Al Lubel & Barry Marder

  • Season 1, Ep 0118
  • 02/24/1992

AND I'M GLAD TO MAKE A LIVINGIN THE ARTS DURING A RECESSION.

AND KIDS, VOTE!

VOTE...

YOU KNOW WHAT I FEEL?

( applause )

FIVE DEMOCRATS, SIX DEMOCRATS...

KNOW WHAT I FEEL BAD ABOUT?

AND ALL THE REPUBLICANSIN THE AUDIENCE

AND... AND WATCHING?

IT'S THAT DEMOCRATIC RESPONSETO PRESIDENT BUSH'S...

HE GETS OBLIGATORY APPLAUSE.

HE GOES: ( burps )

"I HAVE A LITTLE GAS."

HEY, HE HAD GAS.

THEN THEY CUT BACKTO SOME POOR DEMOCRAT GOING

"I THINK IT WAS A MISTAKETHAT HE SAID THAT."

IT'S NOT FAIR, NOT FUNNY--JUST A POLITICAL THING

BECAUSE I'M OVER 40,I COULD DIE AT ANY MOMENT.

I DON'T NEED LAUGHS ANYMORE.

I HAVE PSORIASIS.

WHEN YOU HAVE PSORIASIS

WHEN YOU WAKE UPAND LOOK IN THE MIRROR

AND YOU SEE A THING PEELING,YOU DON'T CARE ANYMORE.

I'VE BEEN LUCKYTHE LAST COUPLE OF YEARS.

I WAS ON TELEVISION WITH JAMIELEE CURTIS, ANYTHING BUT LOVE

HUH?

AM I RIGHT OR AM I WRONG?

WHICH MY OWN STUDIO YANKEDOFF THE SCHEDULE.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

I SPIT ON YOU,BUT I'LL SEND YOU...

WANT SPONGES FOR CHRISTMAS?

I COULD SEND YOU A WHOLE...A WHOLE LOAD OF THEM.

BUT, UH... NO, IT'S BEENA GREAT COUPLE OF YEARS FOR ME

YOU KNOW, I DON'T KNOW.

PEOPLE KNOW ME NOW.

I STRUGGLED FOR 20 YEARSOR 15 YEARS, WHATEVER IT WAS.

NOW I GET CALLSON MY ANSWERING MACHINE:

"THE BLACK CROWS WILL HELPYOU BREAK YOUR YOM KIPPUR FAST."

THOSE KIND OF THINGS.

BUT I'M MOST WORRIED ABOUT,YOU KNOW IF I REALLY...

YOU KNOW, IF I REALLY...YOU KNOW

THE TABLOIDS, QUITE FRANKLY--

THOSE TRASHOIDS-- YOU KNOW,I JUST... I'M FRIGHT...

YOU KNOW THOSE THINGS...HEADLINES:

LOSE FIVE POUNDS, YOU KNOW,AND COMMUNICATE WITH THE DEAD.

THOSE KIND OF... THOSEARE THE HEADLINES, YOU KNOW

SO I... I'M WORRIED ABOUT THAT.

I'VE READ, YOU KNOW...

LIKE, ALF IS BISEXUAL,WHICH IS FINE

BUT YOU READ THAT CRAP,YOU KNOW, IN THOSE.

NOT THAT THAT'S CRAPBY ANY STRETCH OF...

BY ANY STRETCHOF THE SEXUAL IMAGINATION

BUT I WAS IN ONEABOUT THREE WEEKS AGO

AND MY MOTHER WENT CRAZY.

FIRST OF ALL, SHE READS THEM.

SHE GETS THEM AT THE SAFEWAYOR WHEREVER SHE SHOPS.

SHE SAYS, "I DIDN'T KNOWYOU WERE GOING TO MOVE TO MARS."

I SAID, "MOTHER,NO, I'M NOT MOVING TO MARS.

THEY DON'T HAVE CONDOS ON MARS."

I MEAN, SHE ACTUALLY...

BUT PEOPLE BELIEVE THIS CRAP,YOU KNOW.

AND I WAS LINKED WITHA HOMICIDAL, TRANSSEXUAL RABBI.

SO SHE CALLED ME AND SHE SAID...

I SAID, "LOOK, IT'S ALL,IT'S ALL CRAP.

THEY WRITE THIS,THEY MAKE IT UP."

AND SHE SAYS, "WELL..."

BUT SHE BELIEVED IT.

