,

oh, uh...with the little heads.

Um, the kids.

They're kind of...

like monkeys.

But I'm at the mall.

I saw a kid on a leash.

Do you put your kids

on a leash and your dogs

in a crib?

I think if I ever, ever have a

kid, it's going to be cordless.

And...

So I went to the mall,

and this guy recognized me,

and that--I got so excited,

'cause that doesn't happen.

But he thought I was

Heidi Fleiss.

And, um,

do I look like Heidi?

I've been getting that

from a lot of my tricks.

No, I get that I look like other

people all the time.

I've gotten Sheryl Crow

recently.

Who else?

Ruth Buzzi.

I don't know who she is.

I hope she's pretty.

Who else?

Prince...

[laughs]

Charles.

I don't get that.

Doesn't Prince Charles look like

somebody kissed a frog and it

didn't change all the way?

I don't mean to stereotype,

but like most women,

I love to shop

lift, so...

No, I would never do that

again.

You have to, um, wear maternity

clothes to steal stuff, yeah.

"Oh, when are you expecting?"

"Oh, I don't know.

When I get home."

I'm scared of sex.

You can get something terminal,

like a kid.

I don't want that.

[cheering]

And the only way to really have

safe sex is to abstain

from drinking.

I know that.

My mom's 60, and she said

in her whole life, she slept

with one guy.

She won't tell me who.

No, it's definitely my father.

But get this.

They always had separate beds.

I remember thinking to myself,

"Wow, my daddy must have

a really long dick."

in Beverly Hills to work out,

you know.

It's too fancy.

They have, like,

a spiral stairmaster.

It's, like, very, um...

I have to take Dramamine

to work out.

So I was on the treadmill

one day 'cause I had, like,

nowhere to go, so I was on the

treadmill, and I was, like,

just treading, and there was

a guy in front of me where

you are, sir, and he was on that

rowing machine, right?

And I kept yelling, "Stroke!

Stroke."

'Cause I was having one.

'Cause I am not used

to working out.

I go running when I have to,

when the ice cream truck is

going 60 or I need a lift

to the bakery.

It's all right.

Save it.

No, so I'm at the bakery, right,

and I'm standing in line.

Do you do this?

Do you eat all the free samples?

I'm standing in line, and this

really cute guy was flirting

with me.

He finally came up,

and he asked for my number.

And I gave it to him, and then

I had to take a new one.

My love life is like

a fairy tale.

It's grim.

Should I tell you about it

a little bit?

I don't know.

All right.

Do you want to hear back there?

[cheering]

Okay.

My last boyfriend and I,

we were, like, totally

incompatible.

Like for an example,

I'm a night person.

And he didn't like me.

And we were...

details, details.

He had no trouble committing

adultery.

He was very...

yeah, he looked like, oh,

that actor.

Mel Gibson in A Man Without

a Face.

He had the very

bedroom eyes, but they weren't

in our bedroom.

He was cheating on me

with his secretary.

Oh, I know.

I found lipstick on his collar

covered with Wite-Out.

Thanks for your sympathy.

I want--I should have married

my high school sweetheart.

Oh, my God.

I had a typical high school

romance, you know.

I was a cheerleader,

and he was on the faculty.

Go, Mr. Jason.

Before the cops catch you.

I got, um...

graded on my curves.

I just stopped smoking

crack.

Thank you.

I don't do crack.

I don't do crack.

I don't know how to cook.

Are you kidding me?

I, uh...

I love you.

I got, um--I did quit smoking.

I quit.

I tried--okay, I tried

three ways.

I tried a 12-step program,

but I got too winded.

And then I did...

Then I did hypnosis.

And I don't know if you've

tried that, but it did not work

for me at all.

[high-pitched barking]

And then...

What?

Then finally I quit smoking

by using the patch.

Yeah, I put six of them over my

mouth, and that

really stopped the barking.

>> Liebman: I was driving around

New York.

I'm not a good driver.

I should get a truck.

My best friend got a truck.

She didn't want to be, like, so

trendy, so she got a UPS truck.

You might laugh,

but she could park it anywhere.

