Meth Lab

  • Season 1, Ep 6
  • 06/04/2013

Slap Chef slaps the food out of your dumb mouth, and Amy tries to maintain her makeover.

Amy, you look amazing--what are you doing?

Weight Watchers,Jenny Craig?

Yeah, right.

Those take too muchself-control.

Last time I checked,I wasn't a robot.


How'd you do it?

With Slap Chef.

With Slap Chef.

With Slap Chef.

Slap Chef,what's that?

It's a new weight-lossprogram that takes

decision-makingout of the equation.

How does it work?

( announcer )First, one of Slap Chef'sworld-class chefs

makes you oneof their signature dishes.

Then before you can saySlap Chef,

they knock it outof your stupid mouth.

Slap Chef!

What kind of fooddo they make?

All kinds.


Slap Chef!

Lobster bisquewith crème fraîche.

Slap Chef!( bleep )


Slap Chef!

Fettucine Alfredo.

But whatif I fight back?

Go for it.

All of the chefsare trained in the art

of tai chew moi.

I swear to God if you evertouch me again I'll--

( garbled speaking )

Slap Chef.

What about thatmumbo-jumbo I heard about

Slap Chef being just abjectviolence against women?


Slap Chef.

It is time forour "Get Up" makeover

six-month follow up.

I love this.

I knowhow you do.

You might remember Amy.Sure.

Whose co-workers thoughtthis overworked

people pleaserneeded a day of pampering

and a new look to snagher a man.


Wow, that is hideous.

Ohh...Somebody's gonnadie alone.

So six months ago,

Lisa, ourmakeover expert--

I love her.I know.

She's the best inthe business.

She went to workand she turned that

into this.

( applauding )That's a beautifulwoman.

I know.She looks terrific.

She looks great.

So Lisa is at herhouse live--

Hmm?And we're gonnacheck in

and see how she's beenmaintaining her new look.

Hi guys, I am so excitedto see Amy

and howpretty she looks.

( screaming )

Oh!( laughing )

I'm sorry,

I think I mayhave the wrong house, I--


Yeah, youhave the right house.

623 Supermodel Lane.

Get in here,you lifesaver.


Oh, my God.

I knew that youwould think

I wouldn't be ableto keep this look going on,

but check it out!

I did it, girl!

We did it!

What happened to your--your hair?

Well, you know what,I knew if I shampooed it,

I would losethis beachy-wave thing

that you guys created,

so I just beenskipping it.

I mean,you were right.

I don't have toblow-dry it.

I don'thave to wash it.

It's so easy.

No, I definitelynever said

you didn'thave to wash it.

I thought yousaid that.I never said that.


Why is there an ellipticalin the bathtub?

Oh, you know what?Oh, my God.

I never had spacefor it before,

but I justthought, you know,

now that the bathroom's kindof like irrelevant,

just go for it,you know?

I mean, why not havea fierce booty

to match myslamming new style?

Oh, my God.

You haven't beenshowering, is that--

Uh, no, no.

But people have beenshowering me...

with compliments.

Well, it looks like youhaven't even

washed your face.

Okay, okay,yeah, you know what?

I loved that smokey-eye thingthat you guys did,

so I knewI couldn't recreate it,

so I just let itbake in.

Well, you didn't haveto recreate it.

It's just mascara,just an extra layer.

It's easy.

Right, right, right,but I'm like a total idiot.

So that's why it's importantthat I'm hot.

Have you even changedyour clothes?

No, I didn't.

And now I can't.

( man )Excuse me, ma'am...

is this your residence?

We've had some complaintsabout a foul smell here.

Hi, I live here.

Uh, the neighbors areworried that

someone may have died.

Oh, no,nobody died,

but my body is sick.

Hi, I'm Amy.

Boyfriend alert.


( giggling )

she is the best trainerI've ever had.

Perfect, I need this.

I've been so bad lately.

Good afternoon, ladies.

Oh, I see some of you are backfor more, love it.

Let's get started, warm-ups,jumping jacks,

you know 'em, you love 'em.

This is notan exercise class.

This is a funeral forthe fat you, okay?

Let me tell yousomething.

You will not be missed.

By the timeyou leave here,

your titties are gonna besquirting Muscle Milk.

Is that something you'reinterested in-- I am.

All right, keep eye contactwith yourself in the mirror,

look at who you are.

Is that whoyou want to be?

Let's get to know each otherwhile we're here today.

Maybe after.

That's good, ladies.

Bring it down for the stepand touch, step and touch.

Great heatcoming off your broiler.

People tell you that?

No, nope,no one's ever.

I think we canturn up the temp.Whoa!

All right, look, I'm notgonna mince words with you,

sweethearts--this workout is hard.

You will be a weaponwith a pussy on it.


I like this, you didn'thave this last time.

Okay, squat it down.

Hold it here.

Go lower.

By the time you leave here,

you will literally beunrapeable.

That's right.

All right, ladies,forehead planks.

Get down, hit it, hit it.

Hit it!

Keep it down.

This does technically violatethe Geneva Convention.

Waterboarding my clit, thisis the real torture right here.

This is the real torture!

A lot of peopledon't know,

this is the exercise that brokeup Anne Heche and Ellen.

Maybe you didn'tknow they were together,

that was a big news itemfor a while.

Do not tweet that, I shouldnot have even said that.

That is not--

That's privileged information,forget I said that.

Just hold it down here,okay, hold it down!

If you commit to thisworkout here today,

your abs aregonna be so tight,

you won't be able tohave children.

Maybe your boyfriend'scool with that.

I don't know, maybeyou don't have a boyfriend.

Maybe you're ofa different persuasion.

I'm sorry?


Here we go.

Draw your vagina inand hold it so tight

so you could, like, rip a dickin half, you know,

or some other metaphorthat's more personal to you.

You doing 'em?Yep.

Really?Yes, I am.

'Cause you know, if you cheat,you're only cheating yourself.

I know, that's whyI'm doing them.

I mean, I'll check,it'll be my pleasure.

Oh, okay.Now you're doing 'em.

I want to tell you guysa little story, okay,

a story abouta little fat girl,

a little fat girl witha heart of gold.

All she wanted to dois eat Dunkaroos

and watch "DuckTales."

I punched her in the facebecause she was a pussy!

I hope there aren'tany pussies in here,

'cause I eat pussyfor breakfast.

She eats pussiesfor breakfast.

Do what she says!Pussy.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I didn't know wewere talking.

Is this HBO's"In Treatment"?

Is that what youthink this is?

I don't think it's HBO's"In Treatment."

Oh no, what do youthink it is?

I'd love to hearwhat think it is.

You've got my attention, whatare you gonna do about it?


Whoa, stay away from my window,Melissa Etheridge.

Chill it out right now.

I'm so sorry,I think we--Wrong team.

I think I misunderstood.

I'm a dick lady.

I love dick.

That's what I do--Tons of dick.

Round-the-clock dick,dick parade.

Anyway,everybody line up.

Uterus thrusts, okay.

And I don't want you to feelweird about what just happened

when you just triedto kiss me.

Okay, here we go, don't bea stranger to the person

in front of you.

Thrust it, feel it, okay?

Okay, that's enough,that's-- that's good.

Keep it just movingaround the room, okay.

Keep it movingaround the room.