SHE WENT,"WELL, AT LEAST HE'S JEWISH.

AND, UH... LIVING IN HERE NOWIN LOS ANGELES

GOING ON SOME ACTING...AUDITIONS AND...

THIS CASTING DIRECTOR,SHE SAYS TO ME

SHE SAYS, "AL, I THINKYOU'RE GOING TO GET SOME WORK

BECAUSE YOU'REOFFBEAT GOOD-LOOKING."

( light laughter )

OFFBEAT GOOD-LOOKING.

WHICH, OF COURSE, MEANS, "YOU'REGOOD-LOOKING FOR AN UGLY GUY."

( laughter )

AND I GUESS THATHURT MY FEELINGS A LITTLE

BECAUSE I'VE BEEN SEEINGA PSYCHIATRIST

AND HE SAYS MY PROBLEM ISTHAT I'M NARCISSISTIC--

TOO MUCH IN LOVE WITH MYSELF.

BUT DON'T GET THE WRONG IDEA.

I'M NOT EGOTISTICAL,I'M JUST SELF-INVOLVED.

I MEAN, IT'S NOT THAT I FEELI'M BETTER THAN OTHER PEOPLE.

IT'S MORE LIKE:

THERE ARE OTHER PEOPLE?

( laughter )

AND I'M INCREDIBLY...I'M INCREDIBLY SCARED OF DEATH.

WAS THATTOO MUCH OF A TRANSITION?

NO, I REALLY AM SCARED OF DEATH.

THANK GODNO CIGARETTE SMOKE HERE

BECAUSE I'M SCAREDOF CIGARETTE SMOKE.

THE SURGEON GENERAL SAID

THE SMOKE FROM CIGARETTES KILLSUP TO 50,000 PEOPLE PER YEAR.

A SMOKER WILL SAY, "BUT I'M NOTTRYING TO KILL PEOPLE.

I JUST ENJOY SMOKING."

YEAH, IT'S JUST THIS.

YEAH, BUT IT IS KILLING PEOPLE.

THAT'S LIKEA MASS MURDERER GOING

"I'M NOT TRYING TO KILL PEOPLE,IT'S JUST THIS I LIKE."

( laughter and applause )

THE BULLET IN THE HEAD WITHTHE BLOOD-- I'M NOT INTO THAT.

THIS IS THE PART I LIKERIGHT HERE.

I'M DEFINITELY A HYPOCHONDRIAC.

I'M SCARED NOW OF HAVINGA SILENT HEART ATTACK.

HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THAT?

THAT'S WHERE YOU HAVEA HEART ATTACK

BUT YOU FEEL NO CHEST PAIN.

YOU HAVE NO SYMPTOMS, BUT YOUACTUALLY HAD A HEART ATTACK.

I'M THINKING, NO CHEST PAIN?

I HAVE NO CHEST PAIN.

( laughter )

I'M HAVING AN INCREDIBLYHUGE AMOUNT OF NO CHEST PAIN

AND IT WILL NOT STOP.

I JUST WANT TO LIVE FOREVER.

I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE TO DIE.

I THOUGHT OF BELIEVINGIN REINCARNATION

BUT I REALIZEDTHAT WON'T HELP ME.

BECAUSE I WAS THINKING

EVEN IF I DID EXIST IN THE PAST,I DON'T REMEMBER WHO I WAS.

SO HOW DOES THAT GUY KNOWHE'S ME NOW, RIGHT?

SO EVEN IF I EXIST IN THE FUTURE

IF I DON'T REMEMBER I WAS ME,WHAT GOOD IS IT?

REMEMBER DESCARTES?

HE STATED, "I THINK,THEREFORE I AM."

I'VE ADDED MY OWN REINCARNATION,NON-EXISTENCE THEORY

WHICH STATES, "I FORGOT,THEREFORE I'M NOT."

( laughter )

I REALLY AM SCARED...

I MEAN, I KNOWI'M A NEGATIVE PERSON TOO.

I'M, LIKE, VERY NEGATIVE.

THAT'S WHY...

THAT'S WHY I CAN'T STANDTHOSE SIGNS THAT ASSUME

LIKE, "YES, WE'RE OPEN."

LIKE, EVERYONE IS THINKING,"ARE THEY OPEN?"

( laughter )

YES.

WE'RE OPEN.

BECAUSE I'M A NEGATIVE PERSON--

I'M THINKING, "ARE THEY CLOSED?"