Worldwide.

Okay, so I'm the worst driver.

I recently--oh, get this.

I got into an accident actually

with one of these houses

on a truck.

Have you seen them?

They're, like, trying to move

a house.

I'm looking at it, going,

"What?

Are these people too lazy

to pack?"

I tried to spruce my car up.

I got fuzzy dice.

I got a vanity plate.

You can get them to say,

I don't know, your initials or

I don't know.

DUI, something...

Cops don't think that's funny.

Neither did you.

My license plate says PMS 666.

[laughter]

Nobody cuts me off.

Actually I got my period today.

I can say that, right?

It's Comedy Central.

I'm happy.

'Cause most of my friends got it

when they were 13.

That's what I...

I just saw my whole family,

right, 'cause I went to my--

my cousin Elizabeth got married.

You know Elizabeth?

No? You do?

She asked me to be

in the wedding cake.

I love weddings, but I cry

'cause they're not mine.

Like on this side--

the bride's family sat on that

side, right?

And the groom's family

sat on that side 'cause of the

restraining order.

And she...

she was so nervous

at the wedding,

like right after she threw

the bouquet, right,

she threw up,

which is so disgusting,

you know, 'cause I caught that.

And I was like...

all over that beautiful

bridesmaid's dress I was

gonna wear trick-or-treating.

I've figured out my past.

I kind of know where I'm going,

right?

But I found a gray hair, and

that completely flipped me out.

'Cause it was the first one

on my chest.

That's just a joke.

I'm 34.

I, um...

for two years now.

I've been telling that joke

for five.

I don't feel 34 'cause I'm 35.

So I don't feel 36.

That's my final offer.

I'm 36.

But I don't feel it.

I'm very immature, yeah.

That's what my pediatrician

told me.

I'm 36.

I went to my 30th class reunion

from nursery school, right?

And I didn't want to go,

you guys, 'cause I've put on,

like 100 pounds.

I've been traveling all over

the country.

I was just in Hawaii.

Do you know that that show

Hawaii Five-O, the Five-O is

'cause it's the 50th state.

Did you know that?

I mean, it's not funny,

but I didn't know that.

I was there.

I got my first bikini.

Yeah, whoo!

It's a three piece.

It's a top, a bottom,

and a blindfold for you.

I went scuba diving.

That was fun.

I caught three scuba.

I got, um...

in the tub.

I don't like the ocean,

the waves.

[applause]

Then I was in Alaska.

Oh, Alaska Four-Nine.

I was there.

Excusez-moi.

I was there for--in Alaska

for two days and six nights,

and it was very...

I'm so glad you got that.

I stayed at the One Season

hotel.

It was very, very cold

and boring.

I didn't know what to do

in Alaska.

I saw the pipeline.

I ate some Eskimo Pies.

And I did--ooh, that could have

been a dirty joke.

So then I got a massage.

Don't you love getting a massage

from the bellhop?

I love that.

No, it was this woman named

Martha or something, and she was

really hurting me.

I go, "What are you doing,

Martha?"

She goes, "I'm attacking your

pressure points," you know?

So I gave her my parents'

address.

And a tip.

I'm high.

No, I'm not.

No, don't do drugs.

I saw what they did

to my friends.

'Cause I'd get stoned

and they'd look really weird

to me, so...

[cheering]

In high school, I got really

high with my best friend,

and she--we didn't know it,

though, 'cause we were eating

these brownies and they had pot

in them that her brother

had made.

And then we got the munchies,

and then we ate some more

brownies, right?

It was like, "Whoa."

And I started seeing this

rainbow, and there was a pot

of pot at the end of it.

It was gorgeous.

And she couldn't handle it,

but yeah, she got this

out-of-clothes experience.

I don't know if you know what

that is.

Do you know what that is?

Like an out-of-body experience

but you take off all your

clothes at the Burger King.

Oh, she wasn't totally naked.

She was wearing that paper crown

that they make you wear,

having it her way,

holding the pickle.

Okay.

Okay, she was me.

All right, I have...

hey, thank you very much,

New York.

God bless you all.

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