SEE, I NEED A SIGN SAYING,"NO, WE'RE OPEN."

( laughter and applause )

THE THING THAT REALLY...

( laughter )

I'M GLAD I'M ON THE SHOWWITH RICHARD LEWIS.

I MEAN, THAT'S ADEATH-THEME THING.

NO, I REALLY AM.

YOU KNOW WHAT SCARES METHE WORST ABOUT DEATH?

THE THING THAT REALLY SCARES ME

IS THAT IT'S COMPLETELYOUT OF MY CONTROL.

MY OWN DEATH ISCOMPLETELY OUT OF MY CONTROL.

I CAN DIE AT ANY SECOND.

YOU CAN TOO... BUT BACK TO ME.

NO, REALLY,I CAN DIE AT ANY SECOND.

I COULD DIE NOW

OR NOW

OR NOW.

( laughter )

AND FORGET ANY SECOND--

THAT IMPLIES THAT IT TAKESAT LEAST A SECOND TO DIE.

IT DOESN'T HAVE TO TAKEA SECOND TO DIE.

YOU CAN DIEIN A FRACTION OF A SECOND.

YOU EVER HEAR PEOPLE:

YOU HEAR ABOUT JIM?

HE WENT JUST LIKE THAT.

THAT'S A FRACTION OF A SECOND--JUST LIKE THAT.

IF IT TOOK A MINIMUM OFA SECOND TO DIE

PEOPLE WOULD HAVE TO SAY,"YOU HEAR ABOUT JIM?"

HE WENT JUST LIKE... TTHHHHAT."

I CAN'T ANSWERSIMPLE QUESTIONS ANYMORE.

"AL, WE'RE MOVINGSOME BOXES HERE.

YOU GOT A SECOND?"

"I DON'T KNOW."

( laughter )

I CAN'T ANSWERSIMPLE QUESTIONS--

LIKE THE QUESTION,"HOW ARE YOU?"

I DON'T KNOWHOW PEOPLE ANSWER THIS QUESTION.

HOW AM I?

WELL, SEE, I FEEL FINE

BUT I'VE GOT TO HOPE THATRIGHT NOW MY HEART IS BEATING.

( laughter )

I'VE GOT TO HOPETHAT MY LUNGS ARE EXPANDING

THAT MY PANCREAS ISPAN-CREATING.

( laughter )

I JUST HAD ACHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIE.

THAT HAS A LOT OF FAT.

WHAT IF RIGHT NOW

SOME OF THAT FATIS ALONG THE WALLS OF MY AORTA

AND MY BLOOD'S TRYINGTO GET TO MY AORTA

BUT IT CAN'T BECAUSE OF THE FAT?

SO MY AORTA POPSFROM THE PRESSURE

AND THERE'S NO BLOOD GETTINGTO MY BRAIN RIGHT NOW

BUT IT TAKES THREE SECONDSFOR YOUR BRAIN TO REALIZE

IT'S NOT GETTING ANY BLOOD.

OKAY, IT DIDN'T HAPPEN.

( applause )

BUT THE POINT IS,IT COULD HAVE HAPPENED

SO DON'T ASK ME HOW I AM.

I WAS LYING IN BED LAST NIGHT.

I GOT SCARED,WHAT IF I DIE RIGHT NOW

FROM VERY, IMMENSELY,INCREDIBLY DELAYED CRIB DEATH?

( laughter )

I AM SCARED OF DEATH.

I'M JUST PETRIFIED,I'M PANICKING.

MY WHOLE MIND,THAT'S ALL I THINK ABOUT.

( moans )

( anguished moan )

( anguished bellowing )

( bellowing )

SEE?

I MEAN, I'M TERRIFIED.

THAT'S WHAT I'M THINKINGCONSTANTLY.

I CAN'T EXPRESS THATIN VERBAL TERMS

BUT THAT'S MY... IN MY BRAIN--

CONSTANTLY.

I KNOW MY WHOLE PROBLEMIS SELF-INVOLVEMENT.

I GO PLAY BASKETBALLTO GET MY MIND OFF THINGS.

I WAS PLAYING BALL THE OTHER DAY

AND THIS GUY ON MY TEAMGOT REALLY MAD AT ME

BECAUSE I WAS TAKINGA LOT OF SHOTS

BECAUSE I'M REALLY GOOD.

AND HE COMES UP TO...NO, I AM.

AND HE COMES UP TO ME,COMES UP TO ME

HE GOES, "HEY, JERK.

THERE'S NO 'I' IN TEAM."

I NEVER HEARD THAT BEFORE--

THERE'S NO LETTER "I"IN THE WORD "TEAM"

MEANING YOU'RE REALLY SELFISH.

AND HE WAS ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.

I WAS OUT OF LINE.

I WAS TAKING TOO MANY SHOTS.

BUT STILL I DECIDED TO ARGUEJUST FOR THE SAKE OF ARGUING.

I GO, "TEAM--

BUT THERE IS AN 'M'AND AN 'E'-- ME."

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

EARLIER ON IN THE SHOW

AND THIS CELEBRITY CRAP

AND HEY! YOU KNOW, I'M OLD,I COULD DIE AT ANY MOMENT

I COULD, YOU KNOW...I'VE BEEN AROUND

BUT I DO CHARITIES.

ACTUALLY I DID A BENEFITFOR THE BIG BROTHERS.

ACTUALLY, IT WAS...

THERE'S A BIG BROTHERS PROGRAMALL ACROSS THE COUNTRY

AND ALSO THERE'SA JEWISH BIG BROTHERS

AND I HAD TO CHUCKLE JUST A TADBECAUSE I JUST...

I SAW MYSELFAS A JEWISH BIG BROTHER

AND I SAID, UH... TO MYSELF

GEE, THE KIDS, YOU KNOW,I PICK THEM UP

AND I GO, "YOU KNOW, YOU DON'TWANT TO GO TO DISNEYLAND.

"IT'S... IT'S DRIZZLING OUTAND I...

"WHY DON'T WE JUST COMEPLAY GIN TOGETHER AT MY HOUSE

AND IT'LL BE A KIND OF..."

IT WAS REALLY SCARYBEING ON TELEVISION

IN PRIME TIME FOR... WHATEVER IT WAS... FOUR YEARS

AND SOME TOY COMPANYCALLED MY AGENT AND SAID

( low voice: )"DOES MR. LEWIS WANT TO HAVE..."

I DON'T DO IMPRESSIONS.

ANYWAY, HE COULD HAVE SAID

( high voice: )"DOES MR. LEWIS WANT TO HAVEA TOY IN HIS LIKENESS?"

I MEAN, THAT WAS SCARY.

THEY WERE GOING TO CALL IT--

BECAUSE I'M A HYPOCHONDRIAC--"MR. CLAMMY," WHICH SCARED ME.

HE WAS LIKE A REAL ESTATE AGENT.

"IT'S GOING TO BEAN ACTION, COUGHING FIGURE.

"IT'LL BE GREAT.

"THERE'LL BE A SECRET DROOLBUTTON, YOU KNOW, IN THE BACK.

"AND THE PEG LEG IS OPTIONAL--KIDS DON'T HAVE TO BUY IT

AND ASPIRIN'S NOT INCLUDED."

ANYWAY, I WANT TO BRING OUTSOMEBODY WHO I KNOW...

I'M ON THE SLIM-FAST DIET.

ANYBODY ON THIS THING?

YOU'RE FAMILIAR WITH SLIM-FAST?

YOU HAVE A SLIM-FAST FORBREAKFAST, A SLIM-FAST FOR LUNCH

THEN YOU EAT A SENSIBLE DINNER.

HOW SENSIBLE ARE YOU GOING TO BEAFTER EATING POWDER ALL DAY?

YOU'LL TAKE A FORKTO A KITCHEN WORKER.

YOU CAN'T LOSE ANY WEIGHTON THIS THING.

THEIR SLOGAN SHOULD BE:

"YOU GIVE US A WEEK,WE'LL TAKE OFF SEVEN DAYS."

PEPPERIDGE FARM COOKIES,AREN'T THEY YUMMY?

I LOVE THEM.

I LOVE WHAT IT SAYSON THE SIDE OF THE PACKAGE.

"FEEDS FOUR TO SIX PEOPLEOR ONE FAT SLOB."

OH, I KNOW I'M NOTA CHIPPENDALE DANCER.

THOSE DAYS ARE OVER, GONE--

MORE LIKE A CHIP AHOY DANCER.

( laughter )

I CANNOT LOSE ANY WEIGHT.

I'VE BUILT MYSELF UP A BODYOF A SMALL POT ROAST HERE.

JUST WENT ON ONE DIET.

I HAD TO GO ON TWO DIETSAT THE SAME TIME

BECAUSE ONE DIET WASN'T GIVINGME ENOUGH FOOD.

I GOT TO EXERCISE--THAT'S THE KEY.

I'M A TERRIBLE EXERCISER.

I THINK I MAY CUT CORNERSBECAUSE FOR ME A GOOD WORKOUT IS

I LIKE TO STRAP MYSELFONTO ANOTHER PERSON

WHILE THEY'RE EXERCISING.

SYLVESTER STALLONE DOESSIT-UPS FOR AN HOUR AND A HALF.

I CAN'T EVEN STAND UP THAT LONG.

I CAN SIT UP IN CHAIR THAT LONG.

WENT BOWLING THOUGH.

HERE'S A SPORT I CAN LIVE WITH.

ANY BOWLER'S OUT THERE?

I LIKE BOWLING, YEAH.

I LIKE ANY SPORTWHERE YOU TAKE FOUR STEPS

ROLL A BALL, DRINK A BEER,EAT A HOT DOG AND SIT DOWN.

AND FOR THIS,YOU NEED SPECIAL SHOES.

( laughter )

SAW AN AD THE OTHER DAY--

TWO OUT OF THREE PEOPLE SUFFERFROM HEMORRHOIDS.

DOES THE OTHER GUY LIKE IT?

( laughter and applause )

I LIKE THIS VIDAL SASSOON GUY.

"WHEN YOUR HAIR IS RIGHT,EVERYTHING IS RIGHT."

TELL THAT TO YOUR LANDLORDWHEN THE RENT'S DUE.

"WHERE'S MY MONEY?"

"MY HAIR'S NOT RIGHT."

MY HAIR'S RIGHT.

I WENT TO SUPERCUTS.

THIS IS ACTUALLYA SUPERCUTS HAIRCUT.

ANYBODY EVER BEENINSIDE A SUPERCUTS?

THIS IS ONE STEP AWAYFROM CHIMPANZEE BARBER COLLEGE.

EIGHT DOLLARS FOR A HAIRCUT.

A PRISON HAIRCUT ISNINE DOLLARS.

THIS OUGHT TO BE CALLED

"UPPERCUTS WITH A BLOWTO YOUR HEAD HERE."

BUT TRY TO GET NEW HAIRAND QUIT SMOKING.

THAT'S TOUGH TO QUIT.

DOES ANYBODY SMOKE?

THAT'S THE HARDEST THING.

WENT TO ONE OF THESE PLACES:"STOP SMOKING IN ONE VISIT."

THEY SMASHED MY HAND.

BUT THAT'S ALL WHAT YOU EAT.

WHAT DID I HAVE THE OTHER DAY?

IT WAS SALT-FREE, SODIUM-FREE,SUGAR-FREE, CHOLESTEROL-FREE--

IT WAS WATER,THAT'S WHAT IT WAS, WATER.

AND WATER LIGHT,BECAUSE I TAKE NO CHANCES.

BUT WENT GOLFING.

ANY GOLFERS OUT THERE?

ACTUALLY TRIED OUT GOLFING.

GOLF'S GOOD, ISN'T IT?

GIVES YOU A CHANCE TO WEAR YOURCLOTHES FROM THE '70s, SO...

WENT YESTERDAY--SHOT AN EAGLE, SHOT A BIRDIE.

I'LL SHOOT ANYTHINGTHAT POOPS ON MY CAR.

THESE FREEWAYS ARE TERRIBLE,AREN'T THEY?

I WAS ON 405 THE OTHER DAY.

THEY JUST PUT INA DRIVE-BY-SHOOTING LANE.

I'D LOVE TO HAVEA FAST CAR IN L.A.

LIKE A PORSCHE, FERRARRI--GET IT ON THE FREEWAY.

GET IT UP TOSIX OR SEVEN MILES AN HOUR.

NOTHING LIKE DRIVINGTO SAN DIEGO IN FIRST GEAR.

SAW A GUY ON THE FREEWAYDOING TEN.

I SAID, "WHERE'S HE RUSHING TO?

"WHERE'S THIS LUNATIC GOING?

WHERE'S THE FIRE, BUDDY?"

HAD MY CAR UP TO 60 ONCE ON THEFREEWAY-- IT WAS BEING TOWED.

PARKING-- I WAS IN WESTWOOD.

THEY HAD A METER--A QUARTER FOR 18 MINUTES.

WHAT CAN YOU DO IN 18 MINUTES?

YOU CAN GET ANOTHER QUARTER,THAT'S WHAT.

( laughter )

LEAF BLOWERS AREMY FAVORITE PEOPLE.

DO YOU KNOW THESE PEOPLETHAT BLOW UP LEAVES?

DO YOU HIRE SOMEBODYTO BLOW LEAVES

INTO YOUR NEIGHBOR'S YARD?

A WEEK LATER, YOUR NEIGHBORHIRES THE SAME GUY

TO BLOW THE LEAVESBACK INTO YOUR YARD.

PASSED A GUY WITH A SIGN:"I WILL WORK FOR FOOD."

THERE WAS ANOTHER GUY STANDINGRIGHT NEXT TO HIM WITH A SIGN:

"I WILL SUPERVISE THAT GUYFOR A SMALL SNACK."

BUT HEY! I WON AN AWARD.

I WENT TO UNIVERSAL TOURS.

I BOUGHT A TICKET.

BALLOONS WENT OFF, STREAMERS.

APPARENTLY, I WAS THE 100thAMERICAN VISITOR TO THE PARK

IN THE LAST SEVEN YEARS.

SAW MICK JAGGER THERE.

I ACTUALLY WASEIGHT FEET FROM HIM.

WHAT A THRILL.

THE GUY LOOKSLIKE DON KNOTTS ON CHEMOTHERAPY.

I LOVE MUSIC--JAMES BROWN IS MY FAVORITE.

ISN'T HE GREAT?

HE WAS A FIGHTER.

HE WAS A PROFESSIONAL BOXERBEFORE HE WAS THIS GREAT SINGER.

HE SAID HE HAD TO QUIT BOXING

BECAUSE HE LOSTHIS EYEBROWS FIGHTING.

HOW HARD DO YOU HAVE TO BE HIT

TO HAVE YOUR EYEBROWSPUNCHED OFF?

THAT IS ONE GIANT WALLOPTO THE SIDE OF YOUR HEAD.

YOU LOOK DOWN:"THERE'S MY HAIRS!

THOSE ARE MY EYEBROWSON THE FLOOR."

WENT TO SEE J.F.K.

DID YOU SEE THIS?

THEY CAN'T MAKE A SEQUELTO THIS, CAN THEY?

CAN THERE BE, LIKE, J.F.K. II: HE'S BACK AND HE'S MAD.

SEE MEDICINE MAN?

THIS IS WHERE SEAN CONNERYPLAYS A GUY

THAT FINDS A CURE FOR CANCER,THEN LOSES IT.

PARDON ME, ISN'T THISA GILLIGAN'S ISLAND EPISODE?

( laughter )

OH, GOD, MOVIES, GIRLS--I'M LONELY.

I NEED A DATE.

I AM SO HORNY, I'LL SLEEPWITH A CHIA PET AT THIS POINT.

I REACHED MY ABSOLUTEHORNIEST LAST NIGHT.

I CALLED 976-911--EMERGENCY SEX TALK.

WHO CAME UP WITH THIS CONCEPT--THE 976 NUMBERS?

YOU'RE SITTING THERE WITH YOURUNDERWEAR AROUND YOUR ANKLES

HOLDING YOUR CREDIT CARD.

( laughter )

WOMAN SAYS, "YOU WANT METO RUB MYSELF ON YOU?

YES-- THEN PRESS ONEON YOUR TOUCH-DIAL PHONE."

GOD, I LOVE GIRLS.

I LOVE CURLY RED HAIR,MILKY WHITE SKIN, RED LIPS.

I'M ATTRACTED TO BOZO--THAT'S THE LOOK I LIKE.

WOMEN LOOKTHEIR MOST BEAUTIFUL AT NIGHT

BUT ALL WOMEN LOOKTHEIR MOST INTELLIGENT

WHEN THEY FIRST GET UP.

WHEN THEY GET UP, ALL WOMENLOOK LIKE ALBERT EINSTEIN.

AND YOU GOT TO PRACTICETHE SAFE SEX.

I DON'T WANT TO HARP ON IT,IT'S IMPORTANT.

I'M AT THE POINT NOWWHERE I BOIL MY PENIS.

AND THEY PLUMPWHEN YOU COOK THEM.

THEY WILL PLUMP RIGHT UPON YOU.

SENT AWAY FOR A PENIS ENLARGER.

HAVE YOU SEEN THESE THINGSON THE BACK...

THEY SENT ME BACKA MAGNIFYING GLASS.

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